Three words sitting on the tip of my tongue
With the weight of a thousand great white horses
They flow in my veins like honey
Sickly sweet and sticky
They float in my lungs like bubbles
Crystal clear and coaxing
They flutter in my stomach like butterflies
Perfectly pure and playful
They beat in my heart like a drum
Brightly booming and beaming

But here I am engulfed in silky sweet caramel
Hesitating to let the words free
Whispering them silently
Screaming them in my head
I love you Joseph
And while it’s seems to soon to say
I feel it in every inch

It’s strange how
So few words
Can break me
In a way I’ve never felt before
Like everything I’ve dreamt
And hoped
Is shattered
Into a billion shards

All of jokes
And promises
Like when you said
“When i meet your family”
It scared me at first
But now i see it
You and my mother
Getting along so well
But that won’t happen now
Because you don't know
And you don't feel
Like i do

Stage 1
     I waited
     For a smile
     A laugh
     For you to reveal
     A cruel joke
     I would of
     Laughed
     And forgiven
     Kissed your cheek
     A playful slap
     But you continued
     And I choked and
     Never said a word
Stage 2
     I blamed myself
     My pride
     Was my downfall
     If I gave in maybe
     You would of stayed
     I was idiotic
     And clingy
     If I could only change maybe
     You would come back
     But you didn’t
     You wouldn’t
     And I
     Never said a word
Stage 3
     I was disappointed
     In myself
     For letting you
     Break me
     I should have never stayed
     Through the yelling
     The tears
     The constant manipulation
     I was idiotic
     And naive
     Why would I
     Let myself
     Never say a word
Stage 4
     I was angry
     That anyone
     Could do the things
     That you did to me
     Rage bubbled
     And scrapped
     At all things I
     Believed and was good
     In me
     And I wanted to
     Scream and say
     Everything but I
     Never said a word
Stage 5
     I mourned
     Everything you took
     My willingness
     To fall
     Without looking
     My trust
     That someone
     Could love me
     With my broken pieces
     But here I am
     Missing myself
     And I still
     Never said a word
Stage 6
     I forgave
     Myself
     Not him
     But maybe
     Someday
     I will
     And now
     I guess
     It’s time
     To learn
     Love again
     But still I’ll
     Never say a word

Grazing fingers
Shaking breath
Searching hands
Whispering voices
A heart in one’s hand

As we begin
I am all smiles
And sly jokes
Letting go of little insignificant pieces
Keeping the lion's share
Behind locks and concrete

But there you are
Beautiful in a way I don’t understand
With lake filled eyes
And sharpie covered arms
I find myself reaching
Faster and grabbing harder

My heart roars behind my walls
Chipping away at the concrete
But as the wall cracks
The more I need to retreat
Knowing the more you know
The faster you’ll leave

I don't want this to slip through cracks
Like water I cup in my hands
As it seeps between my palms
Until my hands are empty
And I am left unquenched

But I am afraid to bring my hands to my lips
And drink in this water
I am afraid  the well is polluted
Or that my hands are *****
With poison that will enter my bloodstream
And leave me empty

I cannot see the bottom of this well
It is too dark and too deep
To know how far the water goes
I do not know the aquifers
That give it life
I do not know
when the well will run dry
Leaving a puddle of water
Mixed with dirt and sand
Leaving me with empty hands

But I do not want this to slip through the cracks
I want to drink thoroughly and deeply
From the palms of my hands
And let the excess run down my arms
Dripping down my body
Letting the water wash away
The **** and the dirt that has been left behind
I want this water to be full of minerals
To seep into my core
And make me stronger
I do not want this well to dry
But I cannot control the water
So I will savor every drop

I gaze through the window
Seeing a shadow stare back at me.
I trace the down turned mouth plastered in place
I wait for the tears to fall
but they are stuck in her sad cold eyes
that stare right through me,
As if I am not here

In the emptiness
I see happiness long since forgotten
A tear runs down the shadow's cheek
In the tear I see family and friends
I hear sounds of laughter and music
I smell Christmas trees and ginger
I feel the happiness and fullness that was once there
I feel a tear stroll down my own face

For the split moment the shadows face twitches
A slight upturn of the lips
A silent ironic laugh
I startle at my sense of relief
That this cold shadow
Was able to feel for even just a second

Like an unplugged dam
The shadows face crumbles and breaks
Swallowed in it's tears
The shadow starts to choke and drown

I watch the shadow curiously
As it desperately tries to reach out
As it desperately pleas for help
As it desperately tries to retreat

I slowly reach towards my face
In sync with the shadow
I notice that my face is streaked with tears
That I can't breath
That I am no longer here
That it’s just the glass and the shadow
of what used to be me