It's been a while, hasn't it?

I sometimes wonder
If you remember me at all,
Beneath your stressful days
And endless nights.

Do you remember me?

I have hidden here,
Waiting
Just for you.

Because I am you.

You are not the girl I used to know,
Not the one you used to be.
But that's okay,
I have changed too.

Have we both grown by leaps and bounds?

I wish you all the best,
But please
I beg of you.

Do not forsake me.

I chose life.

I could have gone,
Peacefully,
In my own time.

A choice.

Life or death.

To continue to suffer,
To fight.

To sleep in peace,
To end.

It was the hardest decision of my life,
But the most natural too.

Out of spite,
Out of fear,
Out of love.

Call it what you will.

Have you ever noticed
The way that gentle touching
Of keys on a keyboard
Sound so much
Like the pitter-patter
Of rain,
And how
A single written word
Can have as many
Endless meanings
As there are
Drops of water
In the sea?

Little Girl
Staring in the mirror,
Brushing her hair.

Little Girl
Hiding her secrets,
Living in fear.

Little Girl
Bringing ruin to her life,
Addicted to that sadness.

Little Girl.
You've ****** up again.

Little Girl
Hiding those tears,
Pretending everything's okay.

Pretending you're okay.

But you're not.

You still slice those wrists,
You still refuse to eat.

Because we both know
There's no point in living
If that life is already broken.

Recently, I've had more panic attacks.
Because, suddenly, everything matters.

Now more than ever.

And I can't amount to anything.

They say that honesty is the best policy, but
Is it really?

When the truth could hurt the ones you love most?

And lies are no better,
Covering up the truth
Just to save others.

It eats away at you.

And it makes me wonder,
Is there enough space

Between heaven
And hell

For people like us?

Because life has never been
About black or white.

Or grey.

Or pink
Or blue
Or red
Or green
Or yellow.

Although black has a tendency
To show up more amongst the crowd.

Life has never been about anything.

Life is nothing at all.

And it makes me wonder...

It seems that, for the longest time,
I could never write.

My mind can be full at times,
Full of beautifully poetic words.

But nowadays, I can't think
In the form of verses and stanzas.

I have tried so hard to turn this
Mess of madness into some form of beauty,

That I began to lose track
Of when beauty faded to madness,

So much so
That it started to consume me,

Wearing away
At my very soul.

Sometimes, I wonder,
Am I trapped inside my own head?

Refusing to believe the written on the page,
I just make up my own.

Is this what constitutes insanity?
Or is it my own lack of ability,

My refusal to see the light,
Even in the brightest of days?

My own thoughts like flies,
Drawn to the stench of my rotting mind?

Is this my own choice, my own fate?
Because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

I ask, May I Come In?

You reply, Who's There?

It's just me,
And my pessimistic thoughts.

I know you might not want me here.

In fact, I don't want me.

But your voice is of someone I can trust,
And right now, I need to feel loved.

"Are The Voices In Your Head Acting Up Again?"

A simple question, easy enough.
But I do not want to answer.

Eventually, I say "Yeah",
And I can already see you cry.

And for some reason, so do I.

Looking at my wounded heart,
Wondering why I played my part.

One for sorrow, Two for joy...

I fell in love with you,
Little did I know, you loved her too.

Three for a boy, Four for a girl...

Sweet moonlit walks, the long cold night.
I fell for you, in broad daylight.

Five for silver, Six for gold...

You went back to her, I know it to be true.
But maybe, just maybe, you miss me too.

We were both there,
Bathing in the sunlight
While the water flowed.

He had such golden hair,
Made brighter
By the shining of the sun.

He had known he'd die,
I knew.
I could tell in his eyes.

He took of his mask,
His final act of defiance.
I wept as he faded away.

Finally, I left.
Unwilling to die beside him,
Even if I had to keep this mask.

At least he had died as himself,
As I had stumbled along in the dark,
A complete stranger to myself.

I almost want to apologise for my lack of writing.

I go for months, years.

I try to be healthy,
To change my poetry into something

"Productive."

I always come back.

Something about it,
Being honest with myself.

No, I'm not okay.

For that brief time,
Where I am creative,
Happy,

Allowed to be whoever I am.

Before I pretend that this moment
Never existed.

Before I pretend I'm okay again.

Why does it always have to be my fault?

I am terrified of living.
I don't want to be hurt
Or scarred.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to end
Without my own purpose.

I want to have my own voice,
So nobody can speak for me,
Manipulate me however they choose.

I simply wish to be human,
To love,
And be loved.

After many years of thought,
I reached a conclusion.

My life has no meaning.

I have no reason for my existence,
No idea what to do with it.

But at least I'm not lying to myself.

The world full of distractions,
Hiding the fact that death inches ever closer

With every move we make.

Some might find meaning in helping others,
But you can help others if you can't help yourself.

Maybe I should die.

That's the point of it all, isn't it?
To suffer?

Everything dies out, eventually.

Even the universe,
The never-ending flow of time.

The only reason to live is to suffer.

And everything in between that
Is boring.

The middle of the night.
I feel as though I am dead,
But the darkness is not.

It whispers the memories of you,
The slight shadows on the walls
A reminder of our former glory.

The inky sky reminding me
How it feels to be another star
In a collection of millions.

Heart racing,
Lungs burning,
Mind slipping...

With one move, I'll fall into this eternal abyss.

I can't be seen,
Won't be found.
Not that I really cared, anyways.

All we were doing was playing mind games.

And I eventually lost.

I thought about my greatest work,
My "magnum opus" of life.

I found that it was myself,
And the various masks I wore.

See, I am the mistress of disguise,
Always hidden; never seen.

I suppose the greatest thing
I have ever done...

Is perfect the art
Of wearing this smile.

If there is one thing I can say,
It's that, over the years, I have learned.

Mainly, I know
That what I think

And what I write
Aren't always the same.

My hands have a mind of their own,
My fingertips play with the keys.

So many keys,
Which have so many letters on them.

My mind screams for happiness,
A lie I have always told,

Jumbling in a huge mess,
While my hands play on.

Maybe I have a plan,
But it doesn't seem it to me.

While my mind begs for happiness,
My hands record my darkness.

She watches the world
Through an old camera lens,
Wishing you were here.

What would you say
If you could see me now?

Losing my mind to a boy,
Who doesn't even exist?

Dead long ago
In that cold winter storm;

Blood on ice,
A horrible sight to behold.

My dear brother,
I once loved you.

Now I cry over you,
A faint echo of a memory.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I don't know if what I've been doing is "healing",

But one can hope.

First, the tears.

They build up and up and up,
Never falling, not just yet.

You stop breathing.

You start gasping for air,
The poison in your lungs, your head,
Making your head spin in all directions.

And, if you try to stop,
You end up making it worse.

Calm down.
Breathe.

But in order to calm down you must write,
And to write you must calm down,
The entire paradox
Sending your head swirling.

Vision blurry,
You stop thinking clearly,
Less clear than before.

The world a huge kaleidoscope
Of sadness.

Every attempt to find what you lost
More desperate,
More unrealistic
Than the last.

Each rejection,
Each nonexistence
A greater blow
Than the last.

And suddenly,
You
Can't
Breathe
At All.

And you're crying yourself to sleep,
Trying to make up for what was lost,
To make amends.

But you know,
Deep down
You'll never be okay with it.

That loss defines you.

My fingertips ready to type,
Electricity coursing through them.
Yet the words still don't come.

The end is a beginning,
I suppose. But this time,
It's the other way 'round.

If I were asked,
My medium of choice
Would be language.

So unclear,
Yet so certain,
They fail me now.

I see such beauty I cannot describe,
Such chaos I cannot portray,
Such anger I cannot express.

But my fingers remain poised,
Waiting for that moment...

When they are able to type.

Someone once told me,
"We act for one of two reasons;

For fear of losing something,
Or for love of gaining."

With all the greed I saw in the world,
I found it impossible to argue back.

So now I sit here,
And I wonder

What am I doing here?
Why am I like this?

I find these answers impossible,
But I have some theories.

I am mostly a fragile being,
Terrified of life and its trials.

Every thought of mine a reflection of that,
Who could ever argue?

Anything is better than being alone.

Maybe
I could stop caring about others.

Because
I begin to hate myself.

To lose myself.

So very ******* poetic.

But with you, I want to die.

Without you, I already am.

Time to put away that darkness,
Pretend to be happy.
Only if for one day.

This pain will bloom like a rose.
But that doesn't matter,
Just keep watering it with your silent tears.

Cut yourself up,
If you wish.
Just don't let them see your blood.

You only have to be happy,
Just this once.
Don't ruin this sacred day.

Put your violent past
Behind you.
Ignore your growing fear.

Your instincts were right.
But you're gonna die anyways,
So what does it matter?

And when those judging eyes
Finally leave,
You can end it once and for all.

I don't know why this is bugging me so much.

Maybe it's the fact
That I have to be so
Vulnerable.

I don't even have to talk about myself that much.

So why am I
So Scared?

It's just a silly little essay.

I don't want anyone to know.

That I'm not okay.

Because
I
Will
Be.

I just need a little more time.

Hurting.

She dances to the torment
Of her soul;
Writhing. Screaming.

Tearing out her hair,
Spinning in manic circles.
Bending her body in innumerable ways.

She's dying, slowly but surely.
She knows it. But she can't defeat
That ghastly song in her mind.

I've been looking through my memories,
Trying to recover that tenderness
That was somehow stolen from me.

All my life I've been a saint,
You'll think I'm lying.
Of course I am.

In reality, I'm a demon.
No-one has ever been able to look at me
And tell me otherwise.

So where did that love go?
In a hundred years, even a thousand,
Would anything ever change?

So, I ask of you,
Of anyone willing to hear;
Should I keep on searching?

Look at you.
So cynical;
Depressed.

What has made you this way?

You were once
Such a happy
Child.

When did things go wrong?

Maybe when
You finally
Gave up.

Dreams are for stupid children.

It's all a vicious cycle with you,
This family never seems to be enough.

All the grief you left unsaid,
All the love for the stillborn child.

No amount of sorrow,
Of anger, hate, or resentment

Will bring your beloved rose back.

I blame myself,
Knowing I may have taken some part of it,

But never for this.

You need no help in tearing us apart,
She has already done this to you.

And you are blind to what's in front of you.

I'm not okay.
Not even close.

I'm falling to pieces,
While you can't even see.

Or won't see, for that matter.

All my cracks,
Coating my skin,
Letting the blood flow.

I don't know where it all went wrong.

But now, I'm hiding
On the other side
Of my bedroom door.

And I won't let you in.

The longer I am in silence,
The less it is quiet.

An imaginary tune,
Soft sounds of my breathing,

There is no such thing as silence.
Except in my mind,

Where I cannot think
Except to feel this stinging pain.

The leftovers of addiction,
The beginning of an end.

Even the sound of my loved ones,
If they even exist...

Even their crying voices
Cannot reach me here.

A loud explosion,
Followed by
Deadly silence.

Both sides still
Fuming, hurting,
Believing they are right.

Two worlds
Torn apart
By a few awful words.

Their child left alone
Crying in the dark,
Their love forever gone.

The night
Is cold
And long.

I cannot
Think.

I want to
Be loved.

But I
Will die
Here.

Cold
Alone
Forgotten

As it
Should be

The pain
Makes
My existence
Fade.

Scattered thoughts.

I love you.

I disappointed everyone again,
So what's different this time around?

My little box filled to the brim,
My hidden secrets and emotions bubbling out.

What's different this time?
Why has the darkness continued to grow?

The thing is,
I'm falling to pieces.

And I know it, too.
But I can't stop it.

Nobody can.

So where will my words go this time?
Whose hearts will I destroy with my dark thoughts?

My friends, my family,
Everyone I love...

Gone in the blink of an eye,
Because I failed yet again.

I hate living
In this endless,
Cyclical world.

It tires me...

The constant abuse
Of inspiration,
Loved ones...

It's all monotone.

Still, my breath hitches
In that split second
Before the metal hits my skin.

I cry out for help, no one's there.

I wish I could cry,
But It's all the same.
Always has been, to me.

My life lacks colour.

Those who seek love
Don't always find it.

The truth of life
Is a harsh reality to bear.

Those with the strongest emotions
Tend to keep them bottled in.

Those who want happiness
Are seldom able to find it.

That rare sleep in the dead of night
Only lasts for a short moment.

All the best things we have
Slip through our fingers like sand.

How do I know?
I have been there, so many times.

And those who need help the most
Are never able to find it.

My mind,
Filled with dark thoughts,
The cynical ideas never ending.

Dressed in black, to match my soul.

But my skin,
So pale and tender,
So innocent and young.

Too young to die, too weak to ****.

So I meet in the middle,
Where dark and light collide into grey,
Only that grey is now red.

And the collision is leaving me with scars.

Take off your mask,
Piece by piece,
Until it all fades away.

Reveal your bleary eyes,
Crying in frustration,
From long, sleepless nights.

Show me your red lips,
That smile at the sun,
Which utter such sweet nothings.

Wear your scars,
From the dancing and mayhem,
Your sweet childhood friends.

Set your hair loose,
Your means for inspiration,
The beginning of so many poems.

And finally,
Show me your true self,
So you may become a reflection I recognize.

Last night I dreamed of you,
Though by now, you're long gone.

I know we could never happen,
Never in a million years.

You loved another,
And I foolishly thought...

But for a moment,
I was with you in my dreams,

With your touch so tender
And your kiss so sweet.

It brought back the ghosts of my love,
My sad, pitiful, stupid love.

And, though in waking I'd forgotten,
For a moment you were mine.

Don't worry about
Me committing suicide;
I won't follow through.

I wish I had some meaning

In this meaningless world.

I'm so tired of it all.

Of having to do the same thing,
Day in, day out,
No change whatsoever.

It feels as if
Every month
Keeps getting longer and longer,
Never bothering to end.

"Time is the enemy of us all", they say,
And it couldn't hold more true
Than this moment right now.

Every second lasts a decade,
And every moment, an eternity.

I want my life to change,
So maybe I'll just end it.

This festering wound,
Eating away my insides.
My time is wearing thin.

The harmony of pain,
Suffering and disease,
Creates such an eerie melody.

No need to eat,
No need to breathe.
I'll soon be dead, anyways.

Lost all strength,
I have no will to live.
Death seems to be my only escape.

For a while now,
I've been thinking
Of what is to come.

I haven't been scared.

I can now say that
I accept my death,
That I will die.

But is that a good thing?

I have sacrificed
In order to live,
In order to die.

Should I be afraid?

For a while now, I've known.
My body growing sicker
With each passing day.

My mind dying with it.

I have already faced
The problems of age,
Even when I already know

That they've just begun.

My final question;
When I take my last breath,
When I am thrown into the ground,

Will you still remember me?

Simple words,
Simple pictures,

To show how simple our minds can be.

Dying books,
Dying children,

Show how our society is already dead.

A fear of others,
A fear of the unknown,

Innocent people fearing for their lives.

Pride month,
A proud declaration of love,

Are they still proud when they could be killed at any time?

Working for a degree,
Working for equality,

Men don't have to work as much as a woman does.

I'm tired, I really am.
I'm sick of hate and ignorance.

And is this what we've become?

I want my words to linger on,
At least for a little while longer.

I want some past reflection of myself
When no one can hear these silent screams.

I have evolved, yes,
But perhaps not in a good way.

So when I am gone, I ask you,
What will you think of me?

Will I become a ghost,
Lost forever in your memories?

Or will you still call me a coward,
To bring the end upon myself?

But the only thing I can do now
Is think of what I have to say.

To choose what to leave behind,
As I eventually fade from sight.

My fate is already decided,
But I have one choice left;

To either become the monster
Or the coward...

Where did my father go?

Who was kind and compassionate,
Who made his child feel loved?

Who is this standing in front of me,
Berating me over the smallest of things?

Where did you go, dad?

Who can save me from my tears,
Now that you are gone?

Why are you like this,
Screaming at your child while she cries?

When did you fade away entirely?

And, why, please tell me why,
Do I wish you'd be gone for good?

Anything seems better than this,
Because I know I've lost you already.

I wish I could go back in time,
When I didn't need all this.

I wish I live without my phone,
Addicted to the empty feeling,

Giving me love in the form of "likes"
Where my family couldn't.

I wish I could live without
All these things I never needed

But now so desperately
Desire.

I wish I didn't meet you,
Because I wouldn't be empty.

I wouldn't know what it's like to live
Without you, after losing you so many times.

I wish I didn't have to cry out,
Writing my heartbreak feverishly.

So mad, so tearfully mad,
Ripping my mind apart.

My heart torn into pieces,
Like the verses of our story.