Where wishes are made
To be more popular, more pretty,
All manner of desirable things.

A tradition
Created by adolescents,
In a need to fulfill their dreams.

Quick to believe open lies,
Always eager to believe
Your empty, fragile promises.

1:11, this vision fades,
A mere 2 hours
Is all it takes.

One begins to realize
The emptiness of dreams
In the presence of the nightmare.

The nightmare,
Which is always there,
Residing in the darkness at the back of the mind.

This was me, long ago.
Now I reside in a deeper, darker time,
In the world of 2:22.

I live in a world unlike any other,
Where ghouls and ghosts
Constantly live.

And traumatize these nights.

Halfway through the book already,
Fallen deeper into the rabbit-hole.

All the beauty fades away,
An empty husk of what it once was.

I let the words swallow me,
Engulfing me into the darkest depths of despair.

No name, no date,
My life forever an unknown.

It's cold down here,
Dark and silent.

I froze to death,
As I saw your cold heart.

You forgot,
Again.
I know.

I just wish-
Just once-
You wouldn't.

I no longer
Want to be left behind
To eat your dust.

It's not your fault,
I guess.
It's probably mine.

I build things up
In my head,
An unshakable vision.

I create what I want.
Not what
Everybody else sees.

With hands as cold as ice,
She drifts in and out
From the shadows of existence.

Her life created
By another's misery,
She already seems dead.

Turned to dust,
She is but a hollow shell,
Alone and scared.

And every day,
You try to fix her,
To put the pieces back together.

But she just gets worse,
Until all you can do
Is watch her fall apart.

Shivering in the cold,
Rocking back and forth.
Knowing you won't come.

I've gotten used to this;
The darkness in my vision,
The sounds in my head.

The sleepless nights
And existential crises
Are now my friends.

This manic destruction
Is the only comfort
I could ever have.

Really, I get it.
Nobody wants to be here,
Not even you.

And that's okay.
I'll always have myself.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

It seems I've been thinking that a lot more, nowadays.

It's feels like the darkness, whatever it is, has taken over,
And I can't even be bothered to breathe.

To fight through the pain anymore.

I don't know if I do have depression,
I've self-diagnosed far too many times.

I could be normal.

I hope so.

I want this to just be a phase,
Never anything more than a blip.

Who knows?

I can't write,
Not at all.
All I can do is read.

But isn't that what we all do?

We don't write stories,
But instead
Read the words,

In the form of our people.

That mad feeling,
Writing all that we read,
For fear of being the only ones who see.

To see if others know what we see.

But the question is,
Do you see this?
What I see, what I read?

Or am I just going crazy...?

Being the only one
Who is trapped
In this mind full of storms.

I love how some people
Can articulate their thoughts so clearly.

They can say so little
And amount to so much.

I know I should stop
Comparing myself to them.

They have meaning.

My mind's a mess.

Is that horrible silence
The only part of you that I can remember?

I tried, but...
I don't think it's for the best.

Staying with you-
All I ever wanted.

You gave me everything.
But it was all a lie.

I told you I loved you.
You never did the same.

Every day, every night.
I thought about you.

That we loved each other,
That we could be together.

I truly believed.
For a few, short moments.

Did I do something wrong,
Other than being born?
Why isn't anyone here to celebrate?

Another birthday.
Another time where
I blow out the sad little candles.

No cake,
No presents,
No people.

I'm just left alone, sitting in the dark.

12 years,
13, 14, 15, 16,
All the way until 21.

I've come to expect very little from people.

I'm left waiting,
Sitting alone in the dark.
Craving the smallest human interaction.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

I see a girl,
Fragile and scared.

She wears long sleeves
To cover up her long history
Of scars.

She already seems broken,
Irreparable.

She want to hide it.
To show she's strong,
Even when she isn't.

She puts on makeup,
Must have cost a fortune.

She likes it.
She "doesn't care" when
She wears all black.

And no-one comes near enough
To see the cracks along her face.

I pour my heart and soul out,
Into you

My one and only guiding light,
My hopes and dreams residing.

Here, I suppose,
I am no longer bound.

Or at least, it was a fantasy,
One which I'd hoped you'd fulfill.

I needed you, then.

I poured my heart and soul out,
Hoping you'd accept

All the little flaws I kept hidden,
The scars that would never heal.

But you weren't capable.

Who could love the parts of me
That I can't even begin to accept?

So, I suppose...

You were just another one
Of those countless knives

That cut me down to my core.

That killed the fragile, dying ember inside of me.

Why do I want you
To see these cuts on my wrists,

Even though you pushed me to this point?

Why do I want you
To know what I've done,

Even though you never understand it?

Why do I want you
To explain why you hate me,

Even though you never change?

Because, actually,
I want hide away from you.

I never want to see your face,
Not after how you broke my family.

Not after you killed all the love,
And just let the word "family" fade away.

Nothing can satisfy my hunger
For human suffering;
Not even me.

So once again,
I break myself down,
Hoping to feel

Something,
Anything,
To remind me of my humanity.

Or lack thereof.

On the mend,
I am growing.
Healing, little by little.

Then - a sudden break.
Once again, I am covered in blood,
But this time it's not mine.

It's yours, my darling.

Oh, what have I done?

She was glass,
And he was stone.

He destroyed her with a touch.

Shattered into
A million pieces,

Like the stars seen in the sky.

He tried to put her
Back together,

But he made the damage worse.

Now he's left
Wondering why

He's the one left with the scars.

The truth is,
I regret every decision I make.

I worry over nothing
And everything.

My mind is overflowing
Constant fear and paranoia

I want to be included,
But I don't want

I don't want.

I don't


I don't want to be a burden.
I don't want to be annoying.

I don't want to be weird,
Or cringy
Or awkward.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to die.

My mother, in the corner.
Crying.

No longer complaining,
But wondering why.

The stark contrast
Of black and blue.

Constantly waiting for the chorus,
The encore, the silence.

Words mix together;
I cannot see.

Madness encircling me,
I am left blind as the tempo builds up.

Noises form a symphony,
A bitter cacophony of pain.

Where there is silence,
There is noise.

Shattering me to my core,
Rattling in my bones.

Until, once again,
I become silent.

A long journey home,
Trapped in the backseat.
A padded room.

I open my eyes.
And for a moment,
Everything is in blue.

The world shakes,
Distorts. Reality is thrown
Into various shades.

And suddenly,
You're splashing your face.
Wondering if what you saw was truly real.

I try to escape this realm,
Throw my heart into another.
But I never see it again.

I am forever trapped in this mind.

Someone once asked me
If I was afraid of the dark.
No, I replied.

The dark is not my enemy.
She is my friend,
And has always been there.

The light is fleeting,
Leaving one blinded
In its wake.

But the dark remains,
Slowly creeping,
Embracing the mind.

Regardless of past.
Of horrible thoughts,
And heavy emotions.

She comforts me
In solitude,
And has never left me since.

I keep on saying "light",
Even though I feel
So dark inside.

Feverishly writing,
Thinking,
To stop them becoming actions.

I don't know why I'm like this.

They say that
A human being
Is both dark and light.

Why we always feel conflict.
I don't understand, though,
Because all I see is the dark.

Humans and demons,
Fighting for life.

That is all we are.

No angels here,
No good act truly pure.

We are all evil, in our own way.

A refusal to trust, a refusal to love,
All our impurities shown at the end.

For death, yes, she is the only pure one here.

Cleaning up humanity's messes,
Ending grieving souls' suffering.

The last hope for the cruel people that we are.

Perhaps she is not innocent, nor is she fair,
But who, if anyone, could do better?

I am not
A happy person,
Not even close.

Seems to be a fitting name.

You only saw
The surface.

Where "darkness"
Was fun.

But you didn't see the real depths of my soul.

Would
It
Scare
You?

The things I see,
The visions at night
Are all too real to me.

The slashes on my arms,
The blood on my skin,
They are there too.

And even now, it still hurts.

Because I am still
"That goth kid",
Only much older.

I have loved you.

I have died for you,
Time and time again.

So much death,
All to satisfy your appetite.

With every death I become weaker,
Each new life further tinged with regret.

I remember the last one,
When I was so much wiser than I am now.

Because, truly,
I'm just a child,

Who knows nothing of what's to come,
Of nothing that it will grow to be.

No idea of the demons,
No idea of you.

Every time I step away,
I start a new life, away from you.

As I grow older, I become younger,
More naive and closed to the world.

You never knew me at my best,
But you have seen me at my worst.

I painted a canvas,
In words, dark and grey.

Overlapping, in many shades,
They covered the whole thing.

I never once thought that the painting
Was dark and dreary, like all others.

For the words were great,
Beautifully written.

So happy in their meaning,
Even though the execution was bad.

Over time,
The words grew.

I watered them with my tears,
And fed them my smiles.

And when I looked,
I saw...

The painting was my portrait,
Down into the depths of my mind.

Bound over a long distance,
The conversation dwindles down,
Until the idle chatter of the text
No longer makes much sense,
Neither one wanting to leave,
Neither saying goodbye.

Only, in this moment,
Could each person know the other,
Their deepest secrets and denied emotion.

Don't say you love me,
I could never forgive you if you did.

You deserve a better life
Than the one I could give you.

I'm not someone you want to love,
Because I am SO far from perfect.

And you are.

So don't love me.
Don't even try.

I could never forgive myself
If I ruined you, too.

My life closed shut,
Never to be open again.

I faded away,
Grateful.

That I had chosen clarity of mind
Over clarity of vision.

Even if they both intertwine.

I freed myself,
And can soar high above.

And far away.

In the grand scheme of things,
It doesn't really matter.

Whether I get into college,
Or get a job,
Or become really rich.

Even if I am poor,
And a failure,
And end up homeless.

It's all the same.

Either way, I will be a speck,
A little piece
In an ever-changing universe.

Whatever I do,
It won't matter.
I will still die.

But all we seem to do
Is **** ourselves.

We work our lives away,
Just to gain
That one momentary pleasure.

So yeah, I don't want to work for a living.
Or get married,
Or have kids.

It doesn't matter, after all.

Of course, I might care,
At least for a little bit,
If I could live.

To choose a path
Whose reward
Is a longer life.

But only for a little.
Because it must be hell
To live forever.

To constantly watch everyone else die,
Or live forever with everyone you hate.
Take your pick, it's all the same.

Life itself is hell,
Death is hell,
And anything in between is meaningless.

It truly is.

What I'm trying to say, is...
We all want to die,
But we all want to live.

For once, I am silent.
I have lost the words
To describe how I feel.

Maybe that's because
Once, just once,
I feel something other than pain.

With you by my side,
Listening to my lies,
I begin to think...

Maybe I could tell you the truth,
To see how you'd feel
About the perfect girl who's no longer perfect.

I want to cry in your arms,
To hear you say
"It's going to be okay."

That I'll get over
The endless cycle.
Constant death, never-ending.

Until I remembered,
I had lost you, too.
You weren't mine.

I tried to reach out
To touch you.
See you one last time.

But you just faded away, like a memory in a photograph.

I suppose it turned out for the best.

After all that I've done,
It seems fitting that I'd wind up here.

It's a good thing I was never enough.

I failed you, my darling,
And I failed myself 100 times over.

I never made it, not by a mile.

I always wanted to do more with my life,
Beyond the average, what was expected.

But I even failed at that.

So now, I plan around failure,
My world never focusing on success.

I haven't learned anything, beyond that of lying.

I am so good at it, I can deceive my own heart,
Believing that my failure is okay.

Even though I know it's not.

I don't exist.

I shouldn't have done that.

Things didn't go to plan.

And I keep thinking of you.

Explosive rage,
Uncontrollable anger.

Directed at you,
Or just myself?

I hate you,
Always putting me down.

I hate myself,
Constantly craving your approval.

Your love,
Which I seldom receive.

I hate the part of me
That begs for forgiveness,

The part of me
That will always just be human.

Nothing more,
Nothing more.

Tears run down my face.
I cry, hidden in my room.

Am I just being
Melodramatic?

You scream at me,
I am never good enough.

I already know.
Can't you see that?

The bitter moment of silence,
Long enough to last a lifetime.

For days, I refuse to speak.
Until I learn to love the human part of me.

Once again.

I can't even tell if I'm human anymore.

I met a raven today,
In brief passing
Of artistic elements.

He saw the chaos in my life,
And I saw the chaos in his.

This moment
Made beautiful by time,
In the museums of the moon.

It was only by loving you that I could love myself.

I never meant to hurt you.

You wear that mask so well
I can't tell if I did.

I choose to think you're oblivious.

After all, you don't know
You don't know anything at all.

I love you.

I wish I didn't

I'm moving away soon so why
Why even try

We'd have a month at best

It's unfair

I don't want to love you

You don't love me.

I know you don't.

I see it in your eyes.

I just want to kiss you,
One last time.

I want to see you smile again.

Once again going under,
Visiting that cold, dark palace
Where dreams seemingly come true.

Each time I visit
I become weaker,
But am still unable to leave.

That is, until
I cannot handle the pain
And my body fights it.

A continuous struggle,
A never-ending cycle.

Even so, this is far better
Than what awaits me
On the other side.

Because there is commotion,
And pain, and sharp clarity.

And I do not want to bring
This awful life
Into any deeper focus.

And before she knew it,
Her family was broken.

Her father, tired from working,
Dark shadows draining his face.

Sticking with her mother,
Only because he loved her.

Although the girl was beginning to doubt
That what they called love wasn't love at all,

But a means to an end,
A way to maintain a broken family.

The mother, always weary,
Desperately clinging to hope.

The hope that, for long enough,
She has known to be false.

They both at their daughter,
The old scars still there.

They realize their dreams through her,
Seeing a broken illusion of success.

They stare at her with those pleading eyes,
Refusing to see that she is beginning to crack.

A loss,
We knew
For a long time.

Two cynics,
Sitting at the table.
And another, religious.

A long time coming,
We knew,
Yet the other prays to god.

She cries at her loss,
Refusing to believe it.
All her hope, abandoned.

The other two sit at the table,
Laughing while everything
Is taken away.

The woman's demons overpower her,
And her god is no longer here to help.
She is swallowed by darkness.

The demons return to the table,
Wipe off the blood,
And resume their manic laughter.

Peace can be found in anger,
But only for a fleeting moment,
Before it is consumed by guilt.

We then become dependent on it,
The pain we feel,
Regardless of whether it was deserved.

The human moral compass,
Always such a hypocrite,
Twisting the mind so it always blames itself.

The burning of possessions,
Old and cherished,
Only reinforces the fact that we are alone.

But should we be forced to suffer
At the hands of the ignorant,
The jealous, the thieves?

But I still share the blame.
Not because of my actions,
But lack thereof.

Should I still be condemmed
For my refusal to act
Against everything that tears my life apart?

Regardless,
I still have these bruises,
And they were caused by you.

Even now,
I don't know who I am.
Who I want to be.

I am afraid to look at myself
In the mirror,
And find a monster staring back.

I always seem to find that shadow,
Even on the most calm,
Sunny days.

I end up crying alone,
In the dark,
Hoping for sleep to come.

Although it never does.

I want to be good enough
To not need to pretend
That I can find "the one".

Because they don't exist.
And I know that.
But I still cling to that hope.

One of these days,
I hope I can learn
To love myself.

Even now, one needs to go through hell
For even the slightest social interaction.

Guess that's why it's called "hello".

But it's just some spell,
I'm sure of it.

It's not like I face this every day.

No, indeed,
I am DEFINITELY

Not falling to pieces as we speak.

"I'm fine."

Because, seeing your face...
I remember all the god times,

Not wonder what I did wrong,
What we did wrong.

I swear to you,
I HONESTLY couldn't care less.

You don't love Me,
You never did.

"I don't love you," either.

Why should I?

Why should I cry over You,
Every Night and Every Day?

Why can't I just learn to be...

I loved you.
I really did.

I loved the way your smile
Would light up your eyes.

The way your jokes
Would always make me laugh.

I wanted to be yours,
And you, mine.

But eventually,
I moved on.

I kept telling myself
That it was a stupid, silly crush.

A summer of regrets,
Constantly relived memories.

Eventually,  I learned to be
The third wheel.

To be friendly when talked to,
Quiet and unnoticeable the rest of the time.

Soon, I will fade away entirely.
My mind is already halfway there.

I don't know why I felt anything for you,
Because I knew it couldn't work out from the start.

So, whoever that special someone is,
I hope she isn't as stupid as I am.

I want to be real.

I want my words to feel real to someone.

I want to grasp at a little permanence,
In this small, unforgiving,
Impermanent little life.

I want my future self to be able to look back,
Intelligent and successful.

I want to be happy now, even.

If I can.

I feel I have lost my voice.

As much as I want to deny it,
That emptiness still remains,
Both heart and mind broken,

Into a million tiny pieces.

I've been empty for quite some time,
As if my lungs refuse to breathe,
And my voice refuses to speak.

Is this goodbye?

I've had my fill of heartache and loss,
Of broken dreams and lost souls,
And plenty of useless days.

I'm sorry, in advance.

I don't think I'll ever be able to say
What anyone wants to hear.
That I'll keep trying to live.

In my hands,
I hold a long chain of silver,
Folded over itself a million times.

It shines in the light,
Like the millions of stars
Shining in a clear night sky.

The chain is long and hardy,
Not once bending or breaking
As the other pieces move.

Only us three remain,
Each trying to guide one to the other,
Until, finally, it snaps.

So, I take another piece,
This time in gold,
And try again.

I want to sleep.

But I don't know if I remember how.

But I guess I have to come to terms with it.

It doesn't have to be so bad.

I don't always have to be waiting for someone to save me.

So let's celebrate my achievements,
We'll surely be depressed.

I'm not like my friends,
I can't be as pretty and peppy as them.

I'm not like my mother;
She can make love last a lifetime.

I can't be my father,
Loyal and loving and providing.

I'm not who you thought I was,
Not in a million years.

I'm the one who's thoughts cut deep,
Even deeper than the knife I wield.

I seem to get lost in my head,
Anxiety and panic attacks every time I think.

I'm the one you should be afraid of,
Don't try to come close and comfort me.

My thoughts won't remain hidden,
My mask won't fit any more.

So if you come close,
You'll see me.

And you'll never be able to forget.