I think of the earth changing it’s rotation as I step into a new self
Or seasons moving backwards when I change direction
Not to start over, but to start something new
But Iv been sad in the summer and happy in the winter
I keep hearing that time is not linear

Have you been sleeping okay?
When’s the last time you showered?
Feeling sad before you start your period is normal, you will be okay.
You can’t die from a panic attack.
Drinking that much coffee isn’t good for you.
Have you tried yoga?
What about meditation?
You should try a new medicine.
You seemed fine last time I saw you.

Stumbling is in my nature
The bruised legs of my mother who ran into walls that jumped out at her
She told me green was her favorite color before I knew what it meant to feel growing life
I trip on trails filled with deep green leaves
I once saw her crying as a weakness
Now I know how heavy it is to carry such uninhibited emotion

When I talk about my spirituality and the classes I’ve taken in college, I feel a sense of superiority.
My journal entries and walks around the park.
Flowers blooming that I didn’t plant.
I tell myself I know what it feels like to be alive.
I jumped off a bridge once: 750 feet off a bridge in Africa.
The 17 hour flight back home to you was the most exciting part.
I always say “don’t question the unknown”
“Some things are not supposed to have answers”
I’m always searching for an answer in you.
I’m not scared of life.
I’m not scared of knowledge
I’m not scared of heights.
I’m scared of you.

When your eyes flutter open in the middle of the night
A diluted reality
White noise
A radiated heat next to you
Deep breaths
There will be a moment that’s familiar
Replace the foreign body with a lost love
His hands feel like protection in the dark
Your eyes will soon adjust to dim light
his body  feels the same
But you know it’s not him
Like a homecoming to stale bread

I never had a problem with *******
Easy to turn my mind off
Mid ******
Nothing is real
But please
please don’t put your arms around me before falling asleep
My body isn’t yours to hold
Not now
Please do not kiss me goodbye
I do not want you to think about my lips when you drive away

Remember how much you love African studies
Feel things again. Be mad. Be curious. Be honest. Be thoughtful. Demand more. And be more.