I feel worse for my apathy
Than I do for you

exiting out of **** sites to google
life advice from morticians

I repeat the ******'s word like he was meant
to live within me
I say it like an anthem
as if death took form and walked through my door
and gave me words to worship
as some personal salvation
it invades my nightly silence:
"I am young enough to repaint and
old enough to sell"
I make it a multitude of myself

saying your name
under my breath
over and again

Nevermind

I'm tired
I'm cold
What did I just take
You haven't replied to my texts in days
All I want is to be better for you
Why can't you just say something to my face

Can't get rid of the smell of smoke
And the wounds at my side won't calm down

How many more times am I going to return to this corner of my room
Asking why I've come back to this pain
The bass of it pounds and cancels all other noise until I
Can no longer fathom overcoming it
When will this pain leave me behind
Will it return to me always

My fifth grade self got down on her knees
In the center of her childhood bedroom
Held a steak knife to her stomach
Juliet-style
Because that was the only way she, (at that time of her life), knew how to do it
Other than jumping off a London Bridge into some clamoring river
But she couldn't figure a way to get to London
And was more afraid of heights than she was of death

a little bit manic
and a little bit dreary
there's not a soul left
for me to turn to
so i spit out poems
on a website with strangers
it won't help, won't fill the void
but it's the best i can do
at least i'm doing it

here i am again
somehow eternally stuck in this position
scrubbing the guilt off your shoulders
as I pack my bags

a day again
and still I'm saying
I need help

its the horror
of seeing them at the age you were
facing the same pain

I am not the same
And nothing new

I think one of these days I might try to rhyme

She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me

I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

my friends i know don’t want me to stay
they can sense i feel the same way
in that i am unfit as a person
i do not want their help
& they do not want to help me
that’s how it’s still working

I feel like doing something horrible
But I cannot let it out
So I let it harbor
It is a blow
That I can redirect to my gut
Save you lest it collapses me

I dont want to start over

Once I'm on my own two feet
It'll start to make sense
I do not want to be provided for
Anymore

love doesn't know time
however death does

I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

A year later, I'm still terrified
In light of everything,
I dont think I'll ever find clarity

I hope she knows
I do it all in fear of her

I want to make lifelong friends
And hold them close to my heart
I am grimly
And often preach my solitude
It is the strength I portray
In hopes of ironically drawing in
The affections of those who need
That sort of reliance

Known to be fond of soft things
I can't feel the mockery
How can they tell me I'm weak
When I have you in my arms

I'm eating ice cream from a bowl
For the first time in a long time
How can I live to die
How have I shaped my life
For the sake of the state of death
I should leave it behind
Let myself listen to electronic music
And not feel guilty
Because it doesn't remind me of mountains

I'm tired of being told
That wanting to be loved
Is childish

How eternal it all seemed

shake away my body
hustle when you tear at it
i don't want to be perceived

I miss your handprints
I'll see them again
to leave them all the same
This time once and for all
I have made you my home
Naive,
for I knew exactly how limited
our time together would be

I'm dreading our goodbye
Cold, stonely, backstage wall

I remember hearing the words
I remember feeling found
When she spoke of isolation
When she spoke of being alone

What I described months ago in my bedroom
A stranger described just the same in 2008
And I listen to him now
and it opens a portal
There is one man who knows the faux of my emptiness
he doesn't know me, but he knows that I'm there

Theres one picture I want to paint
However that may be
I need to grasp
This loneliness
I need to see it in front of me

It's starting to get to me
Starting to eat and dig at me
Starting to furrow

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

There arent any teams
but they're both against me
I live in two houses
And am welcome in neither
I will forever be stuck
Sleeping on this basement couch
Confined and silenced
A servant of time

Everything that comes out
it is manipulative
it is lonely
I can't force the connection

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

people look over crowds
the same way
they look over the hills

I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

fell out of my fingers
i've lost the keys
i can't hear,
and i can't see it
it may never return
i have nothing of my own
and nothing of myself

People were shuffling into the halls in tears
I turned to her and said
'I think I have apathy issues'
She told me she loved me
Squeezed my shoulder
I didnt say anymore

I used to think of ancient people
as such ominous
all-knowing beings
in their footprints and their art
it was supreme,
it was transcending
they knew things about the universe
that i could never imagine
but theyre the same
as you and i
theyre just the same

i wish i could apologize
without it being selfish

having thoughts that make me go
aaa i need severe psychological help

why can't i just be who ive always been
but reinvent myself
so that i dont face this world alone?
why do i have to make myself
convenient, conventional
in order to be worthy of
understanding

here i lay on this cold section of the stage
where no one can see
where i escape
it is the same as death encompasses me
experiencing the narrative through
to the end