This evening my life changes
For better or worse I couldn't tell
The outcome dependant
Many variables in play
This evening
I change my life
For the same I cannot remain
Much in preparation
More so in deliberation
My ultimate conclusion?

This evening I must change my life forever

This morning I stood in the rain
Unafraid of illness
Not bothered by the cold
Something moved me
I couldn't explain what
Delusional again
I felt her
I felt her smile
I'd heard she was well
Someone told me she was happy

For the love that never was mine nor ever shall be

I am proud of you
You're doing great
Keep your chin up
You can handle anything
I ** you
I miss you

Her faded touch
Etched deeply in memory
How must I carry such
For what never was mine
An evening alone
I lay beside her
Nothing in my mind
Not pain
No consequence
I felt only love
In a moment
Flashed images
An entire life
Never to be mine
How can I carry this
For what is most likely to be
Another man's wife

What you see is not me
You see what use to be
That outer, now, hollow shell of me
I guess you could call me free
With nothing and nowhere to be

Gun fire and blast beats
All but to drown out
Ones past deeds

Sweat stained skin
Swarming with flies
I might aswell be dead
As everything in this life
Seems like a load of lies

I need not anyone know me
I need not approval
I need but one simple thing
I need my inner peace

No longer knowing the veil between
What's real and what isn't
A mind left to wander
Among ruins hopeless
On different paths
Remnents of a heart
Cast out for survival
Amidst the scurry of ferals
Banished knowing its betrayal
T'ward seeking wisdom
Eventually a mind at peace
The resting place for one's shell

Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs
Streetlights, fast cars
Street life, fast drugs

Stand with me in the mirror
Tell me what you see
All I can guarentee
That I see is definitely thee
Unfortunately
That which you see
That's no longer me
For I murdered he
Only to live without she
I wish ever so to let it be
Yet still so haunted by memory

Something to get straight
As if u boxing a crate
It's none other than myself
Forbidden amidst the top shelf
I can't relate
All I do is self desolate
In this world I feel like an elf
Ever gazing for that top shelf
Here I self isolate
Watching as passer-by's come to desecrate

Oh by the way
Happy Valentines day
I hope you have
A smashing day

Show me a place
The place of light
Your inner grace
My inner most delite

It'd seem peoples expectations
became the bars of my own
Cerebral prison cell

1 round chambered
15  rounds clipped
All 16 rounds
Precisely well placed
Marksmen at hold
Sidearm withdrawn
Holstered
5cm spacing
A congratulations
My downfall
Not a single round
Actually ruptured my pallet

A
A memory
A home
A love
A light
A figure
A presence
A nonpareil
Where you ask
I'd tell you if I could

Live and let me die

I keep imagining the day

The day you look through me

Not recognizing me

Not reminded by our past

A time where I no longer hold a place in your memory

Only to see your gaze undisturbed

I can no longer be your pain

My dreams

Lucid

Of moments I see you

Each time I crumble

The sight of a fearful Angel

An Angel tormented

A past figure

Only bringing pain

A figure I'd never wanted to be

For what it's worth

I am so sorry

I haven't the heart
To get close
To look into your eyes
To see what I've become
Within eyes of ocean blue
Soulfully penetrating
Fearful
Of emptiness I hold
Disappointment
From an Angel
Soul shattering
Self inflicted

I miss you more than I can bare
But we had our time together
And I have to let you go

Be it he
Or be it me
Forth through time
Shall it ever be
Me
The one who chased away
HER
My Guardian Angel
With you goes
The remains of me
The core of my heart
For yours it will always be

To thee I bid
Farewell
Tis best
I restrain
Further complications
Wish full avoided
I do love thee
Actions understood
I walk away
A final stride
Away from thou
The first true love
The friend I no longer have
I wish thee well
I wish
Prosperity
Love
Happiness
Qualities only found
In you

Gone are the days
Those glorious days of happiness
To what it may be
My own deceit
Destroying myself
Aseak my own hidden self
A raw being
An ugly sight
A truth I do not like
I'd torn love out of myself
Gone cold and void
Seeking Wisdom
Looking for peace
It wasn't there
Never could it be
Only in love
Anic

Oh how hard it is to watch the person you love waste away with someone they don't truly love
Call it a hunch
It was in her eyes
I know what I saw
I know what I felt
So many things unsaid
So many chances passed away
So much love cast astray
The things I wish I could say
The things I'd never get to say
I just want to save you
The way you saved me

I know now
Exactly
The monster I am
Thank you
I guess
For letting me know
Goodbye

I feel my heart crumbling
A weakened beat
Lacking motivation
To beat any longer

This war in my head
Without end
My once trophied mind
Torn and tormented
Now a rusted bell
From actions regretful

My heart lost
Yearnfully seeking you
In everything I do
From the once favorite hobby
To the long sit talking to the moon
It always returns to you

For you
My golden arrow
Wedged so elegantly
Inside my chest
Self-inflicted
What I've done to you
My damning

Could I once more
Find peace in your heart
Warmth in your touch
Love in your tone
The fire in your mind
That light so bright

I'm tired of denying myself what feels most right
Until I see you again
I hope you sleep tight
Til that moment I look in your eyes
To see if you let me in
I still love you
I will not allow myself to walk away again

A girl I loved
Well
A girl I love
She used to write poetry
I asked about it
Knowing I shouldn't have
I wasn't worthy of her love
I needed to break my own heart
To hear her say she doesn't love me
I was lost

Of late heavy hearted
Hollow
Withdrawn
Unidentifiable
I felt something
Something calling
To clear my mind
I journeyed oncemore
The cemetery of me
To see a year later a glint
In the spectrum of love
A poem

Only to be written by her
Painfully
Longing and yearning
To love Blue
I feel her writings
Every last one
I want to be Blue
Is Blue really me
It cannot be
Although
I want nothing other
Than to be Blue
What must I do
Do I draw near

I need you to forget
Forget him and all you saw in him
I've buried him
He was weak
He wanted nothing
Other than to love you

He ran
For you
His cowardice and actions in silence
His Sacrifice for you
To prosper
You'll always be the Angel of his eye
The sole heir to his heart

He walked away though
His greatest regret
The regret that shattered him
Torn apart at every seam
He loved you more than himself

Although
We both know he couldn't make you happy
Neither can what he's become
What stands in his image
Is not him anymore
It's me
If I speak for him

He still loves you
We both agree
You deserve so much better
Forget him
This can't go on
Neither him or I
Have place in this world
Let alone place in your magnificent heart

You never needed him
Not the way he needed you
We did this for you
You've moved on
For the best

He tried
He failed
There is not other like you
Carry that with you
Your love so pure
As he'd said
A love to pure for this world

He missed his chance
Now let him rest
Forget about him
Allow what's left of his soul
To die

Along with what remains of his flesh
He never wanted to be in this world
Not until he'd met you
That's in the past
It's nothing either him or I could figure a way to fix
You're better off without him
Besides
Liams' gone now

A hot shower
Had me in tears
Not even hot water on this cool evening
Could bring me the warmth
Of your smile alone

Brisk
The two different meanings
We'd spent an hour analyzing
How long ago
What I'd give to talk to you again
To see your light
Only to see you shine so bright
No matter what we'd talk of
You brought out my light
On days like there
Brisk
I want nothing but you
Your presence
Your love

If I could ask anything of God

Do I ask him to show you that you deserve only the greatest love in the world and I'm far from it or do I ask him for the means to give you only the greatest love in the world
To receive your love from another world

Oh how I've run
So so many times
I ran to the military
I ran away from you
Nothings ever hurt more
Not making selection
Roamed France
No path found
Returned
Anew
Redefined
Tweaked
Still wondering
Could I face you again
Even briefly
I guess time will tell
I just mustn't run
Not again

I'm not very certain
What will come in the end
All I know is it involves a gun
And a pen

Lost in the deepest forest
Of my clouded mind
Treversing rugged terrain
Climbing sheer cliff-faces
Then thinking of taking the short way down
Lost pretty much everything
Just my family
Keeping me going
Their wellbeing and your face
All that kept my step back
I couldn't hurt my family
I'll carry on as best I can
For the chance I see you
To show you I've been strong
Hopefully to see Happy
To say I'm proud of you
To hear you say you're proud of me

I get it now

I saw so much in her
Perfect in every imperfection.
Heart of pure love
A smile that warmed my broken heart
The dream girl I'd always imagined
Intentions so pure.

My Hearts
Fallen Angel


All I needed
Life material you might say

But I

A stupid heart reduced to coal, mercury arteries, yes my intentions were true but I had to be the idiot to question Her!

No-one will ever know of this but I truly did love her

I loved her smile
The way it warmed me from the inside

The way she'd play with her hair liquifying the inner crevasses of this heart

I loved how kind hearted she was and how she cared so much but I always believed she deserved better realizing I am tormented, a burden unbaringly deserved.

I should've said what I felt
I should've kissed her

Instead leant Apon the door
I wouldnt allow myself

I looked You in the eyes and shot myself

Although all I wanted was to see you
I couldn't for your own good
You knew it was coming
That's why you ask dme to leave you alone
So it wouldn't be as painful

A Necessary Sacrifice
Your Happiness and Well being
All I want for you

Til time flies and paths not overstep

I'll be wishing you well

From a Place, Time and Location Never Known

Just as much the mystery to me than you

In search of

Answers

Questions

Knowledge

Wisdom

Of

LOVE

A piece of Myself I could never forget because of You

I broke the law today
Swimming in Gods creation
The Ocean
So calm
So graceful
Soothing my soul
The way you did
Simply sitting next to me
Talking
Keeping my mind busy
If only I'd reached out for you
The way I did in my strides
To take you in
To have you close to me
Feeling your heart beat against mine
To set weary souls at peace
I wish I'd have run my fingers along your arms
To have kissed you
Serene bliss
But just like the ocean
I had to walk away
Fearing I'd cause trouble
The way I always do

As I sit here drowning it all out
Crickets and cycada
Breaking the silence
The silence of you
Your many voices
Taken once as a blessing
No longer
Now I listen for the croaking toad
The cars driving by
Noises of the city
My overactive mind
Now at bay
When will the day come
The day I no longer hear you
The day I'm free
I'm not with you
I never was
I don't want this anymore
I need solace
I need you out of my head

I'm just a should have been
Could have been
Never was and never ever
Will be
I was just the friend
The neighbour
Overstepped my welcome
Drawn by purity
Defeated by love
A weakened heart
The broken mind
Drove me insane
Drove me away
Fully accepting
My poor decisions
My insensitive choice of words
My ignorance

The role of the bad guy

For you to live peacefully
For you to be happy
You awoke something dormant
Something powerful
Within me
As if your eyes were your key
Seemingly tailor made

I'll forever carry you in my heart
At my weakest you were my light

Teaching me
Moulding me
Releasing me

I can no longer think of you
My thoughts your torment

I leave you to be
As we weren't meant to be

I'm proud of you
To have called you my friend
My hearts first true love

The love you are to spread
His gift to the world

You are so bright
Brighter than you'd ever know
Bright enough to revive a darkened soul

Goodbye my Friend
Goodbye Anic

Thank you
For saving me

Now go forth
Spread love and healing
You're good at it

In God's name
I pray for you
I wish you the greatest
The most wonderful
The holiest
The most loyal and loving
You deserve nothing but the greatest
For you are and always will be

Goodbye Anic
Goodbye my Friend

Drained
Battered and beaten
I push through each day
Heart scarred
Mind torn
Existence tormented
Yet you
Still only you
Manage by mere thought
To calm a weary mind
Mend a sheared heart
Prompt a shadowed existence
Physically afar
Spiritually uplifting
Immediately and inveriably
Present at heart

I can feel you
Forgetting me
I've never been
Happier
For you

My pain
I will vanquish
This way the only i know
I'd saught for years
The greatest wisdom
An all powerful knowledge
To fix the world
Yet I failed
To fix me first
I'd lost myself
In you
Then I ran
Spluttering.
Speaking words
Lies from a dying heart
I've treated it so cruely
Denied my own love
More so the fact
You never needed me

Tearing me apart
Agonizingly steady
Self destructively
This a burden
This pain
I'll have to carry
In dedication
To the service
Of humanity
Rightiously
The right hand
Of God
My trials and tribulations
To have earned my place
In the Holy Lands
Where I oneday hope to see


You

Serafic
Golden in Aura
As beautiful as the day I first saw you
To hear you Laugh
Even just once more
To hear you lived a Happy life
To know your Soul will live Peacefully Forever
To know you've been Truly Loved
For all that ou are
For all You ever will be

What cruel items
Mirrors
Why would someone create such things
I looked in one today
The first time in months
Fearing what I'd see
I was right
I couldn't recognize that person
Eyes hollow
Skin porcelain
Face expressionless
Then to
Looking at old photos
Comparing
What happened to that guy
The one who loved
The one who cared
The one with a plan
Now callus
Eyes cold
Future unditermined
Life meaningless
Fading
This isn't what I wanted
Losing myself
I created this monster
This is what I am to live with
My burden

I'll be around
For a while
It's no doubt
Weary
Lost
Hoping that the day I see you again
You're happy
You're loved
You're smiling
This is all I want
It's all I've ever wanted
For you
I just hope
You don't see
What's left of me

Where do I go
Knowing nothing
Not fearing death

Into the abyss
Devoid
Cold
I fit the picture now
I've lost it all
Truly Free
Independant
Fearless
Dangerous
Facing heights and cliffs with an urge
An urge to glide
Though for my family
I push through
The abyss
Atop my left shoulder
Guiding me
Through pain
Through silence
Through my sacrifice
The sacrifice I made of myself
My sanity
For you

I miss you
I miss me
As bizarre
As it may be
I feel I cannot be
Without thee

I sat with Dahlia today
As if some animal intuition
She'd known I'd thought of you
I saw her eyes light up
For such a bundle of energy
She immediately sat in my lap
She knew I missed you
She misses you too
So it seemed
So unreal
Afterall
My rescue pitbull pup
Until she became our rescue pup
The moment your face lit up when you saw her
I think she'd recognize you anywhere
Even after such a long time
That's love
Our love
Our hidden love
Our past love
It was there
There's no doubt
As I regret leaving with Dahlia
I still think it was best
Atleast I've got her
My first day with her
A beautiful memory of us
I guess this is all I can take from this

I know not
How much longer I can do this
How much longer I can carry this facade
I cannot do this
Without you
I had to though
I thought it'd be best
For you
This hole in my chest
Your absense
I don't know if I can do this
Weaker by the day
But I have to
For my family
I'm fighting everyday
Fighting for them
The way I wish I'd fought for you
Each day getting harder
Longer
Emptier
Colder
How do I go on
I really don't know
Call me dramatic
You could never understand
I miss you
I still love you
I can't live this way much longer
I need you
I've always needed
You