The terrible darkness
on the back of my eyelids
Look just like the abyss

And it's staring back at me
Beckoning, calling me
If you only look to see
You'll find infinity

Staring down into the abyss
I swear it's looking back again
Maybe I'll just swim right in
Take a bath in the pool of sin

This is a death march don't be naive
No good will come of this you will see
The gallows are just beyond these trees
So why the **** are you dragging me

I'm here of my own free will
You cling onto me still
You hold onto your guilt
I won't validate your selfish tilt

Heels dug in, now struggling
Dreading impending judging
Crying that I don't need your help
Can't you hear me wail and yelp

Look away from the obvious thought
I suppose this was the only way out
I still can't shake this doubt
That we always knew what this is about

Intro

Heavy thoughts aloof
Drizzle on the roof

Going to be a monsoon
Going to be a gale soon

First verse

I could drown in the sound
Or the water on the ground
All the vagrants in town
Shiver, shudder, hide out

Second verse

So come inside with me
Or hide beneath the tree
Let this all blow past us
See how long denial can last us

Buildup from lull

And then we'll go to sleep
dry and warm
Pretend I'm not afraid of the storm

First chorus

I can hear the rain
It's coming, and it burgeons
I can hear the rain
In sheets and waves and curtains
Battering the breaches
Baton down the hatches
Pray the long reaches of the rain
Bring us sunshine and peaches

Puddles splashing
Babies napping
Alone with nothing happening
Put my coat on
Decide to stay home
Wish I was with someone

Bridge

Rain rain go away
You already ****** up one day
Rain rain go away
The sky cried for hours today

A squall, deluge, downpour
The one to run for life for
Fight for, prepare, and die for
But still there comes more

Lull

But then the sun comes out
A glimmer through the clouds
I think it's letting up

Build

But then I hear the sound
It ******* shakes the ground
Like the heavens themselves
Screaming aloud

Build

Blustering, twisting,
Buffeting and blistering
Forget the shutters
Hear the thunder
Crack the sky asunder

Build

Protect the others
Save the children
Save the mothers

Crescendo

I can hear the rain
It's here it rages, and surges
I can hear the rain
In sheets and waves and curtains
Battering the breaches
Baton down the hatches
Pray the long reaches of the rain
Bring us sunshine and peaches

This burden will not be borne.
Shell of our kind is cracked and torn.
This world of ours has stoked its ire
And we've placed us all upon the fire
Decency is not a memory but a fantasy
And cruelty is a gospel turned into reality
We don't have the answers
We don't have a clue
Maybe somewhere deeper
We know what's left to do
"**** what's yours I want what's mine"
We hear that same old rant
Can't help but think "*******,
This is how this all began"
Can't we, unexpecting, help our brother off the floor?
Can't we help our mammal kin to build something more?
Is love a failed experiment?
Have we ruined evolution to it's detriment?
Watch us fade away, greed in tow
Universe uncaring, letting energy flow
We've made this cake, time we eat it.
Made the bed so now we sleep in it.

Turn signal not happening?
Cart you're not returning?
We can deal with it.
Strike your fellow man?
Take food from my family's hand?
We should **** for it.
It's the principle
And you're not invincible
Judgement comes in all forms
Some are brainstorms
Never been one to hate
But we've all been there too late
You say *******,
I say ******* too.
Do your worst, I doubt I'll die
Darwin wants me to give you a try.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.
If it's not today, then today you'll be dying.
I'll mind my business when you mind yours.
******* and your expensive ******.

A note. Just a letter
I wish I could have written it better
Maybe even told you myself
But I'll leave it on your shelf:

Anticipation
Delayed gratification
Impatience
For elation

In all my years and all my desires
Everything I've striven for
Groped, struggled and tried
So excited I couldn't sleep
Could think of naught else
For days, weeks, obsessed
With the fruits of success
The reward nearly grasped
Barely out of reach

Ultimately empty, each one
Mostly disappointments, even when won
Culmination of cultivated fires
Disappointments, liars

But those blissful nine months
And the years before, hopeful
When I could speak of naught
And I concentrated my thought

With momma, bless her light
Before she gave up the fight

For you, my darling
For you, my darling

Couldn't have prepared
Never even compared
With you, my darling
With you, my darling

Of all the realized prizes
In arbitrary sizes
The worthless committals
Then I saw you, so little...

Only you, my tiny girl
My angel, my pride
Have truly changed my world
Without you I've died

Sun moon and stars are a drop in the bucket
Next to the picture of you I keep in a locket

Only you, Ella my love
My precious, most important,
Sweet turtledove

P.S.

Sealed in an envelope
Hide it in her hope chest

And when the time comes
Once she lays me to rest

I've written on the outside

"To Ella, with love forever,

Open once daddy has died."

Ella,

Won't let you see my worry

Ella,

Kepp the curtain over my dark streak

Gave you all that was good in me
Tried to **** out all of my greed

I'll never point out all that's wrong with you
Because it's wrong with me too

Stay in your little house my dear
I'm here, there's nothing to fear

Ella

I'll keep you safe from all but me
Hold you tight til you can hardly breathe

Ella

Every time I have to fight to sleep
I dream the dream that only your smile brings

Ella

When I feel your hearbeat next to me
I think I may still be in my dream

Ella

Hope you don't have to be like me
Complaining, always the martyr

If you do, I can't wait to see
How you do it so much smarter

I'll wear you on my sleeve so my heart still beats

Ella

Break me down to pieces please
See you're the best of me

Ella

I used to be outrospective
I have become selfish
This is not an apology
Rather an acknowledgement
As the world changes
As I grow and change
I cannot judge myself
Only observe and reflect
It is like the universe
As we inspect, dissect infinity
We realize how little we know
And I too
As I peel away layers in my sentience
Put my consciousness under a microscope
Like a flower unfurling under sol
Or a caterpillar creating a chrysalis
With no knowledge of its own becoming
I am immersed, humbled
And terrified of myself
And the power bestowed upon me
For how will I know
If what I choose is right
Just. True. Moral. Ethical.
Loving. Kind. Selfless
When I can only see
Through the lens of my own mind
And I am selfish

I haven't had a bad night in a while
Gosh... It's like I'm making a new file
Nobody cares
Nobodys there
Maybe I
Should learn to file
I'm not scared
But I realize
I'm merely there
My most precious
Doesn't care
And I'm just
Here for a while

I suppose I'll live
I think I have more to give
Receiving is a gift
One that I cannot lift

I can look down
I can look up
But all I see
Is when I **** up

I even hate my words
Maybe that's what I deserve

You are beautiful
Please don't mind the cliche
You are beautiful
I am almost afraid to say
The words that are easy
May seem easy to use
But to use them on you
Feels like word abuse
I know a few others
That might better rhyme
But they are not worthy
Having seen you this time
Overused, maybe
But not by me, baby
So, "Beautiful!", I say
With not a moments delay
If you'll let me, I'll stay
And say it about you every day.

This is a death march, don't be naive
Worthless shepherd to your little sheep
It seems to me we're all truly blind
Let's all believe neglect is divine

A cold and lonely corpse is all you will leave
What else could you possibly believe
None of us will ever find
A way to fight this cruel timeline

Baffled by what you hope to receive
For if God is real he's left us behind
Or at least he's taken what's mine
And I watch my life in the sieve

Don't let yourself be deceived
What you believe
Betrays your selfish greed and endless need

To get oblivion out of your mind
He is clearly unkind
And laughs to himself as we bleed

Cast away as you cast a line
These misled, pathetic, malign
Faiths of humankind
That have never failed to bind
The mask, the blind

And still we can't see
The evil sewn into his design
Shake my fist to the sky
Beg, plead, pray for ease
And weep quietly, "please"

For all of my want
I've still seen not a lot
And your god that turned his back on you,
And your entire faith
Is ignoring me too

I refuse to accept
My loving creator has crept
Into my heart just to make it seize.
So I scream
And I scream
And I still see no reprieve.

This is my challenge
Which will not be met
To prove my point
Let's commit a sin, let's bet.

If there is a God, then that would mean that this is his plan. If that is truly our creator, then I reject him, and judge him as he would judge me.

Sacrilege. Heresy. Smite me, almighty smiter. I have thrown down the gauntlet. You have no sons, no daughters, no apostles, no martyrs.

You have only slaves. And I will not accept the original tyrant as my saviour. I rail at the notion. Perhaps Lucifer had a point.

Verse 1:


Ive walked this road many times before
This time it seems something strange
I took a wrong turn
Did I lose my way
Did I break my compass
Let my distracted mind stray


Hold my thumb up to the sun
Manifest destination
Road rise to meet me
World won't you greet me
For a while will you mirror my smile


Chorus:


Always one more
Means an even score
We can't win for losing
But we losers are doing just fine


We're going to be all right
Awake through the long night
Prepared for winter, we arbiters of center
Never fear one more mile


Verse 2:


Dear lady will you fix me some vittles
My feet are sore and spirit brittle
Sit beside your fire, before I retire
I'll even sing you a tune for a smile


I won't refuse your company
Feel free to lie next to me
But I'm a gentleman
I won't get handsy
Unless it's you that asks me


Bridge:

 

Biding
Building
Patiently
Anxiously
Calmly
Coura­geously
Humbly
Waiting
Distracting
Acting
Exacting
Protecting
Lis­tening
Existing
Persisting
RESISTING


Dear man, may I offer you a hand
Cutting wood and plowing your land
All I ask is a roof to sleep under
And perhaps a bit of warm supper


I notice your daughter is beautiful
Has the lass given her heart away
She's nice to talk to
Rustles up a mean stew
Did mention her comely face

Fascinated,
Baptised, elated

The wonder is the oar that
We all hold

Confused, berated
Capitulated
Facing down our fear

Cynical, jaded
Disarmed, negated
Clutching all we hold dear

Disregarded, hated
Ignored, fated
To fade like morning dew

Out of breath I scream
All that I want from me
But there's no one there to hear

Chorus:

Push through
Let your hair down
Let me flow through you
Ask yourself why
Discard the question and ignore the truth
Push through
Culmination
All the years, all the tears
Could never encapsulate you
Push through
Drown the negative
This ******* apathetic, apologetic
Fatalistic thing we grew
Push through

Transcend the physical
Don't let this infinity win

If we name the number
Maybe we'll never ask again

Or maybe we do

Acknowledge my art
For it's the best of me
The only thing actually
That I'd like you to see
Also you'll notice
Hypocrisy
For my art is given
With no apology

If you'll take the time
I'll return the favor
I won't always rhyme
But it always has flavor

If you are, like me, a cynical loon
Please share this with me
And I'll share a tune

Songs that I've written
Songs that I've sung
For you, for me
For any and everyone

The world is winter
And I'm getting cold
It's not getting warmer
And I'm feeling old

Legacy
Relevancy
Decency
Don't you see?

This is my heart
I've put it on a sheet
For this is a death march
Let's not be naive

I'll be remembered for a generation or two
But hopefully loved for more than those few

As the world changes pace
I endure it with grace
At least I can try
Or convincingly lie

The sad truth of it all
Is that what I have to offer
Barely registers
And will never be popular

So I write for me
And I sing for thee


"Thank you!", I say
To my absent audience
And only hear crickets
And it's painfully obvious

I thought that I might go for a ride
That used to help me clear my mind
As I drove I thought of you
That was usually soothing too
I found myself driving to a place
A location; a mental space
I end up here on nights like these
Steeped in pathos; old memories
Like so many times before
I wound up at this particular door,
Next to a window, empty, alone
From where our lights had previously shone
It's dark inside, you've moved away
I stare at that door, a forgotten stray
When I think back, I can remember a day
A day of snow, skies cloudy and gray
But credit where credit is due,
Most of what I remember is you.
That look in your eyes,
Your hair that brunette hue,
And the conversation we had,
Between just me and you.
You told me I was wrong,
Reiterated your love.
Gave me the shoe
That fit like a glove.
I asked for the proof, as the skeptic I am
But that proof, sadly, is still on the lam.
I told you, "I'm leaving, I told you I would,
If you want me to stay, say why I should."
Your response surprised me,
"What do you want me to say?"
Do I have to tell you?
Say you want me to stay!
I said, "******* nothing." The clock went dead;
It moved again, not a word being said.
While what I said may seem cruelly put,
It also seems the shoe fits the other foot.
An eternity passed in that grain of sand
Now I eat crow for taking my stand
Time has passed, how much, who knows?
But that's how everyone's story goes

I'm clearly so forgettable
To me it's SO regrettable
That I go from ear to ear
This is my worst fear

When we're gone and dust
It seems we're just lust
Not needed, not wanted
And destined to be the one that's haunted

Never be the one
Like I am
Accept that you're naught
Like I am

I'd FIGHT I'd struggle and bleed
To be not him

But here I am
The aging fading memory

Riding on fantasy
Out on the open sea
Learn what I can
from my own delusion

Imagination runs around
Dizzy from all this
Heavy ground
Found the wrong solution

Leave me alone
Let me fail on my own

I don't need your opinion
On where I went wrong
I've known all along

A see what I can see
Learn what I can earn

I seem to have lost my interest
In your personal confidence

I'm not sure what I said but I'm sure I regret it
Can't remember what you did but I know you won't forget it

Today was great!
I learned something
I spoke to my most precious
I was berated
I was downgraded
I was hated
Hurt my own feelings
Heard my own feelings
It was a terrible day

I achieved
I perceived
I...... Leaved
Perhaps she was write
Maybe I'm *****
I can definitely attest
Even put to the test
I don't give a ****
And don't blame it on luck

I believe I am finally beginning to understand
The pathetic absolution of man

But I still stand

Recognize your indiscretion, take this lesson
What you threaten
Is my life, I'm guessing
You don't know what would happen
When I stand up speak out and
Mirror your aggression

I'll allow you your holy war
Until it knocks on my door
Then all you've been fighting for
Will be splattered on the floor

You're loud and proud
But you're just a crowd
Push the envelope and pressure
Force my hand to your own detriment

This is not about you
It's about me, what I see
It's about my family
It's about being free
**** your fantasy

I'm not alone
I'm not afraid
I'm coming in hot
Get your graveyard *****

Bring your stick
Since you can't walk quietly
I'll be waiting
I am your enemy

I am the arbiter of the center
See that we are legion
Rethink your challenge
Lest it is accepted

I have finally found
The pinnacle
Loneliness without being lonely
I have friends, family
Yet here I am
It ******* kills me
They have their lives
And I have mine
And I can finally draw the line
I was a distraction
Perhaps a distraction
From my own mind

I'm not sure they realize
And I would hate to jeopardize
This illusion
That they see me...
But only my contribution

Today the clock reset
On my personal sign
Showing how many days
It's been since I wanted to die

I know I don't. I know it.
But God ******
I sure wish I could show it

Boundaries
I suppose
Are as useful
As memories

Alone
Is
As
Good
As
We
Perceive

MR

There was a time when I trusted myself
I trusted my conscience
And my mental health
At some point I, unbeknownst to me
Became suspicious of that clarity
I look in the mirror from the corner of my eyes
And if I had the choice I wouldn't believe my lies

If there is a God he's not in my life anymore
You saved me, gave me strength to change
I need you to stay
I need you to say
You'll be here with me forever
Pull off my mask
Let your hair down
Show me I am my own savior