for those of us whose arms bend backwards
I see you behind the mirror
And I know you die
The moment those headphones are in

Why do I desire
To be evil
Why do I seek
The fear of others
Why do I feel
No remorse

god you're so pretty
god you're so pretty
god you are lovely
I want to hold your waist
I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your words
As you speak to me
in the flesh
I want to secure you
in the flesh
With my affection,
infiltrate you

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

I feel like doing something horrible
But I cannot let it out
So I let it harbor
It is a blow
That I can redirect to my gut
Save you lest it collapses me

I think some of us are still hopeless
by the end of it
They went through a rough patch &
got over it
but not all of us can
I think some of us are born
Knowing that our end
would be the result of our own hands

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

The medicine works for *******
I've seen it do worse
To my friends in the ward
If you've found your freedom,
*******

I am loveless
I am unloving
I don’t want to live

you really don't know ****
do you

i don't care if it's fake
i want to feel it
i don't care if it'll last a month
i want to feel it
i don't care it'll hurt
i need to feel it

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

Unworthy of a body
I want to destroy myself

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

somehow, even now
after every dreadful year
you never fail to appall me
with your prevalence
in being completely devoid of empathy

there is nothing
i can do
there is nothing
left for me
i could leave
right now
and not a thing
would change

I think it's you, for now
You are vague
& you're below
stood in the corner
with an open stance
that's where I saw you today
And the day before
how I think you really
looked at me
for the first time
in a way that wasn't conversational
Tell me about that
I want to hear what you have to say

I feel closer to my childhood self
When I am sobbing

we need more poems
about being *****
straight up
¯_(ツ)_/¯

She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me

I've already died

bare minimum
wring me as the towel
that I use to wash
from the oil & the pigment
leave me in the faucet

they told me my painting was ominous
While I was thinking
It was pretty self-explanatory

why can't i just be who ive always been
but reinvent myself
so that i dont face this world alone?
why do i have to make myself
convenient, conventional
in order to be worthy of
understanding

just let me feel for this moment
let me forget for this moment
let me fantasize of something simple

When I leave,
I don’t have to take you with me
twist it again
I can be unforgiving
In spite of your presumptions
of which you have too many
Our time together is limited

oh no,
here it comes again
if it feels like you're the only one i confide in,
it's because you are
it's overbearing: an issue
like i'd let that happen again
oh man
here i go again
i'm alone

scrubbing the tears off from under my chin
this was an accident
but i don't have the heart to change it

near midnight, hello again
I’ll be in no one’s company tonight

Remember those foggy days, Afton?
I was with you when the snow melted

in bed for four hours and i
tell myself i just need to lay down

I'm tired of rotating through
the same conclusions

I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me

I dont want to start over

I've thought of myself as open
Carelessly trusting
Does it matter what I say or what people know?
But I suppose it doesnt count
The things I've never spoken of
Just because it's never come up
In conversation
Because those things dont come up in conversation

Theres one picture I want to paint
However that may be
I need to grasp
This loneliness
I need to see it in front of me

Dont get too close
Or I'll get cocky
Stare in awe
Only when distanced
And self-depricated
From that my pedestal is built
You see me raised
In my only light
When yourself lowers

I feel worse for my apathy
Than I do for you

What I described months ago in my bedroom
A stranger described just the same in 2008
And I listen to him now
and it opens a portal
There is one man who knows the faux of my emptiness
he doesn't know me, but he knows that I'm there

Oh god oh
**** me **** me **** me
Devour me while I rest
Lest I wake up
I'll never worship furthermore
Where I never worshiped
In the first place

I want to be punched
Any volunteers?

here i am again
somehow eternally stuck in this position
scrubbing the guilt off your shoulders
as I pack my bags

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

I want to lose myself
I want to lose myself
I want to lose myself
Momentarily
Completely
I want to be possessed
I want to be consumed

succession in the act
one cannot be afraid
of making theirself a fool
cannot remain of ownself
strip and despoil of worry
my strongest desire to be a fool
shameless in integrity and condemnation
grasp the pure abyss
and be everything other