I feel 16 again
Feeling that lack of love that hurts your stomach
But I’m not 16
I know that love leaves you nauseous and cold
Holding hands with a boy who’s morning routine doesn’t involve saying hello
A moment of intimacy was nothing more than comfort for the time being
I’m searching for a soul within myself that is craving a love

I’m still purging
Old strings attached
Frayed and collecting debris
Lint in hair tangles everything around
My solid body is walking on new ground
My blurry edges are left somewhere else

I have a feeling I must leave in order to return
Iv always flowed in and out of reality
My steps have become too heavy to leave

Sometimes beach roads remind me of a journey into another reality.
An entry way into spoken word of death becoming real.
Colorful tile when I was brought to my knees
A baptism in the ocean that I didn’t ask for but needed
Flying moths the Mayan people call “signs from traveling souls”
Sometimes this place reminds me of death
Other times I’m reminded of rebirth

Yesterday I talked to my brother and he was telling me how sometimes nothing feels real.
Not even himself.
He described it as just a feeling and nothing more.
And it passed.
I wonder if he was scarred that it wouldn’t go away.
He talked about the universe as endless as his curiosity.
And the confusion of being alive.
How small we all are
And science as religion.
All I could think was
I am not alone in my thoughts,
My feelings that sometimes nothing is real.

He says “ how does it feel that everyone wants to *******”
A trophy with green eyes?
Could you feel the pain pouring out between my legs ?
Have you ever had *** instead of crying out for help?
Felt eyes on a body you don’t know anymore?
Disappeared under blankets to reemerge as a token?
Hidden in pockets of boys who will never know you.
Pulled out at parties around tables filled with drinks.
Have you ever felt the absence of love ?
That’s what it feels like.

I know you were not the cause but the effect of an unbearable pain.
An untaught lesson
A wild spirit from teenage years
The answer before  the question was even  asked
You are not singular but you are loyal
You give before we can ask what you are going to take in return
Take a life that wasn’t yours to take
Take a love before it even had a chance
Take a innocent heart that isn’t under your wing, but passing by
A black hole
A magic spell with terms and conditions
No one gets the chance to sign an agreement

You have taken my friend
You have taken my first love
You showed me hell through a pair of blank eyes


I can forgive the vessel
I can never forgive you

I think of the earth changing it’s rotation as I step into a new self
Or seasons moving backwards when I change direction
Not to start over, but to start something new
But Iv been sad in the summer and happy in the winter
I keep hearing that time is not linear