14x 9
Presently worth $196,000
But what do I give away for the little girl that lives in the guest house
And the needy children around here
I turn on the light, and a picture of color, fabric, glitter, sparkle, and a few fashion faux pas stare back at me

The black dress is an dior original I wore it to mom’s funeral
My very first pink onsie from daddy is too small but it is too cute to give away
The red and white plaid skirt I wore on my last day of junior high
Tye-dye shirts the result of boring rainy Saturdays spent sitting around at home
Black knee high boots, I call those my stripper shoes
How could I part with any of this?

Each color was handpicked to complement my skin tone and conceal my vitiligo
Each botton here is one of a kind
Each portion of fabric was created for my small frame
Each scrap of embroidery was flown in from all around the world
Each speak of sparkle made from sequins, mesh and satin had been ordered weeks in advance
Each piece of lace and brocade was bought from a French tailor who went to school with daddy
Each piece of clothing here is very dear to me

How can I simply give away my memories to any old stranger?

This is our last session together in the same room sitting next to each other
I will walk into a room and witness another piece of my marriage coming undone
My beautiful wife expressing all her anguish and all the emotions she has bottled up for the past 20 something years because life got in the way.
The stress and anxiety surrounding the birth of a new baby.
Walking on eggshells trying to be perfect around the in laws
Feeling drained because of a group of rambunctious cousins and siblings
Nights wasted on hurling nasty words at each other because we were both tired from the lack of sleep, touch, and because we were not listening
Not once did she think about reaching out to me and tell me how she feels
What hurts and what feel good
Take only the briefest moment to let me know that she wanted to take a break from being the best mother, wife and daughter
The superglue that held together out family of four
Protecting it from the dangerous winds full of unkind words and backbiting
Raising two beautiful sons without taking any sick days
Turning an old duplex into the garden of Eden
With her artistic abilities, endless swatches of color and tiny fingers
I miss her handmade handkerchiefs
One for each day of the week
Dipped in lavender and stitched with words from the heart
Words that I never paid any attention too
They have only gathered the results of my hard work
Sweat, tears and on occasion, droplets of blood
From 8am-6pm
I am not a man of even-temperament
But I wonder how she has managed to keep it all together for so long when she was really falling apart
She has the habit of staring into the mirror after a bad quarrel
I have no idea what she keeps looking for
Her skin robbed of a healthy glow
Hair that has more grey then black in it
Lines that were never there before
Did time do all that for was I the reason behind it
I only did what my father taught me
Go to school get a degree, work without breaking my back and provide my family with a life people only dream about
I cannot repair what time has erased for me, my wife, as individuals and as a couple
I hope..,
Mr Kendall you may come in now!

We tied the knot in April
We have been trying for close to a year
He wants a baby
I am just doing my part
This was definitely not planned
Not for another year or so
I haven’t even graduated from college
He hung up his cap and gown a long time ago
I still have a trouble juggling being a Mrs and going to school
Cooking & Reading
Cleaning and Essay Writing
Laundry and Tests
Its terrifying at times and down-right draining
He will be overjoyed by the news
So overcome with emotion that he will not know what to do with himself
I am filled dread, sadness, pity and anger
Dread for the next 9 long months
Sadness over the future that will never be mine
Pity for giving into societal pressure to get married
Angry that everyone else is happy but me
I am tired from all that pacing
of my feet
of my thoughts
My head hurts from all the tears
I cannot find a solution to this
I cannot imagine a world with a miniature version of myself
I cannot go through with this

Its Friday night
No date
But I was really hoping he would call to say hello
Guess he forgot
His loss
I was really in the mood for lobster tails and crème Brulee
Good thing dads a chef

It is after midnight
I am not even tired
I should be thinking about you
if you are alright
if your coming home tonight
or spending another night with that ******
yes I know about her
I have known for some time now
the cleaning lady didn't tell me this
the butler did not mention this
the cook did not tiptoe about this
the beautician hummed and hawed about this
my trainer might have mentioned something when he was on top of me
spotting!
A tall thing with a grecian nose and red curls
boxed dye i am sure
blue eyes a dab of lipstick and a lot of beauty-marks
she looks alright in my clothes
I know you stole my perfume and pearls
but what where you trying to do
class up a ******?
honey that is what she does for a living
law school is not cheap
cost me about 500 that night
we met at one of those hotels
I was only there for drinks when she came over
we talked we laughed had our nails and faces done
a sweet girl but what she sees in you I will never know
I still don't see it for myself
it is going to be 15 years soon
well I am not going to try your phone
or the car phone
you probably ate too
so I guess all there is left to do now
is change into that baby blue peignoir you bought for her
and take this tray up
indulge in chocolate caramel cheesecake
toffee ice cream and sauvignon blanc
should not keep Antoine waiting for too long

How are you feeling today he asks
Tired I answer back without moving a muscle

Tired of being stuck in one place
Tired of going to school and unsure of what comes next
Tired of staying married to a man who is always busy
With what?
Not sure
But always busy
Tired of carrying forth a dead relationship
Tired of cleaning a house that will get messy the next day
Tired of his mom, she will be leaving soon but I just want to be alone
Tired of wondering what my future holds is it bright or endlessly dark
Tired of attempting to smile when all I want is to stay in bed
Tired of drinking coffee, cup after cup to mask the obvious signs of fatigue in my face and body
Tired of rubbing my eyes and just hanging on

Uh that’s nice he responds staring down at his phone with his mind millions of miles away from here
From me

I am not Ok!

I am having a bad day
My morning started off with a war of words
Between my husband and I
I have forgiven him for his coarse language
I have forgiven him for his loud tone
I have forgiven him for his irrational behavior
His stubbornness
His loss of patience
I know I am not perfect
I talk when I shouldn’t
But I am sorry for what I have said as well
I am still hurting
I talk to him because I have to, Not because I want to
I cannot even look at him
and trust me when I say that he is a good looking man
I see him now but I am reminded of the ugliness that spilled from his lips
His words still ring in my ears
This sadness has taken over me for the last 12 hours
I go on with the day doing all that must be done
But a part of me, deep inside
Wants to cry
So far I have used 6 ****** tissues
The left side of my pillow
And My prayer mat
But the tears still have not subsided
I am out right now fighting the stinging sensation behind my eyes
But I will have to return home soon and look into his eyes
I pray that the lump in my throat
the quiver in my lips and the hurt in my eyes
will not give me away—

Black and White

A friend asked me about you today

We were having lunch today together

At Mickeys- lunching on seared tuna, leafy greens, and sparkling wine

Remember that classy little whole in the wall on 59th street
The owner’s words not mine

Something must have been off about me today

Because we almost never talk about you

I told her we are happy together

But she did not buy it

So I have to admit that things are not that great between You and I

Yes you are still attractive smart and charming time has not changed that

Yes I still enjoy coming home to you

But the moment my keys scratches the door lock, a sense of apprehension sets in

It comes home with me and that was never there before

You smile, and ask for a simple kiss but my lips greets the lips of a stranger

Warm and then nothing

You ask about dinner but you are usually to busy to help with the process or give out helpful tips like you always did in the past
Its been like this for the last couple of months

You decide you want to watch a movie together
We pick one out the popcorn is ready but the for the next hour you hide yourself in the sanctuary of your room talking away on the phone only to come back minutes before the ending

We prepare mixers every now and then. I prefer mine with dessert
and you like it with a stack of manila envelopes and your old fountain pen

The clocks read 11:00pm and you make a dash for the bathroom to get ready for bed What happened to cleaning up together?

I climb into bed and you are out cold

Why is our love so black and white?

I always thought it was all about color.

If I tell you something
Will you promise to listen?
Here goes…
See that tall fella there with the sandy hair and brown eyes
Yes the one wearing denim pants and steel toed shoes
He looks like a dream
Everyone says so
He volunteers in hospitals and soup kitchens
Goes to church on Sundays
Has 2 stray cats and a degree in medicine
So I am not sure why he is still single
He can cook the perfect steak
Give out the best Swedish messages
Babysits in his spare time
So why does he still live alone?
In a secluded little house with an oak swing and lovely garden
He does everything by himself
From cleaning to repairs
To mixing drinks and mending clothes
So why is there still no woman in the picture?
He knows how to shop
Can tell the difference between Chantilly Lace and Galloon Lace
Has a weakness for expensive perfumes and imported truffles
But why has not bought a ring yet?
All the girls swoon over him
Ma laughs at his corny humour
The men appreciate him too
He talks to everyone
Loves reading
Travels a new place every month
So why does he shy away from me?
Devour me with his eyes?
Play with me in his dreams?
But takes a step bad as I take a step forward?

Tonight is the night
I finally get to take Lucinda out for dinner
I have never met anyone like her
Yes that sentiment has been expressed a million times before I am sure but she is an exquisite woman
Her lovely skin reminds me of condensed milk
Hair luscious like fresh strawberries
eyes like dark chocolate
and words sweet enough to melt any mans anger into pure honey
Sorry she is just an amazing cook
I hope she likes seafood though
there is nothing better then succulent lobster, garlicky shrimp and fresh fillets glazed in a golden sauce, on a wintry night  
She works in an art gallery downtown
Art is her passion and I say that she is better then Tamara de Lempicka
She is simple in her attire and taste
But I wonder why she always has that oval pendant around her neck
she wears it all the time and never takes it off.
I fancy her but the sight of that necklace makes me uncomfortable
An simple oval pendant on a thin silver chain
My skin looks flushed and I get antsy
I cannot sit still or pay attention to her
I wonder if that necklace was a present
from the alcoholic father she told me about
from the brother who passed away at 19 from tuberculosis
from the abusive ex husband
a past lover with copper locks and green eyes
These questions are giving me a headache
Oh Garcon  I would like a drink

Its's not quite 6:30 yet
I sit at my desk with the pc on
A blank page stares back at me
and I feel that itch
It starts at my fingers just waiting to tackle the keyboard and ready to type my problems away for the day
deleting my thoughts one by one from my brain and onto the screen
to make room for  life's more mundane tasks
like making sure that Mr breadwinner has his shoes polished and a matching tie to wear to the office
or chase a silly little five year without breaking a sweat because she refuses to wear slippers or let a brush come close to her auburn curls.
I usually enjoy the chase but not today
the sight of her precious face and that shrill but infectious laugh is enough to get a headache going
not sure what that's about but here it comes...
Maybe a cup of joe will do the trick or is it chardonnay?
can't remember anymore
it has been like this for the past couple of weeks.
He goes to work with a happy smile pasted on his face while mine is replaced with a silent plea " Please give me the strength and patience from within to stay on my feet from dawn till dusk"
Should I wait till he gets home  to tell him what is on my mind or save it for the end of the month when all the bills have been paid off and everyone has been waved off until the next month.
It only seems like yesterday I brought Anjulie home buts it has already been 5 years
Motherhood is a blessing  and all but what I really need a pause button every now and then
Where is the remote when you need one?

Tall dark and rugged
Drink in hand
A night to remember

They were your favorite
Surprisingly enough mine too
It would always remind me of the blue sky
How we would spend hours upon hours
Under the blue sky
Just taking, sometimes eating
And almost always hand holding
We would give thanks for the smaller things in life
Like your blue-black curls
My goofy smile
Our togetherness
45 faithful years have passed since then
It really was not enough but I am mighty thankful to have spend them filled with your love, comfort and company
But today as I look up to the sky
I..
I have nothing to be thankful for
The mind is empty and my heart feels heavy
It feels like I am bleeding from the inside
You lie beneath my feet
And the air—
It smells like forget me not's!

The clock reads 1:04 pm
I will have to spend this night like every other night
I should be asleep but I feel restless
The silk on my skin feels anything but luxurious tonight
My mind should be free from thought but it replays every memory i have of you
The ones where you spoke to me
The ones where we laughed together
The ones where we looked at each other with love
The ones where lips were kissed, skin was caressed and moans were silenced
The ones where you raised your hand and could not look at me the very next day
It is chaos in there and that was three years ago...
My hands should stay at my side but they grab at the sheets
My eyes should close any moment now but they sting from the tears that are about to fall
You caused the pain, you left behind the memories, injected the bitterness now find me the cure!

As I look down at the 6 pound Emily rose
Nestled in a pool cotton, color  and comfort
I cannot help but smile, but only a tiny one
She looks perfect
With her luxurious black curls
Sea green eyes and peachy looking skin
Too perfect for a world full of ugliness, deceit and double standards
What does it mean to be a girl today?

Will she have to fight to get a bigger meal or she be rewarded with leftover scraps?
Will she have to fight to get a proper chance at education or will she be handed a pan and dish rag and taught how to look after a house for the next 30 years or so?
Will she be able to attend school year round or be asked to stay at home because she is menstruating?
Will she be taught how to love her self, that smile, her curves and her big heart or will it all be destroyed under the weight of harsh cultural practices, criticism, peculiar beauty standards and what it means to the perfect woman?
Will her dreams and aspiration be worth something or is it just another reason for people to put her down or huff and puff at her idea of a bright future?
Will she able to attain a degree and make a difference in the world or will it all be for nothing and she will be asked to leave her home to enter another with the person the world has chosen for her?
Will her words and feeling be of any worth to the man whom she will call husband?
Will her family stand by her side when things become difficult?
Will she be happy with whom she is destined to be?

I cannot say and do not know for sure
I only pray that this world gives my child a chance at living

What’s the worst kinda pain after heartache he asked
“ A toothache”

I know it’s just you and I in the room
Not another person in sight but I can still feel his presence
I know none of it makes any sense.
His words ringing in my ears, breaking the silence and I cannot hear myself think
Mocking me from so far away until I am an on the brink of crying.
What kind of love is this? I wonder
I go out with you but always feel the need to look over my shoulder even when it is time to cross the street
When you place your fingers in mine. I start to panic, it starts all the way from my toes and keeps on rising and only goes away at the very end of the day.
Your kisses touch only skin and nothing else.  
When you come close to me I feel the need to pull away, even though there is no force or ugliness between us
When your lips close in on the nape of my neck I feel cold instead of warm and close my eyes to embrace emptiness
When it gets dark and the door closes I am filled with dread.

She is not home
She has no final destination either
One day it’s Madrid and next week she is cozying up in Aspen
We did not meet by luck
I saw her first in high school
Painfully thin, limp haired thing with dreamy eyes and a very quiet smile
Years later none of that is there anymore
She has blossomed into a platinum haired buxom and sad eyed enchantress
5 feet and encased in a crimson ribbed sheath dress that shows off her décolletage
A naked face with just a dab of maroon on the lips
She can wear anything and get away with it
I saw her in the airport sipping a cherry  liquid with a black briefcase at her feet
She waved frome the distance and smiled mischevelously
The same smile that ate up 5 years of my life
We talked about nothing even though there was so much to be said
So many answers
About why she left
Why I had to fight left and right warding off pint sized and egoistical men who kept coming to my workplace and asking about her whereabouts.
Called her Ava, Alica, Coco, and Sapphire
I was grabbing for words but nothing came out
I was an expensively clad man who was tongue tied
She grabbed me in that special way that makes a man’s stomach churn and feelt uncomfortable…downstairs
We sat there in brief silence while she played with her gorgeous mane of dark waves
Something beeped and she leaned closer
“ Don’t try to come find me”

Oh I am so glad your leaving
I can finally sleep in till 10 over the weekends
I can stay up and study passed midnight without any disturbances
There will be no one there to criticize my food
My clothing and choice in shoes
Shame me about how I’ve gained 2 pounds in the last three months
I am free from your snide comments about my choice to continue my studies after marriage
I am free from your demanding ways
Stubborn nature
“Holier-then-thou” attitude
Best of all nobody will be hogging the couch or leave the toilet seat up!

He is different
A loner from what I hear
No father
He has accepted my ways
I am different too
Ma calls me “toofan” lovingly
I can never sit still
Books bore me
The kitchen feels like a dungeon
My feet always dance
My fingers are usually splattered with paint or ink
He doesn’t mind
He likes me with my hair down
We meet on the roof on most mornings
Sometimes in the evenings
When no one is around
Drying clothes or chili
Just an excuse
We talk between cups of chai or sweet lassi
I read his hand
He reads my eyes
He writes
Possibly draws
I cannot be sure
He never lets me see
I practice my steps
he watches
I paint
He observes
he clicks pictures
always when I am not aware
to capture something, I think
I can tell him anything
Nothing needed to be hidden in the pages
He understands ever sigh and murmur
Understands every step and colour
But even then
He has not once told me that he loves me

I have not seen him in years
not in my dreams
not in my nightmares
or out in the open
I almost forgot what he looked like
How he made me feel
His words sickly sweet and sticky
His touch warm and then freezing cold
His smile,
A little crooked but it did things to me
Unexplainable, irrational things, which I had no excuses for
no remorse whatsoever
All it took was his quirky laugh
a pat on the arm or a kind word or two
I would loose myself in the madness all over again
Become part of a world where there were no pesky adults
nosey old ladies
annoying children
or yapping dogs
It was just the both of us, dressed in our finest
the rest did not matter
or maybe I was too blind to pay heed to it
We were almost never up to any good
tricks, mockery, manipulation, breaking hearts robbery and deception
we took part in all of that and so much more
I lived for the thrill
the rush that came with going out with a man that was off-limits
one that the world thought was not good enough for me
a danger to himself and bad to the bone
His kisses lit a fire from deep inside
His embrace was gentle and full of strength at the same time
His word was the law

He looked at me today.. and smiled!
What could this mean
Will he be coming by after class
And ask me to lunch with him
one bologna sandwiches and Twinkies
Under the peach tree
Ask me to be his lab buddy in biology?
His bus buddy?
Give me his phone number?
Take me out for pizza on Friday nights
Does this mean I finally have a date for the homecoming dance?
Will I get to meet his mother? I hear she is very nice
*** he is waving at me
I raise my hand to wave back
But Marisa beats me to it
His girlfriend?

Let me out

It’s going to be a good day today
I can feel it in my bones
No really, my bones ache when the weather gets colder
Knees hurt when it starts to rain
I no longer have to put on that hideous forest green parka and
Those grey sorrel boots
It will be a navy pea coat and black laced up boots instead
I can barely wait to get them out of the closet and try them on
Goodbye silly hats, and scarves
Arrividerci heavy mittens and earmuffs
Hello leather gloves and colourful headbands
I no longer have to tie up my hair
It can now flow freely down my back
Those chocolate highlights were definitely worth it
The skies will be a glorious blue
Birds will be chirping out natures love songs
Squirrels will be scurrying about
And the raccoons better be out of the way
The trees will have on their green ensembles
And guard the earth all year round
Flowers will bloom white yellow and red
It just started snowing!
Maybe tomorrow will be the day

He said, she was too plain looking
So Jane learned the How-to’s of Hair and Makeup

He said she weighed too much
Jane changed up her diet and began to exercise more

He said that she was not very bright
Jane threw herself into her school work and come home with nothing less then an A

He said that she should learn how to cook right
Jane learned how to cook all of his favorite meals to perfection

He said that she should give up her hobbies
Jane threw everything away the very next day with a smile

He said that she should stay home and tend to his needs more often
Jane now stays home 4 days out of seven without a complaint

He said that babies are a must
Jane threw caution to her future and her dreams and did things his way

He said that his mom did not approve of her ways
She put her foot down and said “ Love me for me, or leave me!”

The ivory page with the floral detailing stares back at me
waiting to be caressed the soft tip of a feather or pen
my array of colored ink and lead lay motionless on the mahogany desk
There is plenty going through this head of mine
but I am unable to write tonight
A simple sentence, stanza, song or story
the task of jotting down words, and forming sentences is too much for me
The letters do not flow, they have become scrambled up like alphabet soup
the sentences make no sense and are falling apart like my favorite pearl necklace
my voice is broken
The paper void of words, emotion and passion, is soaking up tears instead and the red ink has bleed into my fingers
Maybe some things are better left unsaid!

Now I don't believe in genies
I don't blow on candles
Look for dandelions
Or throw pennies into wishing wells
But I do wish for some things
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was skinner
I wish I was clever
I wish I was good with numbers and statistics
I wish I was musically gifted
I wish I was genius with food
I wish I more organized and resourceful
I wish I didn’t love so much
I wish I didn’t care so much
I wish I didn’t feel so much
I wish I didn’t have to hurt so much
I Just wish I had been enough for him

I envy those who sleep soundly
Not just every now and then
But every single night
No this doesn’t include babies, furry or otherwise
Not the elderly either
Just your basic average human just trying to get by life

The 14 year old who dreams of becoming a doctor so that he save his ailing sister from leukemia

The teacher who has to grade papers every single night while keeping an eye on a ADHD riddled son while a nasty storm brews outside

The weary mechanic who works double shifts to make ends meet and wonder if his doll-like wife will ever make it out of the oncology unit

The fashion intern who works for nothing only to escape and unsuccessfully cover up the abuse she faces at home

The minimum wage young man who flips burgers and occasionally over salts the fries who comes to work with a fake smile when his best friend hasn’t been seen since last week

The overworked doctor who continues to save lives with a steady hand and collected mind even though he just buried his son yesterday

The short frumpy lunch lady that everyone makes fun of at school who cant keep it together because her house is about to be repossessed and wonders where shell be sleeping at night

The bold smiling five year old who is quietly suffering from Alopecia and accidently pats her head in the hopes that whiteish peach fuzz will grow on top

The delinquent that is in detention almost every day of the year not because he a trouble maker but because he his trying to complete homework since it is near impossible with an alcoholic mom who is in charge of everything

The large ***** who everyone continues to harass because she was born with hirsutism and differently colored eyes

People don’t ask for trouble nor can they always escape it
The questions, raised brows and unwanted attention do not falter
Hope begins to evaporate faster then water
I think the absolute worst is when we begin to overthink and replay all of our problems right before sleep sets is when the eyes beg for closure but the mind is still at unease.

He left
I stayed back
Wearing a mask made from pain, and grief from morning to night
Choking from all that wasted time, energy and potential
The potential to grow together as a couple
To travel the world and learn from eachother
We have clearly both moved on
but still…
He is probably flying from country to country with her fingers intertwined in his
While I still here in this chair old as time and reminiscing about a simpler time
Well.. it was simple in my head
When I thought I was happy with him
I thought about the big pink elephant that was always there and refused to budge
Life being all about rainbows and roses
And the glass being half full
Too bad it is not strong enough to wash down the bitter feelings
That still make their way to my throat and stay there.

It has just been a year and some days
But I think I’m falling out of love with you
Maybe it was when you called me out and said that my clothes don’t fit right
Maybe it was when you said my hair is too short, and it makes me look like a boy
Maybe it was when you said I had no ambitions in life
Gave it no thought and just laughed it off
Even after you  knew about my past
Bits and pieces, but certainly enough for a stranger
Maybe it was when you started to compare me with other woman
“look how thin she is”
“ look how well she manages her husband”
“look at the way she runs her household”
No woman likes being compared my dear
So I am no exception
But I must say I am glad it has happened
You expect too much from your forever person and they well hurt you
They well let you down
You sit in silence and expect him to understand you
It never works
You argue, loose patience and try to make him understand you
But he does not
He tells you what he thinks is right and calls it a night
Well  this will be the last time you hurt me
Misunderstand me
Make me cry
I feel pounds lighter
My expectations are slowly dying one by one
Maybe it is for the best
Distance has done nothing for this heart
I cannot even say I am sorry for the ways things have ended on my part

*****

My wife looks like a vision of loveliness tonight
In a black dress clinging to her ***
Tighter then spandex
Legs encased in floral looking ***** hose
And manicured toes hidden under a work of leather and tiny bows
She does not look a day over 28
I am standing here talking to one of my collogues from work
This party was her idea
A few new faces down the street and she wanted to break the ice.
Marcy is sweet like that
All I really think about right now is how much sweeter it be to take carry her into the nearest room
Lock the **** door
And throw her on the bed
Strip off my clothes in a haste and take my sweet time with hers
Take in that smell of flowers, cherries and sweat
Its more potent then any other smell out there
Strip her till she only has on skimpy looking pair of underwear
And fear in her eyes
As her brown eyes grow big and dark with arousal
I want to rip off the last bit of cloth off with my teeth and kiss her all over
Kisses that will set her skin on fire and glisten
One by one from her navel to her lips
Get a taste of that cherry lipstick and wipe it clean
Bring my hands down to the smooth triangle between her milky legs
Legs that go on for days
Get her to squirm
Pant
Scream
and finally Release!

What is the secret to finding the balance between school and marital life?
Trading in your books, and schedule for a white dress and bouquet
Throwing caution to a possibly bright future and bending to all his wants and needs
Making room for babies and china instead of hour long lectures and lab reports
I am unable to find a balance between the two
Do I carry breakfast in one hand and a calculator in the other
Do I keep a spatula handy as well as a pencil tucked behind my ear
Do I stay up to look after a sick partner when everyone is asleep or spend that time to study for an upcoming test
Do I opt for a morning smoothie or a morning coffee because I missed the 6’o clock alarm
Do I sit there and take the time to memorize a three page essay or all of his favorite meals in alphabetical order
Do write out of 750 essay or write out shopping list and invoices
Do I paste fake smile and twinkle in the eye and wear that all day long even though I am boiling mad underneath
Do I babysit my mother-in-law 6 days a week or spend time catching up on last weeks homework
Do I sweep, clean and do laundry for the next two hours as well as I agonize over a test I have not yet studied for
Do I climb into bed with him at a reasonable hour or spend the next 8 hours on late night assignments till early in the morning
How do I find the balance in all this?
What do I do first and leave for last?
I am ready to throw in the towel as well as my favorite ball point pen!

At exactly 3.22AM
I always dream in color
About incognisant things
Like puppies, the rain and chocolate mousse cake
Funny memories
Childhood scenes
I suppose that just means I am just missing these things or wish to relive these events once more because reality is sometimes less then pleasant
This dream was in color once again
But they were all and depressing color like shades of red and grey and black
So much black
so much emptiness
and the shadows!
Shadows everywhere… of faceless people
Peoples who are still very much part of my life but they kept of moving about
Not watching where they were going and never at me
Moments later the silence sunk in only to be pierced by angry sounding screams
Full of pain and torment
The type of torment that often comes from widowed people and orphans
what was all the pain about?
Its hard to see but this was enough to take in as an insomniac
It was complete chaos in my mind.
I could not turn it off
The pictures robbed me of my voice completely and my lips had become chapped
I felt hot and uncomfortable all over
What had I witnessed?
Hell?
Something out of horror movie?

Maybe tonight will be different….

There is a solution to everything I think

If you cannot babysit one night
I suggest you tell your mom that you are still getting over your cold and you do not want to get the baby sick

If there is a test in school and you haven't studied for it
I suggest you fake a stomach ache

If your mom is upset
I suggest you buy her daisies and jellybeans

If your best friend wont talk to you over a silly misunderstanding
I suggest you break the ice with food and song

If you want to play hooky one day
I suggest you go to the beach have fish and chips with ice cream

But what am I suppose to do with you?

We lay here together
on a bed of polyester and colored cotton
held together by two palm trees
tiny lights dance above our heads
a path of candles of light the way to the guest house
I do not wish to change anything about this picture
but there is no happy ending to this
I cannot change how I feel about you
When we are together, it is easy to talk
the words slip out from my lips
there is no place for awkward pauses and
time is not wasted on hesitation and useless assumptions about each other
I can talk to you about you about anything
dreams, nightmares, wants, needs, past losses, and the future
yes some of our conversations escalate to screaming matches
but for the most part its nice
I am not sure how to tell you this
The words are stuck in my throat
my skin suddenly feels strange
cold
you feel it too
your hands rub mine
But I feel nothing
when you touch me
in other ways
the butterflies are dead
no goosebumps, whatsoever
no sheer bliss to loose myself in
just endless silence
and a rude ending

Its dark outside and getting very cold
I look at Brian
He looks so lost and tired
With very little money and hope in our hearts we aren’t sure where to turn
They wont find us here I pray to my self
There is a group of people to the right and a long road that stretches to the left
We decide to walk down the road
There aren’t too many people around and no one who might recognize us
We pass a restaurant or two
He shakes his head he isn’t feeling very hungry and I’ve got not appetite tonight
A convenient store, We have all that we need
A jewellery store, the simple gold band with leafy etches is just perfect for my finger
We keep walking till we stop at a big building with plenty of widows all covered in black and has the number 230 etched into the wall
An ugly green rectangle serves as the door.
It looks very run down so hopefully the inside looks better
I put on a fake a smile and walk inside
I make my way to the lobby but it does not get better
Within seconds strange smells assault my nose.
It smelled like desperation
A mix made from whiskey, cigarettes, sausage and cabbage
I hold my nose and Brian does the same
We meet a young thing at the reception hall with overly pale skin and the lightest blue eyes that almost seem to glow
She has a black bob with too many piercings on
She looks us over and her eyes linger on brains face just three seconds longer
She asks for ID and cash
60$ a night for peace of mind- not too bad I guess
He smiles at her and is presented a rusty looking silver key
No more words are exchanged and we make a run for the room.
I Just want to lie down for a minute
I fumble with the lock and we welcome a room full of darkness.
The light switch does not work so both of us touch our way to the bed
Place the keys and bits of nothing on the nearest bedside table
Kick of our shoes at once and lay in bed.
My feet hurt like hell but I say nothing
I am petite in size so I climb on top of Brian
Slow melodious music starts playing in the distance just then
His fingers reach for my face
This almost feels perfect lou the dark, the music and just us
I say nothing and allow my lips to hungrily seek out his neck before they make there way to his lips
Yes the perfect night to a horrible day as man and wife

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

I think I met you on a Sunday
I think it was at the mall where I work
I think you smiled at me
I think I was adjusting a mannequin when you walked in
I think you asked about a pink scarf
I think it was for your sisters birthday
I think you invited me
I think I asked you to meet me at 6pm

Everything else after that was a blur
That was three years ago

I don’t remember when we last smiled at each other and meant it
I don’t remember when we last held each other for dear life
I don’t remember when we last sat down to eat dinner together
Woke up to bagels and rose for sunday brunch on the roof

That was eons ago

I cant forget the sadness you wear every day
I cant forget the anger that is buried deep in your eyes
I cant forget the pain that creeps into your dreams and keeps me awake at nights
I cant forget all your broken promises
I cant forget about all the yesterdays we’ve wasted together

Its time to move on

From you
From her
From my old self

“Whoa there”
“Slow down a bit and talk to me”
“ I just put a fresh cup of coffee”
“ the cookies are cooling”
“ The children can wait”
“ The dogs asleep by my feet”
“ Your office will still be there on the ground 5 minutes from now”
“ I think you boss is an ***”

My husbands gives me his famous smirk and places a kiss on top of my head

“ Look outside and see that its snowing”
“ Not that fairy-tale or night before Christmas kind of snow either”
“ I must leave now or else the kids wont get to school on time
“Drop the dog off at V’s”
“Yes It will still be there but I have a meeting in an hour”
“ I do think he is an first class ***”

He bites into my cookie and makes his way to the door.

Did it hurt when you fell—
Fell out of love with him
Did you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness?
Hold a pity party?
Did it happen while you two were out in public?
Or in the comfort of your home?
Where there people around?
Or was it just you two stuck with each other?
In the dark, under the covers
Did he stare at you for just a moment longer then usual before speaking?
Do you feel anything now when as you sit there with his head in your lap and tousle his wavy brown hair like old times
For the sake of feeling something
Does he still make you smile?
No a sad one does not count
Does he still take your breath away?
Not when his hands are clawing at your throat but just like the first time you two met
I still remember
Does he still ask for hugs?
Good ol bear hugs and  not the sticky ones
Does he still listen to you?
When your hurting and not when he has 5 minutes to spare
Does he still take you out?
No not after a nasty row
Yes these walls are very thin
Does he get angry at you?
For the sky being blue?
For being fired?
Burning the croutons?
Run and don’t look back!

Untitled
There are 24 hours in a day but I always have 25 things to do
I am unsure of what to begin with, what to discard and what to leave for tomorrow
The cooking, cleaning, sweeping, moping, serving, redoing, undoing, and bickering is done on a daily basis
Attending class, completing projects and assignments, note-taking, pent up frustration and procrastinating goes happens every other day
My sleeping cycles are irregular
My appetite is hit or miss
My acne is on point
A bad hair day is the norm
Blood shot eyes, short temper and newly found pessimistic behavior is all I ever wear now
Confidence levels are sinking
Anxiety levels are rising
How do I fix this?
A new haircut and coffee I.V?
Get my nails done and have on that make it till you fake it attitude?

When you showed0 up at my door with roses and chocolates on my birthday I could not say no

When you proposed to me up in the air on a hot air balloon with a ring bluer then my eyes, I could not say no

When you set me down in front a of a mansion made from glass and crystal which I could fill up with my dreams  
I could not say no

When you got busy right after the wedding and buried yourself in your work and stayed out real late
I could not say no

When you picked up the phone sounding half intoxicated with a with a female companion snuggling up to you
I could not say no

When you would cancel all our lunch or dinner plans and spend them with your friends instead
I could not say no

When you would go out with your pretty little perky secretaries in the name of business I could say no

When I would ask to come along you could not say anything

Where did we go wrong?

I Met you
Life seemed perfect
The air smelled sweet
The trees looked greener then usual
I was starting to like the sounds of children laughing and playing
I looked forward to rainy days and take out
I looked forwards to the days that were to come
A future that sounded to good to be true
It was all coming together
Until one night
There was a lot of screaming involved
Crying
Cursing
Stomping
Breaking
Bleeding
You wiped away my smile instead of my tears
You broke my wrist
You ruined my sleep
You tarnished my dreams
Took everything away from me
Ripped away
The Happy
The Bubbly
The Optimistic
The Charismatic
The Funny
The Ambitious
Bits of me
Left me alone with the
Panic
Anger
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment
Failure

I am sorry I took my hands for granted
They have done so much for me till now
They helped me with my chores
They helped me with my studies
They helped me get a job
They helped me look after my ailing parents
They helped me built a house
They helped me raise a family of four
They helped me sooth wounds and repair broken relationships
They helped me start my own bakery
They helped me maintain my marriage
They helped me when leo left and chose to spend the rest of his life behind bars
They helped me when the house and car was ceased by the bank
They helped me move into a smaller apartment
They helped me when my children moved far away from me and decided that they were too busy to make time for their mother
They helped me adopt a little girl
They helped me find love again in ex-football player who makes really good steak
They helped me heal when my daughter passed away in her sleep

They have helped me accomplish so much and have turned me into the woman I am today
I am sad to say that my hands look nothing like before
My elegant fingers and hands are rough and have swelled up over the years
They are bent from doing so much
I only wish that I was able to hold on to my husbands hands before the doctors wheel him into the ICU

I am standing at the corner
For the ogling
Lewd glances
Cat calls
Sweet lies
But a hot meal too

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who is the most frazzled looking one of them all?
Would it be Me?
With my normally glorious caramel tinted hair looking like straw
My clear blue eyes bleary and unfocused
from too many cups of coffee and broken slumber
Blackish puffy eye lids void of ebony black kohl
Dark circles to really bring out the tiredness in me
I am out of cleanser, forgot the toner and there is no moisturiser in sight
I present to you dry ashy looking skin
I forget when I last smiled
but I have on a pair of chapped cracked lips
lipstick nor lip balm will help my case
Do you think he will notice?

Can you tell me how long we have been together
5 long eventful years
Nope it wasn't all about the candy, candle light dinners and heart shaped pizzas
What the movies are made of
or books that romanticize the notion of love
No I was not in love with the idea of falling in love
In fact, our relationship was like any other
We had our fair share of disagreements
heated discussions
Fights about nothing that lasted till 3am and so loud that the cops had to intervene on more then one occasion
Triumphs
Typical rainy days
lazy Saturday mornings sitting in front of the tv with the cereal
and our version of "sick days ;)
We have been through practically everything
But when will you stop lying to me?
Tomorrow? Next week?
It starts with your eyes- I know those baby blues are searching for something more
then your lips- They form a permanent smile now, even when things are really bad
then your arms- your hugs used to be a lot better
then with your body- It is just an act in the dark
Finally with your heart- It has shrunk 3 sizes
Give it up--this is it
we have reached the finishing line
Sign those papers and let yourself go...

Its normal to forget sometimes, right?
Perhaps a face
the way your lovers face searches for the truth whenever she has caught you in a lie
or maybe what day of the week it is
But in my case, it really isn’t
I sometimes have no recollection of an entire event
Be it 5 minutes long or something that lasted for a very long time
I cannot remember the who, what, where, or the when
The why part never really seems to make any sense to me afterwards
I wasn’t always like this but now I have been dubbed as the woman who is very likely to loose herself one day
Its not too far from the truth to be honest,
I wish i could forget some things
Expcially the people who no longer exsist
Its perfectly notmal for me to be immersed in grading papers and making last minute edits to powerpoints due the next morning  but I still cannot for the number of punches you threw down at me, every time you were ****** about something
I can be talking over the phone with some one but then my brain starts to itch in trying to remember if you ever truly loved me
I can sit in total silence, comepletely relaxed but I can't seem to forget forget why i ever sacrificed so much for you when everybody else knew that we were never going to last and you would be the first to walk away
Times are different now
I know that
But i still cannot forget.

I thought mom and pop would be happy
a baby girl after 5 boys
yes they loved me
with all the pink frills and bows
loved me like mad and treated me like i was made from glass
the green kind
they pinched my cheeks
tugged at the bow in my hair
and tightened the sash at the back of my dress
those ugly ruffled ones
When I become to much for some one to handle
especially ma
it was always wagging of the finger
tsking of the tongue
and wondering where ma had gone wrong
wrong about what, i will never know
I was either hushed, shushed or scolded much later
but I could not venture out for too long
not on my own anyways
there always had to be some one next to me
I wondered what people were afraid of
what they saw in me
I dressed my best and always minded my business
even then i could not stay out to learn nor observe
learn about the world
meet new faces
laugh about something new
look forward to better brighter memories
I had to always come home soon and stay with the elderly or the babies
Work a broom, mop or the occasionally the rolling pin
But it bothered me
How I could  not go out like other women
apparently it was wrong
so i sometimes wish i was small again
not baby small but small enough to fit in mans pocket
go everywhere
see everything
be part of something so big that i cannot explain it to the peoples back home
it sounds strange
i bet no one has ever wished for this
but i know at least he wont let me down

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day