there’s a tiny portal to another world
right next to my bed
a gateway to a magical fantastic utopian world
full of colors and shapes and spinning tops
at least that’s what I imagine
I’ve never been
or found the door
but I know it’s there
because somewhere
in some other time space reality matrix
there is a small happy pile
of beautiful single
earrings

the capitol was vacated
but the capital is still there

this weekend went way too fast
suspiciously fast
I believe I may have been a victim of hapless interaction with a temporal anomaly

or maybe aliens

both meander about
with gross disregard
for time, space  
or love

you know by now
when I am done with this face
it will disappear, every trace

don’t mind me
I’ll just be over here putting my heart back together

sometimes a but can haunt you
it appears
disappears
but
but
but

just spit it out
you weak *******

sorry
I tend to be ******* myself
at times

I cannot sleep
I am greatly concerned with matters of equity
and social justice
plus, there is a St. Patrick’s Day sale
on wireless remote control vibrators

it’s hard to breathe today
hard to move
get up
just get up
one foot
another
another
just get up
you can do it
you can

I almost forgot
because I can’t remember anything
but I do remember the boys under the porch at church
I must have been 4 or 5
I couldn’t tell how old they were
you know how it is when you’re young
maybe 9? 10? 12?
they wanted to see girl parts
so I showed them
it meant nothing to me
they didn’t touch me
only looked
stared
intently
as I stood there with my pants down
I got the sense something wasn’t right by the way they acted with each other
arguing
the meaning was opaque to me
I don’t know why I remember this
or why I’m thinking of it now
I feel shame I guess
I don’t know

I thought Barbie would make me feel better
but it did not
maybe because I wore blue

my head is laughing
my heart is screaming in terror
my other parts have gone for a swim

I would have happily stayed in
with my tea
and your chips
watching the latest episode of our thing
falling asleep
in the dwindling electronic light
one of us dragging the other to bed

I would have happily done that
instead

it’s too dangerous
for my mind
and my skin

when your hands are so ****
it doesn’t really matter what you do with them while dancing

a little hug to start the day
to keep the blues away
to tell the happy, stay

I am all out of smart *** gas for the night
but I have other
more combustible sentiments
to keep you warm

are your birds sleeping?
are they hungry?
are they delivering your messages?

I do not have a vacancy
which is ok
because I have no reservations

the earth holds the moon in its steady and permanent grip
the moon pulls on the waters with longing
today I don’t have the strength
to withstand the push and pull of the tide
today I don’t have the mind
to navigate celestial bodies
today I let the waves toss me onto the shore
as the ocean retreats
today I rest on the beach
watching others play in the surf

we will find all the Pokémon downtown
we will catch them and battle them and other stuff
we will wear gloves and eat donuts

** hum
I’m a lonely mum
with only a dog,
a grumpy grouch
it’s rainy, it’s grey
and do I dare say
other company
could be much more fun
on this couch

smooth, pink, and iridescent
like fresh water pearls
sparkling sweetly
they’ve never been so pretty
my toes

I hope your day is good
and you’re not misunderstood
and your thoughts of me don’t give you too much wo...
heartburn

you budged in here with a mask
it’s not my fault you got shot

little bits of song
and silence
I would never
shy away
from you

I am alone in the bed and—
no, wait... nope
I’m not
a small wiggling creature is climbing,
hugging, kissing, squirming
— mom? are you awake?
&$!#!*!!
— can you go to the bathroom with me?
— yes baby, let’s go...

there’s a storm happening on the ocean
the boundary between sea and sky blurred by
the confused water
the pouring gunmetal static
a thickening albedo of rain drowning the atmosphere

the mass of water spreads rhythmically up
climbing the ladder of itself
there is no light to be caught in its prism
only the dark root of sound
a primordial beckon from the sky
a being of water could find transcendence in such a union
an otherworldly bliss worthy of pursuit
so the water creatures believe
as they climb

everything is wonderful with my world
and I am happy
happy happy
it’s a beautiful evening and I love my house
my street
my job
I am lucky lucky
lucky
the breeze tells me so
in the impenetrably delicate language of chaos theory
and the setting sun
is just a setting sun
no matter how many tales it spins
into electromagnetic currents around the earth
things spin
we spin
I spin
and fall down laughing

I know, I know
you want me to chill
face reality
get my **** together
or something
Ima do that
next week

I’m sure it’s nothing to do with me
I’m not that important
Or so I’ve been told

I care about you so much
I want you so bad
so so much
so so bad
so so so so much
so so so so bad
et cetera

truth is a tiny current
ebbing along the probability wave
of human thought

is this like that time
I asked if you had ***** problems
or that time I called you a scary stranger
or is it like that time
I accidentally
had *** with Philip
a few times

I am peaking out this hole
I am leaving scraps
they are my art

wait, was it a coincidence?
do it again

I imagine him suffering over me
it’s indulgent, I know
he’s not
but it makes me feel love
and sympathy and forgiveness
and human

and I can’t imagine you
at all

it’s very slippery
with the moon
so slippery

but I’m trying to reassure you
its ok

I’m breaking up with you alcohol
we had a great run
but it’s over
you should know
I’ve been seeing someone else
a tall drink of water
he’s everything I need
there’s someone out there for you though
keep your spirits up

please don’t show up when I’m out with my friends
or come around looking for your favorite glass
that will just be awkward
I’ve put all your stuff on the curb
someone will be picking it up in the morning
good bye

I never know what to say
on any given day
to make things go your way

the pain of imperfection
the pain
and mystery
of you
is in my future
you are in my future
I know this
can taste it
you are
you will be
the sweet enduring pain
of my salvation

I forgive you darling
you only need to forgive yourself
and let lovers love
it’s true
only selves can blame selves
I love your God if it has taught you this
I am happy for your good fortune
I will still fantasize about you
though not in high heels

bright day
cozy bed
languid thought
my favorite feeling

you are so hard
to get close to
but are you also hard
when you think of me?

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

the greatest thing you can say to your boss
music to their ears
—I’ll take care of it

he makes me feel safe
he held me while I cried
over you
kissed my forehead
tucked me in
he fills this tiny space with love
seals the cracks
and I feel safe
he’s the only one
whose ever done that

I’m wearing a pink shirt,
maroon striped socks,
and your patience
but I’m happy to take it all off

feeling spectacularly alienated
and being spectacularly different
are not the same thing