Not to long ago an wise lady let me know
that we are always one decision away from living a different life
we were laughing over something that day
I was responsible for styling her hair
she said it was her 32nd anniversary
she wanted to wear a crimson suit and black sensible shoes
I carried on cutting
styling
and curling
while she rummaged through a dusty pink velvet bag
her make-up bag no doubt
what does he do?
she snorted
nothing, I left him when i was 25
This is to being in dependant for the last 32 years
iI am celebrating self growth
I am celebrating inner peace
I am celebrating happiness
oh and my son will be here soon
Brian, I think he is just about your age

The phone is dead
the roses have wilted
the chocolate have not been touched
this was all a very nice trick
I feel empty
just like this lavish hotel suite
I feel cold
under this thin warped Bob Mackie mini dress
I am conflicted
i still haven't opened the green velvet box
maybe that will explain things
oh its just a gold Cartier necklace
you should have choked me with it while you still had a chance
it would have stopped me from feeling
from missing you

In the mirror
I don’t recognize her
She had waist length hair
She used to be proud of it
Until it began to fall out
Five strands
Twelve strands
Later in clumps
One day while she was eating at table
Plopped right into her dinner
Instead of throwing it away
She uses it as stuffing
Hair for her dolls
She has eyes
Brown with yellow flecks
But she doesn’t know that anymore
She dreams in black now
A lovely singing voice
The church folks love it
Mother adores it
I always thought she was going to make it big
Bigger then the rest of us
That’s all gone now
She speaks in squeaks, grunts and moans
Broken sentences
She has taken to wearing black gloves in the house
Before it was just when she would go outside
They never come off
She will probably wear a veil next
She will never tell me the truth
But I know it is all because of a boy

He is starting at the wall
With the hole in the middle
Dads ******* again
Smelled ripe too
Probably owes somebody money
He wonders what he will have to sell this week to make ends meet
Work at the plant has been pretty slow
His moms stuff has been secretly stowed away
She has been out of the picture for years now
He hasn’t forgotten her
He wont let anyone else forget her either
Only a couple more courses till he gets his GED
After that its bye bye to his **** poor place of a home
His dad just blends in the dirt now
Its everywhere
A smallish apartment in the city
A piece of paper allowing him to work from the bottom up to to open up his own club
People music and food
His formula for a good time
Don’t care much about the girls
With their oversized hoops
Skimpy clothes
And ribs sticking out
Rib everywhere!
Looked more like a place for anorexics then a real club last week
He wouldn’t serve alcohol
Mocktails, ****** drinks and beer the non intoxicating kind
***** gummies maybe?
Dad squanders everything every time hes on a drunken rampage
The suns down
The moons up
It didn’t matter
He takes the bottle to bed now
That’s no replacement for mom
He continues to stare at the wall
With the hole in the middle
No dinner tonight
No breakfast tomorrow
He will have to take out the last of the green stuff

Can you still hear it
Every time you get up at 6 am to work a thankless permanent job for the rest of your life while he goes to the office and the kid is at school?

Can you still hear it
When you slave away at a 9-6 job at some fast food joint 6 days a week
Hoping that you'll get a raise soon because life at home is unbearable

Can you still hear it
As you work day and night to complete that bachelors degree in engineering so that you don’t have to stick around to see your father drink himself to death and your mom stressing herself out about how she is going to marry you off to someone good hearted stranger

Can you still hear it
As you come home to a clueless rich husband who prides himself on his work ethic and large circle of friends but still hasn’t figured out how to get close to you or make you smile after 7 years of marriage!

Can you still hear it
As you work to complete college work through night school working 2 different jobs and wonder if there is something better in store for you then staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy and was built on a promise to a dying parent or relative

Can you still hear it
As you spend another day in the hospital hoping it will be the last day of eating bland food, swallowing pill after pill, loosing more blood and living on the hope of finding a donor

Can you still hear it
As you waste another evening dressing up and putting on high heels for another boy to come see you, eat your food, whisper in his mother's ear and wait for the family to reject you because your too thin, too dark and too loud

Can you hear it
As you waste time day after day in the gym and find no joy in bulking up but would much rather be spending time handling paint, clay and ink

Can you hear it
As you wipe your tears and wonder what to feed your two babies because the cheque bounced and you wont get paid for another three days

The little voice that wants you to live for yourself and not others

The little voice that wants you to follow your heart and not live based on people’s opinions

The little voice that demands that you not settle for average and for something that you truly want instead

The little voice that screams that you deserve better

The little voice that yells that you shouldn’t stifle your dreams for others comfort, or false appearances

Find that voice before it turns into a whisper

You stare into a pool of black
Swirling it to no end
I didn’t like her much you say
I want to laugh out loud
But I cant
It will sound like broken glass
Shes gone but finally happy
She liked you
She really tried
But got tired of waiting
For you to grow up
To come around
5 years and you haven’t changed much
You work now and yet you cant tame your tongue
You live in a big house now but you cant make proper eye contact
You drive a fancy car now but cant bring yourself to do something thoughtful or sweet
I don’t blame her for feeling bitter
I don’t blame her for moving away from you
You don’t look up from your drink
You begin to fidget with something else now
I want to shake you
I want to slap some sense into you
But you remind me that you didn’t like her very much
If she is to blame
Then so are you
But I don’t say anything
She is gone now
The house is empty
The papers have been sent
The ink has dried
You smiled when she left
But I don’t say anything
I stare into the pool of black
Swirling it to no end

I cant say your name out loud
It makes everything seem too real
I leave the room whenever someone brings you up as a conversation starter
I stop what I am doing someone feels the need to swap my smile for a wounded look by intentionally saying something hurtful
I cant stare at mirrors for too long
I am not sure who I will see in the morning
I dress up to go out but I don’t even make to the second block because my thoughts turn to you
I tell myself today's the day that I'm finally going to finish a project that I started but it moves along so slowly
I think I will finally be able to get behind the wheel but all I end up doing is sitting still not sure what to do or where to go
something is just missing
I think I will finally be able to do without the pills just to get through another day
But I am wrong
Once night time comes along
I stop pretending
My energy seeps away
My motivation evaporates
My composure crumbles
My peace is no more