I came to see you today
In a nice cream dress
Belted at the waist.
You took one look at me
Smiled and got up.
Hugged me and held me
Told me I looked beautiful,
kissed me and pushed me
Against the wall as you touched me
Took my breath away.
You pulled away and said
You just couldn't help it.
I had a silly smile on my face
You walked me home,
Hand in hand.
We took the scenic route
You didn't want the day to end
Fingers entwined
you kissed me goodbye.
Am wearing the smile now
That you left me with.

I'm here for you
Whenever you need me
I do everything I can
To make sure you're alright
but I need you.
There's a battle in my heart
And in my head
It's tearing me apart
and I need you
You said you're here for me
But you rarely are when I need it most
And it kills me
I need you.
But it's the same with everyone
I'm the friend who helps them up when they fall
But as I'm slowly slipping
There's no one there to catch me
Please prove you're different
I need you
I'd never admit it to anyone else
For I hate feeling vulnerable
I hide behind a mask of strength
But solitude kills me
I need you
I'm willing to let you in
Let my guard down and open up
Just don't let my image fool you
Don't leave me
*because I need you

how strange, the cloudy kindness
of the graveyard and its limbs,


and how different, earth
and any room must be,


darkened with the lust
and cheerless shapes


of people, who believe
everything they think.


so we sleep in hope, for a place
of hours flushed with health,


when new seasons mean
remembering, those seasons


when you no longer
missed home all the time


and wondered
where it went.

listen, the world has changed plenty since you've last shown your face around here. nowadays, a name is the last thing we learn, if we ever do learn it. flirting is boring, death is a dinner topic, happiness is strange. pain is good. things taste backwards -- but oh, do they feel sweet. love and crime no longer compete for the gold: guess what sweetheart, they've got it, and they're sleeping together.


oh come on, don't look at me like that.


you've always underestimated your own heart, you know. and mine, for that matter. you can get away with a lot of things with a heart now -- i suppose that's another thing that's changed. remember how we used to be under its mercy? remember how we couldn't cope with the traffic of our bodies until it finally sighed some soft, silly sentence?


how long have you been gone, anyway?


no, no, that's not how it works. it isn't really a question of whether i missed you or not. that word doesn't mean anything anymore. it's become quite the popular prop. i don't have a word for what it's been like while you were--


what? what do you mean i've changed? if there's anyone who's changed it's you! i haven't changed for the sake of entering this world: look, darling, we're all thieves of space and time, and i'm just one of many trying to survive.


but...yes, i do suppose those days were nice. in their own way. when we were buried treasure. when closeness was something you had to earn first.


hey, you're smiling.


i'm not kidding -- you really are. should i stop?


well, i can't say i imagined you'd be back here again.


you want to know something, though? alright, i'll tell you.


if there's one thing i'm glad hasn't changed at all, it's how we wake up. it doesn't matter what happened hours ago. forget about what your skin remembers. can you believe it, we still manage to wake up! after all this!


i think a lot of it has to do with how competitive, how scared everyone feels. because after that, even after that, there's still that pleasant feeling of shared space. and then the silent sunrise. and then the beautiful morning.


i know.


i know, i know.


and yeah, you're still smiling.

you were never one for a proper greeting, were you? always paying attention to what was going on with the person in front of you, without recognizing the fact that you were next. life wasn't a one-man show then, and it certainly isn't now. but your drowsiness has long gone -- i almost didn't recognize you. and your carefulness -- i can see that's gone, too. you know what C whispered to me when i first saw you across this room? "there he goes, handling his women like he does his guns." i believed that. so don't talk to me about love and crime and money. the world has always tasted backwards to me.


oh please, i've been looking at you this way for years. only this time i don't have the excuse of it being spring. i haven't felt a proper spring since. i haven't -- [fingers drum in hesitation.]  i haven't felt anything since.


i said i haven't felt anything since -- i still remember everything that happened. and you're right, i'm getting away with it just fine. how nice, to finally be able to look at someone without all that gravity happening in you!


looking outside, it feels like i've been gone for far too long, but being in here -- i don't think i've been gone long enough. [clears throat.] did you miss me, darling?


you've changed.


i know. we're both thieves -- we can only ever be thieves, don't you understand? i'm not afraid of what you've done or what you've stolen to still be here. to be speaking to me, to be breathing before me. to be like -- like this. [right hand reaches toward sleeve but wilts on the countertop, a few inches away.] i want to know what you've hidden. it happens every year. think about it: it's almost winter. it's almost time for you to start distancing yourself from everyone around you. those sad things you do, those sad things we both do, they never happen in  the spring...spring is when winter surrenders it all. spring is when the bodies start to show up. autumn is dying, winter is dead, spring is when we have to clean it all up. but spring is when the light hits them just right and they look almost -- almost beautiful. not beautiful in what they were, but beautiful in their decay. beautiful that they're on their way to becoming...well, becoming no longer. ah, wasn't spring such a nice feeling?


that's precisely what i mean. so what is it you're burying from me now? why not tell me now? i'll never be younger than i am at this moment. what about now? i might just drive into the winter with you. [smiling.]


what? [stops smiling.]


i...i don't have time for this. he's waiting for me outside.


i can't say i imagined this, either.


[leans closer in silence.]


sounds to me like you still might be asleep there, yourself. [leans away, smiling.]


oh, what would you know about beautiful mornings? you were never awake to appreciate them! no matter how hard i nudged you.


you were always so tired then.


terrible. [turns away.] and so warm. [smiling.]


...i know. we both are.

to me, winter is cinnamon.
dotted ceilings make me itch.
5pm tells me "sleep" -- then
yellow fills me with "home".


there is something about you
that smells a lot like January.
a lot like blinking and train tickets.
sometimes i look at you and think
about the lazy curls of y's and g's
after they've been sleeping so long on
December's hardwood floors.  


and i don't know how else to say it.
is there a word for "waking up
with bruises by a lover
who was never
there"?


what about that kaleidoscope feeling?
how you unfold all over the place
when i turn inward.
at times nonsense.
at times ugly.


a lot like sea salt on dry land,
and fireworks that bloom
in the middle of the day.

She always tasted like chocolate
when I kissed her, my Lily-eyed little girl.
Barbie and I shared similar names:
Tour-Guide-Daddy
Kitchen-Cook-Daddy
Girly-Laugh-Daddy
“I-Love-You-Daddy.

Dress up was an inevitable responsibility,
I was a dutiful mannequin who never stopped smiling.
Explaining to the chief my forgotten pig tails at work
had her giggling right into my arms
My little Lily. She could babble faster than a brook
and skip faster than a stone

Angels don’t truly die.
Our Lazy Boy “Rocky Road” still smells like chocolate
The creek by my station speaks just like her.
Lilies are flowers for the saddest of occasions
though they won’t ever be ignored.
Dressing myself feels foreign and I occasionally indulge in pig tails.
I am still her mannequin but my smile is no more.