I cannot imagine myself,
I mean the voice with whom I speak
who both doubt and believe (in me)
I cannot imagine that self
without you.
your silence a symphony
your words a philosophy
carefully constructed behind
the brown iris and white wash
of your eyes.

I cannot imagine my life
without you beside me
your touch one of pure silk
your heartbeat one with the ocean
waves crashing against the shore

I can still feel you staring at me
and that self doesn't want to believe
(at least not on this particular day)
it's worthy of whatever good you see.
yet here you are, in all your quiet thunder
humbling me with each individual
breath.

I cannot imagine myself
because as much as i have wrestled
and pondered this inevitable truth
it grew more clear with every struggle.
I  cannot imagine myself
Without you
The boy who once wore a silly brown coat even in the summer
Who now only wears my heart upon his sleeves

It's because of you that I'm this way
All your hypnotizing words
Singing melodies in my ear
All the reasons I live in fear

I think of you
As the clock in my therapists room ticks
All my problems, that no one can fix

All the voices in my head
Once filling me with terror
Now become my voices of reason
My mind, my own self, filled with treason

You
The one who loved yet hurt
You yourself was once scarred, yet you held a knife
And slashed my heart

Now I too am insane
Because of you
Or are we both to blame

I stagger around my broken home
Beer bottle in one hand
Spilling all over the wooden floors
Your clothes are on the porch
For all to see how much you've hurt me
* Jen* flashes on my phone
" no, you cannot fix the damage you've done"
I yell as I throw the phone
Adrenaline rushing
My anger and hurt growing
I pour the gasoline all over your possessions
Setting fire to it all
I look back
Admiring my work
My footing is lost, as I propel over the porch
Falling to my death
Because I fell for you

Maybe I'll get you out of my head
and forget all the words you once said
love within your eyes
but theres lies within your lips
so maybe I'll forgive you,one lie at a time

Walk around, don't make a sound
but I can't hide what my feelings are
in a big crowd
faking smiles
when its yours that my mind is on
we could've been so much more
but it seems you'd had enough
its so unfair
why do I still care
why are you still the one I want
you were the fire to my flame
and the reason for my pain

The old pictures are out in the rain
soaken wet
tears of my pain
I engulfed them in flames
and asked myself
am I to blame?

You're never too young to know what love is
so almost instantly
I knew I was in love with him
I never quite understood the brown coat he always wore
even on the hot summer days
but it made my interest in him grow even more
A few weeks after he was mine, I made the biggest mistake of my life
until one day we randomly ran into each other
and from then on I knew I wanted to be his wife
how I couldn't see that the moment I met him will always be a mystery
but the rest of our perfectly imperfect story
is our very own history

Tears stream down her face
now knowing that shes been replaced
silent whispers
of agonizing pain
she saw him kiss her
blood pulsed through her veins
" I hate you, I hate you"
but she knows thats not true
her heart is broken
but her pain will forever be unspoken

I never wanted the fairy tail wedding
until I met you
suddenly it was the gorgeous wedding on the beach
a beatiful white gown that flowed like the waves of the ocean
you at the end of the white carpet
my king waiting anxiously to share the kiss of our new begining
but just as the wind,
our plans were blown away by the hurricans of our past and present
and in a matter of days we were forced back into reality
the fairy tail yanked right out of our hands
now we're trapped,
forced to have to walk through the cruel world,yet again
the dove with the permanetely clipped wings

You ignored my silent pleas
so I screamed my pain with a knife
yet I know you still wont hear me
until I end my life
even then I don't think you'll change your ways
and honestly we both need to learn how to cope
instead of turning to our addictions in order to conceal our pain

my eyes are stained the color red
from all the crying we did the day before
but today its as if we never even talked, so my wrists stung as I bled
you drunk and I cut more and more
you said we'd be a happy family again
but if you think about it, we never were
because even from way back then
the good memories are a blur

My heart cannot feel hate
for anyone besides myself
so I see why I believed your apology wasn't fake
up until you grabbed the liquor from the top shelf

I don't expect you to change your ways
I guess I can't either
so you can just call me razor blade
and I'll call you alcohol breather

Tired of feeling alone
I just want a hand to hold
But with all these cheaters and lies
Maybe I'm best on my own
I'm tired of these songs
Never explaining the hurt
Only the good times
Never the times you feel like dirt
All a man has to say is some sweet little words
Now your heart is pounding
But your common sense becomes blurred
Love is a powerful thing
Mixed emotions, vows being said
And you tie the knot with a ring
Yet you still have doubts in your head
Then you get to yelling
Throwing things and fighting
All because of the lies you've both been telling
You don't need some guy
You can dry your own eyes
See love is just a game
And I have been played
So I'll keep writing down my pain
On this empty notebook page

When you're depressed,
there's no turning back
You say you're okay,
as the tears fall and your voice cracks
You call yourself a waist of space
Put yourself down
Thinking every breath is a mistake
You hurt
Never trust anyone, not even yourself
Closing everyone out, always on alert
Every day,
You're barely breathing
You survive
But you still aren't living

Lay my head down to rest
As the pain and the demons tear at my chest
Reopening my wounds
Whispering " it'll all be over soon"
The voices that once haunted me
Are now memories of what we were supposed to be
Replaced by the thought of you
Again making me question what is really true
The voice I once found calming
Now haunts my dreams, with deep longing
I listen as your voice, combined with the others who've hurt me,
Tells me to go to the very top of the building
You take me to the edge, holding me in your arms
The place I feel I'll always belong
All of a sudden you let go
Finally making me realize you were always my biggest foe
My body hits the ground with a hard thud,
Painting the streets with the color of my blood

Eyes linger
Hunger for him grows
Though he gently touches another with his soft fingers
And the pain in her eyes shows
She watches in horror
As her love slips away
She remembers the times when he had once adored her
When he had nothing but sweet words to say
He hugs her tightly
Confusing her so
Her eyes shine at him brightly
Heart saying yes, but brain saying no
She wishes for his feelings to be true
Though deep down she knows better
Her pain forever permanent, like a tattoo
Her heart spilling out,in the never to be sent letter

"Stop thinking about him
He's not thinking about you"
Words forever in my head
Though I wish it wasn't true

I'll  never let myself get that vulnerable to another guy in my life
I will never let someone get that close
and know things that I originally didn't want anyone to know
never fall in love again, for that word and that feeling is a myth and a lie
I don't need anyone to love me in that way
because I will find a way to love myself.
nothing he said was true nor will it ever be true.
I will be strong and I will try not to cry anymore,
he doesn't deserve my tears
I will try to find a way to get my heart back
I will eventually get out of this depression.
I will not call him, begging for him to come back
I will keep my dignity and face what he has done to me alone.
I want him more than ever but I will not let him know that
I promise.....

I cry flames
And see blood
My hearts filled with shame
All because of love

I don't understand love,only fight
My childhood was stolen from me one night
I don't feel pain anymore,so there's nothing left to lose
I won't be affected by a little bruise
You think because I wear a smile that I've never experienced pain
You're just part of my past,and I'm never going back again
I deserve better
But I'll be sure to write a letter
I will survive
I'll make it out of this pain alive
Because I don't need you
I won't be a heart broken fool
Of course I'll miss you
But I know better than to only listen to my heart too

Though we may not talk as often as I'd like
And I don't get to fall asleep with you holding me tight,
Even if we argue almost every night
Deep in my heart I'll always know
I love you and I'll never let you go

I remember being young
I was a light
My smile was always real and bright
But I was forced to grow up too fast
And getting up became a fight

My light became darkness
My smile became fake
Now living gets harder with every breathe I take
At night I can never stop crying
So I lay there wide awake

The black rose dares you to come closer
Its petals shimmer in the sun
They seem smooth and fragile
You just have to have it
So you try to pick it
And steal it from the garden of red roses that surround it
But the black rose's thorns penetrate you
Sending a rush of pain through you
Before you can hurt it
Before you can ***** off its petals
As you chant '' I love you,  I love you not"
Before you can make the black rose the same as the other red ones
The ones you've already destroyed
The black Rose is different
You will never get past its sharp thorns unharmed
You will never get to play your game of love
And make the black rose wither away to nothing
So move on to the next flower
For the black rose needs no holder

You come through my opened door
And I feel your hands softly wrap around me
I turn around,  but you are gone
Then yet again you're behind me
This time pushing me to the ground
I used to be able to pick myself up
Yet now I see I rely on your touch to give me strength
I feel you carry me and lay me on your lap
My head on your beating heart
I allow myself to forgive you
Just as you throw me off
When it's good
We can do anything and it's us against the world
But when it's bad
The chain around our hearts tighten until it almost kills us both
I get up to leave
But you pull me close
Forever making me stay by reminding me of my love for you
I couldn't go without your touch
Even if you push me down
I don't want to live without hearing your heart beat
Even if it's not for me
My heart and my brain go to war
One afraid of getting hurt
The other not caring as long as you're with me
Many watch us as we play the confusing game of love
They cringe and mock
But it's us against the world
Until you, mi amor, want to fight it alone

When fear and hatred clouds your days
You feel so alone
Even when you're surrounded by people
And as you tell the ones you love that nothing is wrong
They say you're ungrateful
It kills you to lie
But you don't want them to know
That every night you, you just cry
You dream of ending it all
Not caring about yourself
Not caring how hard you fall
Everyone always says
It'll be okay
But do they take those meds
You want to tell someone how you feel
Yet you're so scared
Because if you say it out loud it actually makes it real
You see we hide behind the illusion of " I'm fine"
We've said it so much
That sometimes we start to believe the lie
But deep down we know we're depressed
And no matter how many people try to help
That depression will always have us under arrest

I want to not answer when you call at 4 am
I want you to cry yourself to sleep
Because your mind won't stop thinkin
I want you to think I'm with another man
I want to play with your emotions
Just because I can
I want to play this out until it ends it course
I want to watch you turn into me
And feel no remorse
I want you to wait for me to change
Waiting as still and as long as a statue
I want to make you look like a fool
as everybody's laughing at you
I want to hurt you so bad
It'll take years for your heart to mend
I want to affect you so much
That you'll never trust again
And just when you can't take it anymore
And you're thinking about leavin
I want to pull you close and whisper in your ear
"Now we're even"

I stare into the darkness of the night
as someone pulls me from behind
my eye widen with a look a pure fright
at the thought of what I might find
they take me to a place unknown
after tying me up
they say this is my new home
thier voices making my mind corrupt
I'm forced to help them ****
torture the weak minded
we take them against their will
its like I've been blinded
everyday is someone new
usually young and dumb
they never know what we're capable to do
until they're screaming out to no one

close my eyes
take a breath
then I dive
to my death
as I'm falling
I see your face
its her name that you're calling
I've been replaced

you grab something sharp
and pierce your skin
then you act out your part
and keep your feelings in
but I see through your smile
I see past your act
you've been hurting for a while
and that is a fact
you want to be saved
but no one is ever there
so you're forced to brave
and act like you don't care
well you can talk to me
for hours on the phone
share what others can't see
you don't have to go through this alone
come into my arms
it'll all be okay
turn off the alarms
you put on your heart each day
I'll be strong for you
but just remember
no matter what you believe to be true
it never rains forever

the truth is right in front of their face
they choose to look the other way
an illusion is what their mind is based
they don't want to see the thunder storms of May

the mother doesn't want to face reality
though its right in front of her
the father doesn't want it to be
they both let their heads blur

but their daughter will soon be dead
following in her older brother's steps
the 17 year old crack head
their footsteps silently crept

down the stairs
or out the window
claiming they need fresh air
they're really smoking *** though

everyone just turns away
shielding themselves from the truth
but what happened to their son Jay
and where is their daughter Ruth

both have disappeared
the mother and father burst out in tears
forced to face what they secretly always feared
having no right to cry since they were never really here

so what happened to Jay
and 15 year old Ruth
both had a price to pay
since their parents chose not to see the truth

I grab my brush
painting in a rush
I make long strokes with red
a picture image in my head
the brush paints deeply
the feeling of it completes me
the lights are turned off
as I remove the cloth
revealing my painting
seeing everyone mentally fainting
I smile at their looks of regret
the art I showed them is one they'll never forget
they take away my brushes
and my heart crushes
but I'll always find a way to paint
so everyone, just wait

Me being a teenager has nothing to do
with the way I act towards you
can't you see?
oh of course not because you know nothing about me
we have never been close
you feel like spending five minutes  with me is an overdose
I have never been able to talk to you about anything
even more so now that you have a new wedding ring
you both act like out of control 18 year olds
I can't even count the amount of lies you've told
we try to do things as a family
but it seems like theres always some place you'd rather be
you can never make up for all those time you've left me home alone
yet you wonder why I complain and groan
all you ever want is to party and drink
I wish you would just stop and think
do you know how much I crave your attention
well you never will
because these thoughts I will never mention
I'll just pop another happy pill

The fire is now what comforts me
its flames engulf my soul and give me life
the sound of it burning
like a lullaby being sung to an infant child
others run from the fire
but I allow myself to take the heat
the fire craddles me in its arms
nurturing my broken heart
they try to pull me out
their hands burn at the fires touch
its too late to save me
now you would only be stealing me from my passion
my savior
my protector
the one I feel safe with
I turn my back on the ones who've hurt me
running back into the fire
at full speed I throw myself in its grasp
feeling its heart pumping embrace on my skin
the fire takes me in
burning my body to nothing but ash
I am now one with the fire
our love will shine so bright it'll melt your eyes
the fire
my escape
my love
my end

I'm searching every single place
turn every corner and hope to see your face
been trying to find you, but I just don't know
so where do the broken hearts go
they say they know how I feel
and somehow its my fault that it was my heart you chose to steal
you tore me apart but I kept my mouth shut
my only weakness is that I care too much
it hurts to see you smile when I'm in pain
but everyone else just thinks I'm insane
when you ask I'll always say I'm fine
yet secretly I wish you were still mine
I'm forced to see you almost everyday
I watch you as you walk away
I wish you would hold me like you used to
I wish you cared as much as I do
finally came out of my shell
now the price I pay is pure hell
so now my heart is finally dead
all because you got into my head
and though I don't let it show
I'm dying really slow
you stole my heart
then you ripped it apart
I look down and watch the blood flow
I finally know where the broken hearts go

I've learned to hide my depression
so no one will know
learning to hide my agression
I can't let it show
swallow my pride
all to protect
who I am inside
I've got it down to a science
never told a soul
until my heart showed defiance
I fell for you
I let my guard down
but you weren't true
you've hurt me
I gave you everything
but it wasn't meant to be
and as I sit here all alone
I realize the truth really does hurt  
now my cover has been blown

The pieces have been put together
the tears have been repaired
the blanket enwraps us once again
now stronger
out of the city's reach
away from the hurricane
its beauty pierces through the hurricane
making all the gray turn to pure white fabric
which is sewn into the blanket
the city watches in horror
as the blanket becomes larger
even more magnificent than before
the angels sing
the wedding bells ring
as we inter twine ourselves withen the blanket
letting each other know
that we have overcome the city
overpowered the hurricane
and now can bond as one
as the kiss is shared
we may be a part of the blanket
permanately bringing sunshine to the city
the city fights but the blanket,
the blanket is too overwhelming and beautiful

why am I still here
if they're the ones I'm supposed to fear
they take away my heart
only to tear it apart
using my emotions against me
leading me to a place I can't see
they sit me in the pitch black
just waiting for me to crack
I go insane
for the answers I never gain
I scream out in sorrow
as if there's no tomorrow
suddenly the voices stop
and I feel my stomach flop
my soul is lifted
which was not predicted
I finally open my eyes
and I see a big surprise
I am in my bed
the voices were truely in my head
all just my imagination
all just a false creation
now I'm smiling as it occurs to me
all dreams......
are not what they seem to be

at nightfall the storm comes
which gives the beautiful blanket
time to streanghten and rebuild itself
for the hurricans of the next day
the city blossoms yet again
continuing to cause more destruction upon the blanket
which has become solid and more breath taking over time
chipping away slowly
blow by blow
piece by piece
tear by tear
the blanket dies
as the blanket is chipped away
slowly and painfully
the city feels no remorse or sorrow
night falls over the world
over the heart of the blanket
as tthe blanket is no more
its youth and beauty
dead
along with the blanket

Everyone says destroy what destroys you, right
so as an angel
I spread my wings and take flight
they said stay strong
and I'm so sorry
but I just couldn't go on
you wouldn't believe how much blood I've shed
the doctor said it would help
so they made me take those meds
nothing ever worked
not for a long time anyway
the depression aways lurked
I pulled up my sleeve with a little doubt
looked down at the shiny blade
as it screamed let me out
I cut deeper and deeper
smiled as the blood showed
I started to get weaker
I just couldn't refuse
the blade is my friend
thought I had nothing left to lose
this may be hard for you to comprehend
please don't cry
but this is really the end
and this is the key to my heart

"I'm just tired"
she whispers
"tired of resisting what my heart desires"
then he kissed her
and for a moment she flew
forever wanting the kiss to be lasting
bet she never knew
their love would come crashing
so fast and so hard
she thought that they were meant to be
but he played her like a card
now she sits there all alone
forced to watch him with her
"Don't you miss those hours on the phone"
"Can I make your feelings differ"
she's broken
she's so tired
tired of being open
now that his feelings have expired
"Come back to me"
she pleas to you
but he always wanted to be free
his feelings were never true

Listen to my heart pound
though you'll never hear the sound
fighting every single day
I can never seem to get away
cover my ears
so the sound will fade
then I try
to hide in the shade
for I have no shadow
I am already dead
all because of the voices inside my head
bickering, screaming, yelling, and fighting
all these voices are so uninviting
I can't seem to tune them out
yet I know without a doubt
these voices are familiar
and as I lay in the pitch black
I can't help but want them back
so I sit here and wait
waiting for my fate
waiting for the voices my mind......
loves to create