What’s the worst kinda pain after heartache he asked
“ A toothache”

I bet some famous woman looking to get her face on something else in the market endorsed this product
She probably doesn't even need to loose any weight
Or spend her lunch hours stabbing into wilted greens and watery sauces
I hope this was worth the money
Birthday presents are suppose to be thoughtful
I know he was thinking of something when he bought me these
But i will admit that i have done other things to loose the same old 10 ten pounds all the unties seem to notice when i step out
Expensive atrocious smelling smoothies are suppose to work but they just made me gag
Fewer calorie bars had caught my moms eye but by the third attempt they started to taste like chocolate and cookie dough tires
The after taste alone will want to make you brush your teeth 4 times a day
Vegan granola sounds exotic for sure but after awhile I just stopped trying
Whey protein turned into honey drizzled pancakes sounds appetizing but i couldn't get past the smell
Yes i have a sensitive nose
So the neighbour enjoyed those instead
Egg whites are great and lentil patties are delicious
Cricket flour and taro ice cream required more time getting used to
Jellies, and gummies happen to be a weakness because I can never stop at the recommended serving size
I eat enough for 3 days instead of one
Apple cider vinegar is great melting away fat but I prefer to use it to clean the house instead
Flax seeds remind me of bird food
Anyone else see what I see?
I can eat acai berries by the pound
But this week I will have to settle for weird looking lollipops that are suppose to curb the appetite
I can finally have candy for lunch!

There is still many hours left before I can go home and rest my weary head
I can feel a headache coming on
the coffee was too weak
The customers will continue to come and go
buzz around like bees till they have found what they were looking for or make a mess and leave in huff
The owner will grow to be fat, richer and eventually bald
lets hope he does something about his yellow teeth and lack of impatience towards the employees
I sometimes fail to understand how people come in to spend pound after pound on fairness creams, aloe gels and supplement pills
does it all work out in the end or we do all give in to our weaknesses?
get ****** in because of fool proof consumer buying habits
and over the top demos of the latest kitchenware or a bed that can make it self
Its amazing to see how quickly people get rich off of other peoples insecurities
Acne is a killer, though!
As I stand here by one of the **** shelves
I cant help smiling and hoping that some nice lady will come in and get this last 3 step skin care set that is known do to miracles for under eye circles, bags, and fine lines off my tired hands
or maybe that lolly *******, curly haired, monster wont come in minutes before my shift ends and run through the big display of female hygiene products
Or sometimes even wish that people did not have so many problems
feel the constant need to cover up so fast because shaming has become so normal now
we over think things
we exaggerate
become prone to impulsive buys only to later go home and dump all of the days purchases or add on to an already extensive collection of something or the other
When truthfully, many of us never get around using up all that is in our little shopping carts, and baskets
or wind up getting tired of all the steps, rules, regimes
for the perfect face
for the perfect body
for the perfect illusion

I can hear everyone in the back having a gay old time
So this wouldn't be the best time to lash out right now
but I cant help it tonight
I already lost my shoes somewhere in this wretched house
I wanna get out of this heavy dress
its scratchy and probably going to give me a rash later
strip away all the gold and pearls from my skin
Kick away the **** dress till its a heap of crumpled up material
expensive, useless and insignificant
Take off every **** bobby pin that's stuck to my scalp right now and chuck them on the floor till I am standing in the middle of a black pool of pins
Smash out all the twinkly lights till I can only hear my self breath in the dark
Sit and wait for some unknown but strong force to swallow me into the ground
take me underground to a new universe
one that I have only imagined maybe about 100 times in my dreams and absent mindedly continue to sketch in my many sketch books
I don't want to face these people anymore
their ugly grinning faces
the stupid photos
Smile and wave
but don't give the finger
Continue to pretend that I am thrilled to be hosting this **** party
to celebrate his success or something equally stupid
Being happy is too much work
Being happy for him is too much work
I would settle for indifferent tonight!

Wherever I go, and whatever I end up reading late at night always talk about a restful night of sleep
In order to
find yourself
feel better
overcome depression
be more productive
become rich
feel satisfied overall
Sleep plays a big role in this
But I am so behind
It seems like I have all the problems
Feeling lost
Depressed
Sluggish and unproductive
Poor and trapped
Pills don’t do the trick
Decorative pillows, comforters and imported sheets just take up space
White noise machines, rain and thunder as well as bubbles the cat have all failed
A new ambiance with the perfect shades, proper lighting and essential oils have already done its job
Sleeping masks and silken nightwear has been added to the list
Teddies and sleep inducing pillows just lie on the floor now
Your far away and never coming back

Where did I go wrong?

There was a time when I wished I could hate you for all the things that had happened between us
I really wanted to but wasn't sure how that would be possible
I gave you all the good things but you later cast them aside
so what was left?
Hatred, anger and resentment
Maybe this would have taken away some of the hurt
Maybe this would have forced me to think of something else other then you
But I shook my head and smiled when I felt like I was loosing
a sad kinda smile
I couldn't do it
because hatred would only taint the love I had for you
I was flawed both a person and as a lover
full of mistakes and errors
but loving you had seemed so right
The only part of me that was perhaps was not tainted at all

I Overslept!
Missed The Alarm
Out of cleanser
Forgot to hand in an assignment!
Late for an appointment
Out of milk and cheese
Favorite dress is at the Dry cleaners!
My shoe has a hole in it
I cannot find my pink binder
And I am out of passes for the bus!

Its only 10:00 Am
But I am already having a bad day
What else is suppose to wrong today?

Honestly didn't need this today
I present in the next 10 minutes about why this place needs a gym, and activities like spinning classes and more vegetarian options on the menu
No doubt they will be judging me right down to my shoes
Make up cannot fix this mess and I left my contact solution at home so I am stuck with black rimmed granny glasses
Confidence levels are seriously starting to dwindle
the box said non drowsy works in 20
but I don't know, I am starting to feel kinda funny
almost loopy
Ok 5 minutes to go
I am going to slowly count down to 100
my throat feels weird
but at least my eyes do not itch and nose isn't so red
Crap
somebody's already done
he's coming out and looks ghastly
all sweaty, kinda pale and hair sticking out in all directions
"Well then, you look like **** but good luck in the dragons den"
I cant believe I am suppose to see this guy later
charming my foot!

My hatred for you runs so deep my dear, that someone can choke on it

Maybe he is going to be like this
granted that he is older then me
I didn't think we would end up here
we were born in two different parts of the world
he from a middle class background
I happen to be above that
But no I am not the selfish rich brat the media and my aunts make out to be
I should point out that I am kind, down to earth, resourceful and trusting
He is smart, good looking, well spoken and generous in his ways
But very aloof and completely absent minded
not just during times of stress or commotion
But i am beginning to think that he will forever be like this
means well but jumbles up his words
needs peace and privacy but cannot say no to others
Nice but too obedient
shallow, and becoming increasingly stubborn these days
Men will always have the upper hand but he just happens to also be the oldest
I was born to an librarian with a lot of ancestral land
my daddy went up the ladder thanks to handwork and the right contacts
I cant say i hate him because i don't
I cant day he is a bad man because he really isn't
But there is a lot missing
talking to him has become painfully boring
we say only what needs to be said
Our routines are different
so different, that sometimes we don't see each other for months
which suits me just fine because I don't think that either one of us misses the other

You look tired and completely out of it, old friend
Your body is here but your mind elsewhere
I cannot tell what you are thinking right this minute
But I understand you were here on an assignment
To help a young but brave woman battle an untimely illness
To figure out what snatched her husband and only son on a cold night in 88
You remember him right?
you two were practically best buds in high school till you got early acceptance into the academy
Vowing to serve mankind and always make sure that justice was meted well among the poor and the restless
This could have not been easy for you
but maybe this part of the world proved to be too much for your eyes
The modern landscapes and technology
The bold lifestyle choices that are now available to the young peoples
The off putting language and mindset
You are still no good with words but I know you were mortified on seeing woman prance around with their little doggies in million dollar purses
Men showing of their briefs and pierced earlobes in the streets
Babies clinging more to their phones then pacifiers
I also know that you fell hard for a wine maker's daughter
Trinity
I don't think she was at the academy
Fine wine wont be enough to forget her assets
Go on talk to her while I wait

Everyone says being angry is pointless yet this is the easiest emotion to feel
Forgives is key
Repentance is good for the soul
Nothing good comes from making a hasty decision
Shooting the messenger
Using colourful language
flipping the finger and watching as everything hits the floor and the wall
Do not stew but vent
Its not good for the heart
even my doctor agrees
What does it matter anyway when my heart has shrunk 3 sizes
because of the same people who tell me to smile more often and not frown
Its not becoming on a woman
Count my blessing because for once I am not tarnishing anybody else's reputation with my life choices
the towns people have only recently stopped talking about me and my many mishaps from 2010 and onwards
Just to deal with the ugly cards life has dealt me because it is much easier and less costly then starting all over being happy on my own terms while everyone is busy leading their own lives
My unhappiness counts for nothing
my endless tears and frustration is never seen
my anger is never felt
The elders and the rest of the ******* seem to know what is best for me
Even though they will never get to be me
Face my fears
have my set of strengths and weaknesses
everyone feels the need to repeat themselves and point their fingers at me
one grave mistake is all it takes be invisible in this pathetic town
to be ignored
to be criticized forever
to be held accountable
To be told that you will amount to nothing so shut up and do what the pristine worldly people tell you to do
How much longer before this kills me
On the inside
I bet that they will all be there for my funeral many years away from now
sporting mourning clothes as well as the right face
feeling loss and pity for my family and everybody else
but no one will never admit that they had a hefty contribution in the steady decline of my mental health
They should have minded their own business instead of meddling with mine

She has that look in her eyes again
Its not a happy look
Its not like anything I have ever seen to be honest
She looks like she has given up on life
She looks at everything but no one has ever heard her speak
She is thin practically boney
Her hair is way too long
Her clothes short and shabby
Her fingers always shake
Almost never eats
I don’t know how long she was has been here for
I want to know more about her
I can tell she used to be really pretty
I know everyone else talks about her
In whispers
With stares and laughs
But I am too afraid to say hi
She just looks like she needs a friend
This place can get really lonely
And loneliness is a killer

I know I talk a lot
My job is to motivate
its to lift people up when they fall but want to stay down
But today I wont be talking
I hope you find this in time
….
It was all you
You were nice like a walk in the park or a picnic for two
You had no real bad habits like smoking, drinking, gambling, lying, cheating
Not that I would care much about that they complicate things
I have learnt to walk away from all that
I cannot tell you what to do with your life because you claim to be more experienced but still don't want to listen
You hated being told to grow up and change your ways for your own good mostly not mine
I know you will listen and remember my words only after I am gone
Why does it always have to be that way?
Why do we wake up only after everything falls to pieces
You can blame money, pedigree, degree, upbringing, past hurts, tradition, gender and everything else in the world for why you act the way you do
But it does not help me.
I do not always speak up but I can see past the *******
It wont change my mind either
Your toxic
You either change or I can do all the growing up

Look out the window and tell me what you see
The world Is not that great of a place to be in right now
People blindly trust the disbeliever and bash the one who always had his heart in the right place and thought of everyone else but himself
Education is still very important but kind of overrated
the things that should be taught in school are so much bigger then just a bunch of text books and handbooks that can be printed and bought from a store
Exams set you up for so much more then failure
People care but only about themselves
Fake friends have become more common that fake nails
It is cheaper to live off and mimic peoples ideas and innovations then to think own your own
people are too lazy to do that as well
Apple everything and robots do it for us now
It is easier to break things and watch them turn to dust then to rebuild and prosper
Words are have lost their meanings too
Reading is a luxury but emojis and abbreviations are a must
People will think I am crazy for writing this but it doesn't take an person with a Phd or plain old street smarts to figure out that we are all doomed
The world is truly going to ****

Don't forget to read the fine print the cheery looking barista warned me
I shrugged my shoulders and hurried away with my order
What fine print I wondered
You are not a criminal or a patient from an asylum
Rough around the edges
rowdy for sure given that your a cop
one of the finest according to my mom
But what could you have that is worth talking a second look
You read people for a living
You get rid of ****
Make the streets safer then the day before
You are the reason that children can come home to their moms
daughters do not go missing so often
boys stay at school instead of hanging around in abandoned malls, houses and parks
Her words continue to echo in my head tonight
I am trying to slice up peach cobbler and not my fingers
You are in the dining room charming away my parents with promises of always wanting to protect me
look out for me
and help me with my problems
But what about your own
Did you get divorced before
have anger problems that I should know about
An illicit affair with southern bombshell
Dope
too many DUIs to your name
A restriction order from 2009
Still pay child support

Ugh how do you even bring this up to a cop

For Love mother asked gently
For Fame little sister wanted to know
For Friendship dad guessed
For Money my husband scoffed
For Power friends concluded
For Revenge My bitter half gleefully asked
For the Touch of another an ex boyfriend whispered
For A Fix a con artist demanded
For An Escape my best friend inquired
For A Permeant Solution my head wondered
For One Last Yesterday the child in me screamed

No, no no, Just a huge slice of Ferrero Roche Cake made from chocolate mousse and hazelnut my stomach answered

The one who disturbs me in more ways I would like to admit to the world
To my own psychologist even
The one who disturbs my sleep
Real sleep, the kind with no dreams, or nightmares night after night
The one responsible for unexplained aches, full time confusion and a type of pain
I think it is in my head somewhere and refuses to subside
Pills, creams, therapy, potions, elixirs nothing has worked
I do not know how to keep quiet
I do not know how much longer I can continue to carry the weight of this mask
Scrape off the unhappiness and longing and replace it with a fresh smile every single day
Flutter these mascara filled lashes and look at what the world wants to me too see
But I don't really see it
You know what I mean?
It is just one act after another
You ****** away at my happiness
Every day without fail
When something good finally happens I end up feeling guilty
Like it should not be happening to me
You bask in my sadness and grief
You laugh at my frustration
You draw strength from my anger and bitterness
You tsk away at my sensitivity
You roll your eyes at my empathy

But you still refuse to go away

Do not call again
I do not want to hear you voice
The same one you used to tell me that I was perfect
Perfect for you
The voice that yelled out « I hate you »
The voice that thretened and said « I do not want to see you again »
The voice that smirked, then smiled and said « I do not ever want to see you again »
The pity iin your voice is all fake
The remorse in your voice is a little to late
The hope in your voice has been practiced and perfect
The relief iin your voice is coming
There was never an « us »
Only « My this » and « My that »
Only « because I am a man »
Only « because i said so »
This only happened and got dragged out because it had always been one sided
I was only part of a nasty drunken truth or dare game
So lets get this over with a coin toss
Heads or Tails it’s still your loss

The cure for a break up might be
Spending time with your buddies and working on retail therapy
Working on your body and eating right
Drinking it up and meeting new people
I am not saying that its wrong or that it doesn’t work
It does and that it doesn't because no two people break down, walk away or give up on a person in the same fashion
We all had our reasons

You will still face doubts about yourself and your abilities
You will still have trouble saying no to an opportunity, friends and families
Then feeling guilty right after you have said it because all you want right now is to spend time with your self your thoughts and do all it takes to feel stable again
It will get lonely
You will feel sad and depressed on some days
There will be triggers and flashbacks
You will torture yourself with the What if game
Don't sweat it, some questions do not have an answer
There is nothing below right after you have scratched away the ****** surface
You will get upset multiple times in day
Go into denial
Wish that all that love you gave away, comes back to you
All that wasted time, energy and emotion that you did not think you had in yourself
I know it weights heavily on the heart and the mind

The trick to being normal again
To finding yourself again
Is to fall in love with more then one thing, not at the same time but gradually
Really fall in love with it
Bring out passion, optimism hope and hard work
The same things that are poured into a relationship
They could not have been all that bad if they taught you something(s)
About yourself or your body
What you deserve and what you do not need
Where your strengths lie
How to strengthen those weaknesses
You were able to rise above it all
Ultimately all on your own
So always keep your chin up
Otherwise that smile is going to be crooked

Whats the matter
Why do you look so sad?
Isn't this is what you've always wanted
isn't this what you've always talked about
Suit and Tie
Shaking hands with the big people
Smiling and the charming the people who you don't really care about
9:00 meeting
Perky PA's
handsome salary and little to no over time
so you could go home to her just in time
to celebrate anniversaries and have fun on Friday nights
Winding down after a long and stressful day
long drives and roses in the backstreet
Swimming in the moonlight
You've got it all now

So why the long face
How does it feel to be at the top
Does it ever get lonely?
I bet your busy with this and that
But when the night comes to a close
she is lying right next to you
Do you ever think of me

How does it feel to have everything in your palms now
but know that you will never be close enough to hold me
Kiss the nape of my neck
and tell me that you love me

I have way too many moods to list
today, however I can tell you exactly how I feel
The sun is out but my thoughts are cloudy
The sky is clear but I want to cry
The flowers are in a bloom but all I want to do is hide
the view from my window, looks perfect
A mirror of happiness and glee but all I want to do is break it and watch as all the pieces shatter and fall to my feet
Everything is so neat and tidy, I wanna change that
The plates and silver are out for display
I want to smash all the plates and watch as the all the forks and knives fly into the celling and stay there
That ugly ancestral flower vase is my face again
I think it should have been buried with my dead grandmother
The mean one ofcourse
But I will do no such thing because the peoples are coming!

Now I don't believe in genies
I don't blow on candles
Look for dandelions
Or throw pennies into wishing wells
But I do wish for some things
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was skinner
I wish I was clever
I wish I was good with numbers and statistics
I wish I was musically gifted
I wish I was genius with food
I wish I more organized and resourceful
I wish I didn’t love so much
I wish I didn’t care so much
I wish I didn’t feel so much
I wish I didn’t have to hurt so much
I Just wish I had been enough for him

Details are so important
But we are usually too much in a rush to even care
We only want to look at the big picture
Profit or Loss
Good or Bad
Nice or Mean
Lust or Commitment
It all comes down to two choices
To succeed or to fail
to work things out or abandon it
But no one cares about the details
her favorite flower
His choice of coffee brew
The significance of lemon scented aftershave
what july 25 may mean to someone
sapphire birthstones
white roses
purple balloons
Hershey kisses
The details are endless but usually mean something
Why do we only pay attention to then when the end is near
when words become scarce
Why do we take such comfort in the meaning of things
when the story is over
when a loved one has already departed

So you have been diagnosed as the sad young/old man or woman who has not been acting like his or herself for quite some time now
Your parents are worried
The teachers and collogues know
and peoples.. well they talk
everyone has the same thing to say
you are not acting like yourself
You keep to yourself instead of reaching out
You frown more then you smile
Your daily activities seem never ending and take up way too much time
You cant focus in class or work and find yourself staring into space more then usual
Getting outta bed and out that door is a real struggle
Hobbies do not give you happiness, peace or a sense of purpose anymore it all just sits there
You've stopped picking up the phone and answer texts only when necessary
Alone time seems more appealing then family time, bonding or date night
You've traded your expensive branded clothing and shoes for socks and sweats

All this is perfectly normal, it has happened to every one on earth
sometimes just once and never again
Sometimes every year because of life, loss, death, rejection, criticism, and no direction
for some this is it every single day for reasons they cannot understand or fully grasp
This is the new normal for many so don't beat yourself up wondering what it means to act like a normal 13 yr old, married woman, widower, divorcee, etc
don't listen and try to follow every single podcast, blog, channel and person coming your way telling you what to do with yourself and how you should live life
They all want what is best for you but we cant please everyone at the end of the day
Change takes time
healing is process that cannot be rushed
but trust that every thing will work itself out
You will smile again
even if it is a small one
both on the inside and the outside

Maybe he is just running late
Its way past 12
The candles still burn bright
The food is not yet cold
The wine is crisp
I am here alone dressed to ****
But a party one is no fun

He promised He wouldn’t be late tonight
Its so quiet in here that I can hear myself think
My thoughts are really uncomfortable too
He knew this was important

I had some things to tell him
Now before its too late and I really change my mind
I probably wont I can’t deceive him
Not again

Time is running out
I am living on borrowed time
I am ready to leave
I have made my peace
Did practically everything on my bucket list
Kissed my relatives and wrote my parents letters
Graduated, worked to make a difference
Loved and Lost
But Now I have to leave

I hope he comes home soon
I want to see him, talk to him one last time
Before these eyes close

I cannot sympathize with you
I used to respect you
you've torn that into shreds over the years
I still care
I do what I can even if it doesn't feel like much on some days
I am doing what I can to be normal when all I feel is dysfunctional
What do you feel
I cannot say
I cannot read you like my favorite song anymore
You stare at me but what do you see
You've become mute to the language of tears
My anger and frustration
It bubbles up, it simmers down and you think that's all there is to me
You have become indifferent to my pain
It stays tucked away in my chest and refuses to leave my eyes
You shrug
you stare at the sky
you sigh
"If you cant accept me for me then leave"
Instead of working this out you've put up your hands up in the air
It is easy to pack up and leave
its convenient for you
But I wonder if you have felt anything towards me before this day
Was it all for show?
Was anything genuine between us?
I will never know

He is not dead
Don't kid yourself
No one dies over a person or a relationship
But the newspapers says that he has made a name for himself
His contribution to mankind can be found in every household
It can be used to cause damage or in times of celebration
Hes made millions
Lives in one of best pieces estate available around here
Drives the very best his money can by
Eat breakfast by the river
lunches on top of mountains
and dines up in the sky
Hes met a lovey young woman too
Not yet thirty but loves people, books and animals
Stands tall at 5'4 and makes his head swoon
No, he did not come to in me dream
We did not meet in a coffee shop on a balmy afternoon either
He found me out through letters, postcards and learning out my pet name
the same pet name he had for me
Time flew but it was still there
Not exactly strong like a spark,
it was a less vibrant but can still be felt miles away
through walls and glass screens
With each text and every ding of an incoming email
The anticipation, anxiety and general concern was there
the butterflies are asleep
We still talk but I don know what to think of it
I cannot say if he is genuinely happy under all the money, fame, glory and ***
He still has the same endearing face that I have always loved
not a grey hair in sight
He has changed though
he thinks before he talks
not the other way around
he writes too
such fine lines
Such prose
But I would be a fool to fall in love again
We only blanketed ourselves with the past
but we don't have the present or the future
I am happy for him
from the bottom of weary and faded soul
I will continue to tread ahead
but this..
this was nice

You know on my here I practiced all that I was going to say to you tonight

But now that I am actually here I forgot everything that I am suppose to say

I love you
but you would hear it differently this time

I am sorry
but you would think that I am lying and that I have not learnt my lessons, I have learnt them many times over

Forgive me
You wouldn't because it sounds really hollow
But If you did then how much have you actually forgotten?

Leave Me
You want to, but your still standing still

So many to ask
But I do not know where to begin
So I will start with the end
“Why did you leave”

Leaving Town

Thank you for all the time you spent with me
It was unexpected, and generous
Reminising about the past
Thinking about the future
Making peace
Finding some form of closure
Finding the strength to move on

I am not sure from what exactly
Thinking about you
The memories of us
The wasted time
The wasted energy
I am past it, I think

Flinching away from the shrapnel of dreans and goals
Talking to you was no easy talk
It took all I had to look into your eyes as you sat across me and not judge you
Understand you and forgive you
It took all I had to sit there as if it were nothing and simply talk without letting old feelings cloud my judgement
Speak my mind!
Be tougjh and firm with my words!
But I faltered…

It took all I had to not want to feel the familiar warmth of your hands brush against my cheeks like old times
We didn’t order Bumblerry pie and Ale that day
The coffee become stale and people buzzed around us
But I only had eyes for you
I looked at you so intently until I could look no more
The tears came minutes later like clockwork
I could not stop it
I do not know why
My revolve melted away
Maybe it was due to your voice
The soothing gestures
The new found kindness in your eyes
The humble behavior towards me

I know you will always be my weakness
But I didn’t deserve this
To feel broken all over again

He is tall and speaks in riddles
He is short, curious and very optimistic
He is quiet, withdrawn but very pure
He is fair, smiley and carefree
He is nice and respects everyone along the way
He is well educated quiet and always calm
He is good looking and comes from an influential family
He is fun flirty and very charming
He is smart, an intellectual and loves books
He loves school and is a champ when it comes to sports
He can cook and juggle and paint
He loves food, fine wine and has great taste in music
He loves traveling and exploring
He is handsome artistic and very frugal
He is kind, compassionate and very forgiving
He is funny, dramatic and very generous

I have seen many men come and go
None of it works out in the end
Maybe its me
Maybe my heart is just not in the right place right now
But I always do the same thing
I always look for you in everyone else

You never showed up and never bothered telling me why either
yes we are busy you more so then I but that's no reason to suddenly ghost me
It was raining and I had no umbrella
it got cold but I wore my very best
This meant something to me so I waited
For hours on end
I was not sure what would happen the moment I saw you
what we would talk about and if there would any awkward moments between us
But I still waited
Isn't it easy how quickly someone can wipe the smile of our face?
Turn hope into disappointment?
Anger into annoyance which spills onto the next day?
I am not sure if I am over-reacting here but that one's one me
I always thought you were special

The room is bare the closet empty
When you left you took everything with you
My heart as well
In exchange you left behind a tiny piece of you
Your scent
It lingers
On my clothes, sheets and skin
I cant bring myself to throw any of it away
I bring them close to my face and with my eyes closed I can still see everything you sitting crossed legged in bed or lying perfectly still every day you got upset
You smelled like oranges and vanilla, cherries and *** and something else I was never able to figure
Whatever it was its still there and the smell of you is everywhere
It has filled up every single room in this small apartment
I wish I had been careful
I always wanted more then you were ready to give
Maybe that’s why you left
With no trail behind
You were mesmerizing
Absolutely intoxicating but I know I will never able to replicate that smell
I have gone through bottles
Light, Airy, Citrusy, Sensual, Sickly Sweet, Floral
Its nice but its not you
Not even close
I sit here now clutching your favorite polo to my chest
Clutching to memories
The scent has already started to fade
Soon it will be gone
You will be gone
Forever

Nice Dress
Nice Tie
I just hope this works out
Tonight

I am so very confused right now
I don’t know if I should hold on or let go
I don’t believe in signs
I believe in second chances, but the outcome is usually the same
I get hurt
He may hurt but never shows it
I wish I knew how to do that
Why do we all want the things we cannot have
Why can’t this be enough
knowing that things have changed
We have changed
We have grown up
Time has passed
But something still feels the same
The same old sadness when you leave
The same old panic when you avoid me
The same old anger when you go on asking too many questions
Apologies aren’t enough
The words are stale
The sincerity comes off sounding phony
So whats left?

Its Friday night
No date
But I was really hoping he would call to say hello
Guess he forgot
His loss
I was really in the mood for lobster tails and crème Brulee
Good thing dads a chef

I envy those who sleep soundly
Not just every now and then
But every single night
No this doesn’t include babies, furry or otherwise
Not the elderly either
Just your basic average human just trying to get by life

The 14 year old who dreams of becoming a doctor so that he save his ailing sister from leukemia

The teacher who has to grade papers every single night while keeping an eye on a ADHD riddled son while a nasty storm brews outside

The weary mechanic who works double shifts to make ends meet and wonder if his doll-like wife will ever make it out of the oncology unit

The fashion intern who works for nothing only to escape and unsuccessfully cover up the abuse she faces at home

The minimum wage young man who flips burgers and occasionally over salts the fries who comes to work with a fake smile when his best friend hasn’t been seen since last week

The overworked doctor who continues to save lives with a steady hand and collected mind even though he just buried his son yesterday

The short frumpy lunch lady that everyone makes fun of at school who cant keep it together because her house is about to be repossessed and wonders where shell be sleeping at night

The bold smiling five year old who is quietly suffering from Alopecia and accidently pats her head in the hopes that whiteish peach fuzz will grow on top

The delinquent that is in detention almost every day of the year not because he a trouble maker but because he his trying to complete homework since it is near impossible with an alcoholic mom who is in charge of everything

The large ***** who everyone continues to harass because she was born with hirsutism and differently colored eyes

People don’t ask for trouble nor can they always escape it
The questions, raised brows and unwanted attention do not falter
Hope begins to evaporate faster then water
I think the absolute worst is when we begin to overthink and replay all of our problems right before sleep sets is when the eyes beg for closure but the mind is still at unease.

I don't know where he is taking me
He wont talk
He is just staring straight ahead at the nearly empty road and sitting there stony faced
I reached for his hand, but it feels cold and wet
I want to make conversation but now clearly isn't the time
So I stare out the window
lost in my own thoughts

Today was really tough
We are busy with the rest of the world and have no time for each other
frustrated about other peoples problems and now not acknowledging our own
Chasing money and but forgetting about his needs
He makes a sharp turn
My thoughts bounce around in my head
He clears his throat like he wants to say something, but doesn't
Will be finally propose?
Did he get that grant he really needed?
Will the painting be finished by this week?
No way to know

He speeds up
I can feel my anxiety level risings
He knows that I hate it when he drives like a maniac
Oh he's upset and its bad news
Did someone pass
Did he get married?
Is there something wrong with the renovations?
No way to know
he drives
I can finally breath for a few minutes
until we pass a bump

Its raining now
that doesn't bother him tonight
normally he complains
I think its romantic
This must be really bad
He finally stops
unbuckles his seat belt
"We need to talk"

You felt like home

We could go on forever
Till forever ends
But lets not waste anymore time
It wont change anything
My feelings are on lock down
You revive me again and again only too shoot me down
Make this last shot count
Aim for the heart

Man Hunt

The Moon is out
The air feels just right
almost romantic
She will out on a hunt tonight
The woman in white
with windy dark tresses down her back
Wearing a pale colored saree molded especially for her frame
It sparkles in the light
The anklets dance on her two feet and the thin belly chain shimmers with her mesmerizing gait
She sighs and continues down the road
Not a soul in sight
Walking with only with the help of a kerosene lamp
Which further illuminated her features
the light continued to splash on her face
revealing iridescent eyes
maroon lips
and the smallest beauty mark above the upper lip
She is on the hunt for a man
One who will keep her company and fill her appetite
There is no type but it has to be a man
in the 24-30 range
they taste the best and make her feel extra feisty in the mornings
There is something in the distance
a big burly type thing
holding something
He makes his way closer to her
She looks tantalizing he thinks and smiles to him self
the woman in white quickens her pace and makes her way to him
He doesn't ask for details as their eyes meet and stay locked on each other
How much further do we have to go
why not just start here
she laughs in the dark
no baby just a little further
She continues walking to her small cottage
in the middle of nowhere
where there is no security and no distractions
He smiles at her so gullibly  
and follows her unaware of his fate
This is going to be so much fun
she thinks to her self

The room is still
The lights are on
the tv is blaring away
2 peoples are arguing about something
just like us
but all I can think about is you
the big grandfather clock right next to me is ticking away in disapproval
Every tick raises the beats to my heart
The coffee is getting cold
a weak attempt in staying awake
but I know I wont be closing my eyes any time soon tonight
I feel so anxious
this blanket feels suffocating instead of soothing
the pillow hurts my back
My hands are trembling and my eyes weep
I expect the phone to ring any moment now
Please let me know that your ok
that you have forgotten what happened between us just an hour ago
Please come back

Holding On

I had no big expectations from you
But I held on yo your hands with hope and optimism
No I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
Or what will happen to us many years later
But lets take it one day at a time
Pain is not permanent so this too will pass
I will be there when your not having a bad day
When your mind is clouded with memories
When your eyes reflect pain and grief
When you are wearing a brittle smile
Only for my sake
I know It hurts

I will also be there when you’re a having a good day
To love you in the best way I know possible
To support you when you cannot stand on your own or do not feel like going forward
To hold you when you feel alone and need reassurance
To protect you from superficial relations and second hand notions
To tease you just because I can

I am only human so I cannot make the promise to never hurt you
Please know that it was not intentional
This is hard for me too but you will never know it
I promise to work on myself and never give up on you

I thought we were perfect for each other
I was book smart and you street-smart
I needed lists and maps but you always played it by ear
I followed rules while you loved breaking them
You did the talking and I  loved to listen
You were the head and I the neck
You led and I followed
Anger turned to water
Misunderstandings into screaming matches
Nobody cared that it was night time
Or that there was somebody pale and sick in the house
We slept but we were usually ******* at each other
I would hide my thoughts and feelings the next day but you always figured things out
Nothing could ever get past you
You had an eye for detail and so we were always stuck to each other
You hated books but could read my face instantly
Spoke in tongues but knew the language of my body perfectly
Hated saying sorry but never thought twice about apologizing with the lips
Mean words ended in laughter
Every day was bitter sweet
Every night was ecstasy

Not over You

I am going to be completely honest with my self right now
I never got over you
The timing was terrible
We were clearly young and dumb
I didn’t want to let you go, ever  
I had to go because I no longer had a place
My mind was scrambled and I didn’t know who or what to believe
But I loved you with all that I had even if it was not enough

Our first meeting, I will always be happy it took place
It taught a lot about myself
What I deserve
What I don’t need in my life
It showed me that I was capable of loving someone in many different ways
It brought me out of my shell
It showed me what true love is all about
It gave me patience
It boosted my confidence
It taught me plenty about sacrifice and compromise
It taught me how to go with the flow of things and that some events don’t go as planned
The unplanned outings and moments are worth cherishing
It taught me how to care for another
How to nurture their spirit
How to stand by him/her
Hold hands and share secrets and walk the same path
It helped me grow up and ask for exactly what I deserve and nothing less

I am sorry for how things ended
I am sorry for all the damage that we both suffered because of our own mistakes, mistrust and change in heart
I am sorry for breaking you when I loved you the most and vowed to never leave your side
I will not forget and I do not know how much to forgive
But forgive yourself
Forgive me,

Yes, I am better person because of you but I am still not over you

I can now truly say that time does not heal all wounds
Time does not diminish the same old feelings we have for a loved one
maybe perhaps because they were familiar territory to us and not foreign
feelings of love
feelings of euphoria
feelings of freindship
feelings of loss
feelings of regret
feelings of emptiness
feelings of madness
It all comes up weather we like it or not
maybe even intensified because of time and distance and youth
No need to look at old stories through rose tinted glasses
or count all the red flags
some times old feelings stay
a gentle push conjures up old memories
The love was never lost or given away
But I wonder why hearts break so easily
is it easier to reveal or should it always be concealed?
even after doing all that is necessary to to be whole again

Why do hearts break so easily
over yesterdays memories
a hopeful tomorrow
and a face from the past

She looks at herself in the mirror
5'4 and 130 lbs
not bad according to her friends
Perfect in the eyes of her family
so-so yell out the public
but she refuses to believe any of it
the prized curls and timed blue eyes do nothing to change the opinion she has of her self
Mom says God makes no mistakes
Hmm
Her closet is full of things from 2010-2015
The best years of her life
She was wafer thin and dainty
everyone said so
Now her frame just disgusted her
she pulled at her sides
turned around
and stared at her legs
This wont do
she decides all at once
she quickly dresses up in grey and charcoal and heads downstairs for another job around the block
its her second one today
the kitchen smells like Shepard's pie and salad drowning in ranch
she does't flinch at the sight of food
Holds her nose and makes it our of the house
its not that she does not like eating
she just doesn't want to think about
a waste of time, actually
some may stare at her because of this
while others think its unhealthy and borderline crazy
but she finds it addicting

Is this goodbye or another break
I cant say
You didn’t give me the chance to speak my mind
You moved your lips for some time and then it was all over
All I remember is seeing you pick up your bags and leave
There was the initial shock
Then tears
And finally numbness
I thought it was the end
The end of everything
This had to be it
There would be no more sleepless nights
Loss of appetite
A permanent smirk where my smile should be
Endless tears when I should really be wiping them away and thinking of a potential bright future
Its not so much a future anymore
Just days and more days
Which stretch out to months then years
I keep on hoping for something big
Something magical which would sweep me off my feet and blow away my problems
Something that will give me hope and remind me that there is life after heartbreak and pain
A kind of life that is worth living
Not something that you read in the newspaper or hear about on the news
One bad decision leading to 10 more and another 10 leading to death
No I want a life filled with thoughts memories and stories that I may tell to the upcoming generations of people
A life surrounded with people I actually want to be with and not pretend to like them because that’s the right thing to do
A life where every day is more of an adventure and not so much just an agenda
I know I have plenty to live for and so much to explore and later understand
But there is no one there
My hands are still cold
Your side of the bed empty
Everything is a show
And my soul feels incomplete

Soon to be Parents

Just got the news
Congrats to you and her
But that’s all

I cant put my feelings into words
I shrugged my shoulders and thought that it didn’t matter
Good for them
More responsibility
Sleepless nights
No control of the body or bladder
Cravings
Last minutes texts
A 30 year commitment
He will probably be able to handle it now
They look happy together
Everywhere
Cheesy poses
Hats and drinks all around
She looks healthy and is glowing
Definitely not a barbie doll thin anymore
None of this should matter to me

But I cant not put my feelings into words
Anger, Annoyance Maybe even relief