The air has turned cold
There is a fire going
I have a snifter of cognac in my hands
The fiery amber liquid does nothing as it touches my lips and glides down my throat
I expected a sense of warmth
A sense of comfort
But I guess cognac pales in comparison to your loving embrace

This is our last session together in the same room sitting next to each other
I will walk into a room and witness another piece of my marriage coming undone
My beautiful wife expressing all her anguish and all the emotions she has bottled up for the past 20 something years because life got in the way.
The stress and anxiety surrounding the birth of a new baby.
Walking on eggshells trying to be perfect around the in laws
Feeling drained because of a group of rambunctious cousins and siblings
Nights wasted on hurling nasty words at each other because we were both tired from the lack of sleep, touch, and because we were not listening
Not once did she think about reaching out to me and tell me how she feels
What hurts and what feel good
Take only the briefest moment to let me know that she wanted to take a break from being the best mother, wife and daughter
The superglue that held together out family of four
Protecting it from the dangerous winds full of unkind words and backbiting
Raising two beautiful sons without taking any sick days
Turning an old duplex into the garden of Eden
With her artistic abilities, endless swatches of color and tiny fingers
I miss her handmade handkerchiefs
One for each day of the week
Dipped in lavender and stitched with words from the heart
Words that I never paid any attention too
They have only gathered the results of my hard work
Sweat, tears and on occasion, droplets of blood
From 8am-6pm
I am not a man of even-temperament
But I wonder how she has managed to keep it all together for so long when she was really falling apart
She has the habit of staring into the mirror after a bad quarrel
I have no idea what she keeps looking for
Her skin robbed of a healthy glow
Hair that has more grey then black in it
Lines that were never there before
Did time do all that for was I the reason behind it
I only did what my father taught me
Go to school get a degree, work without breaking my back and provide my family with a life people only dream about
I cannot repair what time has erased for me, my wife, as individuals and as a couple
I hope..,
Mr Kendall you may come in now!

Grey fur
Green eyes
Four paws
Adorable meow
Mischievous to the bone
Best friend for life

She is not home
She has no final destination either
One day it’s Madrid and next week she is cozying up in Aspen
We did not meet by luck
I saw her first in high school
Painfully thin, limp haired thing with dreamy eyes and a very quiet smile
Years later none of that is there anymore
She has blossomed into a platinum haired buxom and sad eyed enchantress
5 feet and encased in a crimson ribbed sheath dress that shows off her décolletage
A naked face with just a dab of maroon on the lips
She can wear anything and get away with it
I saw her in the airport sipping a cherry  liquid with a black briefcase at her feet
She waved frome the distance and smiled mischevelously
The same smile that ate up 5 years of my life
We talked about nothing even though there was so much to be said
So many answers
About why she left
Why I had to fight left and right warding off pint sized and egoistical men who kept coming to my workplace and asking about her whereabouts.
Called her Ava, Alica, Coco, and Sapphire
I was grabbing for words but nothing came out
I was an expensively clad man who was tongue tied
She grabbed me in that special way that makes a man’s stomach churn and feelt uncomfortable…downstairs
We sat there in brief silence while she played with her gorgeous mane of dark waves
Something beeped and she leaned closer
“ Don’t try to come find me”

Tonight is the night
I finally get to take Lucinda out for dinner
I have never met anyone like her
Yes that sentiment has been expressed a million times before I am sure but she is an exquisite woman
Her lovely skin reminds me of condensed milk
Hair luscious like fresh strawberries
eyes like dark chocolate
and words sweet enough to melt any mans anger into pure honey
Sorry she is just an amazing cook
I hope she likes seafood though
there is nothing better then succulent lobster, garlicky shrimp and fresh fillets glazed in a golden sauce, on a wintry night  
She works in an art gallery downtown
Art is her passion and I say that she is better then Tamara de Lempicka
She is simple in her attire and taste
But I wonder why she always has that oval pendant around her neck
she wears it all the time and never takes it off.
I fancy her but the sight of that necklace makes me uncomfortable
An simple oval pendant on a thin silver chain
My skin looks flushed and I get antsy
I cannot sit still or pay attention to her
I wonder if that necklace was a present
from the alcoholic father she told me about
from the brother who passed away at 19 from tuberculosis
from the abusive ex husband
a past lover with copper locks and green eyes
These questions are giving me a headache
Oh Garcon  I would like a drink

Black and White

A friend asked me about you today

We were having lunch today together

At Mickeys- lunching on seared tuna, leafy greens, and sparkling wine

Remember that classy little whole in the wall on 59th street
The owner’s words not mine

Something must have been off about me today

Because we almost never talk about you

I told her we are happy together

But she did not buy it

So I have to admit that things are not that great between You and I

Yes you are still attractive smart and charming time has not changed that

Yes I still enjoy coming home to you

But the moment my keys scratches the door lock, a sense of apprehension sets in

It comes home with me and that was never there before

You smile, and ask for a simple kiss but my lips greets the lips of a stranger

Warm and then nothing

You ask about dinner but you are usually to busy to help with the process or give out helpful tips like you always did in the past
Its been like this for the last couple of months

You decide you want to watch a movie together
We pick one out the popcorn is ready but the for the next hour you hide yourself in the sanctuary of your room talking away on the phone only to come back minutes before the ending

We prepare mixers every now and then. I prefer mine with dessert
and you like it with a stack of manila envelopes and your old fountain pen

The clocks read 11:00pm and you make a dash for the bathroom to get ready for bed What happened to cleaning up together?

I climb into bed and you are out cold

Why is our love so black and white?

I always thought it was all about color.

Caress Me
Tease Me
Hold Me
Love Me
Ask Me
Teach Me
Help Me
Comfort Me
Carry Me
Acknowledge Me
Surprise Me
Wish Me
Tell Me
Treat Me
Surprise Me
Invite Me
Encourage Me
Welcome Me
Support Me
Visit Me
Just...
Don't Leave Me

If I tell you something
Will you promise to listen?
Here goes…
See that tall fella there with the sandy hair and brown eyes
Yes the one wearing denim pants and steel toed shoes
He looks like a dream
Everyone says so
He volunteers in hospitals and soup kitchens
Goes to church on Sundays
Has 2 stray cats and a degree in medicine
So I am not sure why he is still single
He can cook the perfect steak
Give out the best Swedish messages
Babysits in his spare time
So why does he still live alone?
In a secluded little house with an oak swing and lovely garden
He does everything by himself
From cleaning to repairs
To mixing drinks and mending clothes
So why is there still no woman in the picture?
He knows how to shop
Can tell the difference between Chantilly Lace and Galloon Lace
Has a weakness for expensive perfumes and imported truffles
But why has not bought a ring yet?
All the girls swoon over him
Ma laughs at his corny humour
The men appreciate him too
He talks to everyone
Loves reading
Travels a new place every month
So why does he shy away from me?
Devour me with his eyes?
Play with me in his dreams?
But takes a step bad as I take a step forward?

I haven’t had this much fun since the accident
It was nice to count the stars above our heads every night instead of the pills she needed to take every day
It felt great to be able to travel by car to Port Jeff and take everything in, then to travel by car and wait at the doctors office to be surrounded by death and the dying
I spent my last twenty on a much needed pedicure instead of junk food- the only type of food she would cry out for in her sleep
It was a blessing to be able to sit down and actually savor the food put in front of me instead of drinking my self thin on weak tea, broth, sherry and pureed goop.
My nose welcomed comforting smells of baked ziti, pumpkin spice and broccoli pinwheels instead of blood sweat and *****
The sky above has been slashed in shades of purples and pinks which is a nice change from all the black and grey i've been looking at lately
The air is filled with music and laughter instead of the coughing wheezing occasional prayer and curses
There is no blaring tv or radio in sight, going on about how the world is going to **** and people are dying by the dozen
No more tsking and clucking only silence and looks of gratitude.
I will always remember this but I wish I could bring something home instead of burying everything
Sometimes in the deep folds of my mind
And other times deep into the ground
Letting it all become one with the earth.

Its Friday night
No date
But I was really hoping he would call to say hello
Guess he forgot
His loss
I was really in the mood for lobster tails and crème Brulee
Good thing dads a chef

We tied the knot in April
We have been trying for close to a year
He wants a baby
I am just doing my part
This was definitely not planned
Not for another year or so
I haven’t even graduated from college
He hung up his cap and gown a long time ago
I still have a trouble juggling being a Mrs and going to school
Cooking & Reading
Cleaning and Essay Writing
Laundry and Tests
Its terrifying at times and down-right draining
He will be overjoyed by the news
So overcome with emotion that he will not know what to do with himself
I am filled dread, sadness, pity and anger
Dread for the next 9 long months
Sadness over the future that will never be mine
Pity for giving into societal pressure to get married
Angry that everyone else is happy but me
I am tired from all that pacing
of my feet
of my thoughts
My head hurts from all the tears
I cannot find a solution to this
I cannot imagine a world with a miniature version of myself
I cannot go through with this

Let me out

It’s going to be a good day today
I can feel it in my bones
No really, my bones ache when the weather gets colder
Knees hurt when it starts to rain
I no longer have to put on that hideous forest green parka and
Those grey sorrel boots
It will be a navy pea coat and black laced up boots instead
I can barely wait to get them out of the closet and try them on
Goodbye silly hats, and scarves
Arrividerci heavy mittens and earmuffs
Hello leather gloves and colourful headbands
I no longer have to tie up my hair
It can now flow freely down my back
Those chocolate highlights were definitely worth it
The skies will be a glorious blue
Birds will be chirping out natures love songs
Squirrels will be scurrying about
And the raccoons better be out of the way
The trees will have on their green ensembles
And guard the earth all year round
Flowers will bloom white yellow and red
It just started snowing!
Maybe tomorrow will be the day

I forget the date
the time even
but it was raining outside
I had no umbrella
my hair had gone limp and
the the blood red pant suit I had on weighed a ton
the buildings looked bigger and more intimidating the usual
I paid no attention to the people
they were passing by in a faceless blur
I paid no attention to the phone either
I did not hear it ring under a mountain of paper make up and scrambled thughts
the phone battery had betrayed me as well
I didnt know what I was so busy with that day but I felt this intense need to just make it home
or else it would be too late!
But I could not make it in time,
My feet did not carry me home fast enough though
I stood there, and watched
didn't scream
didn't react
didn't feel
when a man wheeled you out of the house in a black body bag

Tall dark and rugged
Drink in hand
A night to remember

I envy those who sleep soundly
Not just every now and then
But every single night
No this doesn’t include babies, furry or otherwise
Not the elderly either
Just your basic average human just trying to get by life

The 14 year old who dreams of becoming a doctor so that he save his ailing sister from leukemia

The teacher who has to grade papers every single night while keeping an eye on a ADHD riddled son while a nasty storm brews outside

The weary mechanic who works double shifts to make ends meet and wonder if his doll-like wife will ever make it out of the oncology unit

The fashion intern who works for nothing only to escape and unsuccessfully cover up the abuse she faces at home

The minimum wage young man who flips burgers and occasionally over salts the fries who comes to work with a fake smile when his best friend hasn’t been seen since last week

The overworked doctor who continues to save lives with a steady hand and collected mind even though he just buried his son yesterday

The short frumpy lunch lady that everyone makes fun of at school who cant keep it together because her house is about to be repossessed and wonders where shell be sleeping at night

The bold smiling five year old who is quietly suffering from Alopecia and accidently pats her head in the hopes that whiteish peach fuzz will grow on top

The delinquent that is in detention almost every day of the year not because he a trouble maker but because he his trying to complete homework since it is near impossible with an alcoholic mom who is in charge of everything

The large ***** who everyone continues to harass because she was born with hirsutism and differently colored eyes

People don’t ask for trouble nor can they always escape it
The questions, raised brows and unwanted attention do not falter
Hope begins to evaporate faster then water
I think the absolute worst is when we begin to overthink and replay all of our problems right before sleep sets is when the eyes beg for closure but the mind is still at unease.

He looked at me today.. and smiled!
What could this mean
Will he be coming by after class
And ask me to lunch with him
one bologna sandwiches and Twinkies
Under the peach tree
Ask me to be his lab buddy in biology?
His bus buddy?
Give me his phone number?
Take me out for pizza on Friday nights
Does this mean I finally have a date for the homecoming dance?
Will I get to meet his mother? I hear she is very nice
*** he is waving at me
I raise my hand to wave back
But Marisa beats me to it
His girlfriend?

As I look down at the 6 pound Emily rose
Nestled in a pool cotton, color  and comfort
I cannot help but smile, but only a tiny one
She looks perfect
With her luxurious black curls
Sea green eyes and peachy looking skin
Too perfect for a world full of ugliness, deceit and double standards
What does it mean to be a girl today?

Will she have to fight to get a bigger meal or she be rewarded with leftover scraps?
Will she have to fight to get a proper chance at education or will she be handed a pan and dish rag and taught how to look after a house for the next 30 years or so?
Will she be able to attend school year round or be asked to stay at home because she is menstruating?
Will she be taught how to love her self, that smile, her curves and her big heart or will it all be destroyed under the weight of harsh cultural practices, criticism, peculiar beauty standards and what it means to the perfect woman?
Will her dreams and aspiration be worth something or is it just another reason for people to put her down or huff and puff at her idea of a bright future?
Will she able to attain a degree and make a difference in the world or will it all be for nothing and she will be asked to leave her home to enter another with the person the world has chosen for her?
Will her words and feeling be of any worth to the man whom she will call husband?
Will her family stand by her side when things become difficult?
Will she be happy with whom she is destined to be?

I cannot say and do not know for sure
I only pray that this world gives my child a chance at living

There is a solution to everything I think

If you cannot babysit one night
I suggest you tell your mom that you are still getting over your cold and you do not want to get the baby sick

If there is a test in school and you haven't studied for it
I suggest you fake a stomach ache

If your mom is upset
I suggest you buy her daisies and jellybeans

If your best friend wont talk to you over a silly misunderstanding
I suggest you break the ice with food and song

If you want to play hooky one day
I suggest you go to the beach have fish and chips with ice cream

But what am I suppose to do with you?

I think I am need of a vacation
Maybe for a week
It would be 3 if it were up to me
I want to spend my time in the sun
There should be no rain or snow in sight
I want there to be lots of smooth white sand my feet can dive into
People should be sparse
I want to be surrounded by water
A celestial blue I can see myself in
I want to shed out of my heavy clothing and wear breezy colourful ones instead
Kick of my runners and slip into soft leather
I want there to be trees and local produce
I want to wake up to fresh fruit, seafood and fresh flowers
A bonus if they are edible
Ditch this phone for soft clay or intricate looking beads
Be free of heavy luggage and carry around a satchel with beaded straps
I want to be away from the computers, the fax machines and memos
Spend all that time roaming and sketching what I see along the way
I want to mediate next to the sea or sitting down in a hammock
I want to get rid of restaurant quality food and catch my own supper or make breakfast during sunrise
I want to get rid of my assignments and take part in bonfires, singing, and dancing
Go home to a house made from wood which holds only the necessities like a bed, table, chest of drawers, and a shower
I want to stay up at night stare into the sky and jot down poetry
I want to meet a man who will bring me gifts tucked inside a shell
One who will never leave my mind
Our eyes will flirt
Our hands will talk
And our bodies will clash

I thought mom and pop would be happy
a baby girl after 5 boys
yes they loved me
with all the pink frills and bows
loved me like mad and treated me like i was made from glass
the green kind
they pinched my cheeks
tugged at the bow in my hair
and tightened the sash at the back of my dress
those ugly ruffled ones
When I become to much for some one to handle
especially ma
it was always wagging of the finger
tsking of the tongue
and wondering where ma had gone wrong
wrong about what, i will never know
I was either hushed, shushed or scolded much later
but I could not venture out for too long
not on my own anyways
there always had to be some one next to me
I wondered what people were afraid of
what they saw in me
I dressed my best and always minded my business
even then i could not stay out to learn nor observe
learn about the world
meet new faces
laugh about something new
look forward to better brighter memories
I had to always come home soon and stay with the elderly or the babies
Work a broom, mop or the occasionally the rolling pin
But it bothered me
How I could  not go out like other women
apparently it was wrong
so i sometimes wish i was small again
not baby small but small enough to fit in mans pocket
go everywhere
see everything
be part of something so big that i cannot explain it to the peoples back home
it sounds strange
i bet no one has ever wished for this
but i know at least he wont let me down

One Last Trip
The weather must have been really bright when you left home
I just wished you were feeling the same
Your friends must have been really happy with no worries for the day
I just wish you were feeling the same
The beach must have looked really beautiful
Peaceful
I wish you felt the same way
The sand super smooth
The air clear
The water extra blue
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
You should have reached out
Instead of living a lie
You all must have dined on fresh seafood, flatbread, mashed foods and coconut water
Your favourites
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
Your friends must have walked along paths taking turns telling stores
While you tagged along pretending to be OK and telling no one about your pain
I still wish I knew what you were thinking
Life at home was unbearable I imagine
Minus the pandemic
Your wife kept you on your toes
Your children kept you busy
But as soon as the food water and medication ran out
Your worries and frustration ran high
You still never said anything over the phone
Through the screen
I went along with it
Your thought of everyone
You spared us all from worry and sandiness
But really all I feel now is pain
A deep ache in the shape of a huge hole
Its eating its way right through the heart
I don’t know how far this will go

I cant talk to you today
I won be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Maybe for the entire summer even
Something is wrong
Not with me
My parents
Brother too
My father does not go out for much
Except for work and church
He has been complaining about aches and pains
He wants to lie still all day long
He can’t eat anything accept for bone broth and porridge
He complains of a fever
But everything looked normal
He says he sees something on certain nights
A willowy white figure standing by the edge of his bed
Sometimes looking through a window
He won’t tell me who it is
Sister, grandma a possible mistress?
My mom has not been feeling too good either
I mean she looks okay
She works like a mad woman you know,
But when you talk to her
She barely acknowledges that you are there
It’s like she is in a trance
She lives on coffee and crackers
Down the hall
Stays my brother
Up at all hours
Doing something in his room
It smells kind of funny too
Claims that he has insomnia
I have seen him pop melatonin pills like they are tic tacs
So yea thanks for checking up on me
I still don’t know what is going on
But I cant talk to you today
I wont be able to talk to you tomorrow either

What’s the worst kinda pain after heartache he asked
“ A toothache”

What is the secret to finding the balance between school and marital life?
Trading in your books, and schedule for a white dress and bouquet
Throwing caution to a possibly bright future and bending to all his wants and needs
Making room for babies and china instead of hour long lectures and lab reports
I am unable to find a balance between the two
Do I carry breakfast in one hand and a calculator in the other
Do I keep a spatula handy as well as a pencil tucked behind my ear
Do I stay up to look after a sick partner when everyone is asleep or spend that time to study for an upcoming test
Do I opt for a morning smoothie or a morning coffee because I missed the 6’o clock alarm
Do I sit there and take the time to memorize a three page essay or all of his favorite meals in alphabetical order
Do write out of 750 essay or write out shopping list and invoices
Do I paste fake smile and twinkle in the eye and wear that all day long even though I am boiling mad underneath
Do I babysit my mother-in-law 6 days a week or spend time catching up on last weeks homework
Do I sweep, clean and do laundry for the next two hours as well as I agonize over a test I have not yet studied for
Do I climb into bed with him at a reasonable hour or spend the next 8 hours on late night assignments till early in the morning
How do I find the balance in all this?
What do I do first and leave for last?
I am ready to throw in the towel as well as my favorite ball point pen!

I am not suppose to be waiting up for you
not when there is a million other things to do

I am not suppose to waiting by the phone
wishing you would call
wishing that you would just give me the chance to talk
explain my side of the story

I am not suppose to be feeling this ****** and down
when you messed up

I am not suppose to just feel alright
forget about what happened the other day
smile and ****** up those roses
and plant a big kiss on your cheek

I am not suppose to light up
after waiting all day on you
to get back to me

I am not suppose to let everything slide
because you had an extra hard day and cant think straight

I am not suppose to pretend that everything is ok
when my face looks like hell and make up aint helping

I am not suppose to get past something that meant a lot to me
and smile at you because you forgot

I am not suppose to keep everything inside
and calm the hell down when there is company around

I am not suppose to stand around while you charm everybody else acting like you have all your **** together
when we both know that there is less 20$ in the bank

I am not suppose to be quiet as the tall men come in my house
ready to repo every **** thing in sight because you were a little late paying the bills and lying to me about how you have everything in control

I am not suppose to mopping floors, cleaning up after rude customers and working 10 hour shifts when there will soon be somebody else to think about

But what to do.. I am in love

S= Thank god she's not home yet
C= coach bag and purse to match
R=Ruby rings and diamonds too
E=Empire dresses with a belted waist
W= wine and a watercolour set
E= Estee Lauder Holiday Set for $600
D= Dior Perfume

the details of how you passed on
are slowly emerging
from the phone
from the computer
from the mouth of strangers
I do not know what hurts less
reading it all on paper and glass
or hearing them with my own ears
one way or another
I still feel like I am bleeding
I still feel like I am breaking
trying to keep everything together
hopelessly failing
but still trying to stay intact

I have not seen him in years
not in my dreams
not in my nightmares
or out in the open
I almost forgot what he looked like
How he made me feel
His words sickly sweet and sticky
His touch warm and then freezing cold
His smile,
A little crooked but it did things to me
Unexplainable, irrational things, which I had no excuses for
no remorse whatsoever
All it took was his quirky laugh
a pat on the arm or a kind word or two
I would loose myself in the madness all over again
Become part of a world where there were no pesky adults
nosey old ladies
annoying children
or yapping dogs
It was just the both of us, dressed in our finest
the rest did not matter
or maybe I was too blind to pay heed to it
We were almost never up to any good
tricks, mockery, manipulation, breaking hearts robbery and deception
we took part in all of that and so much more
I lived for the thrill
the rush that came with going out with a man that was off-limits
one that the world thought was not good enough for me
a danger to himself and bad to the bone
His kisses lit a fire from deep inside
His embrace was gentle and full of strength at the same time
His word was the law

Did it hurt when you fell—
Fell out of love with him
Did you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness?
Hold a pity party?
Did it happen while you two were out in public?
Or in the comfort of your home?
Where there people around?
Or was it just you two stuck with each other?
In the dark, under the covers
Did he stare at you for just a moment longer then usual before speaking?
Do you feel anything now when as you sit there with his head in your lap and tousle his wavy brown hair like old times
For the sake of feeling something
Does he still make you smile?
No a sad one does not count
Does he still take your breath away?
Not when his hands are clawing at your throat but just like the first time you two met
I still remember
Does he still ask for hugs?
Good ol bear hugs and  not the sticky ones
Does he still listen to you?
When your hurting and not when he has 5 minutes to spare
Does he still take you out?
No not after a nasty row
Yes these walls are very thin
Does he get angry at you?
For the sky being blue?
For being fired?
Burning the croutons?
Run and don’t look back!

How are you feeling today he asks
Tired I answer back without moving a muscle

Tired of being stuck in one place
Tired of going to school and unsure of what comes next
Tired of staying married to a man who is always busy
With what?
Not sure
But always busy
Tired of carrying forth a dead relationship
Tired of cleaning a house that will get messy the next day
Tired of his mom, she will be leaving soon but I just want to be alone
Tired of wondering what my future holds is it bright or endlessly dark
Tired of attempting to smile when all I want is to stay in bed
Tired of drinking coffee, cup after cup to mask the obvious signs of fatigue in my face and body
Tired of rubbing my eyes and just hanging on

Uh that’s nice he responds staring down at his phone with his mind millions of miles away from here
From me

When you showed0 up at my door with roses and chocolates on my birthday I could not say no

When you proposed to me up in the air on a hot air balloon with a ring bluer then my eyes, I could not say no

When you set me down in front a of a mansion made from glass and crystal which I could fill up with my dreams  
I could not say no

When you got busy right after the wedding and buried yourself in your work and stayed out real late
I could not say no

When you picked up the phone sounding half intoxicated with a with a female companion snuggling up to you
I could not say no

When you would cancel all our lunch or dinner plans and spend them with your friends instead
I could not say no

When you would go out with your pretty little perky secretaries in the name of business I could say no

When I would ask to come along you could not say anything

Where did we go wrong?

Untitled
There are 24 hours in a day but I always have 25 things to do
I am unsure of what to begin with, what to discard and what to leave for tomorrow
The cooking, cleaning, sweeping, moping, serving, redoing, undoing, and bickering is done on a daily basis
Attending class, completing projects and assignments, note-taking, pent up frustration and procrastinating goes happens every other day
My sleeping cycles are irregular
My appetite is hit or miss
My acne is on point
A bad hair day is the norm
Blood shot eyes, short temper and newly found pessimistic behavior is all I ever wear now
Confidence levels are sinking
Anxiety levels are rising
How do I fix this?
A new haircut and coffee I.V?
Get my nails done and have on that make it till you fake it attitude?

I am not Ok!

I am having a bad day
My morning started off with a war of words
Between my husband and I
I have forgiven him for his coarse language
I have forgiven him for his loud tone
I have forgiven him for his irrational behavior
His stubbornness
His loss of patience
I know I am not perfect
I talk when I shouldn’t
But I am sorry for what I have said as well
I am still hurting
I talk to him because I have to, Not because I want to
I cannot even look at him
and trust me when I say that he is a good looking man
I see him now but I am reminded of the ugliness that spilled from his lips
His words still ring in my ears
This sadness has taken over me for the last 12 hours
I go on with the day doing all that must be done
But a part of me, deep inside
Wants to cry
So far I have used 6 ****** tissues
The left side of my pillow
And My prayer mat
But the tears still have not subsided
I am out right now fighting the stinging sensation behind my eyes
But I will have to return home soon and look into his eyes
I pray that the lump in my throat
the quiver in my lips and the hurt in my eyes
will not give me away—

The sun is up but he is not
He always expects breakfast in bed
At the stroke of nine
In fishnet stockings, gloves and frills
Steaming hot
Freshly squeezed
Lavishly buttered
Dripping wet
I have on my candy lips
Vanilla body butter
But something is still amiss
Maraschino cherries

I met her just last year
I did not know much about women at the time..
But truthfully, I felt like it was one of the best decisions in my life
We met in the college library
I was working at the desk
Shuffling through old history books
Organizing index cards
And trying not to fall asleep while still on my feet
She came in bringing a gust of wind and was wearing a black and red belted gingham
4 inch heels too
A burst of color among all the dust grey and boredom
She smelled faintly of ginger and coconut
Ill never forget what she asked for
“ 5 History books 3 magazines and 1 cookbook please”
I tried to keep a straight face
After that we met up behind the bookshelves
I would talk to her while dusting various odds and ends
I would glance at her when would have her head down in the books strewn in front of her
Her wheatish curls spilling down and that very cute way she would chew the ends of her No.2 pencil
Or the way her tongue sticks out when she is stuck on a complicated calculs problem
I began with the questions over two dollar drinks and churros
There was a few laughs in it too
But she made my heart do silly stupid new things
My pale skin flushed in her presence
My hands became sweaty when ever I handled her books or asked for her library card
A grainly looking goddess
She only asked me out after I into a book cart and bumped my head
As I sit here writing this she has that look in her eyes
A quizzical look almost
I am hoping that the bump will go down and she will agree to go watch a silent movie with me
About a monster creature stuck in paris.

Its's not quite 6:30 yet
I sit at my desk with the pc on
A blank page stares back at me
and I feel that itch
It starts at my fingers just waiting to tackle the keyboard and ready to type my problems away for the day
deleting my thoughts one by one from my brain and onto the screen
to make room for  life's more mundane tasks
like making sure that Mr breadwinner has his shoes polished and a matching tie to wear to the office
or chase a silly little five year without breaking a sweat because she refuses to wear slippers or let a brush come close to her auburn curls.
I usually enjoy the chase but not today
the sight of her precious face and that shrill but infectious laugh is enough to get a headache going
not sure what that's about but here it comes...
Maybe a cup of joe will do the trick or is it chardonnay?
can't remember anymore
it has been like this for the past couple of weeks.
He goes to work with a happy smile pasted on his face while mine is replaced with a silent plea " Please give me the strength and patience from within to stay on my feet from dawn till dusk"
Should I wait till he gets home  to tell him what is on my mind or save it for the end of the month when all the bills have been paid off and everyone has been waved off until the next month.
It only seems like yesterday I brought Anjulie home buts it has already been 5 years
Motherhood is a blessing  and all but what I really need a pause button every now and then
Where is the remote when you need one?

They were your favorite
Surprisingly enough mine too
It would always remind me of the blue sky
How we would spend hours upon hours
Under the blue sky
Just taking, sometimes eating
And almost always hand holding
We would give thanks for the smaller things in life
Like your blue-black curls
My goofy smile
Our togetherness
45 faithful years have passed since then
It really was not enough but I am mighty thankful to have spend them filled with your love, comfort and company
But today as I look up to the sky
I..
I have nothing to be thankful for
The mind is empty and my heart feels heavy
It feels like I am bleeding from the inside
You lie beneath my feet
And the air—
It smells like forget me not's!

I know it’s just you and I in the room
Not another person in sight but I can still feel his presence
I know none of it makes any sense.
His words ringing in my ears, breaking the silence and I cannot hear myself think
Mocking me from so far away until I am an on the brink of crying.
What kind of love is this? I wonder
I go out with you but always feel the need to look over my shoulder even when it is time to cross the street
When you place your fingers in mine. I start to panic, it starts all the way from my toes and keeps on rising and only goes away at the very end of the day.
Your kisses touch only skin and nothing else.  
When you come close to me I feel the need to pull away, even though there is no force or ugliness between us
When your lips close in on the nape of my neck I feel cold instead of warm and close my eyes to embrace emptiness
When it gets dark and the door closes I am filled with dread.

*****

My wife looks like a vision of loveliness tonight
In a black dress clinging to her ***
Tighter then spandex
Legs encased in floral looking ***** hose
And manicured toes hidden under a work of leather and tiny bows
She does not look a day over 28
I am standing here talking to one of my collogues from work
This party was her idea
A few new faces down the street and she wanted to break the ice.
Marcy is sweet like that
All I really think about right now is how much sweeter it be to take carry her into the nearest room
Lock the **** door
And throw her on the bed
Strip off my clothes in a haste and take my sweet time with hers
Take in that smell of flowers, cherries and sweat
Its more potent then any other smell out there
Strip her till she only has on skimpy looking pair of underwear
And fear in her eyes
As her brown eyes grow big and dark with arousal
I want to rip off the last bit of cloth off with my teeth and kiss her all over
Kisses that will set her skin on fire and glisten
One by one from her navel to her lips
Get a taste of that cherry lipstick and wipe it clean
Bring my hands down to the smooth triangle between her milky legs
Legs that go on for days
Get her to squirm
Pant
Scream
and finally Release!

At exactly 3.22AM
I always dream in color
About incognisant things
Like puppies, the rain and chocolate mousse cake
Funny memories
Childhood scenes
I suppose that just means I am just missing these things or wish to relive these events once more because reality is sometimes less then pleasant
This dream was in color once again
But they were all and depressing color like shades of red and grey and black
So much black
so much emptiness
and the shadows!
Shadows everywhere… of faceless people
Peoples who are still very much part of my life but they kept of moving about
Not watching where they were going and never at me
Moments later the silence sunk in only to be pierced by angry sounding screams
Full of pain and torment
The type of torment that often comes from widowed people and orphans
what was all the pain about?
Its hard to see but this was enough to take in as an insomniac
It was complete chaos in my mind.
I could not turn it off
The pictures robbed me of my voice completely and my lips had become chapped
I felt hot and uncomfortable all over
What had I witnessed?
Hell?
Something out of horror movie?

Maybe tonight will be different….

There is still many hours left before I can go home and rest my weary head
I can feel a headache coming on
the coffee was too weak
The customers will continue to come and go
buzz around like bees till they have found what they were looking for or make a mess and leave in huff
The owner will grow to be fat, richer and eventually bald
lets hope he does something about his yellow teeth and lack of impatience towards the employees
I sometimes fail to understand how people come in to spend pound after pound on fairness creams, aloe gels and supplement pills
does it all work out in the end or we do all give in to our weaknesses?
get ****** in because of fool proof consumer buying habits
and over the top demos of the latest kitchenware or a bed that can make it self
Its amazing to see how quickly people get rich off of other peoples insecurities
Acne is a killer, though!
As I stand here by one of the **** shelves
I cant help smiling and hoping that some nice lady will come in and get this last 3 step skin care set that is known do to miracles for under eye circles, bags, and fine lines off my tired hands
or maybe that lolly *******, curly haired, monster wont come in minutes before my shift ends and run through the big display of female hygiene products
Or sometimes even wish that people did not have so many problems
feel the constant need to cover up so fast because shaming has become so normal now
we over think things
we exaggerate
become prone to impulsive buys only to later go home and dump all of the days purchases or add on to an already extensive collection of something or the other
When truthfully, many of us never get around using up all that is in our little shopping carts, and baskets
or wind up getting tired of all the steps, rules, regimes
for the perfect face
for the perfect body
for the perfect illusion

Now I don't believe in genies
I don't blow on candles
Look for dandelions
Or throw pennies into wishing wells
But I do wish for some things
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was skinner
I wish I was clever
I wish I was good with numbers and statistics
I wish I was musically gifted
I wish I was genius with food
I wish I more organized and resourceful
I wish I didn’t love so much
I wish I didn’t care so much
I wish I didn’t feel so much
I wish I didn’t have to hurt so much
I Just wish I had been enough for him

The clock reads 1:04 pm
I will have to spend this night like every other night
I should be asleep but I feel restless
The silk on my skin feels anything but luxurious tonight
My mind should be free from thought but it replays every memory i have of you
The ones where you spoke to me
The ones where we laughed together
The ones where we looked at each other with love
The ones where lips were kissed, skin was caressed and moans were silenced
The ones where you raised your hand and could not look at me the very next day
It is chaos in there and that was three years ago...
My hands should stay at my side but they grab at the sheets
My eyes should close any moment now but they sting from the tears that are about to fall
You caused the pain, you left behind the memories, injected the bitterness now find me the cure!

I have not been completely honest
I know I am strong
but at the same time also vulnerable
I know this is not love
It cant be because I am afraid
you are a nice person
drama free and wholesome
pretty parents and manicured lawns
lexus rides and chalets
it all sounds so perfect
looks so great to the naked eye
but I still would not be able to fall in love
because I am afraid
if I begin to love then I will become attached
If i begin to love then I will stop being rational and aim for something that really is not there
if I begin to love then that means I will be free to get hurt
shed tears again
say self damaging things in the name of self defence
All things I know I am capable of
But this cant be love
because I am afraid
to love
to loose
to break and turn to dust

Honestly didn't need this today
I present in the next 10 minutes about why this place needs a gym, and activities like spinning classes and more vegetarian options on the menu
No doubt they will be judging me right down to my shoes
Make up cannot fix this mess and I left my contact solution at home so I am stuck with black rimmed granny glasses
Confidence levels are seriously starting to dwindle
the box said non drowsy works in 20
but I don't know, I am starting to feel kinda funny
almost loopy
Ok 5 minutes to go
I am going to slowly count down to 100
my throat feels weird
but at least my eyes do not itch and nose isn't so red
Crap
somebody's already done
he's coming out and looks ghastly
all sweaty, kinda pale and hair sticking out in all directions
"Well then, you look like **** but good luck in the dragons den"
I cant believe I am suppose to see this guy later
charming my foot!

The room is bare the closet empty
When you left you took everything with you
My heart as well
In exchange you left behind a tiny piece of you
Your scent
It lingers
On my clothes, sheets and skin
I cant bring myself to throw any of it away
I bring them close to my face and with my eyes closed I can still see everything you sitting crossed legged in bed or lying perfectly still every day you got upset
You smelled like oranges and vanilla, cherries and *** and something else I was never able to figure
Whatever it was its still there and the smell of you is everywhere
It has filled up every single room in this small apartment
I wish I had been careful
I always wanted more then you were ready to give
Maybe that’s why you left
With no trail behind
You were mesmerizing
Absolutely intoxicating but I know I will never able to replicate that smell
I have gone through bottles
Light, Airy, Citrusy, Sensual, Sickly Sweet, Floral
Its nice but its not you
Not even close
I sit here now clutching your favorite polo to my chest
Clutching to memories
The scent has already started to fade
Soon it will be gone
You will be gone
Forever

Know what I hate the most about myself after a big fight
a heated discussion
a nasty row
The fact that I cant remain calm
The fact that I cant sit still
The fact that I cant keep quiet when all I really want is to blurt something out something negative
Something hurtful
Something stabby
Something that will make me feel better for a split second and hurt him for days
Its not always possible to be the bigger person
Its not always easy to take the high road
Is this what happens when you have kept quiet for way to long?
Act nice to those who you really don’t like just out of good manners and cultural norms?
Look the other way just to keep the peace?
Nobody likes living in a house filled with angry words that scar up the walls
Nasty looks that stain glass
Resentment that lingers everywhere
From room to room
Like worst smell you can think off
Bitterness that is so strong that concrete and brick weigh nothing
I am tired
I wish I could get lost
Forget my way home and throw the key away in the nearest bit of water
let it rust away like the memory of my first night with you
It would still be the same ugly house
Even if someone has cleaned up the insides the old fashioned away with a bucket mop sponge and toothbrush
Fix up all the doors and windows
Slap on a glossy coat of paint
Make the bathroom squeak
Make the kitchen smell like freshly baked cookies
Place a new welcome mat

You look tired and completely out of it, old friend
Your body is here but your mind elsewhere
I cannot tell what you are thinking right this minute
But I understand you were here on an assignment
To help a young but brave woman battle an untimely illness
To figure out what snatched her husband and only son on a cold night in 88
You remember him right?
you two were practically best buds in high school till you got early acceptance into the academy
Vowing to serve mankind and always make sure that justice was meted well among the poor and the restless
This could have not been easy for you
but maybe this part of the world proved to be too much for your eyes
The modern landscapes and technology
The bold lifestyle choices that are now available to the young peoples
The off putting language and mindset
You are still no good with words but I know you were mortified on seeing woman prance around with their little doggies in million dollar purses
Men showing of their briefs and pierced earlobes in the streets
Babies clinging more to their phones then pacifiers
I also know that you fell hard for a wine maker's daughter
Trinity
I don't think she was at the academy
Fine wine wont be enough to forget her assets
Go on talk to her while I wait