the question may not be
would I love him if you weren’t there
but
would I love you
if he weren’t there

I thought Barbie would make me feel better
but it did not
maybe because I wore blue

hmmm...
(tapping finger to lips)

(raises finger)
I can read this—
just a minute—
(lowers finger back to lips)

hmmm...
(tapping)

everything is wonderful with my world
and I am happy
happy happy
it’s a beautiful evening and I love my house
my street
my job
I am lucky lucky
lucky
the breeze tells me so
in the impenetrably delicate language of chaos theory
and the setting sun
is just a setting sun
no matter how many tales it spins
into electromagnetic currents around the earth
things spin
we spin
I spin
and fall down laughing

When he was little he always told the truth
He didn’t even know it was an option not to
His word was gold
Now
Did you take all the treats? (Lie)
Did you do your work? (Lie)
Did you pick up? (Lie)
Did you quit stalking that poor woman?

I am alone in the bed and—
no, wait... nope
I’m not
a small wiggling creature is climbing,
hugging, kissing, squirming
— mom? are you awake?
&$!#!*!!
— can you go to the bathroom with me?
— yes baby, let’s go...

frustration rips through me
I let it pass
I’m watching it pass
like a race car on a desert track
leaving a temporary cloud of swirling dust
the sun is still warm on my back

I would have happily stayed in
with my tea
and your chips
watching the latest episode of our thing
falling asleep
in the dwindling electronic light
one of us dragging the other to bed

I would have happily done that
instead

you should never have performance anxiety
as you are clearly a very talented actor
and I am an easy audience
when it comes to you

truth is a tiny current
ebbing along the probability wave
of human thought

there’s a storm happening on the ocean
the boundary between sea and sky blurred by
the confused water
the pouring gunmetal static
a thickening albedo of rain drowning the atmosphere

the mass of water spreads rhythmically up
climbing the ladder of itself
there is no light to be caught in its prism
only the dark root of sound
a primordial beckon from the sky
a being of water could find transcendence in such a union
an otherworldly bliss worthy of pursuit
so the water creatures believe
as they climb

experimenting, with punctuation!
I never know. when is the right. time.
to punctuate;
periods! terrify me—
semicolons; are we? writing? a dissertation?
and commas.
“tie me up in knots”
let’s. experiment!
with, punctuation,

I was obsessed with him
so what
you were obsessed with me
so you know how it is

you are standing there
but I am looking... elsewhere
not disclosing how keen is my peripheral vision

the earth holds the moon in its steady and permanent grip
the moon pulls on the waters with longing
today I don’t have the strength
to withstand the push and pull of the tide
today I don’t have the mind
to navigate celestial bodies
today I let the waves toss me onto the shore
as the ocean retreats
today I rest on the beach
watching others play in the surf

even emptiness has a character
emptiness can represent some of my most vivid states
I do not know, truly, what nothing could possibly be
not very zen of me

it’s too dangerous
for my mind
and my skin

It came!
so will I

is this like that time
I asked if you had ***** problems
or that time I called you a scary stranger
or is it like that time
I accidentally
had *** with Philip
a few times

I never know what to say
on any given day
to make things go your way

it’s very slippery
with the moon
so slippery

but I’m trying to reassure you
its ok

I’m sure it’s nothing to do with me
I’m not that important
Or so I’ve been told

I do not have a vacancy
which is ok
because I have no reservations

it’s ok, you deserve it
we all do

you budged in here with a mask
it’s not my fault you got shot

you are so hard
to get close to
but are you also hard
when you think of me?

bright day
cozy bed
languid thought
my favorite feeling

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

eventually you were just
gone
and, even if you weren’t,
it didn’t matter anymore

that’s how things sometimes go

I see you in black and white
the smoke is writhing around my body
silks draping from me
my hair is long and soft
my skin is naked and pale
you are looking at me
with too many faces
your eyes hold too many meanings
I’m intoxicated, incapacitated
by your meanings
yet I know you distill
into one simple clear truth
and I know this truth of you

Do I love you?
Of course, of course I do.
It’s ok if you don’t exist.
Neither do I.

my head is laughing
my heart is screaming in terror
my other parts have gone for a swim

I know I haven’t said lately but
you’re wonderful and perfect and
there’s nothing wrong with you at all
...in the grand scheme of things

I almost forgot
because I can’t remember anything
but I do remember the boys under the porch at church
I must have been 4 or 5
I couldn’t tell how old they were
you know how it is when you’re young
maybe 9? 10? 12?
they wanted to see girl parts
so I showed them
it meant nothing to me
they didn’t touch me
only looked
stared
intently
as I stood there with my pants down
I got the sense something wasn’t right by the way they acted with each other
arguing
the meaning was opaque to me
I don’t know why I remember this
or why I’m thinking of it now
I feel shame I guess
I don’t know

I am an island
a beautiful, glorious fantasy island
you don’t even know

I am all out of smart *** gas for the night
but I have other
more combustible sentiments
to keep you warm

I hope your day is good
and you’re not misunderstood
and your thoughts of me don’t give you too much wo...
heartburn

what happens when you sleep?
does she get away from you?
you can’t take care of her?
she tricks you?
you miss crucial plot development...?
what happens when you sleep?

nothing is sticking to me anymore
I had to buy a sticking spray
for love and discipline
and to keep from falling to my death

I care about you so much
I want you so bad
so so much
so so bad
so so so so much
so so so so bad
et cetera

a little bit at a time
until there is just enough
of someone you want

I got an impact massager
for my legs
which are always super tight after my workouts
it is AMAZING
like a massage and physical therapy all in one
and it kind of has a mind of its own
jumping all over the place
at least that’s what I tell myself
when it ends up
as it usually does
   there
I mean—
those muscles are super tight too

some tests
you can only pass
by failing

I know, I know
you want me to chill
face reality
get my **** together
or something
Ima do that
next week

I forgive you darling
you only need to forgive yourself
and let lovers love
it’s true
only selves can blame selves
I love your God if it has taught you this
I am happy for your good fortune
I will still fantasize about you
though not in high heels

little bits of song
and silence
I would never
shy away
from you

I can turn every moment of your life into a portrait
that I will admire
from near or far

are your birds sleeping?
are they hungry?
are they delivering your messages?

feeling spectacularly alienated
and being spectacularly different
are not the same thing