You look tired and completely out of it, old friend
Your body is here but your mind elsewhere
I cannot tell what you are thinking right this minute
But I understand you were here on an assignment
To help a young but brave woman battle an untimely illness
To figure out what snatched her husband and only son on a cold night in 88
You remember him right?
you two were practically best buds in high school till you got early acceptance into the academy
Vowing to serve mankind and always make sure that justice was meted well among the poor and the restless
This could have not been easy for you
but maybe this part of the world proved to be too much for your eyes
The modern landscapes and technology
The bold lifestyle choices that are now available to the young peoples
The off putting language and mindset
You are still no good with words but I know you were mortified on seeing woman prance around with their little doggies in million dollar purses
Men showing of their briefs and pierced earlobes in the streets
Babies clinging more to their phones then pacifiers
I also know that you fell hard for a wine maker's daughter
Trinity
I don't think she was at the academy
Fine wine wont be enough to forget her assets
Go on talk to her while I wait

He left
I stayed back
Wearing a mask made from pain, and grief from morning to night
Choking from all that wasted time, energy and potential
The potential to grow together as a couple
To travel the world and learn from eachother
We have clearly both moved on
but still…
He is probably flying from country to country with her fingers intertwined in his
While I still here in this chair old as time and reminiscing about a simpler time
Well.. it was simple in my head
When I thought I was happy with him
I thought about the big pink elephant that was always there and refused to budge
Life being all about rainbows and roses
And the glass being half full
Too bad it is not strong enough to wash down the bitter feelings
That still make their way to my throat and stay there.

Falling snow
Fuzzy slippers
Angora Sweater
Cozy kitchen
Baked croissants
Creme fraiche
Petite fours
Bottomless mimosas
Messy bun
Chocolate waves
Sprinkled freckles
diamond lace G string
Glossed lips
Pink toes

Oh I am so glad your leaving
I can finally sleep in till 10 over the weekends
I can stay up and study passed midnight without any disturbances
There will be no one there to criticize my food
My clothing and choice in shoes
Shame me about how I’ve gained 2 pounds in the last three months
I am free from your snide comments about my choice to continue my studies after marriage
I am free from your demanding ways
Stubborn nature
“Holier-then-thou” attitude
Best of all nobody will be hogging the couch or leave the toilet seat up!

The ivory page with the floral detailing stares back at me
waiting to be caressed the soft tip of a feather or pen
my array of colored ink and lead lay motionless on the mahogany desk
There is plenty going through this head of mine
but I am unable to write tonight
A simple sentence, stanza, song or story
the task of jotting down words, and forming sentences is too much for me
The letters do not flow, they have become scrambled up like alphabet soup
the sentences make no sense and are falling apart like my favorite pearl necklace
my voice is broken
The paper void of words, emotion and passion, is soaking up tears instead and the red ink has bleed into my fingers
Maybe some things are better left unsaid!

We lay here together
on a bed of polyester and colored cotton
held together by two palm trees
tiny lights dance above our heads
a path of candles of light the way to the guest house
I do not wish to change anything about this picture
but there is no happy ending to this
I cannot change how I feel about you
When we are together, it is easy to talk
the words slip out from my lips
there is no place for awkward pauses and
time is not wasted on hesitation and useless assumptions about each other
I can talk to you about you about anything
dreams, nightmares, wants, needs, past losses, and the future
yes some of our conversations escalate to screaming matches
but for the most part its nice
I am not sure how to tell you this
The words are stuck in my throat
my skin suddenly feels strange
cold
you feel it too
your hands rub mine
But I feel nothing
when you touch me
in other ways
the butterflies are dead
no goosebumps, whatsoever
no sheer bliss to loose myself in
just endless silence
and a rude ending

He said, she was too plain looking
So Jane learned the How-to’s of Hair and Makeup

He said she weighed too much
Jane changed up her diet and began to exercise more

He said that she was not very bright
Jane threw herself into her school work and come home with nothing less then an A

He said that she should learn how to cook right
Jane learned how to cook all of his favorite meals to perfection

He said that she should give up her hobbies
Jane threw everything away the very next day with a smile

He said that she should stay home and tend to his needs more often
Jane now stays home 4 days out of seven without a complaint

He said that babies are a must
Jane threw caution to her future and her dreams and did things his way

He said that his mom did not approve of her ways
She put her foot down and said “ Love me for me, or leave me!”

He loves numbers
I once had a T-shirt that said “I hate numbers”

He can sing and is a bass guitarist
I’ve never hit a single note in my life

He does not believe in the power of positivity
I personally thrive on it

He never forgets anything
I am pathetic when it comes to dates

He is…Ross
I am Racheal

He can roam around the city all day long
I can stay home all day long

He is a hygiene freak
I throw my towel on the floor

He eats very clean
I don’t I need my carbs

He takes foreverrr to get ready in the morning
I take15 minutes

He loves horror movies
I close my eyes 99.9% of the time during a horror movie

He is on snapchat all the time
I hate dog filters


Yes we are very different but we complete each other

It feels so good to be home right now
Tonight wasn’t exactly perfect
You made me wait at the restaurant for hours
Claiming that you had lost your wallet earlier
Who loses their wallet in their own house?
You are just super messy
So it is unbelievable how you always show up to places looking like a million bucks but barely have 100 bucks to your name
Your tie was a disaster and didn’t exactly match my sapphire dress as we had planned
The food was scrumptious but I couldn’t enjoy more than three bites because your phone kept on ringing
I thought it was just going to be the two of us
But you had your boss on speakerphone
Dessert was going well until you fell out of your seat
Was it because of the waitress who kept on dabbing at your shirt to get rid of non-existent drops of water or have you always had trouble sitting still?
The bill was eighty-eight seventy-five but you came up three dollars short
Thank goodness I had a twenty on me
Now wipe that lipstick off your face and go pour me a stiff one

Its dark outside and getting very cold
I look at Brian
He looks so lost and tired
With very little money and hope in our hearts we aren’t sure where to turn
They wont find us here I pray to my self
There is a group of people to the right and a long road that stretches to the left
We decide to walk down the road
There aren’t too many people around and no one who might recognize us
We pass a restaurant or two
He shakes his head he isn’t feeling very hungry and I’ve got not appetite tonight
A convenient store, We have all that we need
A jewellery store, the simple gold band with leafy etches is just perfect for my finger
We keep walking till we stop at a big building with plenty of widows all covered in black and has the number 230 etched into the wall
An ugly green rectangle serves as the door.
It looks very run down so hopefully the inside looks better
I put on a fake a smile and walk inside
I make my way to the lobby but it does not get better
Within seconds strange smells assault my nose.
It smelled like desperation
A mix made from whiskey, cigarettes, sausage and cabbage
I hold my nose and Brian does the same
We meet a young thing at the reception hall with overly pale skin and the lightest blue eyes that almost seem to glow
She has a black bob with too many piercings on
She looks us over and her eyes linger on brains face just three seconds longer
She asks for ID and cash
60$ a night for peace of mind- not too bad I guess
He smiles at her and is presented a rusty looking silver key
No more words are exchanged and we make a run for the room.
I Just want to lie down for a minute
I fumble with the lock and we welcome a room full of darkness.
The light switch does not work so both of us touch our way to the bed
Place the keys and bits of nothing on the nearest bedside table
Kick of our shoes at once and lay in bed.
My feet hurt like hell but I say nothing
I am petite in size so I climb on top of Brian
Slow melodious music starts playing in the distance just then
His fingers reach for my face
This almost feels perfect lou the dark, the music and just us
I say nothing and allow my lips to hungrily seek out his neck before they make there way to his lips
Yes the perfect night to a horrible day as man and wife

It has just been a year and some days
But I think I’m falling out of love with you
Maybe it was when you called me out and said that my clothes don’t fit right
Maybe it was when you said my hair is too short, and it makes me look like a boy
Maybe it was when you said I had no ambitions in life
Gave it no thought and just laughed it off
Even after you  knew about my past
Bits and pieces, but certainly enough for a stranger
Maybe it was when you started to compare me with other woman
“look how thin she is”
“ look how well she manages her husband”
“look at the way she runs her household”
No woman likes being compared my dear
So I am no exception
But I must say I am glad it has happened
You expect too much from your forever person and they well hurt you
They well let you down
You sit in silence and expect him to understand you
It never works
You argue, loose patience and try to make him understand you
But he does not
He tells you what he thinks is right and calls it a night
Well  this will be the last time you hurt me
Misunderstand me
Make me cry
I feel pounds lighter
My expectations are slowly dying one by one
Maybe it is for the best
Distance has done nothing for this heart
I cannot even say I am sorry for the ways things have ended on my part

he counts the money
I count calories
he dresses up like he always has a board meeting to attend
you can usually find me in pastel coloured tees and black tights
he eats like he is on a diet
I eat like I just broke up
He leafs through big old dusty encyclopedia's
I have my nose in one of his mothers many cookbooks
he drinks spritzers and tonic
I have the weirdest craving for Smirnoff
he sits in his lazyboy and flips through the news and sports channel
all I have been watching a lot of is Gordon Ramsey
he lost a deal
I lost my recipe cards

I think I met you on a Sunday
I think it was at the mall where I work
I think you smiled at me
I think I was adjusting a mannequin when you walked in
I think you asked about a pink scarf
I think it was for your sisters birthday
I think you invited me
I think I asked you to meet me at 6pm

Everything else after that was a blur
That was three years ago

I don’t remember when we last smiled at each other and meant it
I don’t remember when we last held each other for dear life
I don’t remember when we last sat down to eat dinner together
Woke up to bagels and rose for sunday brunch on the roof

That was eons ago

I cant forget the sadness you wear every day
I cant forget the anger that is buried deep in your eyes
I cant forget the pain that creeps into your dreams and keeps me awake at nights
I cant forget all your broken promises
I cant forget about all the yesterdays we’ve wasted together

Its time to move on

From you
From her
From my old self

Are we born with one or do we begin to loose it as we grow older an find our way
Does it leave us when we take a on a new personality
When we have all of papers and are able to move up the corporate ladder
Smile, shake hands but mainly call the shots
Take on new challenges and and search for bigger highs
Talk with people who seem nice but do not want to be found
Figure out the difference between lover and friend
When you finally got hold of her phone number
Have him wrapped up so good around your diamond clad pinky finger
After nights of spending time, laughing over nothing
Getting caught up in each other, scraps of red lace tendrils of reddish blonde hair
Catching  fireflies, feelings, and unspoken desires
Coming home with red lips and skin cleansed from a bathwater of lust and sin
Having one last shot before linking arms with Mrs No Name
Making that much dreaded weekly call to the wife telling her your caught up at work and cant come home for the weekend
When really you are taking picture after picture of a women who is calling out for you over and over again
When the bills continue to pile up but your having too much fun gambling away your wife’s smile, children's college funds and the money for chemo
When you have no where left to to but to the safety box and carry metal around in your pocket till you've found the perfect place to pull the trigger

Huff and puff
The 5 second smile
Spin
Dip
Twirl

No where near a phone
A message or 2
Flowers at the door
Chocolates leading up to the bedroom

Keeping quiet and throwing away the key
Your dimples are on show
Wrapped like a burrito
Warm ramen
Sappy dialogues

Under the weather
Golden bell
Blanket for two
Dark chocolate
Raspberry tea
Mini marshmallows

Its been a day
Bubble robe and lavender
Sparkle and bows
Cheesecake and amaretto
Tangled up with you

She looks at herself in the mirror
5'4 and 130 lbs
not bad according to her friends
Perfect in the eyes of her family
so-so yell out the public
but she refuses to believe any of it
the prized curls and timed blue eyes do nothing to change the opinion she has of her self
Mom says God makes no mistakes
Hmm
Her closet is full of things from 2010-2015
The best years of her life
She was wafer thin and dainty
everyone said so
Now her frame just disgusted her
she pulled at her sides
turned around
and stared at her legs
This wont do
she decides all at once
she quickly dresses up in grey and charcoal and heads downstairs for another job around the block
its her second one today
the kitchen smells like Shepard's pie and salad drowning in ranch
she does't flinch at the sight of food
Holds her nose and makes it our of the house
its not that she does not like eating
she just doesn't want to think about
a waste of time, actually
some may stare at her because of this
while others think its unhealthy and borderline crazy
but she finds it addicting

Leaving Town

Thank you for all the time you spent with me
It was unexpected, and generous
Reminising about the past
Thinking about the future
Making peace
Finding some form of closure
Finding the strength to move on

I am not sure from what exactly
Thinking about you
The memories of us
The wasted time
The wasted energy
I am past it, I think

Flinching away from the shrapnel of dreans and goals
Talking to you was no easy talk
It took all I had to look into your eyes as you sat across me and not judge you
Understand you and forgive you
It took all I had to sit there as if it were nothing and simply talk without letting old feelings cloud my judgement
Speak my mind!
Be tougjh and firm with my words!
But I faltered…

It took all I had to not want to feel the familiar warmth of your hands brush against my cheeks like old times
We didn’t order Bumblerry pie and Ale that day
The coffee become stale and people buzzed around us
But I only had eyes for you
I looked at you so intently until I could look no more
The tears came minutes later like clockwork
I could not stop it
I do not know why
My revolve melted away
Maybe it was due to your voice
The soothing gestures
The new found kindness in your eyes
The humble behavior towards me

I know you will always be my weakness
But I didn’t deserve this
To feel broken all over again

Will this day ever end?
from 8-5pm
Room 302
English, French, Biology, Arithmetic, Spanish
and who knows what else
I long for my comfy bed and the warmth of my room upstairs
the teacher drones on all day
she's ok but she has an god-awful nasally voice
nope its not congestion
she must have been born that way
She talks and paces the room
back-and-forth
back-and-forth
Its enough to give me neck pain
But the ruler that she has on her is the absolute worst
its 30 cm long and made from wood
I long for a proper breakfast and big cups of creamy cocoa
Who eats porridge anymore?
cinnamon makes me sneeze
and I will turn green if I see another granny smith apple
I want to go out and just walk around--
" So could you tell us what the answer is Harold"
It's 32 Mom
Uh- I mean Mam

Yesterday
Are you like me stuck in the past but still living in the present?
Does your mind wonder back to the past loves, regrets and losses?
Does the sun reminds you of all the times he chased you in the grass
Does the moon remind you of the long walks you two would go on at night
Do the stars remind you of all the nights you spent over the phone wishing upon a star for the things that no longer matter
Do the flowers remind you of your first valentine
Does the candy remind you of the way he surprised you on the day of your 3 month anniversary when you first met back in high school
Does chocolate reminds of the way he would make up with you after a small disagreement on date night
Does red remind you of the color he loved to see you in every friday when he would take you out to the movies
Do teddy bears remind you of the carnival you two went on during the summer
Do diamonds remind of you the night he proposed under the water fountain before the moon and stars
Dec 31 now a reminder of the day he lost you

Its been close to 30 days I think but I don't feel like I have changed very much
I have moved out of our lavish home and into something more modest with just two bedrooms
One filled with books, letters, and unopened memories
I don't trust myself with those yet
Your clothes, cologne, and everything in between has been locked up in storage
the walls are no longer stare back at me
I can see you from everywhere
You smile at me from the kitchen when I am standing before the stove with my black hair all disheveled in my mismatched house slippers
You always remain deep in thought in the study room whenever I go in to pen out letters or thank you notes
Maybe it hurts even less now when the day is over
I cant say, I no longer sit still in front of the tv lost in other peoples daily squabbles and superficial relationships
I don't waste any time thinking about 2018 or the first time we met
but yes I do feel bad... only for 5 minutes though!
I don't think i'm going to be dating any time soon but I am open to new faces
Marriage is not in the cards but I don't mind being a bridesmaid again
Anniversaries are tough, but I just go on a much needed holiday
I haven't given up on what you loved the most
I still write late into the night till my fingers hurt
I still bake year round till the house smells like gingersnaps and chocolate
the piano gets a check up twice a year on our birthdays 6 months apart
there's still me
I haven't given up yet

Its normal to forget sometimes, right?
Perhaps a face
the way your lovers face searches for the truth whenever she has caught you in a lie
or maybe what day of the week it is
But in my case, it really isn’t
I sometimes have no recollection of an entire event
Be it 5 minutes long or something that lasted for a very long time
I cannot remember the who, what, where, or the when
The why part never really seems to make any sense to me afterwards
I wasn’t always like this but now I have been dubbed as the woman who is very likely to loose herself one day
Its not too far from the truth to be honest,
I wish i could forget some things
Expcially the people who no longer exsist
Its perfectly notmal for me to be immersed in grading papers and making last minute edits to powerpoints due the next morning  but I still cannot for the number of punches you threw down at me, every time you were ****** about something
I can be talking over the phone with some one but then my brain starts to itch in trying to remember if you ever truly loved me
I can sit in total silence, comepletely relaxed but I can't seem to forget forget why i ever sacrificed so much for you when everybody else knew that we were never going to last and you would be the first to walk away
Times are different now
I know that
But i still cannot forget.

“Whoa there”
“Slow down a bit and talk to me”
“ I just put a fresh cup of coffee”
“ the cookies are cooling”
“ The children can wait”
“ The dogs asleep by my feet”
“ Your office will still be there on the ground 5 minutes from now”
“ I think you boss is an ***”

My husbands gives me his famous smirk and places a kiss on top of my head

“ Look outside and see that its snowing”
“ Not that fairy-tale or night before Christmas kind of snow either”
“ I must leave now or else the kids wont get to school on time
“Drop the dog off at V’s”
“Yes It will still be there but I have a meeting in an hour”
“ I do think he is an first class ***”

He bites into my cookie and makes his way to the door.

How easy it must have been for you to fall again
Fall in love
Were you ready for it or just looking for a replacement?
Something to numb pain
Something to give you the strength to walk again
Repair what broke
I hope it worked out in the end
I hope she was able to stop the hurt
I hope she was able to bring back the smile on your face
I hope she was able to fill your eyes with new dreams
I hope she was able to fill your heart with hope
I hope she walks beside you in everything that you do
I hope she never lets you down like I did

Whats the matter
Why do you look so sad?
Isn't this is what you've always wanted
isn't this what you've always talked about
Suit and Tie
Shaking hands with the big people
Smiling and the charming the people who you don't really care about
9:00 meeting
Perky PA's
handsome salary and little to no over time
so you could go home to her just in time
to celebrate anniversaries and have fun on Friday nights
Winding down after a long and stressful day
long drives and roses in the backstreet
Swimming in the moonlight
You've got it all now

So why the long face
How does it feel to be at the top
Does it ever get lonely?
I bet your busy with this and that
But when the night comes to a close
she is lying right next to you
Do you ever think of me

How does it feel to have everything in your palms now
but know that you will never be close enough to hold me
Kiss the nape of my neck
and tell me that you love me

I missed you by a few seconds at best
I think your friends call you Ajax or Alex
I'm not too sure, I couldn't really hear anything over the noise
Happy 22nd birthday, I sincerely hope that you enjoyed it
The peoples, the music, the food and decorations all carefully selected by yours truly.
Your aunt roped me into this and she had mentioned something about a spoilt nephew
I don't think you are so spoiled

Its no secret that I like you
I have grown fond of you at this point
We go to the same college
Have had the same classes and worked on labs together as well but I don't think you remember
I also sit a few seats behind you in homeroom as well but still nothing
You steal glances at me and make snooty remarks and are extremely completive
It doesn't bother me so much
But I don't think you are spoilt brat

Its no secret that I like you
I am not sure you feel the same way about me but we get along just fine and have plenty in common
You paint with colour and I paint with words
You view the world behind heavy lenses, while I take everything in with my yes
You prefer mountains and hilly terrains while I love the view from the very top of the cheerleading pyramid
I heard from someone that things did not really work with Ciara
She is a great friend of time but I honestly think you deserved better
When two people are busy with so much and cannot make time for another things tend to fall apart
That's what happened to our friendship but don't blame her

It ***** that I cant have you for myself
For all the right reasons thought so please don't misunderstand me
I am just afraid that we will hit it off really well and then things will just fall to pieces
I mean you are very accomplished talented and self efficient
I admire all of that greatly, unfortunately I am still a work in progress
I am learning but unable to stand on my own two feet
I am grounded in one place while you have traveled the world and must be in attracted to only the type of women who have it all figured out
A pretty face, soulful eyes, the perfect career and can handle projects from all over the place
I am maybe a little more simpler then that
I hate chaos but try my very best
I don't have a concrete plan yet of what I would like to do in life and or fully understand my purpose in this world either
I am not there yet, I have accepted that but I don't want to slow you down with anything
I don't want to anger you, because of my naiveté or inexperience
Embarrass you for asking too many questions
Hurt you because of my own personal issues and insecurities
act like a fool when I am out with you and see you sounded by females and fame

Its not secret that I like you
But I am afraid that ill get burnt if I tell you how I really feel about you
I am afraid that you will play with my feelings and lead me on for as long as it suits you
I am afraid that I wont be enough for you

Why do some people keep on making the same mistakes?
Over and over again
With a different person maybe
But the pain is the same
It hurt then
It hurts even more now
Age that does maybe
Time has passed
she is a year older
wearing a new face
carrying the same old scars
hoping someone or something new
will keep her mind off of them
distract her
make her feel shiny and brand new
make her feel worthy again
because god knows she has serious self esteem problems
unable to say no
turns no one away
wakes up to make others happy
goes to bed until she is beaten and defeated
always smiles but walks with a lost look in her eyes
always laughs
but is broken

Soon to be Parents

Just got the news
Congrats to you and her
But that’s all

I cant put my feelings into words
I shrugged my shoulders and thought that it didn’t matter
Good for them
More responsibility
Sleepless nights
No control of the body or bladder
Cravings
Last minutes texts
A 30 year commitment
He will probably be able to handle it now
They look happy together
Everywhere
Cheesy poses
Hats and drinks all around
She looks healthy and is glowing
Definitely not a barbie doll thin anymore
None of this should matter to me

But I cant not put my feelings into words
Anger, Annoyance Maybe even relief

My yesterdays can be replayed over and over in my dreams
Today went by too quickly
I hope tomorrow will be a day to remember

Everyone says being angry is pointless yet this is the easiest emotion to feel
Forgives is key
Repentance is good for the soul
Nothing good comes from making a hasty decision
Shooting the messenger
Using colourful language
flipping the finger and watching as everything hits the floor and the wall
Do not stew but vent
Its not good for the heart
even my doctor agrees
What does it matter anyway when my heart has shrunk 3 sizes
because of the same people who tell me to smile more often and not frown
Its not becoming on a woman
Count my blessing because for once I am not tarnishing anybody else's reputation with my life choices
the towns people have only recently stopped talking about me and my many mishaps from 2010 and onwards
Just to deal with the ugly cards life has dealt me because it is much easier and less costly then starting all over being happy on my own terms while everyone is busy leading their own lives
My unhappiness counts for nothing
my endless tears and frustration is never seen
my anger is never felt
The elders and the rest of the ******* seem to know what is best for me
Even though they will never get to be me
Face my fears
have my set of strengths and weaknesses
everyone feels the need to repeat themselves and point their fingers at me
one grave mistake is all it takes be invisible in this pathetic town
to be ignored
to be criticized forever
to be held accountable
To be told that you will amount to nothing so shut up and do what the pristine worldly people tell you to do
How much longer before this kills me
On the inside
I bet that they will all be there for my funeral many years away from now
sporting mourning clothes as well as the right face
feeling loss and pity for my family and everybody else
but no one will never admit that they had a hefty contribution in the steady decline of my mental health
They should have minded their own business instead of meddling with mine

I think they belonged to my grandmother
I have been hearing about these shoes since I was eight
I am nineteen now
I have seen them in black and white and in color
They are slippers and much better then the ones Cinderella wore
The tips are made from real gold I am told
My grandmother never said where she got them from
Or from who
A birthday? A garage sale?
Her father? Grandpa?
All she said was that they made her feel light and happy
Not a day over 20!
She felt like dancing
She had dainty looking feet so I bet she would dance for hours
I found the box but where could those shoes be hiding?

I Met you
Life seemed perfect
The air smelled sweet
The trees looked greener then usual
I was starting to like the sounds of children laughing and playing
I looked forward to rainy days and take out
I looked forwards to the days that were to come
A future that sounded to good to be true
It was all coming together
Until one night
There was a lot of screaming involved
Crying
Cursing
Stomping
Breaking
Bleeding
You wiped away my smile instead of my tears
You broke my wrist
You ruined my sleep
You tarnished my dreams
Took everything away from me
Ripped away
The Happy
The Bubbly
The Optimistic
The Charismatic
The Funny
The Ambitious
Bits of me
Left me alone with the
Panic
Anger
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment
Failure

I don't know where he is taking me
He wont talk
He is just staring straight ahead at the nearly empty road and sitting there stony faced
I reached for his hand, but it feels cold and wet
I want to make conversation but now clearly isn't the time
So I stare out the window
lost in my own thoughts

Today was really tough
We are busy with the rest of the world and have no time for each other
frustrated about other peoples problems and now not acknowledging our own
Chasing money and but forgetting about his needs
He makes a sharp turn
My thoughts bounce around in my head
He clears his throat like he wants to say something, but doesn't
Will be finally propose?
Did he get that grant he really needed?
Will the painting be finished by this week?
No way to know

He speeds up
I can feel my anxiety level risings
He knows that I hate it when he drives like a maniac
Oh he's upset and its bad news
Did someone pass
Did he get married?
Is there something wrong with the renovations?
No way to know
he drives
I can finally breath for a few minutes
until we pass a bump

Its raining now
that doesn't bother him tonight
normally he complains
I think its romantic
This must be really bad
He finally stops
unbuckles his seat belt
"We need to talk"

Can you tell me how long we have been together
5 long eventful years
Nope it wasn't all about the candy, candle light dinners and heart shaped pizzas
What the movies are made of
or books that romanticize the notion of love
No I was not in love with the idea of falling in love
In fact, our relationship was like any other
We had our fair share of disagreements
heated discussions
Fights about nothing that lasted till 3am and so loud that the cops had to intervene on more then one occasion
Triumphs
Typical rainy days
lazy Saturday mornings sitting in front of the tv with the cereal
and our version of "sick days ;)
We have been through practically everything
But when will you stop lying to me?
Tomorrow? Next week?
It starts with your eyes- I know those baby blues are searching for something more
then your lips- They form a permanent smile now, even when things are really bad
then your arms- your hugs used to be a lot better
then with your body- It is just an act in the dark
Finally with your heart- It has shrunk 3 sizes
Give it up--this is it
we have reached the finishing line
Sign those papers and let yourself go...

I am standing at the corner
For the ogling
Lewd glances
Cat calls
Sweet lies
But a hot meal too

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day

I am sorry I took my hands for granted
They have done so much for me till now
They helped me with my chores
They helped me with my studies
They helped me get a job
They helped me look after my ailing parents
They helped me built a house
They helped me raise a family of four
They helped me sooth wounds and repair broken relationships
They helped me start my own bakery
They helped me maintain my marriage
They helped me when leo left and chose to spend the rest of his life behind bars
They helped me when the house and car was ceased by the bank
They helped me move into a smaller apartment
They helped me when my children moved far away from me and decided that they were too busy to make time for their mother
They helped me adopt a little girl
They helped me find love again in ex-football player who makes really good steak
They helped me heal when my daughter passed away in her sleep

They have helped me accomplish so much and have turned me into the woman I am today
I am sad to say that my hands look nothing like before
My elegant fingers and hands are rough and have swelled up over the years
They are bent from doing so much
I only wish that I was able to hold on to my husbands hands before the doctors wheel him into the ICU

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

Not sure what time it is right now
I am finally awake
Awake from what must have been a dream last night
Sitting down by the cozy fireplace
Toes splayed out
After a meal of duck breast red wine and dark cherries
Watched you put the finishing on what I thought was dessert
When the lights went off
the fire blazed
You made your way towards me
With a small decanter of cognac
It was only inches away from my lips
You clumsily dropped it
Not sure it if you did it on purpose
The green velvet had to come off
You had been eyeing it all night
The lace too
Drenched in cognac
yours for the taking
no more restraint
shirtless
unreadable
teeth sank into cognac flavoured skin
they sought out cherry lips
we never moved from the spot
But the thirst was quenched

It is impossible to feel happy at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Be it a quick smile, a half smile
A toothy grin, too much enthusiasm and laughter

It is impossible feel sadness at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Going from talkative to silent
Withdrawing yourself from family and friends
Not giving a hoot about hair and hygiene
Staying in the dark and sleeping in the day

How about when you feel numb
Due an an illness
A death in the family
Miscarriage
Extramarital affair
Job layoff

What is there to portray and how do you accept it?

So... there is this girl that I like
She goes by the name Fiora
She is about 5’2 with dark hair and beautiful green eyes
Like green emeralds with a touch of grey
I have never seen anything like it
She has the cutest little laugh and dimples
I should know because I made her laugh just yesterday
We attend the same college together but we are not in the same class  
Or part of the same caste a lot like star crossed lovers
The problem is that I do not know how to tell her that I like her
Notice that I said like and not love!
I am a pro at talking in front of people but whenever I am in her presence or  come up of a hundred ways to get to close to her.. To pass her paper and ask for the textbook of course I start to stammer and my ears become bright red… Not very attractive I know
But I believe that love should be patient, so I wait everyday till after school at the bus stop, hoping that I see her so that I could take the bus home with her and so far that has only happened once.
I believe that love should be kind, so I walk her to class every chance I get and carry her books as well.
I believe that love does not envy, so I do not become agitated or sad whenever she decides to sit next to another boy during lunch time or talks to one near her locker
I believe that love does not boast, so I do not brag about my capabilities and assets to the public I do my best to remain humble at all times.
I believe that love is not proud, so I make sure to apologize to her whenever I have say or  do the wrong thing by accident
I believe love does not dishonor, so I come to her defense whenever someone feels the need to belittle her in order to make himself feel better by playing with her insecurities and calling her unflattering names.
I believe that love is not self seeking, so I go out of my way to help her whenever she is feeling low by bringing her a small trinket, if she is stressed I make her laugh and if she wishes to be alone I give her space.
I believe that love is not easily angered, because I have plenty of patience. Though she is smart, pretty and kind she can also be an annoying know-it-all sometimes
I believe that love does not keep a record of right or wrongs, so I forgive and move past a few of the times she has hurt my feeling by not wishing me on my big win during Debates or changing her mind last minute when she promised to help me study for a biology exam
I believe that love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, so I kept a brave face the day she told me that she was interested in a nobody, which I was not good enough for her because he came from a lot of money, swore too much and was held back twice.
I believe that love always protects, even though Fiora has decided to go out with this guy I let her know that I am only a call away if things get out of hand
I believe that love trusts so I trust her to make the right decision during the date.
I believe that love hopes so I can only hope that she feels the same way I feel about her tonight
Now what god?

Look at the way she is looking at him
there is love, trust and longing there
Even though this is a public place buzzing with people and noisy waiters and waitresses
They are sitting across each other in a dimly lit area near the window
he says something and reaches for her hands
Even though there are people around and the children are very fussy
He laughs about something and reaches over to remove a speak of lint or paper out of her long strawberry colored locks even though the customer next to him is eyeing him like a piece of candy
She bats his hand away and picks up the menu while caressing his feet under the table
An older woman gasps but quickly covers her mouth with a wine coloured napkin
A young burly looking waiter with a mustache comes to their table and places two silver color platefuls of food
She dines on seafood and he stabs at the hunk of beef on his plate
She plays with the food before feeding him a morsel
Even though a set of twin children giggle away and mimic the young couples actions
The two carry on talking and laughing like tomorrow does not matter
Right until closing time
They polish off an entire bottle off red wine and three+ plates worth of dessert
Still no one said anything and they did not take notice of the people who threw them rude stares or mumbled under their breath
all because these two decided to dine in their pyjama's and white and grey skunk slippers tonight

Short, Long
Bright, Dark
Bold, Simple
There are so many different kinds of earrings available
But I cannot wear any of them!
I have to stick to clip-ons and magnetic earrings
Because mom said so

When I met you, my heart raced
When I met you, my hands shook
When I met you, my knees went weak
When I met you, my heart was full

Time passed

When I think about about you now my heart still races
because you are no longer beside me
When I think about you now my hands still shake
because you left in a rush
When I think about you now knees still go weak
Because I know I lost you forever
When I think about you now my heart is still full
Of grief

I bet some famous woman looking to get her face on something else in the market endorsed this product
She probably doesn't even need to loose any weight
Or spend her lunch hours stabbing into wilted greens and watery sauces
I hope this was worth the money
Birthday presents are suppose to be thoughtful
I know he was thinking of something when he bought me these
But i will admit that i have done other things to loose the same old 10 ten pounds all the unties seem to notice when i step out
Expensive atrocious smelling smoothies are suppose to work but they just made me gag
Fewer calorie bars had caught my moms eye but by the third attempt they started to taste like chocolate and cookie dough tires
The after taste alone will want to make you brush your teeth 4 times a day
Vegan granola sounds exotic for sure but after awhile I just stopped trying
Whey protein turned into honey drizzled pancakes sounds appetizing but i couldn't get past the smell
Yes i have a sensitive nose
So the neighbour enjoyed those instead
Egg whites are great and lentil patties are delicious
Cricket flour and taro ice cream required more time getting used to
Jellies, and gummies happen to be a weakness because I can never stop at the recommended serving size
I eat enough for 3 days instead of one
Apple cider vinegar is great melting away fat but I prefer to use it to clean the house instead
Flax seeds remind me of bird food
Anyone else see what I see?
I can eat acai berries by the pound
But this week I will have to settle for weird looking lollipops that are suppose to curb the appetite
I can finally have candy for lunch!

I can now truly say that time does not heal all wounds
Time does not diminish the same old feelings we have for a loved one
maybe perhaps because they were familiar territory to us and not foreign
feelings of love
feelings of euphoria
feelings of freindship
feelings of loss
feelings of regret
feelings of emptiness
feelings of madness
It all comes up weather we like it or not
maybe even intensified because of time and distance and youth
No need to look at old stories through rose tinted glasses
or count all the red flags
some times old feelings stay
a gentle push conjures up old memories
The love was never lost or given away
But I wonder why hearts break so easily
is it easier to reveal or should it always be concealed?
even after doing all that is necessary to to be whole again

Why do hearts break so easily
over yesterdays memories
a hopeful tomorrow
and a face from the past

Everyone says

Guess what
There is only a few minutes left before you board the plane
I suppose I am to feel something right now
look at you in a meaningful way
let a few tears slip
hug you like it is for the very last time
make sure it lasts about 10 seconds
take in your manly smell if i am lucky
But...
none of that is happening
I know its going to be a quick goodbye and a casual wave
This is not a melodrama
It is just two friends saying goodbye for a brief few weeks
a break from all of your yakking and midnight escapades
There will be no more of hogging the bathroom or fighting over the last slice of pizza and pumpkin pie
no more picking up wet towels, holey socks and questionable looking briefs
I will now be able to sleep in late every weekend
eat what I like - be it chocolate or empty calories
Go out whenever needed
It all sounds... boring!

I guess I will miss you after all

I complain too much
I know
Blame it on my age
My inexperience
My foolishness
My endless optimism
It will change
It will all end soon
I am starting to realize now
Today in fact
That I am the one who was wrong
Who made all the mistakes
Asking too much from the wrong person
What is normal to me
Is foreign to you
What is important to me
Is fantasy to you
What hurts me
is just weakness to you
My problems just sound like complaints
My mental health is just fluff
Nothing to pay attention to
Something that will just go away
With a wave of the hand
A walk in the park
Smoke rings and alcohol breath
Will shut it all down
I've been praying for change for so long
Now I realize things have been wrong between us since the beginning
Its no paradise
But I'm the fool

This marks the end of another stressful day
Y'know working for a law firm isn't all that glamorous
and defending woman and children is very draining
It certainly does not help that you are in a room only two doors awauy
the walls and closed doors do nothing to conceal your voice
The voice that told me It was time to see other peoples
what I gave you was not enough
You did not waste any time in socializing
while i stayed back drinking away my pain in liquids
One shot for Valerie my red haired ex best friend
One shot for Ronnie. the piano playing colleague at work
One shot for Ashley my cousin the successful lawyer
One shot for Rita the almond skinned doe eyed newbie at work
Lets not forget the pills
because no martini is complete with an olive or three

Sorry’s and Thankyou’s

When I came into this world, the first thing I saw was your face with your skin glistening, hair plastered with your forehead, but you still smiled for me

That’s where it all started

When the nurse broke our embrace and took you away from me. I tried to cling on to you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

When everyone thought it was a best to leave me in a box that made weird noises, I cried out for you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

The first time you brought me home and held me close, I cried for three days straight
I am sorry for that mom

You gave me the bottle and I rejected it immediately ruining your clothes and sense of confidence.
I am sorry for that mom

You paced around the house and sung endless lullabies for no extra charge it only annoyed me
I am sorry for that mom

You let the house turn into a mess and stopped attending work so that I get proper sleep and function
Thank you for that mom

You gave up your social life so that you could spend more time with me
Thank you for that mom

You stopped going to see your parents and siblings so that I could take my first steps, say my first word and eat right
Thank you for that mom


You would go into a panic every time my cries got more urgent and my scream more louder
Thank you for that mom

You would lose sleep over me, whenever I could not sleep a wink because I thought there was something hiding under my bed
Thank you for that mom

You would skip meals because I thought it would be great fun to run around the house and break everything in sight
Thank you for that mom


You would get scared whenever I could not stay in place and was always very close to getting lost.
Thank you for that mom

You would stress whenever I would not finish my food and went to bed hungry.
Thank you for that mom

You would hurt whenever I fell and scraped my knees or needed stitches
Thank you for that mom

You would be patient with me every time I lost patience and could not do something right
Thank you for that mom

You taught me how to read, write and soon speak fluently
Thank you for that mom

You picked me up when I fell and refused to get up
Thank you for that mom

You comforted me every time something broke and fell apart including my goals and dreams
Thank you for that mom

Sorry for all the trouble but thank you for never giving up on me.