There is still many hours left before I can go home and rest my weary head
I can feel a headache coming on
the coffee was too weak
The customers will continue to come and go
buzz around like bees till they have found what they were looking for or make a mess and leave in huff
The owner will grow to be fat, richer and eventually bald
lets hope he does something about his yellow teeth and lack of impatience towards the employees
I sometimes fail to understand how people come in to spend pound after pound on fairness creams, aloe gels and supplement pills
does it all work out in the end or we do all give in to our weaknesses?
get ****** in because of fool proof consumer buying habits
and over the top demos of the latest kitchenware or a bed that can make it self
Its amazing to see how quickly people get rich off of other peoples insecurities
Acne is a killer, though!
As I stand here by one of the **** shelves
I cant help smiling and hoping that some nice lady will come in and get this last 3 step skin care set that is known do to miracles for under eye circles, bags, and fine lines off my tired hands
or maybe that lolly *******, curly haired, monster wont come in minutes before my shift ends and run through the big display of female hygiene products
Or sometimes even wish that people did not have so many problems
feel the constant need to cover up so fast because shaming has become so normal now
we over think things
we exaggerate
become prone to impulsive buys only to later go home and dump all of the days purchases or add on to an already extensive collection of something or the other
When truthfully, many of us never get around using up all that is in our little shopping carts, and baskets
or wind up getting tired of all the steps, rules, regimes
for the perfect face
for the perfect body
for the perfect illusion

Its dark outside and getting very cold
I look at Brian
He looks so lost and tired
With very little money and hope in our hearts we aren’t sure where to turn
They wont find us here I pray to my self
There is a group of people to the right and a long road that stretches to the left
We decide to walk down the road
There aren’t too many people around and no one who might recognize us
We pass a restaurant or two
He shakes his head he isn’t feeling very hungry and I’ve got not appetite tonight
A convenient store, We have all that we need
A jewellery store, the simple gold band with leafy etches is just perfect for my finger
We keep walking till we stop at a big building with plenty of widows all covered in black and has the number 230 etched into the wall
An ugly green rectangle serves as the door.
It looks very run down so hopefully the inside looks better
I put on a fake a smile and walk inside
I make my way to the lobby but it does not get better
Within seconds strange smells assault my nose.
It smelled like desperation
A mix made from whiskey, cigarettes, sausage and cabbage
I hold my nose and Brian does the same
We meet a young thing at the reception hall with overly pale skin and the lightest blue eyes that almost seem to glow
She has a black bob with too many piercings on
She looks us over and her eyes linger on brains face just three seconds longer
She asks for ID and cash
60$ a night for peace of mind- not too bad I guess
He smiles at her and is presented a rusty looking silver key
No more words are exchanged and we make a run for the room.
I Just want to lie down for a minute
I fumble with the lock and we welcome a room full of darkness.
The light switch does not work so both of us touch our way to the bed
Place the keys and bits of nothing on the nearest bedside table
Kick of our shoes at once and lay in bed.
My feet hurt like hell but I say nothing
I am petite in size so I climb on top of Brian
Slow melodious music starts playing in the distance just then
His fingers reach for my face
This almost feels perfect lou the dark, the music and just us
I say nothing and allow my lips to hungrily seek out his neck before they make there way to his lips
Yes the perfect night to a horrible day as man and wife

It feels so good to be home right now
Tonight wasn’t exactly perfect
You made me wait at the restaurant for hours
Claiming that you had lost your wallet earlier
Who loses their wallet in their own house?
You are just super messy
So it is unbelievable how you always show up to places looking like a million bucks but barely have 100 bucks to your name
Your tie was a disaster and didn’t exactly match my sapphire dress as we had planned
The food was scrumptious but I couldn’t enjoy more than three bites because your phone kept on ringing
I thought it was just going to be the two of us
But you had your boss on speakerphone
Dessert was going well until you fell out of your seat
Was it because of the waitress who kept on dabbing at your shirt to get rid of non-existent drops of water or have you always had trouble sitting still?
The bill was eighty-eight seventy-five but you came up three dollars short
Thank goodness I had a twenty on me
Now wipe that lipstick off your face and go pour me a stiff one

I am not suppose to be waiting up for you
not when there is a million other things to do

I am not suppose to waiting by the phone
wishing you would call
wishing that you would just give me the chance to talk
explain my side of the story

I am not suppose to be feeling this ****** and down
when you messed up

I am not suppose to just feel alright
forget about what happened the other day
smile and ****** up those roses
and plant a big kiss on your cheek

I am not suppose to light up
after waiting all day on you
to get back to me

I am not suppose to let everything slide
because you had an extra hard day and cant think straight

I am not suppose to pretend that everything is ok
when my face looks like hell and make up aint helping

I am not suppose to get past something that meant a lot to me
and smile at you because you forgot

I am not suppose to keep everything inside
and calm the hell down when there is company around

I am not suppose to stand around while you charm everybody else acting like you have all your **** together
when we both know that there is less 20$ in the bank

I am not suppose to be quiet as the tall men come in my house
ready to repo every **** thing in sight because you were a little late paying the bills and lying to me about how you have everything in control

I am not suppose to mopping floors, cleaning up after rude customers and working 10 hour shifts when there will soon be somebody else to think about

But what to do.. I am in love

I think I met you on a Sunday
I think it was at the mall where I work
I think you smiled at me
I think I was adjusting a mannequin when you walked in
I think you asked about a pink scarf
I think it was for your sisters birthday
I think you invited me
I think I asked you to meet me at 6pm

Everything else after that was a blur
That was three years ago

I don’t remember when we last smiled at each other and meant it
I don’t remember when we last held each other for dear life
I don’t remember when we last sat down to eat dinner together
Woke up to bagels and rose for sunday brunch on the roof

That was eons ago

I cant forget the sadness you wear every day
I cant forget the anger that is buried deep in your eyes
I cant forget the pain that creeps into your dreams and keeps me awake at nights
I cant forget all your broken promises
I cant forget about all the yesterdays we’ve wasted together

Its time to move on

From you
From her
From my old self

S= Thank god she's not home yet
C= coach bag and purse to match
R=Ruby rings and diamonds too
E=Empire dresses with a belted waist
W= wine and a watercolour set
E= Estee Lauder Holiday Set for $600
D= Dior Perfume

I met her just last year
I did not know much about women at the time..
But truthfully, I felt like it was one of the best decisions in my life
We met in the college library
I was working at the desk
Shuffling through old history books
Organizing index cards
And trying not to fall asleep while still on my feet
She came in bringing a gust of wind and was wearing a black and red belted gingham
4 inch heels too
A burst of color among all the dust grey and boredom
She smelled faintly of ginger and coconut
Ill never forget what she asked for
“ 5 History books 3 magazines and 1 cookbook please”
I tried to keep a straight face
After that we met up behind the bookshelves
I would talk to her while dusting various odds and ends
I would glance at her when would have her head down in the books strewn in front of her
Her wheatish curls spilling down and that very cute way she would chew the ends of her No.2 pencil
Or the way her tongue sticks out when she is stuck on a complicated calculs problem
I began with the questions over two dollar drinks and churros
There was a few laughs in it too
But she made my heart do silly stupid new things
My pale skin flushed in her presence
My hands became sweaty when ever I handled her books or asked for her library card
A grainly looking goddess
She only asked me out after I into a book cart and bumped my head
As I sit here writing this she has that look in her eyes
A quizzical look almost
I am hoping that the bump will go down and she will agree to go watch a silent movie with me
About a monster creature stuck in paris.

Are we born with one or do we begin to loose it as we grow older an find our way
Does it leave us when we take a on a new personality
When we have all of papers and are able to move up the corporate ladder
Smile, shake hands but mainly call the shots
Take on new challenges and and search for bigger highs
Talk with people who seem nice but do not want to be found
Figure out the difference between lover and friend
When you finally got hold of her phone number
Have him wrapped up so good around your diamond clad pinky finger
After nights of spending time, laughing over nothing
Getting caught up in each other, scraps of red lace tendrils of reddish blonde hair
Catching  fireflies, feelings, and unspoken desires
Coming home with red lips and skin cleansed from a bathwater of lust and sin
Having one last shot before linking arms with Mrs No Name
Making that much dreaded weekly call to the wife telling her your caught up at work and cant come home for the weekend
When really you are taking picture after picture of a women who is calling out for you over and over again
When the bills continue to pile up but your having too much fun gambling away your wife’s smile, children's college funds and the money for chemo
When you have no where left to to but to the safety box and carry metal around in your pocket till you've found the perfect place to pull the trigger

the details of how you passed on
are slowly emerging
from the phone
from the computer
from the mouth of strangers
I do not know what hurts less
reading it all on paper and glass
or hearing them with my own ears
one way or another
I still feel like I am bleeding
I still feel like I am breaking
trying to keep everything together
hopelessly failing
but still trying to stay intact

Leaving Town

Thank you for all the time you spent with me
It was unexpected, and generous
Reminising about the past
Thinking about the future
Making peace
Finding some form of closure
Finding the strength to move on

I am not sure from what exactly
Thinking about you
The memories of us
The wasted time
The wasted energy
I am past it, I think

Flinching away from the shrapnel of dreans and goals
Talking to you was no easy talk
It took all I had to look into your eyes as you sat across me and not judge you
Understand you and forgive you
It took all I had to sit there as if it were nothing and simply talk without letting old feelings cloud my judgement
Speak my mind!
Be tougjh and firm with my words!
But I faltered…

It took all I had to not want to feel the familiar warmth of your hands brush against my cheeks like old times
We didn’t order Bumblerry pie and Ale that day
The coffee become stale and people buzzed around us
But I only had eyes for you
I looked at you so intently until I could look no more
The tears came minutes later like clockwork
I could not stop it
I do not know why
My revolve melted away
Maybe it was due to your voice
The soothing gestures
The new found kindness in your eyes
The humble behavior towards me

I know you will always be my weakness
But I didn’t deserve this
To feel broken all over again

“Whoa there”
“Slow down a bit and talk to me”
“ I just put a fresh cup of coffee”
“ the cookies are cooling”
“ The children can wait”
“ The dogs asleep by my feet”
“ Your office will still be there on the ground 5 minutes from now”
“ I think you boss is an ***”

My husbands gives me his famous smirk and places a kiss on top of my head

“ Look outside and see that its snowing”
“ Not that fairy-tale or night before Christmas kind of snow either”
“ I must leave now or else the kids wont get to school on time
“Drop the dog off at V’s”
“Yes It will still be there but I have a meeting in an hour”
“ I do think he is an first class ***”

He bites into my cookie and makes his way to the door.

I think they belonged to my grandmother
I have been hearing about these shoes since I was eight
I am nineteen now
I have seen them in black and white and in color
They are slippers and much better then the ones Cinderella wore
The tips are made from real gold I am told
My grandmother never said where she got them from
Or from who
A birthday? A garage sale?
Her father? Grandpa?
All she said was that they made her feel light and happy
Not a day over 20!
She felt like dancing
She had dainty looking feet so I bet she would dance for hours
I found the box but where could those shoes be hiding?

Its normal to forget sometimes, right?
Perhaps a face
the way your lovers face searches for the truth whenever she has caught you in a lie
or maybe what day of the week it is
But in my case, it really isn’t
I sometimes have no recollection of an entire event
Be it 5 minutes long or something that lasted for a very long time
I cannot remember the who, what, where, or the when
The why part never really seems to make any sense to me afterwards
I wasn’t always like this but now I have been dubbed as the woman who is very likely to loose herself one day
Its not too far from the truth to be honest,
I wish i could forget some things
Expcially the people who no longer exsist
Its perfectly notmal for me to be immersed in grading papers and making last minute edits to powerpoints due the next morning  but I still cannot for the number of punches you threw down at me, every time you were ****** about something
I can be talking over the phone with some one but then my brain starts to itch in trying to remember if you ever truly loved me
I can sit in total silence, comepletely relaxed but I can't seem to forget forget why i ever sacrificed so much for you when everybody else knew that we were never going to last and you would be the first to walk away
Times are different now
I know that
But i still cannot forget.

I cant talk to you today
I won be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Maybe for the entire summer even
Something is wrong
Not with me
My parents
Brother too
My father does not go out for much
Except for work and church
He has been complaining about aches and pains
He wants to lie still all day long
He can’t eat anything accept for bone broth and porridge
He complains of a fever
But everything looked normal
He says he sees something on certain nights
A willowy white figure standing by the edge of his bed
Sometimes looking through a window
He won’t tell me who it is
Sister, grandma a possible mistress?
My mom has not been feeling too good either
I mean she looks okay
She works like a mad woman you know,
But when you talk to her
She barely acknowledges that you are there
It’s like she is in a trance
She lives on coffee and crackers
Down the hall
Stays my brother
Up at all hours
Doing something in his room
It smells kind of funny too
Claims that he has insomnia
I have seen him pop melatonin pills like they are tic tacs
So yea thanks for checking up on me
I still don’t know what is going on
But I cant talk to you today
I wont be able to talk to you tomorrow either

I Met you
Life seemed perfect
The air smelled sweet
The trees looked greener then usual
I was starting to like the sounds of children laughing and playing
I looked forward to rainy days and take out
I looked forwards to the days that were to come
A future that sounded to good to be true
It was all coming together
Until one night
There was a lot of screaming involved
Crying
Cursing
Stomping
Breaking
Bleeding
You wiped away my smile instead of my tears
You broke my wrist
You ruined my sleep
You tarnished my dreams
Took everything away from me
Ripped away
The Happy
The Bubbly
The Optimistic
The Charismatic
The Funny
The Ambitious
Bits of me
Left me alone with the
Panic
Anger
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment
Failure

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

Can you tell me how long we have been together
5 long eventful years
Nope it wasn't all about the candy, candle light dinners and heart shaped pizzas
What the movies are made of
or books that romanticize the notion of love
No I was not in love with the idea of falling in love
In fact, our relationship was like any other
We had our fair share of disagreements
heated discussions
Fights about nothing that lasted till 3am and so loud that the cops had to intervene on more then one occasion
Triumphs
Typical rainy days
lazy Saturday mornings sitting in front of the tv with the cereal
and our version of "sick days ;)
We have been through practically everything
But when will you stop lying to me?
Tomorrow? Next week?
It starts with your eyes- I know those baby blues are searching for something more
then your lips- They form a permanent smile now, even when things are really bad
then your arms- your hugs used to be a lot better
then with your body- It is just an act in the dark
Finally with your heart- It has shrunk 3 sizes
Give it up--this is it
we have reached the finishing line
Sign those papers and let yourself go...

The sun is up but he is not
He always expects breakfast in bed
At the stroke of nine
In fishnet stockings, gloves and frills
Steaming hot
Freshly squeezed
Lavishly buttered
Dripping wet
I have on my candy lips
Vanilla body butter
But something is still amiss
Maraschino cherries

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day

The room is bare the closet empty
When you left you took everything with you
My heart as well
In exchange you left behind a tiny piece of you
Your scent
It lingers
On my clothes, sheets and skin
I cant bring myself to throw any of it away
I bring them close to my face and with my eyes closed I can still see everything you sitting crossed legged in bed or lying perfectly still every day you got upset
You smelled like oranges and vanilla, cherries and *** and something else I was never able to figure
Whatever it was its still there and the smell of you is everywhere
It has filled up every single room in this small apartment
I wish I had been careful
I always wanted more then you were ready to give
Maybe that’s why you left
With no trail behind
You were mesmerizing
Absolutely intoxicating but I know I will never able to replicate that smell
I have gone through bottles
Light, Airy, Citrusy, Sensual, Sickly Sweet, Floral
Its nice but its not you
Not even close
I sit here now clutching your favorite polo to my chest
Clutching to memories
The scent has already started to fade
Soon it will be gone
You will be gone
Forever

I am sorry I took my hands for granted
They have done so much for me till now
They helped me with my chores
They helped me with my studies
They helped me get a job
They helped me look after my ailing parents
They helped me built a house
They helped me raise a family of four
They helped me sooth wounds and repair broken relationships
They helped me start my own bakery
They helped me maintain my marriage
They helped me when leo left and chose to spend the rest of his life behind bars
They helped me when the house and car was ceased by the bank
They helped me move into a smaller apartment
They helped me when my children moved far away from me and decided that they were too busy to make time for their mother
They helped me adopt a little girl
They helped me find love again in ex-football player who makes really good steak
They helped me heal when my daughter passed away in her sleep

They have helped me accomplish so much and have turned me into the woman I am today
I am sad to say that my hands look nothing like before
My elegant fingers and hands are rough and have swelled up over the years
They are bent from doing so much
I only wish that I was able to hold on to my husbands hands before the doctors wheel him into the ICU

My yesterdays can be replayed over and over in my dreams
Today went by too quickly
I hope tomorrow will be a day to remember

Soon to be Parents

Just got the news
Congrats to you and her
But that’s all

I cant put my feelings into words
I shrugged my shoulders and thought that it didn’t matter
Good for them
More responsibility
Sleepless nights
No control of the body or bladder
Cravings
Last minutes texts
A 30 year commitment
He will probably be able to handle it now
They look happy together
Everywhere
Cheesy poses
Hats and drinks all around
She looks healthy and is glowing
Definitely not a barbie doll thin anymore
None of this should matter to me

But I cant not put my feelings into words
Anger, Annoyance Maybe even relief

I am standing at the corner
For the ogling
Lewd glances
Cat calls
Sweet lies
But a hot meal too

Its been close to 30 days I think but I don't feel like I have changed very much
I have moved out of our lavish home and into something more modest with just two bedrooms
One filled with books, letters, and unopened memories
I don't trust myself with those yet
Your clothes, cologne, and everything in between has been locked up in storage
the walls are no longer stare back at me
I can see you from everywhere
You smile at me from the kitchen when I am standing before the stove with my black hair all disheveled in my mismatched house slippers
You always remain deep in thought in the study room whenever I go in to pen out letters or thank you notes
Maybe it hurts even less now when the day is over
I cant say, I no longer sit still in front of the tv lost in other peoples daily squabbles and superficial relationships
I don't waste any time thinking about 2018 or the first time we met
but yes I do feel bad... only for 5 minutes though!
I don't think i'm going to be dating any time soon but I am open to new faces
Marriage is not in the cards but I don't mind being a bridesmaid again
Anniversaries are tough, but I just go on a much needed holiday
I haven't given up on what you loved the most
I still write late into the night till my fingers hurt
I still bake year round till the house smells like gingersnaps and chocolate
the piano gets a check up twice a year on our birthdays 6 months apart
there's still me
I haven't given up yet

I have not been completely honest
I know I am strong
but at the same time also vulnerable
I know this is not love
It cant be because I am afraid
you are a nice person
drama free and wholesome
pretty parents and manicured lawns
lexus rides and chalets
it all sounds so perfect
looks so great to the naked eye
but I still would not be able to fall in love
because I am afraid
if I begin to love then I will become attached
If i begin to love then I will stop being rational and aim for something that really is not there
if I begin to love then that means I will be free to get hurt
shed tears again
say self damaging things in the name of self defence
All things I know I am capable of
But this cant be love
because I am afraid
to love
to loose
to break and turn to dust

She looks at herself in the mirror
5'4 and 130 lbs
not bad according to her friends
Perfect in the eyes of her family
so-so yell out the public
but she refuses to believe any of it
the prized curls and timed blue eyes do nothing to change the opinion she has of her self
Mom says God makes no mistakes
Hmm
Her closet is full of things from 2010-2015
The best years of her life
She was wafer thin and dainty
everyone said so
Now her frame just disgusted her
she pulled at her sides
turned around
and stared at her legs
This wont do
she decides all at once
she quickly dresses up in grey and charcoal and heads downstairs for another job around the block
its her second one today
the kitchen smells like Shepard's pie and salad drowning in ranch
she does't flinch at the sight of food
Holds her nose and makes it our of the house
its not that she does not like eating
she just doesn't want to think about
a waste of time, actually
some may stare at her because of this
while others think its unhealthy and borderline crazy
but she finds it addicting

So... there is this girl that I like
She goes by the name Fiora
She is about 5’2 with dark hair and beautiful green eyes
Like green emeralds with a touch of grey
I have never seen anything like it
She has the cutest little laugh and dimples
I should know because I made her laugh just yesterday
We attend the same college together but we are not in the same class  
Or part of the same caste a lot like star crossed lovers
The problem is that I do not know how to tell her that I like her
Notice that I said like and not love!
I am a pro at talking in front of people but whenever I am in her presence or  come up of a hundred ways to get to close to her.. To pass her paper and ask for the textbook of course I start to stammer and my ears become bright red… Not very attractive I know
But I believe that love should be patient, so I wait everyday till after school at the bus stop, hoping that I see her so that I could take the bus home with her and so far that has only happened once.
I believe that love should be kind, so I walk her to class every chance I get and carry her books as well.
I believe that love does not envy, so I do not become agitated or sad whenever she decides to sit next to another boy during lunch time or talks to one near her locker
I believe that love does not boast, so I do not brag about my capabilities and assets to the public I do my best to remain humble at all times.
I believe that love is not proud, so I make sure to apologize to her whenever I have say or  do the wrong thing by accident
I believe love does not dishonor, so I come to her defense whenever someone feels the need to belittle her in order to make himself feel better by playing with her insecurities and calling her unflattering names.
I believe that love is not self seeking, so I go out of my way to help her whenever she is feeling low by bringing her a small trinket, if she is stressed I make her laugh and if she wishes to be alone I give her space.
I believe that love is not easily angered, because I have plenty of patience. Though she is smart, pretty and kind she can also be an annoying know-it-all sometimes
I believe that love does not keep a record of right or wrongs, so I forgive and move past a few of the times she has hurt my feeling by not wishing me on my big win during Debates or changing her mind last minute when she promised to help me study for a biology exam
I believe that love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, so I kept a brave face the day she told me that she was interested in a nobody, which I was not good enough for her because he came from a lot of money, swore too much and was held back twice.
I believe that love always protects, even though Fiora has decided to go out with this guy I let her know that I am only a call away if things get out of hand
I believe that love trusts so I trust her to make the right decision during the date.
I believe that love hopes so I can only hope that she feels the same way I feel about her tonight
Now what god?

Whats the matter
Why do you look so sad?
Isn't this is what you've always wanted
isn't this what you've always talked about
Suit and Tie
Shaking hands with the big people
Smiling and the charming the people who you don't really care about
9:00 meeting
Perky PA's
handsome salary and little to no over time
so you could go home to her just in time
to celebrate anniversaries and have fun on Friday nights
Winding down after a long and stressful day
long drives and roses in the backstreet
Swimming in the moonlight
You've got it all now

So why the long face
How does it feel to be at the top
Does it ever get lonely?
I bet your busy with this and that
But when the night comes to a close
she is lying right next to you
Do you ever think of me

How does it feel to have everything in your palms now
but know that you will never be close enough to hold me
Kiss the nape of my neck
and tell me that you love me

How easy it must have been for you to fall again
Fall in love
Were you ready for it or just looking for a replacement?
Something to numb pain
Something to give you the strength to walk again
Repair what broke
I hope it worked out in the end
I hope she was able to stop the hurt
I hope she was able to bring back the smile on your face
I hope she was able to fill your eyes with new dreams
I hope she was able to fill your heart with hope
I hope she walks beside you in everything that you do
I hope she never lets you down like I did

Look at the way she is looking at him
there is love, trust and longing there
Even though this is a public place buzzing with people and noisy waiters and waitresses
They are sitting across each other in a dimly lit area near the window
he says something and reaches for her hands
Even though there are people around and the children are very fussy
He laughs about something and reaches over to remove a speak of lint or paper out of her long strawberry colored locks even though the customer next to him is eyeing him like a piece of candy
She bats his hand away and picks up the menu while caressing his feet under the table
An older woman gasps but quickly covers her mouth with a wine coloured napkin
A young burly looking waiter with a mustache comes to their table and places two silver color platefuls of food
She dines on seafood and he stabs at the hunk of beef on his plate
She plays with the food before feeding him a morsel
Even though a set of twin children giggle away and mimic the young couples actions
The two carry on talking and laughing like tomorrow does not matter
Right until closing time
They polish off an entire bottle off red wine and three+ plates worth of dessert
Still no one said anything and they did not take notice of the people who threw them rude stares or mumbled under their breath
all because these two decided to dine in their pyjama's and white and grey skunk slippers tonight

Short, Long
Bright, Dark
Bold, Simple
There are so many different kinds of earrings available
But I cannot wear any of them!
I have to stick to clip-ons and magnetic earrings
Because mom said so

Huff and puff
The 5 second smile
Spin
Dip
Twirl

No where near a phone
A message or 2
Flowers at the door
Chocolates leading up to the bedroom

Keeping quiet and throwing away the key
Your dimples are on show
Wrapped like a burrito
Warm ramen
Sappy dialogues

Under the weather
Golden bell
Blanket for two
Dark chocolate
Raspberry tea
Mini marshmallows

Its been a day
Bubble robe and lavender
Sparkle and bows
Cheesecake and amaretto
Tangled up with you

Why do some people keep on making the same mistakes?
Over and over again
With a different person maybe
But the pain is the same
It hurt then
It hurts even more now
Age that does maybe
Time has passed
she is a year older
wearing a new face
carrying the same old scars
hoping someone or something new
will keep her mind off of them
distract her
make her feel shiny and brand new
make her feel worthy again
because god knows she has serious self esteem problems
unable to say no
turns no one away
wakes up to make others happy
goes to bed until she is beaten and defeated
always smiles but walks with a lost look in her eyes
always laughs
but is broken

Everyone says being angry is pointless yet this is the easiest emotion to feel
Forgives is key
Repentance is good for the soul
Nothing good comes from making a hasty decision
Shooting the messenger
Using colourful language
flipping the finger and watching as everything hits the floor and the wall
Do not stew but vent
Its not good for the heart
even my doctor agrees
What does it matter anyway when my heart has shrunk 3 sizes
because of the same people who tell me to smile more often and not frown
Its not becoming on a woman
Count my blessing because for once I am not tarnishing anybody else's reputation with my life choices
the towns people have only recently stopped talking about me and my many mishaps from 2010 and onwards
Just to deal with the ugly cards life has dealt me because it is much easier and less costly then starting all over being happy on my own terms while everyone is busy leading their own lives
My unhappiness counts for nothing
my endless tears and frustration is never seen
my anger is never felt
The elders and the rest of the ******* seem to know what is best for me
Even though they will never get to be me
Face my fears
have my set of strengths and weaknesses
everyone feels the need to repeat themselves and point their fingers at me
one grave mistake is all it takes be invisible in this pathetic town
to be ignored
to be criticized forever
to be held accountable
To be told that you will amount to nothing so shut up and do what the pristine worldly people tell you to do
How much longer before this kills me
On the inside
I bet that they will all be there for my funeral many years away from now
sporting mourning clothes as well as the right face
feeling loss and pity for my family and everybody else
but no one will never admit that they had a hefty contribution in the steady decline of my mental health
They should have minded their own business instead of meddling with mine

I missed you by a few seconds at best
I think your friends call you Ajax or Alex
I'm not too sure, I couldn't really hear anything over the noise
Happy 22nd birthday, I sincerely hope that you enjoyed it
The peoples, the music, the food and decorations all carefully selected by yours truly.
Your aunt roped me into this and she had mentioned something about a spoilt nephew
I don't think you are so spoiled

Its no secret that I like you
I have grown fond of you at this point
We go to the same college
Have had the same classes and worked on labs together as well but I don't think you remember
I also sit a few seats behind you in homeroom as well but still nothing
You steal glances at me and make snooty remarks and are extremely completive
It doesn't bother me so much
But I don't think you are spoilt brat

Its no secret that I like you
I am not sure you feel the same way about me but we get along just fine and have plenty in common
You paint with colour and I paint with words
You view the world behind heavy lenses, while I take everything in with my yes
You prefer mountains and hilly terrains while I love the view from the very top of the cheerleading pyramid
I heard from someone that things did not really work with Ciara
She is a great friend of time but I honestly think you deserved better
When two people are busy with so much and cannot make time for another things tend to fall apart
That's what happened to our friendship but don't blame her

It ***** that I cant have you for myself
For all the right reasons thought so please don't misunderstand me
I am just afraid that we will hit it off really well and then things will just fall to pieces
I mean you are very accomplished talented and self efficient
I admire all of that greatly, unfortunately I am still a work in progress
I am learning but unable to stand on my own two feet
I am grounded in one place while you have traveled the world and must be in attracted to only the type of women who have it all figured out
A pretty face, soulful eyes, the perfect career and can handle projects from all over the place
I am maybe a little more simpler then that
I hate chaos but try my very best
I don't have a concrete plan yet of what I would like to do in life and or fully understand my purpose in this world either
I am not there yet, I have accepted that but I don't want to slow you down with anything
I don't want to anger you, because of my naiveté or inexperience
Embarrass you for asking too many questions
Hurt you because of my own personal issues and insecurities
act like a fool when I am out with you and see you sounded by females and fame

Its not secret that I like you
But I am afraid that ill get burnt if I tell you how I really feel about you
I am afraid that you will play with my feelings and lead me on for as long as it suits you
I am afraid that I wont be enough for you

Everyone says

Guess what
There is only a few minutes left before you board the plane
I suppose I am to feel something right now
look at you in a meaningful way
let a few tears slip
hug you like it is for the very last time
make sure it lasts about 10 seconds
take in your manly smell if i am lucky
But...
none of that is happening
I know its going to be a quick goodbye and a casual wave
This is not a melodrama
It is just two friends saying goodbye for a brief few weeks
a break from all of your yakking and midnight escapades
There will be no more of hogging the bathroom or fighting over the last slice of pizza and pumpkin pie
no more picking up wet towels, holey socks and questionable looking briefs
I will now be able to sleep in late every weekend
eat what I like - be it chocolate or empty calories
Go out whenever needed
It all sounds... boring!

I guess I will miss you after all

I am not sure why you showed up tonight
But I think it is best if I tell you this now
I do not have much love to give these days
and feel even less
My laugh is a hollow one
I can go out but i prefer to keep to myself alot now
Not ready for hand-holding just yet
I love watching movies but I may forget that your sitting right next to me
My hands may feel like ice when you will try to reach for them
I may stare at the wall behind you as you ask me about my day or my hobbies so don't ask questions about that later
I may stop talking mid-sentence and get lost in my thought so don't feel offended
I may stay perfectly still if you try to hug me
I may turn my face away when its time to kiss good-bye
But please come in, its dreadfully cold outside.

This marks the end of another stressful day
Y'know working for a law firm isn't all that glamorous
and defending woman and children is very draining
It certainly does not help that you are in a room only two doors awauy
the walls and closed doors do nothing to conceal your voice
The voice that told me It was time to see other peoples
what I gave you was not enough
You did not waste any time in socializing
while i stayed back drinking away my pain in liquids
One shot for Valerie my red haired ex best friend
One shot for Ronnie. the piano playing colleague at work
One shot for Ashley my cousin the successful lawyer
One shot for Rita the almond skinned doe eyed newbie at work
Lets not forget the pills
because no martini is complete with an olive or three

Falling snow
Fuzzy slippers
Angora Sweater
Cozy kitchen
Baked croissants
Creme fraiche
Petite fours
Bottomless mimosas
Messy bun
Chocolate waves
Sprinkled freckles
diamond lace G string
Glossed lips
Pink toes

I do not know where you are right now
Who you are with or why you left
But not a day goes by that I do not think of you
I must admit I still wait by the phone
Old habits are hard to break and you were my worst habit
What happened to us?
Why did we have to say our goodbyes instead of our wedding vows?
My white dress sits my closet upstairs, the jewellery locked up in the safe and the venue paid in full.
I thought everything was perfect
Isn’t this what you wanted?
You always spoke about spending the rest of your lives together hand in hand
So why the sudden change in heart
You didn’t break mine but left me in pieces.

When life gets in the way
absolutely nothing is going right
I cannot think straight
anxiety follows me everywhere
I always look for you
turn to you
we live in two different places of the world
but distance is not the problem
We always have something to talk about
things to think bout
and many days to look forward too
Time becomes the enemy
when its time to go
I don't feel like leaving
Maybe it has to do with the way your eyes smile when we go out
It definitely has something to do with how you have become an expert at listening to me with and ready with sound advice
free of judgement and an open heart every single time
I always feel light and look brighter after talking to you
through letters, texts, post cards
we have done it all
I assure you the drinks have no effect on me
Dessert is always nice
but I always look forward to meeting you
our happy hour

Sorry’s and Thankyou’s

When I came into this world, the first thing I saw was your face with your skin glistening, hair plastered with your forehead, but you still smiled for me

That’s where it all started

When the nurse broke our embrace and took you away from me. I tried to cling on to you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

When everyone thought it was a best to leave me in a box that made weird noises, I cried out for you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

The first time you brought me home and held me close, I cried for three days straight
I am sorry for that mom

You gave me the bottle and I rejected it immediately ruining your clothes and sense of confidence.
I am sorry for that mom

You paced around the house and sung endless lullabies for no extra charge it only annoyed me
I am sorry for that mom

You let the house turn into a mess and stopped attending work so that I get proper sleep and function
Thank you for that mom

You gave up your social life so that you could spend more time with me
Thank you for that mom

You stopped going to see your parents and siblings so that I could take my first steps, say my first word and eat right
Thank you for that mom


You would go into a panic every time my cries got more urgent and my scream more louder
Thank you for that mom

You would lose sleep over me, whenever I could not sleep a wink because I thought there was something hiding under my bed
Thank you for that mom

You would skip meals because I thought it would be great fun to run around the house and break everything in sight
Thank you for that mom


You would get scared whenever I could not stay in place and was always very close to getting lost.
Thank you for that mom

You would stress whenever I would not finish my food and went to bed hungry.
Thank you for that mom

You would hurt whenever I fell and scraped my knees or needed stitches
Thank you for that mom

You would be patient with me every time I lost patience and could not do something right
Thank you for that mom

You taught me how to read, write and soon speak fluently
Thank you for that mom

You picked me up when I fell and refused to get up
Thank you for that mom

You comforted me every time something broke and fell apart including my goals and dreams
Thank you for that mom

Sorry for all the trouble but thank you for never giving up on me.

It is impossible to feel happy at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Be it a quick smile, a half smile
A toothy grin, too much enthusiasm and laughter

It is impossible feel sadness at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Going from talkative to silent
Withdrawing yourself from family and friends
Not giving a hoot about hair and hygiene
Staying in the dark and sleeping in the day

How about when you feel numb
Due an an illness
A death in the family
Miscarriage
Extramarital affair
Job layoff

What is there to portray and how do you accept it?

I can now truly say that time does not heal all wounds
Time does not diminish the same old feelings we have for a loved one
maybe perhaps because they were familiar territory to us and not foreign
feelings of love
feelings of euphoria
feelings of freindship
feelings of loss
feelings of regret
feelings of emptiness
feelings of madness
It all comes up weather we like it or not
maybe even intensified because of time and distance and youth
No need to look at old stories through rose tinted glasses
or count all the red flags
some times old feelings stay
a gentle push conjures up old memories
The love was never lost or given away
But I wonder why hearts break so easily
is it easier to reveal or should it always be concealed?
even after doing all that is necessary to to be whole again

Why do hearts break so easily
over yesterdays memories
a hopeful tomorrow
and a face from the past

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

My hatred for you runs so deep my dear, that someone can choke on it