I'm scared to say those eight letters

I went down the the gas station
for no particular reason,
heard the screams from the high school
it's football season.
empty lot the station faces,
will probably be there forever.
I climbed over the four foot fence,
I was trying to sever the tether.
moon in the sky, cold as a stone
spend each night in your arms,
Always wake up alone.

I lay down in the weeds, it was a real cold night.
I was happy until the overnight attendant switched on the floodlight.
walking home I was talking to you under my breath,
saying things I would never say directly.
I heard a siren on the road highway ahead.
kinda wish they'd come and get me
frost on the sidewalk, white as a bone
tried to get close to you again,
always wake up alone.

and as i was crossing our doorstep,
i hesitated just a moment there.
remembered the day we moved into our small house
'til the vision got too vivid to bear.

you were almost asleep, halfway undressed
i lay right down next to you
held your head against my chest.
and a guy with any kind of courage
would maybe stop to think the matter through
maybe hold you still and raise the question,
instead of blindly holding on to you.
but we crank up the heat
and you giggle and moan,
spend all night in the company of ghosts,
always wake up alone

Another day another number
Another day another empty bedside
Another day to smell the hair on the pillow sheets
That cocoon me with my frantic mind
Another day acting like
Sleeping with different girls every week is fun
Another day of being called a ****** slayer
By your friends who wish they were like you

Why oh why
Do I have to see these days pass by
Without being called a ****
Another day where men measure themselves
On how manly they are
By the number of girls you have slept with.

Sleep on this
I can’t sleep at night
As Whatshername’s
Hair brushes on my nose
I sit there thinking these 14 things
That seem to tug on shirt
Asking for my attention

1.) I hope she had fun tonight

2.) I hope this clock stays at 2:13am
maybe if I stare at it the minute hand
It won’t move

3.) I hope I can feel loved by her by another night
I want her to see
That I’m not just a ******
Craving her curves on my body.

4.) I hope she can see through the cracks of my smile

5.) I hope she sees that I’m not like everyone guy

6.) I hope I can make her pancakes when she wakes up
Before she escapes the person she calls a regret.

7.) I hope sun doesn't come up
Because I’ll have to walk alone in cold street called reality

8.) I hope she doesn't realize
The reason I have *** with her
Is to avoid to larger problems in my life.

9.) I hope that ****** worked

10.) I hope I can change my ways,
why can’t change my ways?

11.) I hope my dad’s leather belt
Isn't waiting for me
When I sneak back home,
Yet I’m excited to see it
Because I feel my father’s touch
Through the sounds of leather

12.) I hope my future son doesn't see me like this

13.) I hope my number of girls I've slept with stops at 13

14.) I hope I can stop

Stop
Stop
Stop
Whenever I try stop
All I can think of
Are those words
Floating around my head
Convicting me
That if people call you a “****”
“****** slayer”
“Man *****”
I just think to myself
“Well I guess I am who I am”
15
16
17

she said she fell
for the drunk me -

well, i liked me
that way-better, too

how very sad
- but true

i'd drink again
if i knew i could -
if it would do any good

- to lick her sweat
one drop at a time
all along the jawline

- making her salt mine
one more time.

r ~ 11/15/15

The handle of my
New knife
Didn't sit so well in my
Palm.

The blade sure did.