If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
Is off-brand raisin bran
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die
Is packed to the brim with
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"
They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
I dream of confessions of love
And your hands on my waist
You are soft in my dreams
You tell me that it’s all been a farce
That you really love me
And you were scared
Scared of the oceans you feel for me
But I am forced awake
And the darkness in my room laughs
Because we’ve been here before
It knows this story
My brain is my downfall
It’s rosy colored hues
And romanticized ideals
Means not wanting
Definitely doesn’t translate to I love you
Life isn’t a romance novel
If he is silent
And walk away
Life will test you
Get the best of you
Make a mess of you
Leave you with less of you
She was a thrifted sweater and denim and jersey knit sheets
Pizza breath and red wine and toothpaste
Alabaster skin and knotted hair and freckled shoulders
A tangible dream and my favorite good morning
She agreed to let me kiss her and I agreed to let her slip my shirt over my head before she became
Blood and tears
"I trusted you" and "I’m sorry"
Midnight poems and a drunk "I need you"
I’m afraid I loved you like the way I wrote
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do?
It wasn’t letting you go.
That was difficult though, to swallow my pride and wear a smile to hide the fact I’m not okay.
Oh no, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? Was finally admit to myself the truth.
It was admitting that you were never mine to begin with.