dOn’t FeEl LiKe WrItInG tOnIgHt
I pReFeR sCrIbBlEs To WoRdS
ThEy ReQuIrE lEsS wOrK
eVeN lEsS tHoUgHt
ZeRo HeArTbReAk

SENT

What happened all of us sudden
You would talk to me daily
Now your too busy
Should have just said something
I would have understood
Now your never around
Online and Offline
Too busy for chats
Too busy for text messages
Too busy for emails
Too busy for letters
Too busy for parcels
Too busy for take out
Everything comes back intact, unopened, unmarked and unread
Your too busy
For me
For us
I will surely find away to send you back my hurt feelings
Unfulfilled wishes
Broken dreams
Scattered thoughts
All the words that should have been said between You and I
But you never had time for it
I knocked, typed, texted. emailed and wrote
Sent you all that I had
Until it was unappreciated, unwanted and disregarded
You are not worth it anymore

I missed you by a few seconds at best
I think your friends call you Ajax or Alex
I'm not too sure, I couldn't really hear anything over the noise
Happy 22nd birthday, I sincerely hope that you enjoyed it
The peoples, the music, the food and decorations all carefully selected by yours truly.
Your aunt roped me into this and she had mentioned something about a spoilt nephew
I don't think you are so spoiled

Its no secret that I like you
I have grown fond of you at this point
We go to the same college
Have had the same classes and worked on labs together as well but I don't think you remember
I also sit a few seats behind you in homeroom as well but still nothing
You steal glances at me and make snooty remarks and are extremely completive
It doesn't bother me so much
But I don't think you are spoilt brat

Its no secret that I like you
I am not sure you feel the same way about me but we get along just fine and have plenty in common
You paint with colour and I paint with words
You view the world behind heavy lenses, while I take everything in with my yes
You prefer mountains and hilly terrains while I love the view from the very top of the cheerleading pyramid
I heard from someone that things did not really work with Ciara
She is a great friend of time but I honestly think you deserved better
When two people are busy with so much and cannot make time for another things tend to fall apart
That's what happened to our friendship but don't blame her

It ***** that I cant have you for myself
For all the right reasons thought so please don't misunderstand me
I am just afraid that we will hit it off really well and then things will just fall to pieces
I mean you are very accomplished talented and self efficient
I admire all of that greatly, unfortunately I am still a work in progress
I am learning but unable to stand on my own two feet
I am grounded in one place while you have traveled the world and must be in attracted to only the type of women who have it all figured out
A pretty face, soulful eyes, the perfect career and can handle projects from all over the place
I am maybe a little more simpler then that
I hate chaos but try my very best
I don't have a concrete plan yet of what I would like to do in life and or fully understand my purpose in this world either
I am not there yet, I have accepted that but I don't want to slow you down with anything
I don't want to anger you, because of my naiveté or inexperience
Embarrass you for asking too many questions
Hurt you because of my own personal issues and insecurities
act like a fool when I am out with you and see you sounded by females and fame

Its not secret that I like you
But I am afraid that ill get burnt if I tell you how I really feel about you
I am afraid that you will play with my feelings and lead me on for as long as it suits you
I am afraid that I wont be enough for you

I wish you were here because I need you
The distance has become too much for me
I am patient but I am failing

I know we talk, but I need more tonight
I need you to take me away
Just for one night
Please
Let there be very little light and space between us
No people whatsoever
No other voices around, except for yours

Undress me till I have nothing but my smile on
Let there be no distractions
No disturbances
Let our bodies talk tonight
For hours, without delay
In the dark
As our senses are heightened

Touch me
I wont ask again
But make the pain go away
Its an order
If you cant Then numb it

Kiss me, and take your time
I want to savour it
But make the pain go away

Caress me, and don't rush
I want it to be the last thing I will ever feel
But make the pain go away

I want to forget everything tonight and loose myself
completely
In you, right here and right now

Just the two of us
In the dark

It has been a rare kind of day
I woke up feeling refreshed instead of the usual toss and turn
White omlett with cheese, freshly sqeezed OJ fried taters and greens done right
The water pressure did not falter this morning and relaxed all the right muscles
My dress felt extra crisp and my nails were on fleek
No new scars in sight, I was atually glowing
No highlighter necessary
Shopping was enjoyable and not so much a chore
I saw something I liked but didnt bring it home
Catching up with freinds and discussing plans for the summer and upcoming gigs was a breeze
Lunch was delighful because I got the table i really wanted and that cranky tight lipped waiter was no where in sight
Rice and balsamic salmon with a much needed lemoncello hit the spot
I was ok with no dessert
That an with the sad eyes and cute accent at the next table did make serious eye contact with me though
Ah- maybe next week, I bet he will get bored of that brown haired spray tanned ***** hanging on to his every word and carrying a pink rhinestone celly everywhere
I mean everywhere!
Maybe I will stop by at the jewellery store to add on another charm to my bracelete
A lady bug or a daisy I saw a few on the way here
Sketch a little, I think im finally sit still
I should be going home soon
I feel like painting tonight in shades of blue black and grey
A face in the distance
Hope
A fighting spirit
Not sure yet but this is a start
I still miss you daddy

Are we born with one or do we begin to loose it as we grow older an find our way
Does it leave us when we take a on a new personality
When we have all of papers and are able to move up the corporate ladder
Smile, shake hands but mainly call the shots
Take on new challenges and and search for bigger highs
Talk with people who seem nice but do not want to be found
Figure out the difference between lover and friend
When you finally got hold of her phone number
Have him wrapped up so good around your diamond clad pinky finger
After nights of spending time, laughing over nothing
Getting caught up in each other, scraps of red lace tendrils of reddish blonde hair
Catching  fireflies, feelings, and unspoken desires
Coming home with red lips and skin cleansed from a bathwater of lust and sin
Having one last shot before linking arms with Mrs No Name
Making that much dreaded weekly call to the wife telling her your caught up at work and cant come home for the weekend
When really you are taking picture after picture of a women who is calling out for you over and over again
When the bills continue to pile up but your having too much fun gambling away your wife’s smile, children's college funds and the money for chemo
When you have no where left to to but to the safety box and carry metal around in your pocket till you've found the perfect place to pull the trigger

I can feel it again
Even as I am sitting here flipping through flashy magazines and sipping on a match green tea with cinnamon powder no milk and two ice cubes
In a room painted a lovely lavender and pristine looking furniture
I look like peace and serenity
My hairs down and it feels great to be out my skin tight work clothes
Funny enough my mind is not at peace
I want to smile but I cant
My face will become a crumbling mess in a few minutes
I quickly set the foam coloured cup down on the glass table before me
My hands feel tingly and ball up into fists
Dont know why
I am not angry
No
I feel a great wave of sadness
It makes me so uncomfortable I want go hide
But I cant
I throw the magazine onto the pale coloured thing at my feet which looks like animal fur
That helped a little
I am frozen in place and my feet feel like they have pins and needles stuck to them
I quickly wipe away the tears but cant do anything about the giant ball lodged in my throat
I'm going to think of happy thoughts
Of a good day
I hope this goes away soon I have a meeting soon
My face is not made up but red eyes and blotchy skin is not pretty
It will raise questions and I don't need that
I try to calm my self down by counting to 30
I feel something again
Something rising from the pit of my stomach and making its way up my throat
Is it anger? Frustration? Anxiety? Panic?
I cannot say, I am fully prepared for the meeting, all my papers are in order and my phone is tucked away in my small purse
But why cant I shake this feeling away
Will I be able to walk to the door, and smile and get on with it?
I don’t know but whatever it is I hope it goes away
Come back after 6 I will be full of cheap wine and brisket
I will deal with you then

I was hoping I could forget you
Because it was the easiest thing to do
As i became busy with school and work
Met new people and forged better relationships
Met Mr Right but no he turned out to be A mix of Jekle and Hyde
It hurt but I grew from it
Burned old memories and continued on
Hopeful of better things and fully motivated to do kick ****
Except I really didnt
I was busy for sure but you invaded my thoughts
I got to thinking
You made mistakes and so did I
I pushed you away because i thought I deserved a whole lot better
Except I was blind to see that you had almost all the qualities i had been secretly looking for in a man
The rest would have been mended with patience guidance and a blind eye
Except I couldnt wait any longer even though we had spend 4 years together already
I nagged critisized, praised some but usually lost my patience with you
Some days were great
Just the two us, great food, music that would be soon be forgetten, and questionable weather
Until that just didnt do it anymore
I seriously began to question your ambitions and the future
You always said you were unsure of what to do
You were great at other things though
Cooking and tidying up was second nature
Your pictures always captured what the rest of the world couldnt see
Your writting could make the crankiest man feel something
You were always there to help me with work and assignments
In short helping me achieve my goals
You never short on encouragement and motivation
I miss it now
You stayed up all night with me whenever I felt rejected by world
Always went out of the way to make me feel special when i felt ugly
Loved when I felt worthless
Calm when i felt like tearing things apart
I miss it now
You never stopped sending me little tokens of care and appreciation when my body could not keep up with what life threw at me
Made me feel better when I withdrew into myself and couldnt leave the bed
Made my life easier in about 50 different ways
Thats when I knew you really felt something for me
But i was afraid to call it love
I wish i could I have appreciated all of that just a little more
I realize now that I was usually in the red
You constantly put up with my ugly side
The continuous nagging, and critism in all that I did
You bared it
The cripping self doubt i had about myself
You bared it
The draining negativity that would sometimes fly from my lips
You bared it
All that that couldnt have been easy to deal with
But you did not complain very much being only a few years older then me and far away from your own family
You were always so quiet around me but never completely lost your cool
I dont remember you screaming or raising a hand
I am sorry for all the times I physically pushed you away
I wanted to be alone and sometimes I just didnt know how to say no
I am sorry that I was demanding, at times needly and plain disrespectful through speech
My anger was alway red hot but you found a way to turn it off with a chuckle, joke or distraction
The tv helped
But I never thanked you enough for it
Didn't show you enough gratitude because I was always busy
Busy planning, conquering, and then finally loosing
It all came crashing down
I am sorry for that
You cried but I didn't feel much until it was all over
I was always looking for much better, only to end up with barely enough
I don't know where you are right now and its ok that you stopped keeping contact with me
Most people wouldn't want to speak to a terrible woman
You were the first to realize it
I wish I had seen it in time
I have change a lot since that day
But I would not be lying if I said now that I sometimes wish he was you

I thought mom and pop would be happy
a baby girl after 5 boys
yes they loved me
with all the pink frills and bows
loved me like mad and treated me like i was made from glass
the green kind
they pinched my cheeks
tugged at the bow in my hair
and tightened the sash at the back of my dress
those ugly ruffled ones
When I become to much for some one to handle
especially ma
it was always wagging of the finger
tsking of the tongue
and wondering where ma had gone wrong
wrong about what, i will never know
I was either hushed, shushed or scolded much later
but I could not venture out for too long
not on my own anyways
there always had to be some one next to me
I wondered what people were afraid of
what they saw in me
I dressed my best and always minded my business
even then i could not stay out to learn nor observe
learn about the world
meet new faces
laugh about something new
look forward to better brighter memories
I had to always come home soon and stay with the elderly or the babies
Work a broom, mop or the occasionally the rolling pin
But it bothered me
How I could  not go out like other women
apparently it was wrong
so i sometimes wish i was small again
not baby small but small enough to fit in mans pocket
go everywhere
see everything
be part of something so big that i cannot explain it to the peoples back home
it sounds strange
i bet no one has ever wished for this
but i know at least he wont let me down

Untitled
I needed a break
so I threw my self into all the things that needed to be done every day and neglected you for some time
for 3 months or so
I have never been away from you for so long
but that should have been enough time to cleanse the mind
I am happy to say that the tears are gone
the wall is slowly going up
I am ok with this
I need to focus on me
I gave you way to many chances
too many fresh starts
bid you goodnight with hey don't worry tomorrow is a new day
well now that's going to change
It isn't really me it was always you
I took the first step and then second and kept on going
but like always you never stayed in one place
you were actually all over the place
and I always found myself in a mess and had to stay calm no matter what
because well, one of us had to be grounded
That should have been your job too at times
especially when I got tired of the drama and feelings and wanted to feel and understand no more then the warm embrace of your arms
it would have been more then enough to shake away the cold thoughts and insecurities
I smiled and exuded confidence but most of the time for your own benefit
Now I cant even do that for myself
I have formed the habit of staring into the distance and thinking hard
so hard that people now think that I am always mad
mad at world
when truthfully I am just mad at you
I know, that's long overdue
but it's true
so mad I could scream cry and break things but I wont
I will just continue to stare as the wall goes up
I don't mind
I am ok with that

Hey
its no secret that I am the crazy type
working hard for what I want
I listen to...well nobody
go for the ****
Don't know what happened that night
You came in out of no where
all that noise
the bright lights
same old crowd but new drinks
there you were
dressed to impress with you mini entourage of one time gals
draped in expensive furs, sparkle and nursing something or the other in their bony hands
I know, first impressions are important
but I just didn't get the memo
working behind the scenes
clipboard in hand and tapping about all over the place
sipping on something that tastes like nothing but taking you in
The fire engine mini was not my idea
but I knew you wanted me right there, right then
Heck I know all about you too
net worth close to 45 billion
single but always ready to play
imported side pieces all over the place
stolen kisses, scented handkerchiefs and purple skin
that what your really about
Don't worry, I wont tell
huge tips, sweet nothings and fake smiles
I am not on sale though
So you can tell tom, ****, and harry to back off and not waste my time
trying to get my number
although... they would look good standing right outside my door
I know you wanna talk
you keep on taking these half steps and you cant dance for nothing
I don't bite but I am looking for something to nibble on
my shift ends in 10
not in the mood for smelly cheese and red drinks
salmon and caviar wont cut it either
I want something more...

this feels different
new
the sounds are pleasant
the faces smile and nod
the colors are extra vibrant
goodbye sluggish mood
I’ve been smiling all day
he has not ****** me off yet
I think this started right after lunch
Someone brought in dessert
little green cubes made from gelatin. cream and frosting
I popped in a few
all at once, actually
it numbed my tongue for the few seconds
then my mind...

Do not look away
I know you were staring
Yes I look smashing tonight
but take me away from here
from all of these sultry and bored looking jezebels
******* dressed and ready
to do whatever you like for the next hour
or for the rest of the night
if you are the adventurous type
In twos threes and the whole lot
I do not want to be here
I did not come here by choice
I was led astray by a man who promised me love loyalty and passion
I trusted him a little too much
I was sober when I did this
but then I woke up in a dark room with only the tiniest bit of light there to see that I had pretty much nothing on
with a searing pain between my thighs and strange markings of neck and back
I know it will not stop here
just this one time
I will have to entertain many more
morning or night
he wont always be the nice type
They will pin me down
gag me
tear away at my ****** flesh
You know how I know?
I heard everything from the room next to mine
Oh how she cried, bitterly begged for mercy and kindness
pleaded that he come back another day
but the man growled and paid her no mind
ripped off cloth and had his way with her till the sun came up and woke me up from my slumber
I tossed and turned but could not really sleep
my stomach hurts and I do not want to suffer the same fate as her
I can tell that you are different
You have nice calm eyes
you talk to the woman very kindly
go out of your way to bring them little gifts
rose colored scented soaps or books
flowers that I may weave in my hair later
I do not know when I will get out of here
how I will get out of here
but at least you and I can be friends
Be all that I was deprived of because I was born a girl

I think Its time I give up
You are nice
there is no doubt about
but there is a saying
nice guys finish last
I believe nice guys do not go very far in life
its such a shame
I deserve better
no not in terms of looks money or degree
love actually
I should not have to plead for your love
fragments of your time
sprinkled with affection and meaningful bits of advice
I will no longer hound you with my attempts at romance
my last minute plans for us to spend time together
God knows how much I prayed for "us" to work out
God knows how many tears I have spilled over you
yeah you love me but you aren't sure how to show it
well guess what, you don't have to show anything anymore
Gone are the days where I pestered you to bring something to the table
asked you repeatedly to inject life into our dead relationship
I have learned the cold and hard way that maybe you wont change your ways not because you are stubborn
or do not care
no that's not it
you just think that there is nothing wrong with us
well I am not going to be a bother again
Go on with your day and play your roles
Maybe I will stop feeling
Maybe with time my mind will shift away from the grainy pictures of us
of the way you treated me
even though you claimed that to be your "very best"
I realize now it comes down to me
I am not unfamiliar to being alone
I will relish all the days I have left

The sun is only moments away from hiding
The air has turned chilly
The moon is yet make her great big entrance
The windows and doors to the house are all colsed but i still feel cold and empty
Even though there is a pair of twins singing and dancing right above my head
The family  dog circles me for the 10th time without a care in the world
I should be setting the table for supper but my broken thoughts turn to him
I have not seen him in weeks nor heard anything from him
We had a disagreement and he left seconds later
I was not worried
But I was foolish to think that everything would be ok in a few hours and he would come home with treats for the girls and the opportunity for me to apologize
He never came home
I didnt sleep at all that night
Fed the girls a lie and send them to bed wih full tummies and confusion in their hearts
I wake up with my apology speech memorized every single morning and always dress up
In case there is a knock at the door
I practically know what I am going to say and cringe at the though of slipping into another corset
I am hoping he will show
Tonight of all nights at least
The girls fear the worst the bed is starting to feel like a grave.

Its normal to forget sometimes, right?
Perhaps a face
the way your lovers face searches for the truth whenever she has caught you in a lie
or maybe what day of the week it is
But in my case, it really isn’t
I sometimes have no recollection of an entire event
Be it 5 minutes long or something that lasted for a very long time
I cannot remember the who, what, where, or the when
The why part never really seems to make any sense to me afterwards
I wasn’t always like this but now I have been dubbed as the woman who is very likely to loose herself one day
Its not too far from the truth to be honest,
I wish i could forget some things
Expcially the people who no longer exsist
Its perfectly notmal for me to be immersed in grading papers and making last minute edits to powerpoints due the next morning  but I still cannot for the number of punches you threw down at me, every time you were ****** about something
I can be talking over the phone with some one but then my brain starts to itch in trying to remember if you ever truly loved me
I can sit in total silence, comepletely relaxed but I can't seem to forget forget why i ever sacrificed so much for you when everybody else knew that we were never going to last and you would be the first to walk away
Times are different now
I know that
But i still cannot forget.

Its been close to 30 days I think but I don't feel like I have changed very much
I have moved out of our lavish home and into something more modest with just two bedrooms
One filled with books, letters, and unopened memories
I don't trust myself with those yet
Your clothes, cologne, and everything in between has been locked up in storage
the walls are no longer stare back at me
I can see you from everywhere
You smile at me from the kitchen when I am standing before the stove with my black hair all disheveled in my mismatched house slippers
You always remain deep in thought in the study room whenever I go in to pen out letters or thank you notes
Maybe it hurts even less now when the day is over
I cant say, I no longer sit still in front of the tv lost in other peoples daily squabbles and superficial relationships
I don't waste any time thinking about 2018 or the first time we met
but yes I do feel bad... only for 5 minutes though!
I don't think i'm going to be dating any time soon but I am open to new faces
Marriage is not in the cards but I don't mind being a bridesmaid again
Anniversaries are tough, but I just go on a much needed holiday
I haven't given up on what you loved the most
I still write late into the night till my fingers hurt
I still bake year round till the house smells like gingersnaps and chocolate
the piano gets a check up twice a year on our birthdays 6 months apart
there's still me
I haven't given up yet

She is not home
She has no final destination either
One day it’s Madrid and next week she is cozying up in Aspen
We did not meet by luck
I saw her first in high school
Painfully thin, limp haired thing with dreamy eyes and a very quiet smile
Years later none of that is there anymore
She has blossomed into a platinum haired buxom and sad eyed enchantress
5 feet and encased in a crimson ribbed sheath dress that shows off her décolletage
A naked face with just a dab of maroon on the lips
She can wear anything and get away with it
I saw her in the airport sipping a cherry  liquid with a black briefcase at her feet
She waved frome the distance and smiled mischevelously
The same smile that ate up 5 years of my life
We talked about nothing even though there was so much to be said
So many answers
About why she left
Why I had to fight left and right warding off pint sized and egoistical men who kept coming to my workplace and asking about her whereabouts.
Called her Ava, Alica, Coco, and Sapphire
I was grabbing for words but nothing came out
I was an expensively clad man who was tongue tied
She grabbed me in that special way that makes a man’s stomach churn and feelt uncomfortable…downstairs
We sat there in brief silence while she played with her gorgeous mane of dark waves
Something beeped and she leaned closer
“ Don’t try to come find me”

Every since I was a little girl
maybe 5
I could hear voices
not of dead people
but the annoying living ones
A few words here and there, at first
then whispers in the evenings
and finally commands criticism and ridicule
One would call my  name slowly and ask me to sit up straight for hours and wear itchy stockings till it was time to go to bed
Another would snap at me!
Avert your eyes and hide yourself in the kitchen or one of the upstairs bedrooms
On Fridays one screamed at me for no apparent reason,
I guess she didn't like me
the next one took great pleasure in embarrassing me about my stutter and overbite
The old and judgemental ones were by far the worst
Shrill, soft, low, feminine, raspy and plain crazy
they would come out of no where
one minute I'm fine and going on with my day
and very next I'm holding my head in hands and cursing
I get this 7 days a week, the weekends were not for resting, socializing and fun
I would have to sit in a stuffy old room every weekend decorated with books, an atlas, and cobwebs
all alone while the rest played downstairs
dressed up for a funeral, where no one died
this has been happening to me for many long years
but I long to hear my mothers voice
Where are you ma?

When life gets in the way
absolutely nothing is going right
I cannot think straight
anxiety follows me everywhere
I always look for you
turn to you
we live in two different places of the world
but distance is not the problem
We always have something to talk about
things to think bout
and many days to look forward too
Time becomes the enemy
when its time to go
I don't feel like leaving
Maybe it has to do with the way your eyes smile when we go out
It definitely has something to do with how you have become an expert at listening to me with and ready with sound advice
free of judgement and an open heart every single time
I always feel light and look brighter after talking to you
through letters, texts, post cards
we have done it all
I assure you the drinks have no effect on me
Dessert is always nice
but I always look forward to meeting you
our happy hour

This is not a regular cold
This is not that time of the month
There are no over the counter meds for this
No topical creams ointments or braces
This type of pain comes and goes
Sometimes it stays with me all day long
Becomes very intense at night when no one else is around
Or hits me unexpectedly and brings me to my knees
I forget to smile and grimace instead
I forget about small talk and find a place to hide instead
I don’t like the presence of others and prefer my own company
Parties and get togethers are a complete torture and all I can think about it getting back in my joggers and hide under the comfort of my purple comforter that smells like lavender and chamomile
I used to be surrounded by people once but now not so much
Writing and walking helps
Cleaning and baking too
But I run out of things to write and all the roads always must lead back to the house
Making messes and cleaning up mistakes wear me down now
I won’t go to my friends for this
And a friendly stranger does not seem like a good idea either
The symptoms are always the same but I still have not found the cure to this
I am tired of being sick.

I really don’t know what everyone keeps on warning me about
She is just perfect
She totally understands me
Doesn’t nag me if I just sit around the Xbox on Fridays
Lets me sleep on the weekends and can bake 3 tired cheesecake
She is also great with the elderly and pets
My pug frost has completely forgotten all about me
He gets lou her slippers
Waits for her by door
Welcomes belly scratching, bubble baths, tofu and painted nails
My aunts always wrinkle her nose and asks for rosee when lou is around and shopping
My friends think that she is definitely out of my league and hiding something
Just because she is size 6, invests in high end make up and practically lives at the gym
Whats is wrong with liking what you see in the mirror?
I am lucky to wake up next to her every morning
But I wonder what she could be lying about
I know about her rough childhood
Alcoholic father
Violent brother
The forced abortion at 19 and drugs at 22
She says she feels happier now and that is all in the past
But I still wonder why she chose to go out with me.

The room is a mess
The lightbulb needs to be changed
I also dropped his favorite bottle of cologne earlier
I guess its appropriate for the occasion
Something to remember him by
I just know I cant stay here anymore
“You are leaving because you deserve better” the voice in my head shrieks
How does one pack away five years of her life in one worn out leather case?
The tickets and passes stare back at me
What do I take and leave?
Diary….clothes… Shoes…jerky..energy drinks…
What about the dried up rose from our wedding night?
Thin stack of letters we wrote to each other long before Facebook and messenger got in the way?
There is space for that!
I throw in paperwork that documents that peter has given up his powder addiction
Information on all the court mandated anger management classes that he has been attending behind my back
He is getting better.. Just like he promised..
“But he will hurt you again” she says mockingly
I Can’t throw out the ring or chain I am wearing
“Sell it! She whispers.. You’ll be needing the money…”
“Sell his watches, baseball cards, and all the glittery crap in the room she continues
Take the key and the secret stash behind the bed”
I hurriedly packed everything
My fingers tremble just slightly
“Your doing the right thing” she croons in my head
My eyes burn
There is no time wipe away the tears
He will be here soon…

I forget the date
the time even
but it was raining outside
I had no umbrella
my hair had gone limp and
the the blood red pant suit I had on weighed a ton
the buildings looked bigger and more intimidating the usual
I paid no attention to the people
they were passing by in a faceless blur
I paid no attention to the phone either
I did not hear it ring under a mountain of paper make up and scrambled thughts
the phone battery had betrayed me as well
I didnt know what I was so busy with that day but I felt this intense need to just make it home
or else it would be too late!
But I could not make it in time,
My feet did not carry me home fast enough though
I stood there, and watched
didn't scream
didn't react
didn't feel
when a man wheeled you out of the house in a black body bag

I met her just last year
I did not know much about women at the time..
But truthfully, I felt like it was one of the best decisions in my life
We met in the college library
I was working at the desk
Shuffling through old history books
Organizing index cards
And trying not to fall asleep while still on my feet
She came in bringing a gust of wind and was wearing a black and red belted gingham
4 inch heels too
A burst of color among all the dust grey and boredom
She smelled faintly of ginger and coconut
Ill never forget what she asked for
“ 5 History books 3 magazines and 1 cookbook please”
I tried to keep a straight face
After that we met up behind the bookshelves
I would talk to her while dusting various odds and ends
I would glance at her when would have her head down in the books strewn in front of her
Her wheatish curls spilling down and that very cute way she would chew the ends of her No.2 pencil
Or the way her tongue sticks out when she is stuck on a complicated calculs problem
I began with the questions over two dollar drinks and churros
There was a few laughs in it too
But she made my heart do silly stupid new things
My pale skin flushed in her presence
My hands became sweaty when ever I handled her books or asked for her library card
A grainly looking goddess
She only asked me out after I into a book cart and bumped my head
As I sit here writing this she has that look in her eyes
A quizzical look almost
I am hoping that the bump will go down and she will agree to go watch a silent movie with me
About a monster creature stuck in paris.

Everyone says

Guess what
There is only a few minutes left before you board the plane
I suppose I am to feel something right now
look at you in a meaningful way
let a few tears slip
hug you like it is for the very last time
make sure it lasts about 10 seconds
take in your manly smell if i am lucky
But...
none of that is happening
I know its going to be a quick goodbye and a casual wave
This is not a melodrama
It is just two friends saying goodbye for a brief few weeks
a break from all of your yakking and midnight escapades
There will be no more of hogging the bathroom or fighting over the last slice of pizza and pumpkin pie
no more picking up wet towels, holey socks and questionable looking briefs
I will now be able to sleep in late every weekend
eat what I like - be it chocolate or empty calories
Go out whenever needed
It all sounds... boring!

I guess I will miss you after all

Towers
I know I should not be here
Its late, its cold and my stomach has started singing 10 minutes ago
The flashlight might give out soon and my backpack feels like a mass of rocks
Not to mention my so called brave companion looks like he might pass out soon
I cannot turn back just yet
I am in search of her…
I am searching for a maiden
Not my ex or my lover
But a maiden that chooses to stay locked up in a tower
Stop that laughing!
Its not Rapunzel.. she was just a man’s imagination
No this maiden is real
She must be in her mid twenty’s by now
She loves books, music, birds, writing and dance
I am not sure what why she picked to stay in a tower
It is very tall but looks very lonesome
Everyone needs to get away I suppose
But I hope she is not the suicidal type
Nah, she is too pretty for that
She is charming, beautiful, young and has so much to live for
I need to find her
She could do so much more once she comes down that tower
Picking berries riding horses and fighting the cold does not sound that great or romantic
The tower is still quite far from here but I know I should be there before 11pm
Its 8 right about now
I hope she will like the books of sketches and poetry I have bought along for her
I know she sketches alot
I hope she likes me
Ignore the snickering behind me – my friend thinks that I am a fool for doing this but no one should be living in isolation without any working wifi or warm enough clothing
I wonder what her voice sounds like
What her first words will be
I have thought about this meeting for months
The locals are fine but there is something different but her
She has soft looking features but her eyes show honey colored determination
She has a willowy frame but can walk and run for miles
Her laugh is contagious but I hope she won’t be frowning at me
It wont be long now
The tower is not very far
I can see it
A long dark thing in the middle for green grass and dead looking trees
No fruits flowers or birds in sight
Its strangely quiet
I can hear my friend breathing
I quicken my pace
I feel tired but I push my self to make it to that tower, up those stupid stairs and to her
Stand tall look into her eyes and convince her to leave
I am finally here
I don’t bother to look behind me
I smile and search for the door
A mossy looking door that doesn’t look very strong
I use my very last bit of strength and get it to open
The stairs to my relief are not very long or circular
There is music coming from above
My feet ache but I make my way above
It smells strongly of flowers and decaying flesh
I ignore this and keep walking
The music is getting louder
I smile and finally walk in
Too see a room filled with twinkling lights, candles and something brewing in the fire place
The music has stopped…
But there is no there
She isn’t here
Before I can react, something flies in the air and hits me in the face
A scented scrap of pink cloth
“Your too late”

I haven’t had this much fun since the accident
It was nice to count the stars above our heads every night instead of the pills she needed to take every day
It felt great to be able to travel by car to Port Jeff and take everything in, then to travel by car and wait at the doctors office to be surrounded by death and the dying
I spent my last twenty on a much needed pedicure instead of junk food- the only type of food she would cry out for in her sleep
It was a blessing to be able to sit down and actually savor the food put in front of me instead of drinking my self thin on weak tea, broth, sherry and pureed goop.
My nose welcomed comforting smells of baked ziti, pumpkin spice and broccoli pinwheels instead of blood sweat and *****
The sky above has been slashed in shades of purples and pinks which is a nice change from all the black and grey i've been looking at lately
The air is filled with music and laughter instead of the coughing wheezing occasional prayer and curses
There is no blaring tv or radio in sight, going on about how the world is going to **** and people are dying by the dozen
No more tsking and clucking only silence and looks of gratitude.
I will always remember this but I wish I could bring something home instead of burying everything
Sometimes in the deep folds of my mind
And other times deep into the ground
Letting it all become one with the earth.

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day

Look at the way she is looking at him
there is love, trust and longing there
Even though this is a public place buzzing with people and noisy waiters and waitresses
They are sitting across each other in a dimly lit area near the window
he says something and reaches for her hands
Even though there are people around and the children are very fussy
He laughs about something and reaches over to remove a speak of lint or paper out of her long strawberry colored locks even though the customer next to him is eyeing him like a piece of candy
She bats his hand away and picks up the menu while caressing his feet under the table
An older woman gasps but quickly covers her mouth with a wine coloured napkin
A young burly looking waiter with a mustache comes to their table and places two silver color platefuls of food
She dines on seafood and he stabs at the hunk of beef on his plate
She plays with the food before feeding him a morsel
Even though a set of twin children giggle away and mimic the young couples actions
The two carry on talking and laughing like tomorrow does not matter
Right until closing time
They polish off an entire bottle off red wine and three+ plates worth of dessert
Still no one said anything and they did not take notice of the people who threw them rude stares or mumbled under their breath
all because these two decided to dine in their pyjama's and white and grey skunk slippers tonight

I am standing at the corner
For the ogling
Lewd glances
Cat calls
Sweet lies
But a hot meal too

If I tell you something
Will you promise to listen?
Here goes…
See that tall fella there with the sandy hair and brown eyes
Yes the one wearing denim pants and steel toed shoes
He looks like a dream
Everyone says so
He volunteers in hospitals and soup kitchens
Goes to church on Sundays
Has 2 stray cats and a degree in medicine
So I am not sure why he is still single
He can cook the perfect steak
Give out the best Swedish messages
Babysits in his spare time
So why does he still live alone?
In a secluded little house with an oak swing and lovely garden
He does everything by himself
From cleaning to repairs
To mixing drinks and mending clothes
So why is there still no woman in the picture?
He knows how to shop
Can tell the difference between Chantilly Lace and Galloon Lace
Has a weakness for expensive perfumes and imported truffles
But why has not bought a ring yet?
All the girls swoon over him
Ma laughs at his corny humour
The men appreciate him too
He talks to everyone
Loves reading
Travels a new place every month
So why does he shy away from me?
Devour me with his eyes?
Play with me in his dreams?
But takes a step bad as I take a step forward?

Looks like this is the end.

Goodbye to our late night phone calls, because I will never hear your voice again
Goodbye to the long walks in the park, because I will never feel the warmth of your hands
Goodbye to the way you always held me close during a storm, because I will never be in the same room as you
Goodbye to the morning coffee, midday mojito and midnight snacks because there is no one waiting for me at home
Goodbye to all the valentines, teddy bears and gummy flowers, because there will never be someone as thoughtful as you
Goodbye to our silly nicknames, half anniversaries and crazy road trips, because my memory has been severely affected now
Goodbye to all the hugs, kisses, tickling and corny jokes, because it hurts too much to remember
Goodbye to our future plans, and dreams, because everything stopped on August the 19th
Goodbye to all the love, lust and passion, because I will never feel again
Goodbye to the years of laughter, tears, and mayhem because that’s all in the past now

Goodbye to us…

I have not seen him in years
not in my dreams
not in my nightmares
or out in the open
I almost forgot what he looked like
How he made me feel
His words sickly sweet and sticky
His touch warm and then freezing cold
His smile,
A little crooked but it did things to me
Unexplainable, irrational things, which I had no excuses for
no remorse whatsoever
All it took was his quirky laugh
a pat on the arm or a kind word or two
I would loose myself in the madness all over again
Become part of a world where there were no pesky adults
nosey old ladies
annoying children
or yapping dogs
It was just the both of us, dressed in our finest
the rest did not matter
or maybe I was too blind to pay heed to it
We were almost never up to any good
tricks, mockery, manipulation, breaking hearts robbery and deception
we took part in all of that and so much more
I lived for the thrill
the rush that came with going out with a man that was off-limits
one that the world thought was not good enough for me
a danger to himself and bad to the bone
His kisses lit a fire from deep inside
His embrace was gentle and full of strength at the same time
His word was the law

I am unsure of how and when we got this close
He did not matter very much
His absence did not make me feel anything anymore
but with you
I began to smile again
I talked more then I listened
I waited in anticipation for your calls
those random texts
that birthday package was a nice touch too
You made me realize that I had been searching for over the years
a simple connection with depth and soul
with you I was able to think out loud
and talk freely without being judged or compared to the rest of the girls
The time difference may not have been to my liking but our emotions have were certainly real
You missed me and I worried over you
You had a bad day  and I consoled you
Nightmares would keep me up at night but you were able to make sense of them
But then one day
the calls had become more spaced out
the texts less frequent
and there was nothing to look forward to in the mail
We would start a conversation but there was never any time to finish it
the days were filled with work
but the nights went back to being lonely and filled with longing
I never got to meet you and do all the things we were suppose to
I wont forget you
But I am ok with that

Why has he brought me here
Can a night away from petty problems, bills and harsh words, really fix this dead relationship
The dress is lovely and that ring looks expensive
but I prefer to stay home and tend to my wounds
Massive migraine
Puffy lips
Bruised eyes
Will it be the The Pearl Or The mark this time?
Ground floor or the 5th?
Satin or silk?
Chocolates or champagne?
Will he carry me to bed and tell me that he's sorry?
Hold me tight?
Make the same promises again?
To not yell at me
Use me
Hurt me
Neglect me
Leave me

I’m sorry we fight so much
Late at night
Sleep deprived
Hungover on old memories and faces
Wishing that it was 1972
Mary’s dead and gone
Peter's in rehab
And the baby eloped
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
I don’t blame you anymore
I know you tried
working overtime brought in the goods
but we were loosing the kids
Weekly trips to the hair salon and Dairy Queen
made them smile a lot
but it was all out of fear
We should have listened when it was time to be quiet
Give out hugs on the daily instead of beatings
Hold them close instead of locking them indoors

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry

The Stranger

He came in my life at my darkest hour

When
the man who promised to stand by me
who made feeble promises to hold me in the dark
and protect me from the dangers of the world
left, without a word or clue
I do not know why to this day
It was very windy that day and I did not have much on
I was wearing his favorite dress
dusty rose and pair of white slippers
but he never showed
My dress gathered dirt
my make up smudged
and my head hurt

Was it something I said?
Something I did?

I am not sure how long I sat there in grass
legs sprawled but unable to move
unable to feel

He came around introduced himself and sat down
I cant remember what his name was
but he was dressed in black
and had a long jagged scar on his left check
It looked odd but he did not scare me
he talked about everything and at same time nothing at all
reached for my hand and held on to it
said that i looked lost and could use a friend

I smiled and said nothing
It was just the two of us in the middle of all the uncertainty
I did not know what tomorrow was going to bring
and he was not in a rush to go anywhere

He was not so great with words but he understood my pain
that was 2 years ago
I am sitting here in the same place once more
hoping that he has not forgotten about me

Is this really happening?
pinch me?
Ouch
**** that did not help
He is just smiling into the distance
He goes to work whistling
He does his chores half-heartedly
He is finally paying attention to his physique
after 10 years
Slim fit only
His hair is in a new style
mmm what is that I smell
Allure from Chanel?
No more hanging with the boys
playing poker
sitting in front of the TV binging on horror shows
Works Overtime
I think i just saw him buy a new cellphone
Missed calls
Weekend Trips
Candy hearts and vanilla almonds
Blue Swarovski box
Is this all for me?

I am still not over you
but I can clearly see that you have moved on
that's fine by me
But now that I've gotten a closer look at her
I can still tell your not over me
I know you still think of me
I know you still want me there
You ask her to curl her hair?
You make her trade her sneakers for stilettos?
You put her on diet of wheatgrass, almonds, and carrot juice?
You lovingly put on skin brightening cream on her?
You push her to dees to get her eye brows and nails done?
You teach her how to curtsy?
speak in 7 languages?
hold down her liquor like a lady?
Mingle with people old enough to be her daddy?
Well
She hates you
hates your guts
hates how you mention my name when your ready to come
how you wish she was me
to ****** you
ravish you
drown you in love

It has just been a year and some days
But I think I’m falling out of love with you
Maybe it was when you called me out and said that my clothes don’t fit right
Maybe it was when you said my hair is too short, and it makes me look like a boy
Maybe it was when you said I had no ambitions in life
Gave it no thought and just laughed it off
Even after you  knew about my past
Bits and pieces, but certainly enough for a stranger
Maybe it was when you started to compare me with other woman
“look how thin she is”
“ look how well she manages her husband”
“look at the way she runs her household”
No woman likes being compared my dear
So I am no exception
But I must say I am glad it has happened
You expect too much from your forever person and they well hurt you
They well let you down
You sit in silence and expect him to understand you
It never works
You argue, loose patience and try to make him understand you
But he does not
He tells you what he thinks is right and calls it a night
Well  this will be the last time you hurt me
Misunderstand me
Make me cry
I feel pounds lighter
My expectations are slowly dying one by one
Maybe it is for the best
Distance has done nothing for this heart
I cannot even say I am sorry for the ways things have ended on my part

Did it hurt when you fell—
Fell out of love with him
Did you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness?
Hold a pity party?
Did it happen while you two were out in public?
Or in the comfort of your home?
Where there people around?
Or was it just you two stuck with each other?
In the dark, under the covers
Did he stare at you for just a moment longer then usual before speaking?
Do you feel anything now when as you sit there with his head in your lap and tousle his wavy brown hair like old times
For the sake of feeling something
Does he still make you smile?
No a sad one does not count
Does he still take your breath away?
Not when his hands are clawing at your throat but just like the first time you two met
I still remember
Does he still ask for hugs?
Good ol bear hugs and  not the sticky ones
Does he still listen to you?
When your hurting and not when he has 5 minutes to spare
Does he still take you out?
No not after a nasty row
Yes these walls are very thin
Does he get angry at you?
For the sky being blue?
For being fired?
Burning the croutons?
Run and don’t look back!

I Met you
Life seemed perfect
The air smelled sweet
The trees looked greener then usual
I was starting to like the sounds of children laughing and playing
I looked forward to rainy days and take out
I looked forwards to the days that were to come
A future that sounded to good to be true
It was all coming together
Until one night
There was a lot of screaming involved
Crying
Cursing
Stomping
Breaking
Bleeding
You wiped away my smile instead of my tears
You broke my wrist
You ruined my sleep
You tarnished my dreams
Took everything away from me
Ripped away
The Happy
The Bubbly
The Optimistic
The Charismatic
The Funny
The Ambitious
Bits of me
Left me alone with the
Panic
Anger
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment
Failure

I think I met you on a Sunday
I think it was at the mall where I work
I think you smiled at me
I think I was adjusting a mannequin when you walked in
I think you asked about a pink scarf
I think it was for your sisters birthday
I think you invited me
I think I asked you to meet me at 6pm

Everything else after that was a blur
That was three years ago

I don’t remember when we last smiled at each other and meant it
I don’t remember when we last held each other for dear life
I don’t remember when we last sat down to eat dinner together
Woke up to bagels and rose for sunday brunch on the roof

That was eons ago

I cant forget the sadness you wear every day
I cant forget the anger that is buried deep in your eyes
I cant forget the pain that creeps into your dreams and keeps me awake at nights
I cant forget all your broken promises
I cant forget about all the yesterdays we’ve wasted together

Its time to move on

From you
From her
From my old self

Untitled
There are 24 hours in a day but I always have 25 things to do
I am unsure of what to begin with, what to discard and what to leave for tomorrow
The cooking, cleaning, sweeping, moping, serving, redoing, undoing, and bickering is done on a daily basis
Attending class, completing projects and assignments, note-taking, pent up frustration and procrastinating goes happens every other day
My sleeping cycles are irregular
My appetite is hit or miss
My acne is on point
A bad hair day is the norm
Blood shot eyes, short temper and newly found pessimistic behavior is all I ever wear now
Confidence levels are sinking
Anxiety levels are rising
How do I fix this?
A new haircut and coffee I.V?
Get my nails done and have on that make it till you fake it attitude?

We tied the knot in April
We have been trying for close to a year
He wants a baby
I am just doing my part
This was definitely not planned
Not for another year or so
I haven’t even graduated from college
He hung up his cap and gown a long time ago
I still have a trouble juggling being a Mrs and going to school
Cooking & Reading
Cleaning and Essay Writing
Laundry and Tests
Its terrifying at times and down-right draining
He will be overjoyed by the news
So overcome with emotion that he will not know what to do with himself
I am filled dread, sadness, pity and anger
Dread for the next 9 long months
Sadness over the future that will never be mine
Pity for giving into societal pressure to get married
Angry that everyone else is happy but me
I am tired from all that pacing
of my feet
of my thoughts
My head hurts from all the tears
I cannot find a solution to this
I cannot imagine a world with a miniature version of myself
I cannot go through with this

I think I am need of a vacation
Maybe for a week
It would be 3 if it were up to me
I want to spend my time in the sun
There should be no rain or snow in sight
I want there to be lots of smooth white sand my feet can dive into
People should be sparse
I want to be surrounded by water
A celestial blue I can see myself in
I want to shed out of my heavy clothing and wear breezy colourful ones instead
Kick of my runners and slip into soft leather
I want there to be trees and local produce
I want to wake up to fresh fruit, seafood and fresh flowers
A bonus if they are edible
Ditch this phone for soft clay or intricate looking beads
Be free of heavy luggage and carry around a satchel with beaded straps
I want to be away from the computers, the fax machines and memos
Spend all that time roaming and sketching what I see along the way
I want to mediate next to the sea or sitting down in a hammock
I want to get rid of restaurant quality food and catch my own supper or make breakfast during sunrise
I want to get rid of my assignments and take part in bonfires, singing, and dancing
Go home to a house made from wood which holds only the necessities like a bed, table, chest of drawers, and a shower
I want to stay up at night stare into the sky and jot down poetry
I want to meet a man who will bring me gifts tucked inside a shell
One who will never leave my mind
Our eyes will flirt
Our hands will talk
And our bodies will clash

Have you heard of them?
Or seen one with your own eyes
I may have found one
During a stroll
He was talking to some one over the phone
When he caught my eye
He stood tall at 5’11
Slim almost lanky
Well dressed
With shiny clear skin
Green eyes, that reminded me of starfruit
Blue-ish black eyes
Pleasant features
He loves to talk
Never has an unkind word to say about anyone
He does not drink
He does not smoke
He does not look at other woman
He does not curse
He does not raise his voice until he is severely provoked
He never shouts
He is very agreeable at times
And then there are night where his stubbornness does not let him sleep
He is very organized
He is very punctual
He cooks like an angel
The children always run to him
He is not afraid to lend a hand
Does not say no to house work
He is friendly so everyone in the neighbourhood love him
He is quiet but never moody
He is thoughtful but needs a lesson or two in romance
He is obedient but needs help with passion
He is practical but unable to be optimistic
He respects all the elder
Calls his mother daily
Loves his grandma
Has sense of humour but it comes at the worst moments

The world agrees that he a good man
One-of-a-kind
Mom says he is perfect
Dad is beaming with pride
But my heart
It feels nothing

How are you feeling today he asks
Tired I answer back without moving a muscle

Tired of being stuck in one place
Tired of going to school and unsure of what comes next
Tired of staying married to a man who is always busy
With what?
Not sure
But always busy
Tired of carrying forth a dead relationship
Tired of cleaning a house that will get messy the next day
Tired of his mom, she will be leaving soon but I just want to be alone
Tired of wondering what my future holds is it bright or endlessly dark
Tired of attempting to smile when all I want is to stay in bed
Tired of drinking coffee, cup after cup to mask the obvious signs of fatigue in my face and body
Tired of rubbing my eyes and just hanging on

Uh that’s nice he responds staring down at his phone with his mind millions of miles away from here
From me