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101 · Aug 2019
Confused
Ana Habib Aug 2019
I am so very confused right now
I don’t know if I should hold on or let go
I don’t believe in signs
I believe in second chances, but the outcome is usually the same
I get hurt
He may hurt but never shows it
I wish I knew how to do that
Why do we all want the things we cannot have
Why can’t this be enough
knowing that things have changed
We have changed
We have grown up
Time has passed
But something still feels the same
The same old sadness when you leave
The same old panic when you avoid me
The same old anger when you go on asking too many questions
Apologies aren’t enough
The words are stale
The sincerity comes off sounding phony
So whats left?
101 · Nov 2020
Break It
Ana Habib Nov 2020
You played me right from the start
A game that you have won too many times
too cocky to care about the consequences
Our eyes met and I started seeing stars right away
It lit the way for me to you
But I now wish I knew what was waiting for me in the end
I gave you my heart the during the walk
Too soon
I will admit that I did not know what I was doing
just felt like it was the right thing to do
I curse my self
For my own foolishness
But you knew what you were doing
Was that the plan
String me along
Tighten the noose
Till I can’t think straight?
You chipped away at it
Day and night
With that disarming smile
Playful stares
Kind words
Words of tainted affection
That never meant anything
All of it a ploy
For what?
A friends phone number?
Answers to the final
Help I would have given it you
But why this?
Hurting
But don’t leave me bleeding
Break my heart
All of it
So that I can’t feel again
Not all the good things anyways
You got under my skin and now your leaving
I will be sure return the pain
The poison
Unannounced
Just when you feel like you’re the king of the world
Everything's going your way
Let it blind you
Devour you
Bring you to your knees
I promise
100 · Dec 2019
Through the Lens
Ana Habib Dec 2019
She looks like a vision
Wispy blond hair
Kohl lined eyes
Red stained lips
Signature beauty mark right above the lip
She is still
There is no friendly chatter this morning
No baked goods
Silly jokes
She is still
She has a smile on
But something feels off
I know my job is to take pictures
But I can sense unease
She blows something invisible out of the way
Strikes one pose after the other
A smile here
a tiny laugh there
Graceful in a black off the shoulder gown
Bare back
Fingers gripping material
She smiles at me
But all I can see is sadness
A woman suffering from indescribable anguish
She is too proud to talk about her worries
But I can see that she is breaking through the lens
99 · Nov 2020
Cravings
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Did you come back just to hurt me again?
Had some unfinished business
I didn’t know about
Do you want to capture the hurt look on my face one last time
Couldn’t get it right last time
That was 4 months ago
So your doing it again
This soiree wasn’t my idea
But every one thought you would like it
Welcome home
You look different
You keep on staring at women across the room
Like their prey
But when my eyes fall on you
Your ready to jump out of your skin
alabaster skin
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Is the room spinning too?
Can you hear their heartbeats?
You look like your dying
laughing
then ready to cry
The music's too loud
Is it hurting your head yet?
Don’t worry the lights will go out soon
The music will drown away too
we will finally be alone
to talk
to feel
99 · Aug 2019
Details
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Details are so important
But we are usually too much in a rush to even care
We only want to look at the big picture
Profit or Loss
Good or Bad
Nice or Mean
Lust or Commitment
It all comes down to two choices
To succeed or to fail
to work things out or abandon it
But no one cares about the details
her favorite flower
His choice of coffee brew
The significance of lemon scented aftershave
what july 25 may mean to someone
sapphire birthstones
white roses
purple balloons
Hershey kisses
The details are endless but usually mean something
Why do we only pay attention to then when the end is near
when words become scarce
Why do we take such comfort in the meaning of things
when the story is over
when a loved one has already departed
98 · Nov 2020
Stuck
Ana Habib Nov 2020
No more pink lenses
To try on
Memory after memory
Plays on
déjà vu
Leaves behind
Bittersweet
Felings
Time
Stretches
Further
Feelings arise
Love
Loss
Emptiness
Aching
Cant get rid of it
The heart
Warms up
Freezes
But
always
In constant pain
98 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Ana Habib Dec 2019
I am ashamed of these tears
I continue to make mistakes
I continue to not understand
I learn things the hard away
I try to love you in my own way
Its messy
It doesn’t always make sense
It can be loud and obnoxious
Sometimes even annoying
The last few days were hard
I was tough on you
Only because I saw potential
Only because I was trying to spare you from a type of pain
But when I try to help
You push me away
You scowl
You frown
You feel pressured
I cant help someone who thinks he doesn’t need any help
He thinks that everything will always just fall into place
I cane make you see that your wrong
You cant even dream of being wrong because of pride ego and tradition
You always need to be right!
I cant bring myself to apologize now
I feel small for trying to do the right thing
You wont even acknowledge me
I know I am not like you
I know we are both different
But sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you
I don’t know where we are going
I don’t know how this will end
98 · Nov 2020
The Watcher
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I have loved you
Long before you had acquired all of this
The responsibility
The great reputation
The love
The popularity
The good name
I know we are different
The only peoples I have only known
Are the kind who are out always out to hurt others
They look out for themselves first
Then hurt others
Most of the time
for pleasure
A sick sadistic kind of pleasure
Then I met you
Different from the rest
You want to do whats right
You always put other peoples needs before your own
Rarely care about your own
You wear your heart where others can see it
I saw it as well
Realized that is where I wanted mine to be
Warmed up
Next to yours
98 · Aug 2019
The 11th Hour
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Maybe he is just running late
Its way past 12
The candles still burn bright
The food is not yet cold
The wine is crisp
I am here alone dressed to ****
But a party one is no fun

He promised He wouldn’t be late tonight
Its so quiet in here that I can hear myself think
My thoughts are really uncomfortable too
He knew this was important

I had some things to tell him
Now before its too late and I really change my mind
I probably wont I can’t deceive him
Not again

Time is running out
I am living on borrowed time
I am ready to leave
I have made my peace
Did practically everything on my bucket list
Kissed my relatives and wrote my parents letters
Graduated, worked to make a difference
Loved and Lost
But Now I have to leave

I hope he comes home soon
I want to see him, talk to him one last time
Before these eyes close
97 · Nov 2020
Crippled
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I cant say your name out loud
It makes everything seem too real
I leave the room whenever someone brings you up as a conversation starter
I stop what I am doing someone feels the need to swap my smile for a wounded look by intentionally saying something hurtful
I cant stare at mirrors for too long
I am not sure who I will see in the morning
I dress up to go out but I don’t even make to the second block because my thoughts turn to you
I tell myself today's the day that I'm finally going to finish a project that I started but it moves along so slowly
I think I will finally be able to get behind the wheel but all I end up doing is sitting still not sure what to do or where to go
something is just missing
I think I will finally be able to do without the pills just to get through another day
But I am wrong
Once night time comes along
I stop pretending
My energy seeps away
My motivation evaporates
My composure crumbles
My peace is no more
97 · Oct 2018
Towers
Ana Habib Oct 2018
Towers
I know I should not be here
Its late, its cold and my stomach has started singing 10 minutes ago
The flashlight might give out soon and my backpack feels like a mass of rocks
Not to mention my so called brave companion looks like he might pass out soon
I cannot turn back just yet
I am in search of her…
I am searching for a maiden
Not my ex or my lover
But a maiden that chooses to stay locked up in a tower
Stop that laughing!
Its not Rapunzel.. she was just a man’s imagination
No this maiden is real
She must be in her mid twenty’s by now
She loves books, music, birds, writing and dance
I am not sure what why she picked to stay in a tower
It is very tall but looks very lonesome
Everyone needs to get away I suppose
But I hope she is not the suicidal type
Nah, she is too pretty for that
She is charming, beautiful, young and has so much to live for
I need to find her
She could do so much more once she comes down that tower
Picking berries riding horses and fighting the cold does not sound that great or romantic
The tower is still quite far from here but I know I should be there before 11pm
Its 8 right about now
I hope she will like the books of sketches and poetry I have bought along for her
I know she sketches alot
I hope she likes me
Ignore the snickering behind me – my friend thinks that I am a fool for doing this but no one should be living in isolation without any working wifi or warm enough clothing
I wonder what her voice sounds like
What her first words will be
I have thought about this meeting for months
The locals are fine but there is something different but her
She has soft looking features but her eyes show honey colored determination
She has a willowy frame but can walk and run for miles
Her laugh is contagious but I hope she won’t be frowning at me
It wont be long now
The tower is not very far
I can see it
A long dark thing in the middle for green grass and dead looking trees
No fruits flowers or birds in sight
Its strangely quiet
I can hear my friend breathing
I quicken my pace
I feel tired but I push my self to make it to that tower, up those stupid stairs and to her
Stand tall look into her eyes and convince her to leave
I am finally here
I don’t bother to look behind me
I smile and search for the door
A mossy looking door that doesn’t look very strong
I use my very last bit of strength and get it to open
The stairs to my relief are not very long or circular
There is music coming from above
My feet ache but I make my way above
It smells strongly of flowers and decaying flesh
I ignore this and keep walking
The music is getting louder
I smile and finally walk in
Too see a room filled with twinkling lights, candles and something brewing in the fire place
The music has stopped…
But there is no there
She isn’t here
Before I can react, something flies in the air and hits me in the face
A scented scrap of pink cloth
“Your too late”
97 · Nov 2020
Dreams
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The day will go on like it should
Buzzing with activity and anticipation
Tension and loss
I wait impatiently for night fall
Blue will blanket the sky
Stars will glitter like jewels
The moon will look on
Light the way for the lost
Dreams come alive at a time like this
They hold everything
Happiness pain joy
Secrets of the soul
I long to dream
The only time I ever see you
Just the way I remember you
25 and not a day older
Your eyes search for something
Your smile contains all the joy in the world
The air whispers
I cannot make out all of it
I am not sleeping
My head is too full with thoughts of you
But I do not want to wake up from this
the only time you are ever this close to me
just not close enough to hold
something separates us still
you look at me
still wearing that smile
holding out your hands my way
coming a step closer
I move
Just not fast enough
I watch you disappear
Again
96 · Oct 2019
Can you hear it
Ana Habib Oct 2019
My heart breaks every day
It aches just a little more
but no one can hear it
nor feel it
He goes on with his day
I go on with mine
96 · Nov 2020
Probation
Ana Habib Nov 2020
So tell me why I am here again
What crime have I really committed
Ankle bracelets turn you off
So you opted for a watch
It must be on my wrist all day long
I thought it was sweet you remembered my birthday
But you really shouldn’t have gotten me anything
Really!
I am practically under house arrest
You never let me go out
There's a **** curfew too
I can be out from 8-6pm
What!
The world goes to **** at 6:01pm?
I cant socialize with my friend
Absolutely no partying
No get togethers
No opportunities to rake in extra cash
You can stop sending in the envelopes
They get fatter every week
Sometimes its grass
Otherwise its snow
Sell your own stuff
Self respect
I don’t know what that is anymore
I have to be at your beck and call
I have to answer at the second ring
Doesn’t matter what I am doing
Where I am at
All the msgs have to read and recorded
Every expense has to be accounted for
My diet consists on what you think is right
My baths and showeres are timed
To conserve water? I don’t think so
No extra minutes on my life plan
Not even over the weekend
You say that you care
You say all you want to do is protect?
Me?
Yourself?
Your steps?
Your double life?
Your methods are so wrong
The uniform still fits
Will you spoon feed me next?
Put on a password for the tv?
Its late and I am tired
I stay awake on nights
Wondering if you’re a man
Or a monster
Thank gods my mom’s dead
No ones here to really see any of this
You still continue to fool everyone
Patrol car
Fancy badge
Aviators
The laws in this house are corrupt
I don’t know how my brain hasn’t rotted from all this by now
96 · Nov 2020
Running
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Running out of time
Running out of excuses
yet these words will always linger on my breath
I still love you
95 · Nov 2020
Visiting Hours
Ana Habib Nov 2020
It won’t be long now
He has only got a few more minutes
An hour at best
The crazy juice finally did him in
His liver is rotting
His memories get incinerated
Night by night
One snippet at a time
The anger does not show
The bitterness is not there
In his eyes
The jealousy and pettiness
No longer burns bright
It has dwindled down to a single tiny flame
It will go out soon
I feel that I should say sorry
For being a bad son
For not not spending enough time with him
But I always sent him my second paycheck
For not being near him
I was always trying to save lives
But I can’t save him now
I want to say something
Some kind of a final goodbye
But I can’t bring myself to walk into the room
It smells of feces and failure
The rest of my siblings are all in there
One sitting still
Two staring at each other
Three staring into the light of their cellphones
I am adopted
So its different
My presence doesn’t really make a difference
Last I heard he looked tired
Defeated
Already gone
So I guess it’s OK that I am already making my way home
95 · Feb 2019
Giving Up
Ana Habib Feb 2019
I think Its time I give up
You are nice
there is no doubt about
but there is a saying
nice guys finish last
I believe nice guys do not go very far in life
its such a shame
I deserve better
no not in terms of looks money or degree
love actually
I should not have to plead for your love
fragments of your time
sprinkled with affection and meaningful bits of advice
I will no longer hound you with my attempts at romance
my last minute plans for us to spend time together
God knows how much I prayed for "us" to work out
God knows how many tears I have spilled over you
yeah you love me but you aren't sure how to show it
well guess what, you don't have to show anything anymore
Gone are the days where I pestered you to bring something to the table
asked you repeatedly to inject life into our dead relationship
I have learned the cold and hard way that maybe you wont change your ways not because you are stubborn
or do not care
no that's not it
you just think that there is nothing wrong with us
well I am not going to be a bother again
Go on with your day and play your roles
Maybe I will stop feeling
Maybe with time my mind will shift away from the grainy pictures of us
of the way you treated me
even though you claimed that to be your "very best"
I realize now it comes down to me
I am not unfamiliar to being alone
I will relish all the days I have left
94 · Nov 2020
No cure tonight
Ana Habib Nov 2020
So another day ends
I Lay awake
the wind howls
finger like branches knock at the windows
I feel lonelier then usual
cinnamon offers very little comfort
but she's fast asleep in her fuchsia coloured doggy bed
the though of filling my insides up with rosy liquid in the harsh light of the television seems depressing
I need something stronger
meditation is off the table
I finished the last of my cigarettes
forgot the lavender oil and bubble bath
on purpose, I think
there is no one to hold me in the midst of all the bubbles and soft glow of tea lights
no one to hold my hands as I am curled up in something of yours with my hair in curlers
just talking about insignificant things
silly things
the small things
I miss it
the sound of your voice
the feel of your touch
your scent
I know you will never come to the phone
you have stopped paying attention to my messages
is it more time that you need?
or have you already made up your mind?
94 · Aug 2019
Where do I go from here?
Ana Habib Aug 2019
You know on my here I practiced all that I was going to say to you tonight

But now that I am actually here I forgot everything that I am suppose to say

I love you
but you would hear it differently this time

I am sorry
but you would think that I am lying and that I have not learnt my lessons, I have learnt them many times over

Forgive me
You wouldn't because it sounds really hollow
But If you did then how much have you actually forgotten?

Leave Me
You want to, but your still standing still
94 · Oct 2019
Time
Ana Habib Oct 2019
I keep missing you
sometimes by a few miserable seconds
then a day
to a week
many months
and what seems like an eternity
Am I the one who is too afraid to get stung, burnt, and then slowly forgotten
I do not know what is worse
to forgot or too completely abandon
What comes first?
I suppose we sometimes do not have the choice to choose where we end up at times
So I will wait
because there is always the possibility that you will come back
maybe not today
tomorrow
or the day after
but soon
94 · Nov 2020
The Little Voice
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Can you still hear it
Every time you get up at 6 am to work a thankless permanent job for the rest of your life while he goes to the office and the kid is at school?

Can you still hear it
When you slave away at a 9-6 job at some fast food joint 6 days a week
Hoping that you'll get a raise soon because life at home is unbearable

Can you still hear it
As you work day and night to complete that bachelors degree in engineering so that you don’t have to stick around to see your father drink himself to death and your mom stressing herself out about how she is going to marry you off to someone good hearted stranger

Can you still hear it
As you come home to a clueless rich husband who prides himself on his work ethic and large circle of friends but still hasn’t figured out how to get close to you or make you smile after 7 years of marriage!

Can you still hear it
As you work to complete college work through night school working 2 different jobs and wonder if there is something better in store for you then staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy and was built on a promise to a dying parent or relative

Can you still hear it
As you spend another day in the hospital hoping it will be the last day of eating bland food, swallowing pill after pill, loosing more blood and living on the hope of finding a donor

Can you still hear it
As you waste another evening dressing up and putting on high heels for another boy to come see you, eat your food, whisper in his mother's ear and wait for the family to reject you because your too thin, too dark and too loud

Can you hear it
As you waste time day after day in the gym and find no joy in bulking up but would much rather be spending time handling paint, clay and ink

Can you hear it
As you wipe your tears and wonder what to feed your two babies because the cheque bounced and you wont get paid for another three days

The little voice that wants you to live for yourself and not others

The little voice that wants you to follow your heart and not live based on people’s opinions

The little voice that demands that you not settle for average and for something that you truly want instead

The little voice that screams that you deserve better

The little voice that yells that you shouldn’t stifle your dreams for others comfort, or false appearances

Find that voice before it turns into a whisper
93 · Feb 2018
Home
Ana Habib Feb 2018
Is there only one way to describe what it means to be home?
Some say a house is only a home if there is a mother to talk to at the end of the day
Others believe that a house is only complete if the silence is replaced with a child’s laughter and barking dogs
But to me home means coming to you
Your eyes serve as the windows to show me all that is beautiful in the world
To gain sight of all that I am still ignorant about
Your body serves as the four walls to protect me from the unknown dangers that permeates the air
Shield me from thunder and rain
Save me from the dark and bad dreams
Your arms serve as the door to protect all that is important including my honor
Your heart serves as the room inside this house
A room for one
Where the walls are papered with memories of us
The floors are made from all that flowers you have given me
The furniture built from our dreams and desires
Electricity runs on your love for me
So I hope it never goes out
The best part is that only I have the key
So pucker up and let me in!
93 · Oct 2019
Not There
Ana Habib Oct 2019
I have tried your phone multiple times already
Sends me straight to voicemail
Sorry but I cant come to the phone right now too busy saving the world
It makes me laugh every time but then all I am left with worry and stress
The sky is getting darker and rain is the only music I can hear right now
The buildings stand tall with hundreds of busybodies
Most of the lights are still on
Some go home at 5
Others stay the night
Many choose to forget their worldly problems, so they invite trouble
Give her a key and wads of cash in all the colours of the rainbow
Skip the small talk and slip off the dress
Close the blinds and put on the blindfold
Grab her by the hair and work that mouth
Give her something to work on
Again, again and again
Until he is the one feeling alright
She will be wiping off the lipstick
Careful not to get any on his clothes
I will try you phone again
One last time
Sorry but I cant –
93 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Ana Habib Sep 2019
Maybe he is going to be like this
granted that he is older then me
I didn't think we would end up here
we were born in two different parts of the world
he from a middle class background
I happen to be above that
But no I am not the selfish rich brat the media and my aunts make out to be
I should point out that I am kind, down to earth, resourceful and trusting
He is smart, good looking, well spoken and generous in his ways
But very aloof and completely absent minded
not just during times of stress or commotion
But i am beginning to think that he will forever be like this
means well but jumbles up his words
needs peace and privacy but cannot say no to others
Nice but too obedient
shallow, and becoming increasingly stubborn these days
Men will always have the upper hand but he just happens to also be the oldest
I was born to an librarian with a lot of ancestral land
my daddy went up the ladder thanks to handwork and the right contacts
I cant say i hate him because i don't
I cant day he is a bad man because he really isn't
But there is a lot missing
talking to him has become painfully boring
we say only what needs to be said
Our routines are different
so different, that sometimes we don't see each other for months
which suits me just fine because I don't think that either one of us misses the other
93 · Oct 2019
Untitled
Ana Habib Oct 2019
I know we are not on talking terms right now
because of some of the things you said
because of some of the things I said
I love you with all that I have
But I am unable to talk to you
It hurts
But I cant tell you that
I am sorry
But I cant tell you that either
You wont even look at me
I am not sure how to act around you
Instead I am sitting here trying to rationalize all of this
Anger in normal
Stress is normal
Reflection is important and needed
But this hurt
A lot!
92 · Sep 2019
No Sleep
Ana Habib Sep 2019
Wherever I go, and whatever I end up reading late at night always talk about a restful night of sleep
In order to
find yourself
feel better
overcome depression
be more productive
become rich
feel satisfied overall
Sleep plays a big role in this
But I am so behind
It seems like I have all the problems
Feeling lost
Depressed
Sluggish and unproductive
Poor and trapped
Pills don’t do the trick
Decorative pillows, comforters and imported sheets just take up space
White noise machines, rain and thunder as well as bubbles the cat have all failed
A new ambiance with the perfect shades, proper lighting and essential oils have already done its job
Sleeping masks and silken nightwear has been added to the list
Teddies and sleep inducing pillows just lie on the floor now
Your far away and never coming back

Where did I go wrong?
92 · Nov 2020
Going Nowhere
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Walking
Running
Crawling
Sometimes in circles
All for nothing
I still have to return
To you
Your impatience
It never ends
Your arrogance
It never ends
Your anger
It never ends
Day after day
Night after night
It grows stronger
While I become weaker
How did it start?
You wont say
But I always trigger it
It’s not because you had a bad day
It’s not because some unfortunate soul passed away
Not because the bills are unpaid and lights flicker
Not because your tab at the bar is getting fatter
There is no pleasing you
Sit, bow, obey, beg
You have made me do it all
You have made me do it with a smile
My muscles ache
My tear ducts are dry
there is no pleasing you
there is no salvation
92 · Nov 2020
Far Away
Ana Habib Nov 2020
This letter like many others
Will remain unopened
Will go unaddressed
You could be anywhere right now
Not dead but always in a different spot
Cooped up in a car
Sitting under palm trees sipping on gin cocktails
Lounging in a hammock by the sea
Resting on a massage table as fingers dig into flesh
Lying on a bed of imported fur by the fire
While she slips into something a little more comfortable
Something that you can take off with a cheese knife
Looking into the face of another paid for the hour girl
Small but long legged
Tanned but *****
Tracing the apple of her cheekbones
Thinking about the lips below
Telling lies one after the other
Such beautiful lies dipped in money and wine
My hard-earned money and your wine
May it run out soon
Let her keep your shirt the next morning and my old phone number
I know you will never seek her out again
But why do you still look for something that you’ve lost so long ago?
It cannot be found in your precious vineyards
The office
The extravagant parties full of pretty little nobodies
You turn into somebody by a getting a taste of fruit that hasn’t been plucked yet
Your empty little glass condo with the mini bar and huge bed
A bad investment but so you were thrilled at the idea of a water filled bed
I could never say no to you but I should have cut you off long ago
I did what I could all in the name of love
I let you into the all the corners of my heart
My house
My family
My babies
My business
All for what?
A set of keys in the end
The same gorgeous view
And no news of you
92 · Oct 2019
No Name
Ana Habib Oct 2019
Is it just another episode of stress induced fatigue
Is it jet lag
Can this be the beginning of another cold or the flu
I hear that everyone is getting sick now
I do not look my best
I certainly feel even worse
It is not laziness because I would get annoyed of feeling that after some time
This feels different
I don’t actually want to do anything
I am perfectly fine of just remaining still right now
I do not want to anyone near me
I do want to hear voices
Right next to me
Or from a distance
I feel weird
Tired almost but I know I wont be sleeping
Anxious but still at the same time
Quiet but my mind is racing
My thoughts continue to crash with one another
My throat feels dry
There is so much that needs to be said
But I cant find the effort or the strength to talk right now
Maybe all I need is a good cry
But even that’s not happening
The day passed by in a blur but I know that night wont be so merciful
91 · Aug 2019
Is that You
Ana Habib Aug 2019
The one who disturbs me in more ways I would like to admit to the world
To my own psychologist even
The one who disturbs my sleep
Real sleep, the kind with no dreams, or nightmares night after night
The one responsible for unexplained aches, full time confusion and a type of pain
I think it is in my head somewhere and refuses to subside
Pills, creams, therapy, potions, elixirs nothing has worked
I do not know how to keep quiet
I do not know how much longer I can continue to carry the weight of this mask
Scrape off the unhappiness and longing and replace it with a fresh smile every single day
Flutter these mascara filled lashes and look at what the world wants to me too see
But I don't really see it
You know what I mean?
It is just one act after another
You ****** away at my happiness
Every day without fail
When something good finally happens I end up feeling guilty
Like it should not be happening to me
You bask in my sadness and grief
You laugh at my frustration
You draw strength from my anger and bitterness
You tsk away at my sensitivity
You roll your eyes at my empathy

But you still refuse to go away
91 · Nov 2020
Token
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The phone is dead
the roses have wilted
the chocolate have not been touched
this was all a very nice trick
I feel empty
just like this lavish hotel suite
I feel cold
under this thin warped Bob Mackie mini dress
I am conflicted
i still haven't opened the green velvet box
maybe that will explain things
oh its just a gold Cartier necklace
you should have choked me with it while you still had a chance
it would have stopped me from feeling
from missing you
90 · Nov 2020
I Wonder
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Some Love
Others Fall in Love
Which One Was It With You?
90 · Nov 2020
From me to you
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I have never kept count of the times we have argued
Had a disagreement
Raised our voices or said something without thinking
I don't bother wasting time in settling the score
But for the first time in a long time
I am wishing that you feel what I am feeling right now
Hurt
Sad
Uncertain
Confused
I want you to feel every ounce of it
I want all the feelings to consume you
Hit you in waves
Watch your eyes well up with tears
Watch your face crumble
Your shoulders shake with grief
Your tall form shrinking
Watch you melt into the cold hard floor
Alone
In the dark
with no one to hear you
and even worse
understand you
89 · Dec 2019
Pieces
Ana Habib Dec 2019
Another day has just passed
Without a word between us
What is there to say?
There is no wall in the world strong enough to shield me from your words
Dipped in venom
Thrown around in great haste
You don’t mean it I think from time to time
But I also believe that men tell the truth when they are angry, intoxicated or plain exhausted
So which one was it yesterday?
I couldn’t smell the alcohol in your breath
Taste the sourness in your kiss
See fire in your eyes
I should be used to it by now
But I’m not
I should not be surprised by any of the things you say or do
I allow myself to get shocked
Sometimes by an unexpected act of kindness
A full minute of remorse
Or that playful smile
All of it gets swept away and forgotten once you get angry again
Is it me?
Do you see her in me?
Are there things that you wish you could have told her but couldn’t?
why do you feel the need to project all that anger, hatred and bitterness?
I can’t fix what is broken
I won’t allow myself to break either
89 · Aug 2019
No Show
Ana Habib Aug 2019
You never showed up and never bothered telling me why either
yes we are busy you more so then I but that's no reason to suddenly ghost me
It was raining and I had no umbrella
it got cold but I wore my very best
This meant something to me so I waited
For hours on end
I was not sure what would happen the moment I saw you
what we would talk about and if there would any awkward moments between us
But I still waited
Isn't it easy how quickly someone can wipe the smile of our face?
Turn hope into disappointment?
Anger into annoyance which spills onto the next day?
I am not sure if I am over-reacting here but that one's one me
I always thought you were special
89 · Nov 2020
Long Distance
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Does distance really do the heart any good?
I don't think so
I have been feeling down for days
You have been away for weeks
A common scenario for many
I shouldn’t think to much into this
But I can’t bring my self to feel angry
At your carelessness
Anger turns into tears
Cross words turns into silence
Another day will pass
My worries will heighten
It doesn’t matter what or whom I distract myself with
Thoughts of you and your well being will slowly crawl their way
into the most damaged parts of me
the parts I thought would have healed by now
a word from you would have sufficed on most days
but now I wish you were just here
88 · Aug 2019
Healing
Ana Habib Aug 2019
So you have been diagnosed as the sad young/old man or woman who has not been acting like his or herself for quite some time now
Your parents are worried
The teachers and collogues know
and peoples.. well they talk
everyone has the same thing to say
you are not acting like yourself
You keep to yourself instead of reaching out
You frown more then you smile
Your daily activities seem never ending and take up way too much time
You cant focus in class or work and find yourself staring into space more then usual
Getting outta bed and out that door is a real struggle
Hobbies do not give you happiness, peace or a sense of purpose anymore it all just sits there
You've stopped picking up the phone and answer texts only when necessary
Alone time seems more appealing then family time, bonding or date night
You've traded your expensive branded clothing and shoes for socks and sweats

All this is perfectly normal, it has happened to every one on earth
sometimes just once and never again
Sometimes every year because of life, loss, death, rejection, criticism, and no direction
for some this is it every single day for reasons they cannot understand or fully grasp
This is the new normal for many so don't beat yourself up wondering what it means to act like a normal 13 yr old, married woman, widower, divorcee, etc
don't listen and try to follow every single podcast, blog, channel and person coming your way telling you what to do with yourself and how you should live life
They all want what is best for you but we cant please everyone at the end of the day
Change takes time
healing is process that cannot be rushed
but trust that every thing will work itself out
You will smile again
even if it is a small one
both on the inside and the outside
88 · Nov 2020
Another Day
Ana Habib Nov 2020
He takes orders
Just not from women
I think
His momma does not count
She is a witch
He does not listen
Trust me, it is not because of the language barrier
He does not care about the hurt
Where it spreads
Who it infects
Things break
He turns a blind eye
Brushes everything off
Sweeps what he does not want the others too see
Under a big rug
A big ugly thing
Been there for ages
And no one is going to change it
He does not care what gets destroyed
He is not big on feelings
All the positive ones
I cannot see them anymore
The bad one always remain
Pain
Anger
Hatred
Bitterness
Selfishness
Arrogance
Self doubt
Pity
There is no end
I am forever wiping things off
Every day
But disinfectant is not going to do it anymore
There is no way to get to his heart
88 · Aug 2019
The Cure
Ana Habib Aug 2019
The cure for a break up might be
Spending time with your buddies and working on retail therapy
Working on your body and eating right
Drinking it up and meeting new people
I am not saying that its wrong or that it doesn’t work
It does and that it doesn't because no two people break down, walk away or give up on a person in the same fashion
We all had our reasons

You will still face doubts about yourself and your abilities
You will still have trouble saying no to an opportunity, friends and families
Then feeling guilty right after you have said it because all you want right now is to spend time with your self your thoughts and do all it takes to feel stable again
It will get lonely
You will feel sad and depressed on some days
There will be triggers and flashbacks
You will torture yourself with the What if game
Don't sweat it, some questions do not have an answer
There is nothing below right after you have scratched away the ****** surface
You will get upset multiple times in day
Go into denial
Wish that all that love you gave away, comes back to you
All that wasted time, energy and emotion that you did not think you had in yourself
I know it weights heavily on the heart and the mind

The trick to being normal again
To finding yourself again
Is to fall in love with more then one thing, not at the same time but gradually
Really fall in love with it
Bring out passion, optimism hope and hard work
The same things that are poured into a relationship
They could not have been all that bad if they taught you something(s)
About yourself or your body
What you deserve and what you do not need
Where your strengths lie
How to strengthen those weaknesses
You were able to rise above it all
Ultimately all on your own
So always keep your chin up
Otherwise that smile is going to be crooked
87 · Nov 2019
So is it a problem?
Ana Habib Nov 2019
Is it a problem that I sometimes can't stand people
being around them
Having always been a social person i parents do not quite understand this
they mutter to themselves, roll there eyes at me and sometimes even look at the ceiling
I cannot quite explain this but i do understand when it all started
I am OK with being this version of me
Do not get me wrong
I am not evil nor demented in anyway
I care
I help
I sympathize
But sometimes I shut down too
from the chatter of too many people in a room
too many around me
The noise
the lights
the looks
it all becomes to much sometimes
I don't care what they say about me and my so called eccentric behavior
I care more about what i think about myself
I go to sleep with my own problems i am constantly working on myself
how to remain calm in unforgiving situations
how to exert discipline when things feel overwhelming
how to stay positive but also realistic when i feel like giving up
how to avoid useless chatter toxic people and bad vibes
I prefer my own company over others
like to spend time on my own
i cant say what i am trying to avoid by doing so
Disappointment
heartbreak
or compensation for lost time
given to those who really didn't deserve it in the first place because they did not bother to stick around when I needed someone
87 · Oct 2019
Haha
Ana Habib Oct 2019
Maybe no one told you about me
I am not sorry I didn’t come with a warning or a price tag
I wont make things easy for you
I cant be persuaded like the others
I am not really searching for anything
So pursue me only if you like challenges and can deal with the consequences
No two days will be the same when you are around me
I don’t like a chase
Or cat and mouse games
It doesn’t satisfy the appetite or any of my needs
So just be honest with me at all times
Cheap words will not get me to look your way
Flashy cars, brand name clothing and unnecessary flash bores me to death
It just occupies space
Rules are fine
I can follow them most of the time
I can be a good person too
But maybe I am bad for you…
87 · Nov 2020
Monocot
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I wanted to stay home today
Take it easy
Cook in the candle light
Clean with the music on
Paint what the mind want
He wouldn’t hear it
Picked up my satchel
Dragged me by the hand
To a fair
Blazing heat
Naked shoulders
Tousled hair
Incense
I took it all in
The air smelled funny
The people looked so happy
I sniffed the drink I was holding
I lost him in the crowd
But I wasn’t worried
I found him at a kiosk
Chatting up a sticky looking thing
She had wispy hair and questionable taste in clothes
Looked so out of place
She handed him a flower
He dropped a coin in her palm
I waited till he came to me
This is for you
Looks weird but she said it will bring change your life
It will give you all the things you want the most
I laughed
Didn’t believe in all that *******
The ugly translucent thing would be just sitting on the mantle
He kissed my fingers
Even that felt off
Dropped the flower into my bag
I was ready to go home and shower
He didn’t stay the night
He left the flower by the window
It rained heavily
He got lost in the rain
His mangled body never came to me
I didn’t believe it
I didn’t talk to anyone for the next 30 days
I painted till my fingers bled
Scrubbed away till I felt clean
Drank till I saw stars
My mother called with bad news
The cat had passed on
In a pool of her own blood
I didn’t ask any questions
I showered
Let the water run till I felt pruny
Didn’t hear the bell ring
Didn’t hear the pistol fire
Didn’t Care
I toweled off and sat in front of the fridge
Eating everything in sight
Clawing into the food
It all tasted salty
The lights went out
I am alone now
I feel weird
87 · Oct 2019
Incoming
Ana Habib Oct 2019
It is happening again
The day will go on
Everything is in motion
But I am on the verge of tears
I cannot hold on to this smile for a moment longer
**** Customer Service!
86 · Aug 2019
Every One
Ana Habib Aug 2019
He is tall and speaks in riddles
He is short, curious and very optimistic
He is quiet, withdrawn but very pure
He is fair, smiley and carefree
He is nice and respects everyone along the way
He is well educated quiet and always calm
He is good looking and comes from an influential family
He is fun flirty and very charming
He is smart, an intellectual and loves books
He loves school and is a champ when it comes to sports
He can cook and juggle and paint
He loves food, fine wine and has great taste in music
He loves traveling and exploring
He is handsome artistic and very frugal
He is kind, compassionate and very forgiving
He is funny, dramatic and very generous

I have seen many men come and go
None of it works out in the end
Maybe its me
Maybe my heart is just not in the right place right now
But I always do the same thing
I always look for you in everyone else
86 · Aug 2019
Uncertainty
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Is this goodbye or another break
I cant say
You didn’t give me the chance to speak my mind
You moved your lips for some time and then it was all over
All I remember is seeing you pick up your bags and leave
There was the initial shock
Then tears
And finally numbness
I thought it was the end
The end of everything
This had to be it
There would be no more sleepless nights
Loss of appetite
A permanent smirk where my smile should be
Endless tears when I should really be wiping them away and thinking of a potential bright future
Its not so much a future anymore
Just days and more days
Which stretch out to months then years
I keep on hoping for something big
Something magical which would sweep me off my feet and blow away my problems
Something that will give me hope and remind me that there is life after heartbreak and pain
A kind of life that is worth living
Not something that you read in the newspaper or hear about on the news
One bad decision leading to 10 more and another 10 leading to death
No I want a life filled with thoughts memories and stories that I may tell to the upcoming generations of people
A life surrounded with people I actually want to be with and not pretend to like them because that’s the right thing to do
A life where every day is more of an adventure and not so much just an agenda
I know I have plenty to live for and so much to explore and later understand
But there is no one there
My hands are still cold
Your side of the bed empty
Everything is a show
And my soul feels incomplete
85 · Nov 2018
Packing
Ana Habib Nov 2018
The room is a mess
The lightbulb needs to be changed
I also dropped his favorite bottle of cologne earlier
I guess its appropriate for the occasion
Something to remember him by
I just know I cant stay here anymore
“You are leaving because you deserve better” the voice in my head shrieks
How does one pack away five years of her life in one worn out leather case?
The tickets and passes stare back at me
What do I take and leave?
Diary….clothes… Shoes…jerky..energy drinks…
What about the dried up rose from our wedding night?
Thin stack of letters we wrote to each other long before Facebook and messenger got in the way?
There is space for that!
I throw in paperwork that documents that peter has given up his powder addiction
Information on all the court mandated anger management classes that he has been attending behind my back
He is getting better.. Just like he promised..
“But he will hurt you again” she says mockingly
I Can’t throw out the ring or chain I am wearing
“Sell it! She whispers.. You’ll be needing the money…”
“Sell his watches, baseball cards, and all the glittery crap in the room she continues
Take the key and the secret stash behind the bed”
I hurriedly packed everything
My fingers tremble just slightly
“Your doing the right thing” she croons in my head
My eyes burn
There is no time wipe away the tears
He will be here soon…
84 · Jul 2019
Dont know what to call it
Ana Habib Jul 2019
I can feel it again
Even as I am sitting here flipping through flashy magazines and sipping on a match green tea with cinnamon powder no milk and two ice cubes
In a room painted a lovely lavender and pristine looking furniture
I look like peace and serenity
My hairs down and it feels great to be out my skin tight work clothes
Funny enough my mind is not at peace
I want to smile but I cant
My face will become a crumbling mess in a few minutes
I quickly set the foam coloured cup down on the glass table before me
My hands feel tingly and ball up into fists
Dont know why
I am not angry
No
I feel a great wave of sadness
It makes me so uncomfortable I want go hide
But I cant
I throw the magazine onto the pale coloured thing at my feet which looks like animal fur
That helped a little
I am frozen in place and my feet feel like they have pins and needles stuck to them
I quickly wipe away the tears but cant do anything about the giant ball lodged in my throat
I'm going to think of happy thoughts
Of a good day
I hope this goes away soon I have a meeting soon
My face is not made up but red eyes and blotchy skin is not pretty
It will raise questions and I don't need that
I try to calm my self down by counting to 30
I feel something again
Something rising from the pit of my stomach and making its way up my throat
Is it anger? Frustration? Anxiety? Panic?
I cannot say, I am fully prepared for the meeting, all my papers are in order and my phone is tucked away in my small purse
But why cant I shake this feeling away
Will I be able to walk to the door, and smile and get on with it?
I don’t know but whatever it is I hope it goes away
Come back after 6 I will be full of cheap wine and brisket
I will deal with you then
84 · Aug 2019
You
Ana Habib Aug 2019
You
You felt like home
83 · Nov 2020
Conversation
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Do you still love him she asked?
Yes my mind screamed
I could not meet her eyes
So I stared into my food
Toying with it
Carving your name in it
Can you forget him she pressed on sipping on coffee
I secretly wished it would scald her tongue
No I cant
The more I try to forget
The more I remember
Was it because I still loved you
Or was it because of the mistakes I made
Unintentionally
Unstable
Had no ground to stand on
Mistakes I cant undo
Mistakes I cant fix
Mistakes I cant walk away from
I still carry the weight of them
Heavy from guilt pain and confusion
Its caged up in my chest
But some day that will break
Skin and brittle bones are not enough to hold everything in
I sleep with the pain
Wake up to it
Tried to embrace it with words of wisdom
Smother it with distractions
Heal it with time
But everything failed
The cage will break
Everything will come
But will I find peace in the end?
83 · Aug 2019
Not over you
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Not over You

I am going to be completely honest with my self right now
I never got over you
The timing was terrible
We were clearly young and dumb
I didn’t want to let you go, ever  
I had to go because I no longer had a place
My mind was scrambled and I didn’t know who or what to believe
But I loved you with all that I had even if it was not enough

Our first meeting, I will always be happy it took place
It taught a lot about myself
What I deserve
What I don’t need in my life
It showed me that I was capable of loving someone in many different ways
It brought me out of my shell
It showed me what true love is all about
It gave me patience
It boosted my confidence
It taught me plenty about sacrifice and compromise
It taught me how to go with the flow of things and that some events don’t go as planned
The unplanned outings and moments are worth cherishing
It taught me how to care for another
How to nurture their spirit
How to stand by him/her
Hold hands and share secrets and walk the same path
It helped me grow up and ask for exactly what I deserve and nothing less

I am sorry for how things ended
I am sorry for all the damage that we both suffered because of our own mistakes, mistrust and change in heart
I am sorry for breaking you when I loved you the most and vowed to never leave your side
I will not forget and I do not know how much to forgive
But forgive yourself
Forgive me,

Yes, I am better person because of you but I am still not over you
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