Emitted from Ruby lips
Or barely there gloss
A silent chuckle
A mischievous snicker
A cute giggle
Embarrassing snort
Excited chortle
I met her today
We exchanged pleasantries
Reminisced
I could still her make laugh
But was surprised at what came out
It was short
Almost forced
A brittle laugh
I almost expected her to shiver
like someone who is running out of breath
running out of hope
I wonder what happened

Sorry’s and Thankyou’s

When I came into this world, the first thing I saw was your face with your skin glistening, hair plastered with your forehead, but you still smiled for me

That’s where it all started

When the nurse broke our embrace and took you away from me. I tried to cling on to you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

When everyone thought it was a best to leave me in a box that made weird noises, I cried out for you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

The first time you brought me home and held me close, I cried for three days straight
I am sorry for that mom

You gave me the bottle and I rejected it immediately ruining your clothes and sense of confidence.
I am sorry for that mom

You paced around the house and sung endless lullabies for no extra charge it only annoyed me
I am sorry for that mom

You let the house turn into a mess and stopped attending work so that I get proper sleep and function
Thank you for that mom

You gave up your social life so that you could spend more time with me
Thank you for that mom

You stopped going to see your parents and siblings so that I could take my first steps, say my first word and eat right
Thank you for that mom


You would go into a panic every time my cries got more urgent and my scream more louder
Thank you for that mom

You would lose sleep over me, whenever I could not sleep a wink because I thought there was something hiding under my bed
Thank you for that mom

You would skip meals because I thought it would be great fun to run around the house and break everything in sight
Thank you for that mom


You would get scared whenever I could not stay in place and was always very close to getting lost.
Thank you for that mom

You would stress whenever I would not finish my food and went to bed hungry.
Thank you for that mom

You would hurt whenever I fell and scraped my knees or needed stitches
Thank you for that mom

You would be patient with me every time I lost patience and could not do something right
Thank you for that mom

You taught me how to read, write and soon speak fluently
Thank you for that mom

You picked me up when I fell and refused to get up
Thank you for that mom

You comforted me every time something broke and fell apart including my goals and dreams
Thank you for that mom

Sorry for all the trouble but thank you for never giving up on me.

I don’t have much too give you
Certainly not love
Maybe companionship at best
Love died with the last guy
Rest in peace
Should I be angry about this?
I’m not
Things were different
Life was different
Eventful and full of colour
He could make me smile as soon as my tears dried up
It doesn’t matter what I had been crying up
He could inject passion in one lonely moment
Strong enough to be felt
Sweet enough to savor
I would worry about him more then I worried about myself
My happiness stretched as far as his smile did
A thin one that would reach both of his ears
Sometimes that was enough to be make a bad day seem all good again
I will admit that he did funny things too my lips
They smiled on their own
I smiled more then usual and forget about my own insecurities
My big eyes that take in the whole world in one glance
My not so perfect teeth
My strange gait
It would all be forgotten, momentarily
He held on to me like the prettiest flower in the bouquet
vowed to never let me fall
But that never really stuck
Blows to the mind
Blows to the heart
I don’t know which one was more fragile, but I did my best to mend it
The love was still there
Until one day it got snatched away
I was handed back my own empty heart
three sizes too small
Beaten up and worn out
Artfully stitched up all over the place
It was mine to keep
I didn’t know what to do with it
It continued to beat
Then bleed
Every time I thought about him
Whenever my mind refused to go ahead with the day
I still think about him
But Now I am able to smile a little bit
Is that progress?
Indifference?
I will never know
But I think I will hold on to my little heart
That is three sizes too small

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

Every since I was a little girl
maybe 5
I could hear voices
not of dead people
but the annoying living ones
A few words here and there, at first
then whispers in the evenings
and finally commands criticism and ridicule
One would call my  name slowly and ask me to sit up straight for hours and wear itchy stockings till it was time to go to bed
Another would snap at me!
Avert your eyes and hide yourself in the kitchen or one of the upstairs bedrooms
On Fridays one screamed at me for no apparent reason,
I guess she didn't like me
the next one took great pleasure in embarrassing me about my stutter and overbite
The old and judgemental ones were by far the worst
Shrill, soft, low, feminine, raspy and plain crazy
they would come out of no where
one minute I'm fine and going on with my day
and very next I'm holding my head in hands and cursing
I get this 7 days a week, the weekends were not for resting, socializing and fun
I would have to sit in a stuffy old room every weekend decorated with books, an atlas, and cobwebs
all alone while the rest played downstairs
dressed up for a funeral, where no one died
this has been happening to me for many long years
but I long to hear my mothers voice
Where are you ma?

I am not sure why you showed up tonight
But I think it is best if I tell you this now
I do not have much love to give these days
and feel even less
My laugh is a hollow one
I can go out but i prefer to keep to myself alot now
Not ready for hand-holding just yet
I love watching movies but I may forget that your sitting right next to me
My hands may feel like ice when you will try to reach for them
I may stare at the wall behind you as you ask me about my day or my hobbies so don't ask questions about that later
I may stop talking mid-sentence and get lost in my thought so don't feel offended
I may stay perfectly still if you try to hug me
I may turn my face away when its time to kiss good-bye
But please come in, its dreadfully cold outside.

I wish you could stay just awhile longer
4 months is such a short period of time for glossed lips and sun kissed skin
Fun in the sun and splish splash in the pool
All night barbeques under twinkling lights, good music and the company of fire flies
I am no fan of getting the perfect tan but the sun on my face is always pleasant
I am not ready to trade in my flowing skirts for woolly pants
Tie up my wavy locks and shove them under the mass of cotton and wool
Being under dressed works but all those layers are ******
Don’t wanna say good bye to flip flops, dainty slippers and flats, showcasing off the perfect pedicure and slender ankles
Box off anklets and belly chains
Move away from last minute plans, and dates just because the weather is fantastic and he couldn’t really come up with a better reason to want to spend time with you
No longer finding the time to link arms with an old time lover and walk down a path that hasn’t been traveled for quite some time now
Dismiss the temptation of indulging in frozen treats to please the tongue and childish spirits
Its no fun to fish in the cold
No one will be looking for berries in the snow
Sunblock will be taking a rest while lip balm steals the show
It will be the season for vicks vaporub and  Vaseline soon
Summer romance will be dead and we will all have to settle for runny noses and frost bites next
Colourful leaves stuck to sneakers
Worms just starting to wake up
Rain for days
Who can forget the slushy snow!

I do not know where you are right now
Who you are with or why you left
But not a day goes by that I do not think of you
I must admit I still wait by the phone
Old habits are hard to break and you were my worst habit
What happened to us?
Why did we have to say our goodbyes instead of our wedding vows?
My white dress sits my closet upstairs, the jewellery locked up in the safe and the venue paid in full.
I thought everything was perfect
Isn’t this what you wanted?
You always spoke about spending the rest of your lives together hand in hand
So why the sudden change in heart
You didn’t break mine but left me in pieces.

I am getting tired of these mini heart attacks
I know I forget
But this is becoming ridiculous
I loose it when I least expect it
On an important day
Or in really bad weather
But definatly on a monthly basis
I do too many things at once
That wont change
But I don’t know how I loose sight of it so quickly
Its incased in a cherry red mess
With a super bright screen saver
Password protected
Comes with its on magnet, power bank and dock
But I still manage to forget where I last put
Or saw it
I instantly forget the rushing feeling of panic
The dread and the grief
Scold myself a billion and one times for having such a lousy memory
Not being able to stay put
But this gets on my nerves
Its scary to think how dependant I have become
How much of my life depends on just 10 little digits

I have kissed you
one too many times
shame on me

Not to long ago an wise lady let me know
that we are always one decision away from living a different life
we were laughing over something that day
I was responsible for styling her hair
she said it was her 32nd anniversary
she wanted to wear a crimson suit and black sensible shoes
I carried on cutting
styling
and curling
while she rummaged through a dusty pink velvet bag
her make-up bag no doubt
what does he do?
she snorted
nothing, I left him when i was 25
This is to being in dependant for the last 32 years
iI am celebrating self growth
I am celebrating inner peace
I am celebrating happiness
oh and my son will be here soon
Brian, I think he is just about your age

Look out the window and tell me what you see
The world Is not that great of a place to be in right now
People blindly trust the disbeliever and bash the one who always had his heart in the right place and thought of everyone else but himself
Education is still very important but kind of overrated
the things that should be taught in school are so much bigger then just a bunch of text books and handbooks that can be printed and bought from a store
Exams set you up for so much more then failure
People care but only about themselves
Fake friends have become more common that fake nails
It is cheaper to live off and mimic peoples ideas and innovations then to think own your own
people are too lazy to do that as well
Apple everything and robots do it for us now
It is easier to break things and watch them turn to dust then to rebuild and prosper
Words are have lost their meanings too
Reading is a luxury but emojis and abbreviations are a must
People will think I am crazy for writing this but it doesn't take an person with a Phd or plain old street smarts to figure out that we are all doomed
The world is truly going to ****

When life gets in the way
absolutely nothing is going right
I cannot think straight
anxiety follows me everywhere
I always look for you
turn to you
we live in two different places of the world
but distance is not the problem
We always have something to talk about
things to think bout
and many days to look forward too
Time becomes the enemy
when its time to go
I don't feel like leaving
Maybe it has to do with the way your eyes smile when we go out
It definitely has something to do with how you have become an expert at listening to me with and ready with sound advice
free of judgement and an open heart every single time
I always feel light and look brighter after talking to you
through letters, texts, post cards
we have done it all
I assure you the drinks have no effect on me
Dessert is always nice
but I always look forward to meeting you
our happy hour

He looked tired
Almost out of it
Disheveled hair
Bags under the eyes
Eyes staring into space
A huge grin instead of a scowl
That was what got my attention
I waved my hands in his face
He did not look annoyed
He did not protest
He just kept smiling
I’m in love
I nearly choked on my bagel
I coughed,
I sputtered
shook my head making my curls bounce
That’s the worst kind of insanity there is
He smiled again
I’m in love he said to no one

I woke up feeling worried and anxious
instead rested
it was already dark and snowing
but the feeling would not go away
It was after 5 pm
the feeling sat in the pit of my stomach
the pain was not from pangs of hunger
it was not the usual bit of sadness that always gnawed at my soul
I still could not figure it out
something bad was going to happen
I knew that much
walking out of the room suddenly seemed impossible
even though there was a sliver of light there to guide my path
something hit me
you were already gone
there was no one there in the next room
I just had not gotten used to this

The Truth finally came out
I wonder how long you managed to keep this up
You said all that you had to
Well congrats it couldn’t have been easy for you
Since you prefer prevention instead of confrontation
It was a lot to take in
Right before bed time
I always thought I was the miserable one
Your claims were an earful
You really enjoy tormenting me
You treat like a pet
You have sacrificed nothing! It was all me
All I ever get rewarded is with cold behavior, icy stares and your favorite word of the week
No!
Your inhuman and I am so sorry I ever met you
I could have done so much better then you
Now I have been called many names
People have harbored all kinds of feelings towards me
They have no doubt thought the very wosrst about me
I cant apologize for everything
Yea I have changed
There are still parts of me that are warm, kind, caring, friendly and resourceful
I am not stupid to make the same mistakes again
Let my emtions drive me up the wall
I sometimes stop feeling for you
I tune out
Sympathize with you till it becomes a joke
Sorry if I bring out the worst out of you
Make you morph into a wild eyed raging beast instead of the well mannerd, smiley faced young lad everyone takes you for
I cant always keep my feelings to myself
I cant always keep my problems ot myself
I cant always keep my mistakes to myself
They overlap with your day
They spill into your thoughts
They stay in your brain
But I try my best to not be a nuisance to you
Promise!
But somehow I always end up making things difficult for you
For those around you too
I know I have a destructive touch
I break everything I touch and hold in my hands
I was like this ever since I was a toddler
It explains why mom never bought me anything pretty
It explains why dad always yelled at me
It explains why I had no real friends
I guess its better if I go back to where I came from
You carry on
Forget about how I first came to you
Forget about how our eyes met
Our minds clicked

He is starting at the wall
With the hole in the middle
Dads ******* again
Smelled ripe too
Probably owes somebody money
He wonders what he will have to sell this week to make ends meet
Work at the plant has been pretty slow
His moms stuff has been secretly stowed away
She has been out of the picture for years now
He hasn’t forgotten her
He wont let anyone else forget her either
Only a couple more courses till he gets his GED
After that its bye bye to his **** poor place of a home
His dad just blends in the dirt now
Its everywhere
A smallish apartment in the city
A piece of paper allowing him to work from the bottom up to to open up his own club
People music and food
His formula for a good time
Don’t care much about the girls
With their oversized hoops
Skimpy clothes
And ribs sticking out
Rib everywhere!
Looked more like a place for anorexics then a real club last week
He wouldn’t serve alcohol
Mocktails, ****** drinks and beer the non intoxicating kind
***** gummies maybe?
Dad squanders everything every time hes on a drunken rampage
The suns down
The moons up
It didn’t matter
He takes the bottle to bed now
That’s no replacement for mom
He continues to stare at the wall
With the hole in the middle
No dinner tonight
No breakfast tomorrow
He will have to take out the last of the green stuff

Love must taste like a warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top
It must be hot
It must be cold
It must be both satisfying and full-filling
It must take a long time to master
A lot of patience is required to get things just right
When you have too much of it you end up  hurting
When you have none of it you feel horrible and empty
I have a sweet tooth and no cure
But I have yet to taste a piece of that warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top

Just when I think I can make it
Out of bed
Out of the house
Something goes wrong
My resolve weakens
Step, step
crack
Step step
crack
They have all begun to talk about it again
About you and her
going on and on
About all the things that you do with her
like you used to with me
I nod like I understand what is happening
But I don't
I try to smile
But these eyes will brim with tears
Soon
For as long as I live
I will never get over it
Over you?
Over us?
which ever one hurts less
Or maybe hurt is all the same
My hands shake
They turn into fists
But before the day comes to an end
These hands will cup together in prayer
For you
For her
For all of you

I thought we were perfect for each other
I was book smart and you street-smart
I needed lists and maps but you always played it by ear
I followed rules while you loved breaking them
You did the talking and I  loved to listen
You were the head and I the neck
You led and I followed
Anger turned to water
Misunderstandings into screaming matches
Nobody cared that it was night time
Or that there was somebody pale and sick in the house
We slept but we were usually ******* at each other
I would hide my thoughts and feelings the next day but you always figured things out
Nothing could ever get past you
You had an eye for detail and so we were always stuck to each other
You hated books but could read my face instantly
Spoke in tongues but knew the language of my body perfectly
Hated saying sorry but never thought twice about apologizing with the lips
Mean words ended in laughter
Every day was bitter sweet
Every night was ecstasy

Sounds

There is so much noise in this house
The cat is purring
The speaking is speaking in French
The washer swishes and swirls
The dryer tumbles
The heater hums
The dishwasher sloshes about
The blender whirls
The oven just tinged
The phone continues to beep and buzz
The computer loads
The shredder shreds
The printer has stopped
It is never quiet in here
Even though it is just mittens and I
The only sound my ears want to pick up on is the sound of the front door unlocking
Your voice ringing through this small house
how I have missed the sound of your voice

For Love mother asked gently
For Fame little sister wanted to know
For Friendship dad guessed
For Money my husband scoffed
For Power friends concluded
For Revenge My bitter half gleefully asked
For the Touch of another an ex boyfriend whispered
For A Fix a con artist demanded
For An Escape my best friend inquired
For A Permeant Solution my head wondered
For One Last Yesterday the child in me screamed

No, no no, Just a huge slice of Ferrero Roche Cake made from chocolate mousse and hazelnut my stomach answered

I really don’t know what everyone keeps on warning me about
She is just perfect
She totally understands me
Doesn’t nag me if I just sit around the Xbox on Fridays
Lets me sleep on the weekends and can bake 3 tired cheesecake
She is also great with the elderly and pets
My pug frost has completely forgotten all about me
He gets lou her slippers
Waits for her by door
Welcomes belly scratching, bubble baths, tofu and painted nails
My aunts always wrinkle her nose and asks for rosee when lou is around and shopping
My friends think that she is definitely out of my league and hiding something
Just because she is size 6, invests in high end make up and practically lives at the gym
Whats is wrong with liking what you see in the mirror?
I am lucky to wake up next to her every morning
But I wonder what she could be lying about
I know about her rough childhood
Alcoholic father
Violent brother
The forced abortion at 19 and drugs at 22
She says she feels happier now and that is all in the past
But I still wonder why she chose to go out with me.

No use in looking at the clock
He’s still sleeping
Softly snoring away
I wonder what’s he’s dreaming about
Not me I hope
I’m wide awake
I count all the stars on the walls for the third time
I pace down the hallway hoping it will calm me down
Turn on a light or two
Pour myself water to only not be able to drink it
The cold air doesn’t help
It grabs at my bare skin
Travels all the way up to my back
I stand by the window and see nothing
Listen for signs of life
the chirping of birds
Whizzing cars
Barking dogs
Splattering Rain
It’s no use
I’m not going back to sleep
I am up
But my demons are one step ahead of me

I would hear a lot of about it a child
I would see it in the eyes of my mother
For her kids
For dad
I would feel it when he would grab me in a bear hug
I would see it in the way he sometimes looked at her
Thinking that nobody else was watching
I felt the love when they spoke to each other with their eyes
In their smiles and long embraces
I began to wish for the same many years later
Dad was gone
Mom was fading
I wanted to be saved
Or was it feel safe?
I don’t remember
Forgot all that I knew
When you came along
Don’t know what you did
Or how you did it
But my mom fell in love with you faster then I did
The son she never had
I thought it was weird you always hung around her
Did exactly what she told you
But then I realized you were just looking for a mom
Yours never returned after spending a few hours with you
I slowly started to warm up to you
I remembered all the fairy tales I read
I remembered the happy endings
I wondered if you would stick around long enough to be part of mine
Time passed
Seasons changed
We grew closer
She grew weaker
you went far away
no one could reach you
not even me

Is there ever a good time to approach a man
Who has been hurting for a very long time
Confused and misguided
Confidence sinking
Debts pilling
I didn’t know anything about all this
You never asked for help
Never made a peep
Quiet, still and asked for space
I have been having a rough time myself
Its been..
Months
I have told no one because I thought I could handle it
I didn’t come to you because I know you would say the wrong thing
Make me feel worse or turn a basic conversation into full fledged argument
I have been quiet
Because I am confused myself
Anything I will say will later turn into a fight
My thoughts make no sense
The conclusion is no where in sight
You spoke you mind
I promised to listen from start to end
I promised to not interrupt
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry
But I feel down right now
Very small
I asked for a hug
I asked for your time
I asked for you to be a little more kind
Engage in acts that show love
Engage in acts that show compassion
But no there is no time for that
its not even a possibility
I am not acting my age
I am being immature
I am being delusional
I am live in a fantasy land
You are all grown up and need all the time in the world
To figure out all the pieces of your life
Get organized and conquer the world
I fit no where
As soon as all the words left my lips
I felt like the biggest fool in the world
I promised myself I wont cry
But now I fear I am breaking
What kind of man shames a person for reminding him of her rights?
of all things that should come naturally
What kind of a man shames a person for asking for love?

He looks happy
his eyes smile
his cheeks are puffed out
and his thin lips form the biggest grin
He has an arm around her
Silky black hair till the navel
fair skin
slim nose
kohl lined eyes
pink stained lips
she looks innocent
in love?
content?
Trees surround the young couple
the sky painted is blue
the sun shines down on them
"click"
goes the camera
as well as my heart

Memories
I suppose he has just had a hard day at the office.
My husband normally does not act like this
Harsh  words, red eyes and coughing that hurts my ears
things are very different now
We love each other but something is not there anymore
I think this to myself as I open my closet.
A Box falls out
An old fashioned hat box.
I cannot remember what I kept in there
But I bring it to my bed and pull the top open
I find a few articles in there
A dried up orchid – One similar to the one he bought for me at for prom
I cannot seem to find any photographs of that night
I shrug it off
I pull out yards of flimsy looking material next - A gold dress with sequins
This was from my first night with him. We celebrated new years together when we first started dating
The color is tacky and I don’t think it will fit anymore
I see what else is in the box
I pull out a pair of earrings.
These belonged to his mom she gave them to me on our wedding day
Bless her heart
My hands touch something made from velvet and studs
It’s a collar for a cat
This must be lucy’s his beloved cat- well kitten that he had rescued during a rainstorm
Before I can reach for something else
I see my husband standing in the doorway with a sheepish grin on his face
The same one that me blush only 15 years ago
“You were not suppose to see that until much later Susan”
I smile back. “What will you put next into the box”?
His smile gets bigger and he whips out a Polaroid camera
Snaps a picture and drops it in the box
A picture of you with not a drop of makeup on, hair down and what I hope is love in your eyes.

In the mirror
I don’t recognize her
She had waist length hair
She used to be proud of it
Until it began to fall out
Five strands
Twelve strands
Later in clumps
One day while she was eating at table
Plopped right into her dinner
Instead of throwing it away
She uses it as stuffing
Hair for her dolls
She has eyes
Brown with yellow flecks
But she doesn’t know that anymore
She dreams in black now
A lovely singing voice
The church folks love it
Mother adores it
I always thought she was going to make it big
Bigger then the rest of us
That’s all gone now
She speaks in squeaks, grunts and moans
Broken sentences
She has taken to wearing black gloves in the house
Before it was just when she would go outside
They never come off
She will probably wear a veil next
She will never tell me the truth
But I know it is all because of a boy

Untitled
I needed a break
so I threw my self into all the things that needed to be done every day and neglected you for some time
for 3 months or so
I have never been away from you for so long
but that should have been enough time to cleanse the mind
I am happy to say that the tears are gone
the wall is slowly going up
I am ok with this
I need to focus on me
I gave you way to many chances
too many fresh starts
bid you goodnight with hey don't worry tomorrow is a new day
well now that's going to change
It isn't really me it was always you
I took the first step and then second and kept on going
but like always you never stayed in one place
you were actually all over the place
and I always found myself in a mess and had to stay calm no matter what
because well, one of us had to be grounded
That should have been your job too at times
especially when I got tired of the drama and feelings and wanted to feel and understand no more then the warm embrace of your arms
it would have been more then enough to shake away the cold thoughts and insecurities
I smiled and exuded confidence but most of the time for your own benefit
Now I cant even do that for myself
I have formed the habit of staring into the distance and thinking hard
so hard that people now think that I am always mad
mad at world
when truthfully I am just mad at you
I know, that's long overdue
but it's true
so mad I could scream cry and break things but I wont
I will just continue to stare as the wall goes up
I don't mind
I am ok with that

It has been a rare kind of day
I woke up feeling refreshed instead of the usual toss and turn
White omlett with cheese, freshly sqeezed OJ fried taters and greens done right
The water pressure did not falter this morning and relaxed all the right muscles
My dress felt extra crisp and my nails were on fleek
No new scars in sight, I was atually glowing
No highlighter necessary
Shopping was enjoyable and not so much a chore
I saw something I liked but didnt bring it home
Catching up with freinds and discussing plans for the summer and upcoming gigs was a breeze
Lunch was delighful because I got the table i really wanted and that cranky tight lipped waiter was no where in sight
Rice and balsamic salmon with a much needed lemoncello hit the spot
I was ok with no dessert
That an with the sad eyes and cute accent at the next table did make serious eye contact with me though
Ah- maybe next week, I bet he will get bored of that brown haired spray tanned ***** hanging on to his every word and carrying a pink rhinestone celly everywhere
I mean everywhere!
Maybe I will stop by at the jewellery store to add on another charm to my bracelete
A lady bug or a daisy I saw a few on the way here
Sketch a little, I think im finally sit still
I should be going home soon
I feel like painting tonight in shades of blue black and grey
A face in the distance
Hope
A fighting spirit
Not sure yet but this is a start
I still miss you daddy

This feels like a death sentence
For a crime I did not commit

**** me now
It would be a lot kinder

Don't forget to read the fine print the cheery looking barista warned me
I shrugged my shoulders and hurried away with my order
What fine print I wondered
You are not a criminal or a patient from an asylum
Rough around the edges
rowdy for sure given that your a cop
one of the finest according to my mom
But what could you have that is worth talking a second look
You read people for a living
You get rid of ****
Make the streets safer then the day before
You are the reason that children can come home to their moms
daughters do not go missing so often
boys stay at school instead of hanging around in abandoned malls, houses and parks
Her words continue to echo in my head tonight
I am trying to slice up peach cobbler and not my fingers
You are in the dining room charming away my parents with promises of always wanting to protect me
look out for me
and help me with my problems
But what about your own
Did you get divorced before
have anger problems that I should know about
An illicit affair with southern bombshell
Dope
too many DUIs to your name
A restriction order from 2009
Still pay child support

Ugh how do you even bring this up to a cop

I wonder if he has forgotten
What you may ask?
It is not Valentine’s Day
It is not my birthday or our first anniversary
But the little things that make relationship really great
Don’t get me wrong I still love him
He has gentle eyes and an easy laugh
I know some woman prefer great abs and a killer smirk
But that is what I always look for in a man
He laughs openly, works tirelessly, and loves unconditionally
I couldn’t ask for anything more
But I am still waiting on that morning coffee!

Maybe everyone has one of these
tucked away inside yellowed pages of a leather bound book
with a thin marker that slithers about like a snake's tongue
All the names must be written in red ink for authencity
and details like eye colour, height and home address are very important
I know what I saw in Grammy's pocket book yesterday
I didn't mean too
but the bag just fell from my hands and small book spilled out
she wrote everything in small tiny cursive letters in that school teacher-like handwriting of hers
with the help of a black ball point pen
I did not find any pictures or strands of hair
evidence!
but who could possibly have a problem with her gentle and friendly presence?
It boggles my mind
here is a old but young lady that is an active member of the community
not a day over 50 and no grey hair to worry about
she is an award winning pastry chef, who can still beat everyone at poker and has a mean green thumb
I know I am rambling but this just doesn't make any sense
I bet dad doesn't even know anything
or...
maybe this is part of a big family secret
could she be part of a gang?
have millions stashed away somewhere
send baked goods to different locations with just a little something extra in them?
have enemies from way before I was born?
I don't know
But I have so many questions to ask her
how do I do it?
She has baked my favorite brownies today and promised that we would go out to see a play later in the evening

I will continue to move on
It’s all I can do
I still cant forget you
I don’t think I ever will
I am not sure why that is
Anger has melted away
Hate has turned into honey
Sadness and grief still haunt me
Loss and regret walk beside me
Every single day
Wherever I go
Whatever state I may be in
The grip gets stronger with time
I can cope with the marks they leave behind
I can cope with feelings of suffocation and unhappiness
I can cope with the memories
But how do I free my self from the pain
Of you not being here
Of you never coming back
of us never crossing paths again

Made Up
It is time for another night out with freinds
I have been looking forward to this
I pray that bill behaves tonight
He tends to smile a lot and becomes a little too friendly with woman in our group of 8  
The past few weeks have been on him with his foster mom passing the house needing more repairs and a possible down-sizing at work
so i did not say anything to him yet
I have my dress all pressed and ready to go but i am not sure of  what shoes to wear with it
my feet have not yet healed yet her dropped a box on it the other day
he said it was a mistake so i believe him
My crimson hair is still a disheveled mess he hates it when it tie it up
so i keep it down even though it gives me a headache
But what to with my face?
Can concealer and a proper foundation hide the  scars left on my face because I forgot the house keys at work and was late my picking up tommy from school because to much traffice
My eyes are a dark shade of blue I say they my best feature but my eyelids are colored purple. So maybe a little eyeliner and mascara e hide the damage
My lips have a healed a bit from last night
Dinner did not exactly as planned
The chicken was too spicy and the potatoes a little under seasoned
In my defense-- it was a new recipe
They are already a peculiar shade of red I may  have something in the top left drawer to match that color.
I best leave my hair down for tonight
I do not want anyone finding out about the burn marks
Petunia Georgia and June will  only gossip about this
My shoulder and arms still feel tender
leather is not good for the skin
Good thing my dress has long sleeves
Now where are those pesky shoes
I think i saw my purse somewhere here as well
The room is a mess- He raged about something earlier
Well i should be getting dressed now
He hates waiting on people and I know better

What comes to mind, when some one cries out "poison"
Cleopatra's bejeweled goblet filled with an red elixir
Snow whites Poisonous red apple
cookies laced with white powder
It is hard to say and even harder to see,
But something so beautiful
could often have a guy running the other way
But I find myself running towards it
I don't fancy shiny red apples or drink
Its her lips I am after
sometimes red, or pink
natural, lined or glossy
luscious and pouty
I cannot say which one I prefer the most
but I stare at them more often then I would like to admit
Spewing out big words brought on my anger and confusion
spreading sweet nothings dipped in honey
empty promises, witty one liners
They have no effect on me
But I do wonder what it would be like to have them pressed against my own
at the most unexpected moment
away from peoples lingering stares
I imagine it to be the type of kiss that will sent my heart soaring
awaken me from my slumber
fix my horrible posture
and give me the courage to confess my love to her

The weather outside mimics
my feelings inside
Its cold, dark, and wet
raining nonstop for the last 24 hours
every time I look to the window it is something new
a couple of drops here and there
a slight drizzle which wets the hair and the tips of our noses
progresses to aggressive heavy rain that makes its presence known by constantly tapping on glass windows and slapping the pavement
from there its chaos
something out a movie
heavy wind
grey skies
mad sprays of water everywhere
you can only pray that you have on the right shoes and don't slip
don't become victim to the mess of ***** colored leaves flying about and attacking those shoes
All this rain
isn't good for my joints
every ache and pain translates to words that I have long become accustomed to
this bad weather has me becoming nastier by the hour
All I can feel right now are hot waves of crushing anger
the type of rage that warms up the body
makes it impossible to look at you with kind eyes
every word that comes out my mouth feels like bullets
one after the other
there is no compassion in my voice today
there is no time to catch my breath either
just a flurry of words
no tears
then complete silence
what you have been wanting
for the longest time
there is no coming back from this
so watch your step

Well this is something
The lights are quite bright but they don’t hurt my eyes
I don’t think any one here can tell that I have been crying over you
I decided on bangs
A Maroon cocktail dress
silver heels
Left my phone at home and skipped the clutch
Just wearing a smile
I hope there is some life left in my eyes
Who is there to call now?
No one there to welcome me home after a cold night
The food is agreeable
At least my friends look happy
Talking
Laughing
Cozying up to smiling strangers
Non threatening strangers
I want to sit down
But I am afraid ill have to start talking again
Fake interest in who knows what
No I think I am ok here
Sitting by fire
With the cat by my feet
The fire isn’t hot enough to thaw out my heart tonight
But I can always strike up a conversation with the cabbie on the way home

You stare into a pool of black
Swirling it to no end
I didn’t like her much you say
I want to laugh out loud
But I cant
It will sound like broken glass
Shes gone but finally happy
She liked you
She really tried
But got tired of waiting
For you to grow up
To come around
5 years and you haven’t changed much
You work now and yet you cant tame your tongue
You live in a big house now but you cant make proper eye contact
You drive a fancy car now but cant bring yourself to do something thoughtful or sweet
I don’t blame her for feeling bitter
I don’t blame her for moving away from you
You don’t look up from your drink
You begin to fidget with something else now
I want to shake you
I want to slap some sense into you
But you remind me that you didn’t like her very much
If she is to blame
Then so are you
But I don’t say anything
She is gone now
The house is empty
The papers have been sent
The ink has dried
You smiled when she left
But I don’t say anything
I stare into the pool of black
Swirling it to no end

It’s a old one
I cant get rid of it
I always break one rule or another
I tune out words of wisdom
No room for advice either
Its been on my brain for a very long time
Too far
But I want to get closer
I want to see it
I want to touch it
The intoxication
Let it take hold of me
Get drenched in it
I want to stop reading between the lines
Stop watching out for the signs
I want to get closer
Press my lips against it
Wear it on my skin
I want to forget that it hurts
© 2 months ago, Farzana Habib

2 minutes of pleasure
A life time of regret

Do I leave or ask him to stay?
Will it be different this time
Or will i fall for it all over again
All because of those **** eyes
A brilliant blue with flecks of grey
I can see a storm brewing in those eyes
everything gets better after a storm right?
Clear skies and all
The grey goes away and all that is left is spell-bounding shade of blue
So blue that it gives me hope
I want to trust him again, but how?
Another piece of me will just break off
If I take a step towards him
Then second and a third
I don't want to go very far
Just close enough to be embraced
To melt
that's not possible anymore
His eyes seek forgiveness
his body language signals ******
I can hear him talk
he speaks with a poisoned tongue
They spill sickly sweet words
Words that turn into phrases
Phrases that turn into sonnets
My ears have heard everything
I can tell you when the curtain will fall
my heart has not gone cold yet
My mind wants to believe him again
But how?

Do not look away
I know you were staring
Yes I look smashing tonight
but take me away from here
from all of these sultry and bored looking jezebels
******* dressed and ready
to do whatever you like for the next hour
or for the rest of the night
if you are the adventurous type
In twos threes and the whole lot
I do not want to be here
I did not come here by choice
I was led astray by a man who promised me love loyalty and passion
I trusted him a little too much
I was sober when I did this
but then I woke up in a dark room with only the tiniest bit of light there to see that I had pretty much nothing on
with a searing pain between my thighs and strange markings of neck and back
I know it will not stop here
just this one time
I will have to entertain many more
morning or night
he wont always be the nice type
They will pin me down
gag me
tear away at my ****** flesh
You know how I know?
I heard everything from the room next to mine
Oh how she cried, bitterly begged for mercy and kindness
pleaded that he come back another day
but the man growled and paid her no mind
ripped off cloth and had his way with her till the sun came up and woke me up from my slumber
I tossed and turned but could not really sleep
my stomach hurts and I do not want to suffer the same fate as her
I can tell that you are different
You have nice calm eyes
you talk to the woman very kindly
go out of your way to bring them little gifts
rose colored scented soaps or books
flowers that I may weave in my hair later
I do not know when I will get out of here
how I will get out of here
but at least you and I can be friends
Be all that I was deprived of because I was born a girl

Pictures everywhere
On trees
The walls
Milk cartons and bottles of vino
Mirrors and buildings
Strewn all over the place
Like clues
Some show her face
Other have been slashed up
Eyes
Lips
I see them everywhere
Every day
A normal girl at first glance
With dark hair and even darker eyes
Eyes full of fierce determination
Eyes that tell a story
A sprinkle of freckles
Lips out to entice
And a light scar
Jagged
Right through one brow
Too bright to be a Jane doe
So I call her Vyola
I have a hunch
she is still awake
Around
Walking with a new face maybe
There isn’t much in this small town
A couple of hundreds of people
The majority with no dreams
The young work
working from morning to evening
The weak are forgotten
Not enough schools or libraries
Too many bars clubs and hidden casinos
Money talks
It screams
Its all the world cares about
I don’t know much about her background yet
she came from a family with too many kids and very little money
One meal a day
Broken windows
Dusty books
Yellowed sketch books
Dirtied school uniform
That’s all that’s left of her now
The dad doesn’t care
Mom still can’t forget her
First born
Its been a long time
A pretty woman
Stress and worry have erased a lot of it
But she never forgets to smile
When our eyes meet
Every morning
She spends hours cleaning
Takes only a moment to look at her worn out picture
On my desk
On the missing person’s wall
I am doing all that I can
But I know she has it a lot worse

Do not call again
I do not want to hear you voice
The same one you used to tell me that I was perfect
Perfect for you
The voice that yelled out « I hate you »
The voice that thretened and said « I do not want to see you again »
The voice that smirked, then smiled and said « I do not ever want to see you again »
The pity iin your voice is all fake
The remorse in your voice is a little to late
The hope in your voice has been practiced and perfect
The relief iin your voice is coming
There was never an « us »
Only « My this » and « My that »
Only « because I am a man »
Only « because i said so »
This only happened and got dragged out because it had always been one sided
I was only part of a nasty drunken truth or dare game
So lets get this over with a coin toss
Heads or Tails it’s still your loss

You played me right from the start
A game that you have won too many times
too cocky to care about the consequences
Our eyes met and I started seeing stars right away
It lit the way for me to you
But I now wish I knew what was waiting for me in the end
I gave you my heart the during the walk
Too soon
I will admit that I did not know what I was doing
just felt like it was the right thing to do
I curse my self
For my own foolishness
But you knew what you were doing
Was that the plan
String me along
Tighten the noose
Till I can’t think straight?
You chipped away at it
Day and night
With that disarming smile
Playful stares
Kind words
Words of tainted affection
That never meant anything
All of it a ploy
For what?
A friends phone number?
Answers to the final
Help I would have given it you
But why this?
Hurting
But don’t leave me bleeding
Break my heart
All of it
So that I can’t feel again
Not all the good things anyways
You got under my skin and now your leaving
I will be sure return the pain
The poison
Unannounced
Just when you feel like you’re the king of the world
Everything's going your way
Let it blind you
Devour you
Bring you to your knees
I promise