So tell me why I am here again
What crime have I really committed
Ankle bracelets turn you off
So you opted for a watch
It must be on my wrist all day long
I thought it was sweet you remembered my birthday
But you really shouldn’t have gotten me anything
Really!
I am practically under house arrest
You never let me go out
There's a **** curfew too
I can be out from 8-6pm
What!
The world goes to **** at 6:01pm?
I cant socialize with my friend
Absolutely no partying
No get togethers
No opportunities to rake in extra cash
You can stop sending in the envelopes
They get fatter every week
Sometimes its grass
Otherwise its snow
Sell your own stuff
Self respect
I don’t know what that is anymore
I have to be at your beck and call
I have to answer at the second ring
Doesn’t matter what I am doing
Where I am at
All the msgs have to read and recorded
Every expense has to be accounted for
My diet consists on what you think is right
My baths and showeres are timed
To conserve water? I don’t think so
No extra minutes on my life plan
Not even over the weekend
You say that you care
You say all you want to do is protect?
Me?
Yourself?
Your steps?
Your double life?
Your methods are so wrong
The uniform still fits
Will you spoon feed me next?
Put on a password for the tv?
Its late and I am tired
I stay awake on nights
Wondering if you’re a man
Or a monster
Thank gods my mom’s dead
No ones here to really see any of this
You still continue to fool everyone
Patrol car
Fancy badge
Aviators
The laws in this house are corrupt
I don’t know how my brain hasn’t rotted from all this by now

It won’t be long now
He has only got a few more minutes
An hour at best
The crazy juice finally did him in
His liver is rotting
His memories get incinerated
Night by night
One snippet at a time
The anger does not show
The bitterness is not there
In his eyes
The jealousy and pettiness
No longer burns bright
It has dwindled down to a single tiny flame
It will go out soon
I feel that I should say sorry
For being a bad son
For not not spending enough time with him
But I always sent him my second paycheck
For not being near him
I was always trying to save lives
But I can’t save him now
I want to say something
Some kind of a final goodbye
But I can’t bring myself to walk into the room
It smells of feces and failure
The rest of my siblings are all in there
One sitting still
Two staring at each other
Three staring into the light of their cellphones
I am adopted
So its different
My presence doesn’t really make a difference
Last I heard he looked tired
Defeated
Already gone
So I guess it’s OK that I am already making my way home

No use in looking at the clock
He’s still sleeping
Softly snoring away
I wonder what’s he’s dreaming about
Not me I hope
I’m wide awake
I count all the stars on the walls for the third time
I pace down the hallway hoping it will calm me down
Turn on a light or two
Pour myself water to only not be able to drink it
The cold air doesn’t help
It grabs at my bare skin
Travels all the way up to my back
I stand by the window and see nothing
Listen for signs of life
the chirping of birds
Whizzing cars
Barking dogs
Splattering Rain
It’s no use
I’m not going back to sleep
I am up
But my demons are one step ahead of me

Do I leave or ask him to stay?
Will it be different this time
Or will i fall for it all over again
All because of those **** eyes
A brilliant blue with flecks of grey
I can see a storm brewing in those eyes
everything gets better after a storm right?
Clear skies and all
The grey goes away and all that is left is spell-bounding shade of blue
So blue that it gives me hope
I want to trust him again, but how?
Another piece of me will just break off
If I take a step towards him
Then second and a third
I don't want to go very far
Just close enough to be embraced
To melt
that's not possible anymore
His eyes seek forgiveness
his body language signals ******
I can hear him talk
he speaks with a poisoned tongue
They spill sickly sweet words
Words that turn into phrases
Phrases that turn into sonnets
My ears have heard everything
I can tell you when the curtain will fall
my heart has not gone cold yet
My mind wants to believe him again
But how?

Walking
Running
Crawling
Sometimes in circles
All for nothing
I still have to return
To you
Your impatience
It never ends
Your arrogance
It never ends
Your anger
It never ends
Day after day
Night after night
It grows stronger
While I become weaker
How did it start?
You wont say
But I always trigger it
It’s not because you had a bad day
It’s not because some unfortunate soul passed away
Not because the bills are unpaid and lights flicker
Not because your tab at the bar is getting fatter
There is no pleasing you
Sit, bow, obey, beg
You have made me do it all
You have made me do it with a smile
My muscles ache
My tear ducts are dry
there is no pleasing you
there is no salvation

Running out of time
Running out of excuses
yet these words will always linger on my breath
I still love you

Just when I think I can make it
Out of bed
Out of the house
Something goes wrong
My resolve weakens
Step, step
crack
Step step
crack
They have all begun to talk about it again
About you and her
going on and on
About all the things that you do with her
like you used to with me
I nod like I understand what is happening
But I don't
I try to smile
But these eyes will brim with tears
Soon
For as long as I live
I will never get over it
Over you?
Over us?
which ever one hurts less
Or maybe hurt is all the same
My hands shake
They turn into fists
But before the day comes to an end
These hands will cup together in prayer
For you
For her
For all of you