On my knees with big round eyes
I ask for a cup of water and sun in the sky
With a soft pat and a disgruntled okay
I’m given a drop and a ray

On the tip of my finger with venomous words
I scream for a flood and life supply of burns
With a silent turn and a slamming door
I’m not given a storm or a war
But now our hurt has an even score

Happy Birthday
that's it
A year later and older
So much has happened
During that year , we laughed and cried
But here one year later and older
It all has changed
I can here you laugh down the hall
But I haven't seen you in a month
Who knows what changed
Between 10-20-2018 and 10-20-2019
I know I shouldn't
But I miss you and
Happy Birthday

Have you ever lived your worst nightmare?
Sitting on your best friends bed
Daggers leaving her mouth
Stabbing you straight through your heart
Half expecting to see spiders crawl out of her eyes
But it’s real
You can feel her soft blanket under you
The one you used when you slept in her room
It’s real

So there you are
Sitting on your best friends bed
The person who knew you best
The person who you told everything
Is staring at you like you’re a stranger
Like you haven’t spent nights drinking wine out of ***** mugs
Like you haven’t gossiped about boys together
Like you haven’t cried together

After you frantically flip through
The pages of your memories
Searching the moment when things changed
But things didn’t
All you can remember is laughter and fun

So it’s real
And no matter how much you think and wonder
And no matter how much you pinch yourself
There’s nothing you can do
You’re alone now
And it’s real

Dear joseph,
I just wanted to quickly thank you for how good you’ve been to me. I don’t know if I can communicate how much it meant to me. THank you for going out of your way and picking me up when you were at work. I know it was inconvenient for you but I don’t know how I would of been able to stay in my room. Have I ever mentioned how wonderful you are? You were so great and knew exactly how to cheer me up. I know I was probably extra clingy and annoying. I’m sorry for that but it was like one of my worst fears realized. I always have this little voice in the back of my head telling me that everyone secretly hates me and one day they’ll all realize it and leave me. Normally when I feel this way, it’s all in my head and never true but this time it wasn’t. I honestly thought it may of all been a terrible dream and I would wake up and everything would be normal. I’ve had people leave me out of the blue before and I don;t trust people to stay around. And they knew that and they did it anyways. I honestly don’t get how people can just decide things like that. Even if I felt as if I was growing apart from someone, I would always be there. With you, I don’t feel the impending doom that you’ll realize that you don’t want me anymore. Thank you for always making me feel loved.
<3 Katie

I will give you 90% of my heart
Please disregard the broken fragments
And don’t ask
That little dark splinter has shriveled
It’s not worth giving

I will open all the doors to my soul
But please don’t go into the basement
It’s dark and damp and full of spiders
It can’t renovated
It’s not a place for living

Please be satisfied
With holding my bright beating heart
And walking the ornate halls of my soul
Attaching the splinter may spread its disease
Opening the door may release the spiders

I’m terrified of showing you the splintered remain
And answering the questions that follow
I’m terrified of opening the basement door
And seeing your face change from adoration to pity
So please let them be

I rest my head against your back
Pressing into your warmth
I can hear your heart beating
I can feel you breathing
As you fall asleep

You are the shore to my tide
Stable and dependable
There when I fall
To cushion the blow
There when I rise
Sparkling in the sun
Reminding me to come back home
No matter how far I rome

With you I flow freely
Exploring the ocean
And when I’m tired
There you are
Warm and comfortable
A perfect to rest

So as I rest my head on your back
My arms tightly wrapped around you
Our legs intertwined
Safely surrounded in your scent
As I fall asleep

Blindsided when you left
Even though i shouldn’t have been
Blindside when you came back
Saying the things I wished
You had said months ago
Things I never thought I would hear
Things I wish weren’t true
'
You said we had no “spark”
You said you weren’t sure
You said you were confused
You said things that broke me

Now you are taking it back
After four months of me being happy
With another
After all this time
I thought we were just friends
Now you are taking this friendship away
Proclaiming your continuing feelings for me

I hope you know
That even without Joe
I would never go back
The moment you said it
My first clear thought
Was not of you and me
But of him

Three words sitting on the tip of my tongue
With the weight of a thousand great white horses
They flow in my veins like honey
Sickly sweet and sticky
They float in my lungs like bubbles
Crystal clear and coaxing
They flutter in my stomach like butterflies
Perfectly pure and playful
They beat in my heart like a drum
Brightly booming and beaming

But here I am engulfed in silky sweet caramel
Hesitating to let the words free
Whispering them silently
Screaming them in my head
I love you Joseph
And while it’s seems to soon to say
I feel it in every inch

It’s strange how
So few words
Can break me
In a way I’ve never felt before
Like everything I’ve dreamt
And hoped
Is shattered
Into a billion shards

All of jokes
And promises
Like when you said
“When i meet your family”
It scared me at first
But now i see it
You and my mother
Getting along so well
But that won’t happen now
Because you don't know
And you don't feel
Like i do

Stage 1
     I waited
     For a smile
     A laugh
     For you to reveal
     A cruel joke
     I would of
     Laughed
     And forgiven
     Kissed your cheek
     A playful slap
     But you continued
     And I choked and
     Never said a word
Stage 2
     I blamed myself
     My pride
     Was my downfall
     If I gave in maybe
     You would of stayed
     I was idiotic
     And clingy
     If I could only change maybe
     You would come back
     But you didn’t
     You wouldn’t
     And I
     Never said a word
Stage 3
     I was disappointed
     In myself
     For letting you
     Break me
     I should have never stayed
     Through the yelling
     The tears
     The constant manipulation
     I was idiotic
     And naive
     Why would I
     Let myself
     Never say a word
Stage 4
     I was angry
     That anyone
     Could do the things
     That you did to me
     Rage bubbled
     And scrapped
     At all things I
     Believed and was good
     In me
     And I wanted to
     Scream and say
     Everything but I
     Never said a word
Stage 5
     I mourned
     Everything you took
     My willingness
     To fall
     Without looking
     My trust
     That someone
     Could love me
     With my broken pieces
     But here I am
     Missing myself
     And I still
     Never said a word
Stage 6
     I forgave
     Myself
     Not him
     But maybe
     Someday
     I will
     And now
     I guess
     It’s time
     To learn
     Love again
     But still I’ll
     Never say a word

Grazing fingers
Shaking breath
Searching hands
Whispering voices
A heart in one’s hand

As we begin
I am all smiles
And sly jokes
Letting go of little insignificant pieces
Keeping the lion's share
Behind locks and concrete

But there you are
Beautiful in a way I don’t understand
With lake filled eyes
And sharpie covered arms
I find myself reaching
Faster and grabbing harder

My heart roars behind my walls
Chipping away at the concrete
But as the wall cracks
The more I need to retreat
Knowing the more you know
The faster you’ll leave

I don't want this to slip through cracks
Like water I cup in my hands
As it seeps between my palms
Until my hands are empty
And I am left unquenched

But I am afraid to bring my hands to my lips
And drink in this water
I am afraid  the well is polluted
Or that my hands are *****
With poison that will enter my bloodstream
And leave me empty

I cannot see the bottom of this well
It is too dark and too deep
To know how far the water goes
I do not know the aquifers
That give it life
I do not know
when the well will run dry
Leaving a puddle of water
Mixed with dirt and sand
Leaving me with empty hands

But I do not want this to slip through the cracks
I want to drink thoroughly and deeply
From the palms of my hands
And let the excess run down my arms
Dripping down my body
Letting the water wash away
The **** and the dirt that has been left behind
I want this water to be full of minerals
To seep into my core
And make me stronger
I do not want this well to dry
But I cannot control the water
So I will savor every drop

I gaze through the window
Seeing a shadow stare back at me.
I trace the down turned mouth plastered in place
I wait for the tears to fall
but they are stuck in her sad cold eyes
that stare right through me,
As if I am not here

In the emptiness
I see happiness long since forgotten
A tear runs down the shadow's cheek
In the tear I see family and friends
I hear sounds of laughter and music
I smell Christmas trees and ginger
I feel the happiness and fullness that was once there
I feel a tear stroll down my own face

For the split moment the shadows face twitches
A slight upturn of the lips
A silent ironic laugh
I startle at my sense of relief
That this cold shadow
Was able to feel for even just a second

Like an unplugged dam
The shadows face crumbles and breaks
Swallowed in it's tears
The shadow starts to choke and drown

I watch the shadow curiously
As it desperately tries to reach out
As it desperately pleas for help
As it desperately tries to retreat

I slowly reach towards my face
In sync with the shadow
I notice that my face is streaked with tears
That I can't breath
That I am no longer here
That it’s just the glass and the shadow
of what used to be me

I jump in and swim to the bottom.
I don't wait to see if you were ahead.
I don’t wait to feel the splash.
I sit here waiting at the bottom,
Waiting for you to come and give me breath.
I hold my breath and watch the colors.
I hold my breath and wait for you
You come, but do not let me breathe.
You drag me around and weigh me down,
Bringing me deeper and farther than I would ever go.

We swim, we play.
Before I know it, I am happily tied to the bottom.
I blink and find you swimming to the surface.
I thrash against at the ropes,
Trying to swim,
Trying to reach.
But it is too late.
You are already gone.

I sit here alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
For the first time,
I felt pressure clawing at my throat.
Wanting, needing to breathe
I sit alone alone,
Sitting at the bottom.
Wanting to leave for the first time ever.
I can’t sit here alone for much longer.

I claw and bite at the ropes,
I kick and scramble in the water.
I feel the shadow of your ghost grab at my toes.
Comforting, angering, painful.
I scream, cry, choke
Water filling my eyes
I sink, giving into the firm ghost arms.
I turn my head and try to breathe in your scent.
I choke, scream, cry,
Water filling my thoughts
I hate myself for letting you go.
I hate myself for hating myself.
I cry, choke, scream
Water filling my lungs
I hurt I crash
I can’t take it anymore.
I scream scream scream,
Water filling my heart.
I claw I kick
I scramble I fight
I reach reach reach.
Air finally comes.

The pure bliss of oxygen,
The pure terror of freedom.
The world looks different:
Not brighter, not darker but different.
Subtle at first, but then explicitly clear.

I no longer need reassurance,
I no longer trust freely
I no longer leap or jump,
I no longer leave me for last.
I no longer always find a reason to laugh.

I used to jump in and swim to the bottom,
Not noticing if you were there or following behind.
Now I pace around the pool checking carefully:
Dip a toe in to test the waters.
If I go in, will you follow?
If I go in, will you come out?
What if it thunders?
What if it lightnings?
How long until the lifeguard blows the whistle?
What if I stay in the pool?
What if I get in the pool with you
Get comfortable get happy?
And slip and fall and can never get out?
If stay where its dry,
If I stay on the outside,
I can’t get hurt.
You can’t drown me without water.

The rhythmic tap of my thumbs
As my heart stutters and leaps
A melody in my pocket
A day dream of the future
Of a kiss to come
Of brown eyes
Seeing straight into me
Of letting down my walls
Letting myself spill out

Brown eyes stare back at me
Twinkling with humor
A slight bob of the head
Not in agreement or affirmation
But in sheer giddiness
A nervous chuckle
A smile expands
Revealing a cute little gap
Perfect in its imperfection

A kiss on my nose
A hand on my cheek
Arms wrapped around me
Brown eyes too close to see clearly
Full of something I can't describe with words