Oh no.
Is it back?
Could this be?
The fingers flying
Clicking clacking
Bach on the keys
Streams of thought are hard to maintain.
Just lie back and let it take you away.

The boom boom kick.
Rhythm to my heart.
I should probably do some cardio
if I plan on living long.

Twenty October, 2015.
The day we go dark and cease existing.
No I don't mean we as in you,
but more as in me.
An inside joke taken a bit too seriously.
But I'm wary and my instincts tell me prepare
to say goodbye to everyone
because the end is near.
Absurd paranoia and yet I can't avoid it.
Or turn off the nihilism.
Everything seems pointless.

Everyone has something buried deep
internal struggles, personal flaws.
I hide mine behind smoke screens and walls.
I rarely leave, I'm a somber loner.
Its much preferred to feeling sober.

I can't stay outta my own head.
Paths for conversations we'll never have
meticulously planned out.
What will you say next?
How do I express an accurate reaction,
when I feel I have very little capacity?

People just aren't my forte .
Social skills lacking
Banter always feels like *******.
Neither person honestly caring for what is said in passing.
Just an exchange of pleasantries
Or perhaps its genuine.
Perhaps its just me.

I was told to write to help me understand
that the emotions I'm feeling aren't out of my hands.
But now the greens all gone
from both my wallet and my lungs.
And without crutches left
I have no legs to stand on.
I've been sitting here in silence
waiting for anyone,
to see who'll start a conversation
instead of responding to one.

Lay perfectly still
and wait until the bass makes your face vibrate.
Mindfolds on in perfect darkness
feel the music start to bring you solace.
Body goes numb and with it the mind
sleep paralysis sets in try not to fight it.

Hallucinations so vivid,
a reality so lucid.
Let it overwhelm you or run the risk of losing it.
Get lost in a dream of your own design
carefully constructed behind your eyes.
Its a tall task if you want to build your own city,
Or feel the emptiness of space and experience infinity.

A lack of motivation
No will to succeed.
I've come to a crossroads
but it's direction I need.
Which path do you take when they all seem the same?
Long winding roads fraught with sadness and pain.
Maybe stay the course and ignore the budget
because clear minds cause cloudy judgement.
Or I could put it all down and try to go clean
but then I'm stuck in my own skin forced to be me.
Synapses shooting signals constantly causing my anxiety.
I'm unstable on the edge so please tread lightly.
Because I don't know who's in charge at any given moment.
Voices in my head always screaming to get violent.
The reptile is running wild, he can't be contained.
I'm just the meat puppet while hes pulling on my strings.
Listen to your thoughts conflicting.
Realize that somethings missing.
Fall victim to the instincts that once kept you alive.
My greatest adversary is locked inside.

Open up Word and start the *******.
Because I have things to say but no one’s listening.
Only me, and I hear it all too well.
Buying all the ******* my inner demons sell.
For as much as I talk to myself,
you'd think we'd be friends.
Instead I start swinging
until there's blood on my hands.
I’m at war with myself but it can’t just be me,
to look into the mirror and hate what they see.
I feel so ugly. Lost in the hopelessness.
Lungs please forgive me I’m only trying to cope with this.
If there’s a purpose to anything I’m struggling to find it.
Stop pushing your pills on me, I’ve already tried it.
The days go by but they all feel the same
When you’re stuck in the cycle, playing the same game.

Another Monday comes and goes
and with it brings a new set of woes.
More ******* assignments
and papers to write
about **** that I don't care about
but I'm forced to try.

Got my graded calc test
I scored a 68.
Because I don't care about your curves
or if the line is straight.
Teach me something useful
like how to be an adult.
Don't fill my head with nonsense
That I'll never use at all.

College is a joke.
Such a cleverly crafted scheme.
To get us to throw money at them
because we "need them to succeed."
But I grow tired of the *******
and I'm sick of your games.
Just give me my degree,
and I'll be on my way.