Giving you my heart was the dumbest move I've made.

I'm 18 years old. All these 18 years, I've been alone, living in nearly complete silence. I always enjoyed being lonely and silent.
But since my near-death, this has changed. Now I hate being lonely, it eats away at me, it breaks me down. I used to live by silence, now the silence is slowly killing. The silence screams at me, telling me things I don't like. "You're nothing.", "You're no good to anyone.", "People don't want you around.". The silence burnt these words into my mind, I get reminded of them every day. I try so hard to just have at least 1 friend in my life, but now, I'm convinced even that is too much to ask...

Skinny, ******* and large butts...that seems to be what some guys call "beauty", but if they'd only take a moment to look at a girl's eyes and use them as a window to her soul, they might realize that people can be way different on the inside. Use those eyes to look at her soul and when she still seems great, then you can say "She's beautiful"

"I'm here for you", that's what you said.
"I always help you", that's what you said.
"I appreciate your help", that's what you said.
"I don't love you back", that's what you said.
"You're a selfish *******", that's what you meant.

Every second of every day I was there for you. I did my best to make you feel better. I did what every best friend would do, but you got mad at me, we fought and now...we're no more than just friends...

It's scary how words can leave a more devastating result than any given weapon.

Is it too much to ask for respect towards eachother?
Is it too much to accept eachother for who he or she is?
Is it too much to ask to stop all the namecalling and to stop making fun of people about their looks?
Is it too much to just treat eachother in a normal way?
I'm not the best-looking, cutest, funniest, most interesting guy, I found that out a long time ago.
And just when I reach the point of loving myself just a little bit, someone comes and knocks the foundation from right under me.
Is it really too much to help eachother build a foundation, instead of breaking it down?

When I'm with you, I become a completely different person.
When I'm with you, I turn from this lonely piece of crap into Superman.
When I'm with you, I feel like I can move mountains. I feel like I'm on top of the world, instead of in the deepest depths.

You are my addiction, my drug. You make me feel free and good about myself and you clear my mind of all those negative thoughts.

I don't know how you do it, but when I'm with you, I become the person I've always wanted to be...

Years have gone by. Years in which I've sometimes felt lonely and scared.
Years in which dark clouds sometimes gathered over my happiness.
Years in which the feeling of despair to find a girlfriend became stronger and stronger.
I know I'm only 18, I know I shouldn't worry about love.
That's why I've learnt this one very wise lesson: Looking for love is a hopeless quest and will only take you further away from love. You should let love find its way towards you and bury itself into your heart.

I might be someone's secret love, I might just be no one's love at all, but for now, I'm just a friendless, loveless young man.

I really really really really really really really like you, and I want you, do you want me, do you want me too?

If only you could be there...
If only you could be there when I crash after a long ride of happiness.
If only you could be there when I fall out of the sky after a flight of joy.
If only you could be there when I crumble under the weight of my own problems.
If only you could be there when all the walls close in on me and for a tiny box around me.

If only you could be there to be the pillow that reduces the crash impact.
If only you could be there to be the tree that breaks my fall.
If only you could be there to form a safety structure to stop me from completely crumble apart.
If only you could be there to break the walls before they close in on me.
If only you could be there..

Pretty girls, I see them walking all around.
I see them walking and I think to myself: I should start a conversation with her, maybe we could get to know each other, but me being the insecure loser I am, keeps walking and walking past them and with every girl I pass, the regret builds up.

Why is it so hard for me to just say hello...?

I know I'm ugly and uninteresting, but saying hello can't harm anyone...

I just want to be able to say hello to girls that seem nice, and I want them to be friendly to me as well, but maybe I just don't deserve to meet girls...

"There's a silent storm inside me, looking for a home. I hope that someone's gonna find me, and say that I'll belong. I'll wait forever and a lifetime, to find I'm not alone and there's a silent storm inside me...and someday I'll be calm."

For those of you who don't know it, it's the chorus to Silent Storm by Carl Espen. I really love this song because every word could be said by me. It's just so similar to how I feel...

When I first heard the song I thought: the melody went through my mind and formed the lyrics out of my thoughts.

A new school, a new beginning. A new chance to meet new people and a new chance for people to see who you really are. A way to prove yourself, a way to feel better, a way to realise that you do get accepted for who you are. You're not a failure, you just haven't been around people that much the past few months. The first week of college, and you've already made new friends, new people you can spend the year with. A new start, a new beginning.

Respect, a big thing, yet it's so hard to get.

I see her everyday,
I talk to her everyday.

I see her everyday, yet she feels like a complete stranger. She's always smiling, yet I sense the sadness in her smile.
She always says she's okay, but I hear the sadness in her voice. Her eyes, the gateway to her soul.
Her soul, filled with little creatures ******* away her happiness.
She's had these bugs for years, yet I haven't noticed them at all.
I have known her for many years, yet I don't know her at all.

Everytime...
Every ******* time...
Everytime I look at myself, I don't see a young boy, I see a bag of sadness and misery, tied together by depression and ugliness.

All around me, I see people who look at themselves without making disgusted faces, or people who have others to tell nice things about them to make them smile...

Not me...
I'm all alone, I have to carry this baggage by myself...all by myself.

Summer should be the season in which people are happy, but for me, it's winter all year every year

Words, either the most beautiful things or the deadliest weapon.
Words, they can lift someone up when they're down or bring someone down when they're up.
Words, they can mend a broken heart or break a complete heart.
Words, capable of both healing and hurting, loving and hating.
Words, they can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

Down by the riverside, on a log right next to the water, I sit.
I stare at a point across the river, letting the sunlight reflect into my eyes. The ripples travel across the river. I see myself in the river.
I think back to the good times we had. We laughed, we smiled, we enjoyed the moments. I gave you my heart, and you gave me yours.
I gave you my heart, held together with tape, hoping that you would treat it with care...
I hoped, but it didn't happen.
You broke my heart, crushed it like a bug.
My heart has now shattered into millions of tiny splinters, and it will be virtually impossible to tape it back together.
All because you decided to squeeze in my heart a little too hard...

I'm lonely, yet not alone.
I'm cold on a hot day.
I'm dark in the brightest of lights.
I'm bad to everyone's good.
I'm a waste of everyone's space and air.
I'm hideous in this superficial world.
I have no purpose in this society where everyone has purpose.
I have absolutely no talent in this talented community...

I guess the only 'positive' thing I can say about me is "I am"

"Snap out of it"
That's the advice I get. Nothing more, nothing less, just that.

How, in the god forsaken world this is, can that be helpful advice?

Having negative thoughts has a serious effect on your life, and if it really was that easy to just "snap out of it", then why the **** are there still so many people with negative thoughts?

"Snap out of it"...people want me dead, but hearing that sentence hurts more...

Once again...once again I have this feeling of being a nobody...
Once again... once again I'm just a slice of thin air, a waste of space...
Once again...once again I feel useless, worthless and meaningless...
I just want to be loved, is that so hard?!
I just wanted to be loved and taken for who I am, once again....

I need you, but I can't seem to find you...

What you see is not always what you get. People might look nice and good on the outside, but they can be the worst on the inside. They might act happy and outgoing, but maybe the monster that lurks in the dark depts of their soul is eating away at them, soon leaving nothing more than that what once was a wonderful person.

Ever since I very nearly died, I believed in you.
I believed there was someone that gave me a second chance in life.
I went to church and read the Bible to find religion.
I always thought you were a warm, kindhearted person who shaped this Earth for the good of mankind, but it turns out you're just an evil mastermind who enjoys playing sick, cruel games with people.
I've prayed for you to take me under your wing, but now I pray for you to get the **** away.

God, even though you live in people's hearts and you're immortal, you're dead to me.

Here I am, laying in my bed at 3am in the morning.
My mind went to sleep hours ago, but my eyes are wide open.
My mind went to sleep hours ago, yet thoughts race through my mind like formula 1 cars. Thoughts race through my mind, and they keep me wide awake.
All I want is you here in my arms and I need you to make the thoughts go away, so we can fall asleep together, holding eachother.

I'm Davy, an 18-year-old boy from a small town in the Netherlands. My hobbies are drawing and writing poetry. You mighy not see it, but when you take Route 66 through my eyes into my soul, you'll see a distorted world, full of chaos. I tell people I am what I am and they just have to accept it, but deep down, I know that I'm a nobody, a waste of space, just another leaf on the tree, just another drop of rain, nothing more than a piece of thin air, hoping that someone will make me feel special and loved again...

How could you do this to me, your best friend?
How could you play me like this?
A few months ago, I told you I was in love with you. You told me that you weren't in love with me, but that it could come. I have held hope from that day forward, thinking about you finally telling me you love me too!
But then...
But then you flew into the arms of some other guy, telling me you're deeply in love with him...
I have held hope, but now, all of that is now crushed, and it just shows once again what people are capable of....

Your words...
Your words, sneaky as a slithering snake, pierced through my heart without notice.
Your words scar me more than any blade could do.
Your words make me bleed more than any of my cuts.
Your words, spoken so innocently, yet so cruel, killed me.
They tore out my soul and ripped it to pieces, like a plain piece of paper.
Your words, the sharpest, most painful weapons imagineable.....

Dreams, they can be about anything. About our biggest fears, or our deepest desires.
Sometimes you dream about a girl so beautiful that she can't possibly exist outside the dream world.
Sometimes you dream about dying or about anything else.
Dreams, they last hours, you feel they only last a few minutes and most of the time you don't remember them.
Dreams, for that moment of surreality they can make you feel great, but then, when you wake up, you realise it's no longer a dream, I woke up in a nightmare.

When I walk outside, I see all these happy couples around me.
Young, old, same ***, it doesn't matter, they're happy couples.
Just that sight drills me even deeper into the ground.
All I think is: What do I do wrong? Is it because I'm ugly? Is it because I'm lame, weird, stupid, boring, uninteresting?
I just want someone to love and who loves me for who I am.
I wanna walk outside, being one of those happy couples...

I'm just laying here in this lonely bed, looking through my notifications, and tears pop up in the corners of my eyes.
For once, they aren't tears of sadness...

Seeing all those positive notifications, people liking my writings, people giving sweet comments, it just starts to mend my crushed heart a little.
For once in a long, long time, I have a feeling that people actually like what I say, do or write.

I know all of this sounded pathetic, but I just wanna say, to everyone, thank you, from the bottom part of my broken heart...

My body gets filled with anger running from a faucet. My anger just keeps building up, and the core temperature is rising and rising. The pressure is increasing and increasing. I'm slowly but certainly reaching my boiling point: the point on which I explode and let out all the anger, and since I'm on my own, I'll have to take it all out on myself. I'll hurt myself....Stopping that from happening is as simple as pulling the plug and letting the water drain away, but unfortunately, I've lost the drain.....

The wind blows through the open window, the curtains rustle. The candles on the drawers leave a flickering shadow on the wall.
On the bed is the reason for the shadow: two people, a man and a woman, sit there, covered by nothing more than a sheet. They hold hands. Their eyes meet. Their heads get closer to each other. Their lips meet and passion erupts. They passionately kiss, running their hands over each other's naked bodies. She brings out a soft moan as his hand goes between her legs. She strokes his manhood and together they bring out soft moans. She whispers in his ear: "make love to me". He lies her down on her back. He spreads her legs and makes love to her. He makes love to her like never before. He makes her feel like a woman again. She moans and pants, sliding her hands over his sweaty chest.
Then, after hours of love making, disaster strikes...

The moonlight reflects on the motionless puddle of water in front of me. The lights leaves an undefined shadow figure on the brick wall next to me. The figure is shapeless, just a lump. A pointy, rocky lump. Like a **** of clay, waiting to be molded into a proper shape or figure, I too wait for someone to take me for the shapeless **** of clay I am and mold me into the thing I want to be: human.

Soaring high in the sky, slowly crumbling down into flakes, falling down like snow.
I hit the ground, people walk over me, cars drive over me, dogs **** on me...
I stay for a few days, and then I evaporate, lost into the dark voids of the earth.
Snow just keeps getting reproduced, but me, Davy, I'm one of a kind, I'm unique in my own way, would be lost, lost forever...

18 years ago, I stood at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. I got on, but without any set destination.
I just rode and rode, taking whichever route the bus took.
Now, 18 years later, I still ride, still follow the route.
Unfortunately I notice that people leave the bus while it is in motion, because it doesn't take them where they want to go, and I've experienced a few stand-stills, but I remain on the bus.
I keep riding the bus, hoping that it will take me along the right route, out of this *******, into better times.

Here I am, trapped in an invisible cage, having stones of hate and anger thrown at me. It's been a year since the cage closed itself around me, and with every day that goes by, the cage gets smaller and this feeling becomes more suffocating.
But the urge to get out of this is getting bigger and bigger. I'm finally starting to return pressure.
Now it's only a matter of time before I break out of this cage and finally become that free boy that's been locked away all this time.

Good looks and perfection seem to be the standards in this distorted place we call Earth.

Well, news flash: no one's perfect, we all have our flaws!

To me, the people that are perfect are those people that stay true to themselves! No good looks (looks fade), but the ability to stay loyal and true to yourself, and most important,the ability to listen to your own heart without people whispering things for it.

You and me...a very special combination.
We're the pinball inside the machine, we bump into everything and we are just as unpredictable.
The first moment we can start the day friendly, the next we bash each other's skulls.

You and me...a duo made in heaven, or a duo raised from hell?

He's walking down the street.
He's walking like he's totally fine, but if you'd look better, you'd see the pain and suffering that linger within him.
He's walking down the street, enduring the same thing as always, people walking past him, either ignoring him, following him with their eyes or make comments: "Look at him haha", "Look at that fatso", "Hey fatty", "Look at how ugly he is".
Those are just some of the things he has to hear, usually followed up by people laughing at him for his looks.
If only someone would make me see or realise that I'm good just the way I look and am, then maybe, just maybe I'd enjoy being outside...

Jealousy, a bad feeling to have.
I've been taught that jealousy is bad and useless.
Jealousy isn't gonna give you what the other has.
I've stayed true to that my whole life...
But as I stare out the window, into the street, and I see all those happy people, those happy couples, people hanging with their friend groups, I feel this sensation inside me slowly growing and growing.
Jealousy, best to avoid it, cause it can break ya.

The sparkle in your eyes burns like a recently lit candle.

The subtle hint of mystery in your face is so small yet so defining, almost like a cricket, barely visible yet so appearent.

There this look in your eyes that pierces right through my soul like a hot knife through butter.

Your beauty struck me like a well shot bullet, and I didn't dive away, instead I took the hit and let it take the best of me.

True love, one of the most valuable things in life, maybe the most valuable, yet so hard to find.

True love, a gift from God, only handed out to a certain group of people.

True love, such a beautiful thing to have, yet a killer if you don't have it.

Regular love isn't something I deserve, so I'm sure true love is definitely way out of my league.

All I want is for someone to say to me "I like you", and actually mean it, cause then I have something to fall back to if I have a depressed moment

I...I wanna throw in the towel...I wanna forfeit the match...
I'm just done trying...I just don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve anything. You keep telling me it's gonna be okay, telling me I'll find someone, telling me my life will be better, but as the days go bye, my hope fades away everyday...it just goes ****...
I'm sorry to say this, but I guess this is goodbye...

Why do you talk to me?
Why do you spend your time typing words to me?
Why do you wanna talk with me, Davy, the friendly neighborhood loser...?

All I do is hurt you, yet you keep talking to me...
All I do is **** you off, yet you keep talking to me...
All I do is upset you, yet you keep talking to me...

You keep talking to me, despite your hatred towards me...
You keep talking to me, but actually you want me dead...
You keep talking to me, because no matter how much I do wrong, I'm the only thing inside your head

There's so much I wanna say to you, so many words that need to be spoken, but my mouth just can't produce those words. Whenever I try to talk to you, I become this newborn child that hasn't learnt how to speak yet. It's like fear is holding my mouth shut.
There's so much that has to be said, so I'm letting my pencil do the talking. My pencil isn't afraid to say the words. Its lips aren't held together by fear.
There's so many words that need to be spoken. If not by mouth, then by pencil.

Looking into the mirror, I see this 'ideal image' of myself.
I see a happy young boy without a tear-stained face, enjoying life without any worries.
Unfortunately, the real me is the complete opposite....

Looking into the mirror, I wanna grab ahold of the 'ideal me', pulling him out of it, and place myself in it, so that I can finally live life without any worries.

I'm ready...
Ready to give up...
Ready to leave this cruel world...
Ready to leave this cold and very lonely place...
Ready to say goodbye to whatever I have...
I doubt anyone would miss me...
I doubt anyone cares about me...
I doubt people like me...
I know I don't have much to offer, but please, just please look past my exterior shell and see what kind of person I am inside......

This was a night like no other.
I layed in bed wide awake, but incredibly exhausted.
Something inside my brain kept poking it, keeping me up all night.
Drops of sweat, sweat from the warmth, sweat from insecurity rolled down my face, mixed with the salty waterfalls coming from my eyes.
All I could think about was death, death and death.
What it would be like if I was dead, how people would react if they found out Davy was no more...

I already had the blade against my wrist, ready to end it all, but right when I was ready to cut...I couldn't...
It was as if someone was holding my arm, trying to keep me alive to live another day.

I don't know who or what it was, but it saved my life...

I'm a bubble. A tiny bubble filled with anger, sadness and every negative emotion. As the days go by, I grow bigger and bigger, waiting for the point where I pop... And I will be gone, forgotten, reduced to a few tiny drops of nothing, that soon will evaporate like water on a hot plate. That, what was once a bubble, will soon be a vague memory.