Monotone: Poems

Feb 28 · 20

My Body

Monotone Feb 28

My Body

Lately I’ve been struggling with my body.
I am not skinny enough: I’m chubby.
I’m not feminine enough: I’m ugly.
I’m not masculine enough: I’m frumpy.
I cannot look at myself.

Feb 28 · 21

Focus

Monotone Feb 28

Focus

I try so hard to clear my mind and breathe,
but my brain speaks too often.
The words don’t connect with one another.
They’re all over the place.
From one to the next–I cannot focus.

May 2023 · 98

i am me

Monotone May 2023

i am me

i used to always be too much.
i talk too much. i laugh too much.
but somehow i was also always too little-
i wasn’t trying hard enough.
however, truly i was never the problem at all.
i gave everything i could.
i changed for you.
and i am so happy to finally say-
the real me isn’t dead.
without you around i have started to see me.
i goof around with reckless abandon and
i hype myself up.
i am cocky instead of self conscious- who knew cockiness would ever be a positive?
i am so incredibly happy. and im proud.
i am so proud of me- because i’m me and i’m not you.

May 2023 · 66

Moving Out

Monotone May 2023

Moving Out

i left the other day.
i packed my bags and moved out.
and that is when I realized
that home isn’t a place.
it’s you.
it’s our walks through the park
and our talks through the night.
it’s getting in trouble together
and getting out of trouble together.
home is us. home is our friendship.
I have no idea how to be at home when you’re not here.

Apr 2023 · 69

how do i breathe again?

Monotone Apr 2023

how do i breathe again?

sometimes when i think of you
i don’t know how to breathe.
not because of a fondness for you, no.
but because you ripped open the seams that i had worked so diligently to upkeep.
you’re an animal.
one by one you plucked at every string I had tied to me.
you took away my confidence, self esteem, and beliefs;
leaving me only with anxiety and a constant fear
that i would never be me again.
because the line drawn between what was me and what was you had been so faint.
every day i question if i think right or if i’m breathing correctly.
and then i panic and forget how to breathe.

Nov 2022 · 93

My Light

Monotone Nov 2022

My Light

Sometimes I feel as if you stole a part of me away with you.
You took the very essence of my soul with you when you left.
I didn’t think it was a permanent ending, of course, neither of us ever did.
Each time we parted, it was never the end.
And now it is, and I no longer have air to breathe.
The fire that once sparked us both and lit up our the passionate flames of our souls belongs only to you now.

Be passionate for me, even if it is not with me.

Nov 2022 · 117

Us

Monotone Nov 2022

Us

I miss those moments,
but I would not change our ending.

Sep 2022 · 92

Fixating

Monotone Sep 2022

Fixating

How do I tell my brain to stop?
I get in these moods when I should be happy.
So much is good right now,
but that one comment keeps sticking.
My dumb brain won’t stop fixating.

Sep 2022 · 77

Again

Monotone Sep 2022

Again

“A new start,” that’s what I told myself.
“I just need a change.”
It’s happening again- like always.
Regardless of what or where or when,
I end up alone.
People drop off like flies-
while it may seem irrelevant to them,
It’s the only thing I can think of.
If I look back on the photos,
I’m never there.

Aug 2022 · 206

The Dark

Monotone Aug 2022

The Dark

I’m so scared.
The feeling of being alone-
It’s closing in.
I don’t want to be stuck in the dark.

Apr 2022 · 103

Stagnant

Monotone Apr 2022

Stagnant

I’m surrounded and alone.
These figures try to communicate,
but they never try to come closer.
I can’t understand a word they say.
I see their mouths move,
but that’s all that happens.
Their mouths move,
and they remain stagnant.
I try to communicate with hands,
I try to communicate with action ,
but they turn around and refuse to watch.

How can they hope to communicate
if they won’t meet me halfway?

Apr 2022 · 70

It’s so hard to breathe

Monotone Apr 2022

It’s so hard to breathe

Lately I’ve been having trouble breathing.
Everything around me closes in;
it swells up leaving no room.
It gets so tight that no air
could possibly squeeze through.
And then I pass out.
Only it doesn’t stop.
I keep waking,
endlessly struggling for air-
only to pass out in a panic.

Apr 2022 · 104

Small Things

Monotone Apr 2022

Small Things

Sometimes I do small things,
small enough people don’t notice.
I pinch my wrist,
I pull my hair.
I let piercings close-
only to pierce them again.
I seek out so much pain-
so much hurt-
because it helps me feel again.

Dec 2021 · 80

Everything is so Slow

Monotone Dec 2021

Everything is so Slow

I can’t breathe.
I can’t see anything.
I have these little flashes of light-
and tight, frantic gasps for air.
I’m left with my thoughts-
and in these panicked times they feel slow.
They’re drawn out.
I’m given all the time to think about-
How terrible a human I am.
How I’m incapable of genuine love.
How alone I am and will always be.
How I can’t even fake my own happiness.
I’m drowning,
And somehow, I’m taking everyone with me.

Nov 2021 · 317

Every

Monotone Nov 2021

Every

I question every decision I make.
I regret every action I take.

Nov 2021 · 95

Toxic

Monotone Nov 2021

Toxic

I know it's cliche to call you toxic-
and to be honest you were more intricate than that.
'Toxic' seems too crude, unorganized for you.
No, you weren't toxic.
But you manipulated me in ways I hadn't foreseen.
You tore every shred of who I was apart,
and if that wasn't enough,
you set fire to it and watched it burn.
The tears I shed were never enough to cease the flames.
And now that I've finally given in,
you've thrown me away for someone new to play with.
I'm left to simply build myself up again-
left to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix.
I guess it's fitting to end on another cliche.

Nov 2021 · 118

After

Monotone Nov 2021

After

With anger there comes clarity.
Not during it, no.
After- when you can see past the hurt.
And you can see you’re not at fault
for the pain they intentionally cause.

Nov 2021 · 75

Molded For You

Monotone Nov 2021

Molded For You

I’m not the right flavor for you.
My love is shown a particular way-
I give you reassurance,
you consider it babying you.
I ask about your day-
tell me I’m simping.
I want to call-
and you say I’m annoying.

But then-
I change those habits,
And now I’m a walking red flag.
You molded me how you wanted me,
But now you want the original again?
I’m sorry, but you don’t get that choice.

Nov 2021 · 72

A few things

Monotone Nov 2021

A few things

If I were to try again-
I would change a few things.
The first being my silence as a child-
when He molested and ***** me.
The second being my maturing-
I was forced to grow up too quick.
The last being my habits-
If I had never self harmed,
I never would have become addicted to it.
That’s it. That’s all.

Nov 2021 · 77

They’re indifferent

Monotone Nov 2021

They’re indifferent

I feel unneeded.
And that’s so different from unwanted.
I feel as though I serve no purpose for others.
The ones I love simply don’t need me.
I feel as though I only hinder-
I’m in the way.
They’re indifferent.
I’m not unwanted,
I’m simply unneeded.

Nov 2021 · 106

Personal Cinema

Monotone Nov 2021

Personal Cinema

I'm out of place-
I have been for a while now.
Something triggered it,
but I'm not quite sure when.
I'm off.
Nothing I do feels right,
and I'm starting to forget who I am.
My parents continue asking where their daughter went.
My brothers treat me as though I'm fragile-
and even my closest friends feel like strangers.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
that's the scary part.
I'm numb, but I'm not.
I'm depressed, but I'm not.
It's like I'm starring in my own personal horror movie-
the victim is me-
the killer is me-
and a ****** waiting to take place.

Nov 2021 · 394

She Struck

Monotone Nov 2021

She Struck

Her skin glistened in the light,
and so they thought her beautiful.
But that same glistening blinded them,
they no longer guarded their hearts.
And that was when she struck,
leaving behind a trail of blood and tears.

Nov 2021 · 736

A Walking Plague

Monotone Nov 2021

A Walking Plague

I want to reach inside my body
to rip out my heart.
I want to put it in a locked box,
one I cannot access.
I want to stop feeling,
so maybe I won't always hurt.
I want to be free from myself,
because I am the embodiment of pain.

I am a walking plague,
and maybe if I remove my heart,
no one else will be poisoned.

Oct 2021 · 130

I don’t exist for you

Monotone Oct 2021

I don’t exist for you

What I put on my body is not up to you.
It’s not about you in the slightest.
So shut the **** up, and move on.
This is me. Whether you like it or not.
I’m not your little puppet.
My existence isn’t dedicated to you.
So *******.
I have my own struggles-
Stop making them about you.
They’re not.

Oct 2021 · 225

Externalize

Monotone Oct 2021

Externalize

I can’t stop shaking.
Everything hurts- emotionally.
And I can’t stop shaking.
I want to scream,
Or hurt physically,
Or something to just externalize my pain.
But I can’t,
So I sit here and shake.

Oct 2021 · 98

Accept

Monotone Oct 2021

Accept

Accept me.
Let me be me.
Stop forcing yourself on me.
I am my own person.
Just ******* accept me.
Just care about me.
Just support me.
I am me, not you.
So please,
Just accept me.

Oct 2021 · 119

Done Making You Mine

Monotone Oct 2021

Done Making You Mine

I am not your priority.
You do not make time for me.
And because of that,
I have to leave.
If you wanted me to stay,
You’d do something to keep me.
But you’re not-
I’m not your priority,
And so I’m done making you mine.

Oct 2021 · 84

Maybe Love Is A Lie

Monotone Oct 2021

Maybe Love Is A Lie

Maybe love is just a concept,
something that we’ll never truly obtain.
A theory- if you will.
One that we’ve tested and tested for-
No luck.
Maybe love isn’t real.
We want it to be so badly.
We want to be needed and cherished so bad.
But maybe- maybe it’s impossible.
To need and cherish someone to that extent,
and for them to reciprocate it.
Maybe love is a lie.
Maybe we’re disguising our feelings,
giving them one broad term ‘love.’
Maybe love is just a concept.

Oct 2021 · 110

Floating Above

Monotone Oct 2021

Floating Above

Today I’m floating-
I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad,
But I’m floating.
I’m seeing me, but I’m not in my body.
I’m watching myself, a stranger almost.
It’s weird, and kind of odd,
But I don’t mind it.
It’s better than being alone and cold-
And it’s better than feeling all the things.
Everything that stranger- no not a stranger,
Everything that I feel has no effect on me.
Does that make sense?
I’m just watching myself,
while floating above.

Oct 2021 · 88

I’m so mad

Monotone Oct 2021

I’m so mad

I just cut my wrists up,
And I’m so mad,
Because I can’t even ******* **** myself right.

Oct 2021 · 124

Girls and Boys and Those Inbetween

Monotone Oct 2021

Girls and Boys and Those Inbetween

I like girls and I like boys and inbetweens-
but boys are so much easier to date.
I know what to expect and what to do-
but girls and inbetweens scare me,
I get so nervous and make mistakes.
They’re the unknown.
But if I don’t know them as well as boys-
how can I possibly be worthy of “pansexual?”
Do I even deserve that title?
Im attracted to people,
not their gender or their appearance,
but I’m so scared of messing up.
I like girls.
I like boys.
I like those inbetween.
But how could they possibly like me?

Oct 2021 · 157

Gaslighting Myself

Monotone Oct 2021

Gaslighting Myself

Why do I do this?
Why do I drop everything for you?
Every time I get hurt.
And even now I feel so numb and sad-
and we’re not even dating.
I’m so loyal to someone who is using me.
You don’t even want me.
And I’m saying this-
But the moment you call,
I’ll come running back.
Because I’m weak and I know-
I know you have some good in you.
You’re not an awful person-
Or wait.
Am I gaslighting myself?
Am I making excuses for you again?
****.
Am I dumb? Am I blind?
You haven’t really changed have you?
But I love you.
And it hurts me.
****, I love you.
Why don’t you love me?

Oct 2021 · 357

Depressed and Apart

Monotone Oct 2021

Depressed and Apart

I miss the laughter and even the sadness.
I miss when you’d sing on FaceTime off tune.
I miss falling asleep together, 700 miles away.
I miss our deeper talks- the ones that hurt.
I miss when you’d carry me in video games.
I miss the accidental drunk Snapchats.
I miss randomly getting sleepy calls at 3 am.
I miss when we were happy together,
but now we’re both depressed and apart.

Oct 2021 · 411

I’m not pretty, I’m depressed

Monotone Oct 2021

I’m not pretty, I’m depressed

I’m not pretty- I’m depressed.
I have cuts and scars lining my wrists.
I’m always sleeping or not at all,
dark circles rest under my eyes permanently.
I’m either too fat or too skinny,
and I can’t remember the last time I ate.
I fake a smile and a laugh,
but in conversation my mind is far away.
I wear dark oversized clothing to hide
because my insecurities keep me afraid.
I self isolate out of fear that I’ll mess it all up-
but I fear being alone.
I’m not pretty, I’m depressed.

Oct 2021 · 91

H a p p y

Monotone Oct 2021

H a p p y

I cut myself shaving today
And instead of throwing the blade away-
I made rivers of red artwork-
first my thigh,
and then my wrist.
And I left myself a reminder-
because I should just be happy.
Instead of being depressed.
So now that word “happy”
is engraved in my skin.
because maybe my dumb brain
just needs a shove to remember
that depressed isn’t pretty,
and if I just go to the gym I’ll be happy.

Oct 2021 · 80

That’s Nice

Monotone Oct 2021

That’s Nice

I say the words “I love you.”
I say them because I mean them.
It’s not something reserved for dating.
It’s not something reserved for family.
I say them because I mean them.
We don’t have to be in a relationship.
So why when I say those three words,
do you reply “that’s nice?”
Any other time you’d say them back.
But because we’re not in a relationship
you say, “that’s nice.”

Sep 2021 · 571

Within

Monotone Sep 2021

Within

The only thing on my mind
Is how badly I want
To run a blade across my wrist
And feel an outer hurt
Because I’m tired of the within

Sep 2021 · 97

Character Development

Monotone Sep 2021

Character Development

It hurts-
When they find someone new,
and I realize I was only there
for character development.
And now he’s with her,
and I’m with a different face every night.
But I’m the one who struggled through
the lows and the highs.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
Not her.
But I’m the one who’s alone.
Because while he’s marriage material,
I’m simply another body for men to use.
I’m pretty enough to ****,
but I’m no one’s dream girl-
just a means to pass the time.
And so I silently cry in this empty room,
thinking about those memories of you-
and the pain that you and I went through.

Sep 2021 · 85

I cut myself shaving

Monotone Sep 2021

I cut myself shaving

I cut myself shaving,
it brought back those memories.
Just a tiny twinge of pain,
and my hand begins to shake.
I throw the razor away,
tears begin streaming down my face.
But as much as I falter,
I want to slide the blade down my wrist again
and feel that familiar ache.
I want my emotions to come pouring out,
Because they’ve been hidden away.
I want to be entranced by seeping blood,
as it soothes and brings me peace.
I cut myself shaving,
and I went back to that place.

Sep 2021 · 74

This weighted plate

Monotone Sep 2021

This weighted plate

I was told I ruin everything-
Every friendship, relationship, or in between.
I give every small piece of me,
rarely asking for any reprieve-
and yet I still manage to ruin it.
Every single time.
I keep taking the blame,
because I know your shoulders are weak,
and while I may be struggling,
you are certain to crumble under the weight.
For now I’ll continue to carry your mistakes,
but I ensure you that I won’t always.
I’ll eventually clear this weighted plate.

Sep 2021 · 81

Swimming in a vicious sea

Monotone Sep 2021

Swimming in a vicious sea

I met this boy when the pandemic began.
My mind was swimming in dark seas,
but this boy- he made me happy,
even if it were only bits and pieces so rare.
I met this boy and my tears disappeared,
laughter filled and echoed around me,
and I finally smiled regularly.
I grew fond of this boy in record speed,
but I was not the only one whose mind swam.
His mind was deep- submerged completely,
and it could be so hard to reach.
I tried, but I could only do so much-
and the water consumed and devoured me.
Even now, I’m slowly sinking-
a prisoner of this vicious, unrelenting sea.

Sep 2021 · 614

Used to

Monotone Sep 2021

Used to

I used to imagine a future-
and I was genuinely excited to see
exactly what was meant to be.

Now that future has disappeared-
and I’m scared to walk this trail
knowing that everything I try will only fail.

Sep 2021 · 401

Piles of Things

Monotone Sep 2021

Piles of Things

I keep dropping everything for you,
but you won't help me pick anything up.
Instead, you drag me away from my pile of things,
so we can pick up yours, and go back to that place.
That place isn't my favorite, in fact it's the worst.
I can't speak, or sleep, or even eat.
I'm suffocating in this casket you keep me in,
while all my things grow mold and become so overwhelming.
So overwhelming, which means it's hard to face them.
And so my pile of things keeps growing,
and I keep helping you clean and organize-
in the hopes that you'll help me clean up just a little bit of my own.

Jul 2021 · 584

drowning in water

Monotone Jul 2021

drowning in water

If I were to scream
while drowning in water
would anyone hear me?

May 2021 · 111

Move On

Monotone May 2021

Move On

I just want to move on, but it’s so hard.
Because we facetime so often
And you still call me babe.

May 2021 · 91

The Water I'm Treading

Monotone May 2021

The Water I'm Treading

I'm slipping into an ocean
filled with doubts
and i'm mentally unwell.
These thoughts eat at me,
like fish in a feeding frenzy.
I keep getting bitten-
each chunk leaves and
I'm slowly forgetting
who I am and who I want to be.
Someone just reach out and save me.
I can only do so much on my own.
I'm swimming but what use is that
when I'm in the middle of a sea.
I have no assistance.
No boats, not even a floatie.
I just need some sort of release
from treading endlessly.
So please help me to save me.
I can't keep this up.
I'm becoming hopelessly exhausted.
I'm going to sink,
and when I do,
just promise you'll remember me.

May 2021 · 92

I have

Monotone May 2021

I have

I feel cold-
not on the outside though.
On the inside I'm shivering.
I feel so alone.
Except when I'm laughing.
When I can find someone who makes me laugh.
When I'm not just fake smiling.
I think I've kind of found a person who makes me laugh.
Not kind of- I have.
I can feel myself warming.
I'll have to thank him for that.

May 2021 · 121

You Know What?

Monotone May 2021

You Know What?

You know what?
I'm not broken.

I can still function.
I'm not alone.
I've got others around me.
I won't isolate.
I will explore.
I can do this.
I will survive.
I will be loud.
I want my voice to be heard.
I'll feel.
I won't become numb.
I can still thrive.

Because you know what?
I'm not broken.

May 2021 · 230

I'm still breathing.

Monotone May 2021

I'm still breathing.

I made a mistake last night.
I held a blade in my hands and cut away the pain.
I made a mistake last night.
I'm not proud or even happy- I did not benefit.
I made a mistake last night.
Over a boy who kept hurting me.
I made a mistake last night,
but at least I didn't reach my end.
I made a mistake last night,
but I'm still breathing.

May 2021 · 72

Define it

Monotone May 2021

Define it

Define a crush~
Is this someone who you're just attracted to,
or is this someone you know well and have feelings for?

Define 'talking'~
Is this just chatting amongst many different people,
or is this something considered exclusive?

Define dating~
Is this going on a few dates with multiple people,
or is this loving one person and unmeasurable feelings for them?

Define engaged~
Is this a trial run of marriage,
or is this a promise to love someone for the rest of eternity.

Define marriage~
Is this an agreement to only love one another,
or is this a contract that keeps the two of you stuck together?

I'm so confused. So please, define it.