I am ashamed of these tears
I continue to make mistakes
I continue to not understand
I learn things the hard away
I try to love you in my own way
Its messy
It doesn’t always make sense
It can be loud and obnoxious
Sometimes even annoying
The last few days were hard
I was tough on you
Only because I saw potential
Only because I was trying to spare you from a type of pain
But when I try to help
You push me away
You scowl
You frown
You feel pressured
I cant help someone who thinks he doesn’t need any help
He thinks that everything will always just fall into place
I cane make you see that your wrong
You cant even dream of being wrong because of pride ego and tradition
You always need to be right!
I cant bring myself to apologize now
I feel small for trying to do the right thing
You wont even acknowledge me
I know I am not like you
I know we are both different
But sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you
I don’t know where we are going
I don’t know how this will end

Another day has just passed
Without a word between us
What is there to say?
There is no wall in the world strong enough to shield me from your words
Dipped in venom
Thrown around in great haste
You don’t mean it I think from time to time
But I also believe that men tell the truth when they are angry, intoxicated or plain exhausted
So which one was it yesterday?
I couldn’t smell the alcohol in your breath
Taste the sourness in your kiss
See fire in your eyes
I should be used to it by now
But I’m not
I should not be surprised by any of the things you say or do
I allow myself to get shocked
Sometimes by an unexpected act of kindness
A full minute of remorse
Or that playful smile
All of it gets swept away and forgotten once you get angry again
Is it me?
Do you see her in me?
Are there things that you wish you could have told her but couldn’t?
why do you feel the need to project all that anger, hatred and bitterness?
I can’t fix what is broken
I won’t allow myself to break either

Is it a problem that I sometimes can't stand people
being around them
Having always been a social person i parents do not quite understand this
they mutter to themselves, roll there eyes at me and sometimes even look at the ceiling
I cannot quite explain this but i do understand when it all started
I am OK with being this version of me
Do not get me wrong
I am not evil nor demented in anyway
I care
I help
I sympathize
But sometimes I shut down too
from the chatter of too many people in a room
too many around me
The noise
the lights
the looks
it all becomes to much sometimes
I don't care what they say about me and my so called eccentric behavior
I care more about what i think about myself
I go to sleep with my own problems i am constantly working on myself
how to remain calm in unforgiving situations
how to exert discipline when things feel overwhelming
how to stay positive but also realistic when i feel like giving up
how to avoid useless chatter toxic people and bad vibes
I prefer my own company over others
like to spend time on my own
i cant say what i am trying to avoid by doing so
Disappointment
heartbreak
or compensation for lost time
given to those who really didn't deserve it in the first place because they did not bother to stick around when I needed someone

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

The weather outside mimics
my feelings inside
Its cold, dark, and wet
raining nonstop for the last 24 hours
every time I look to the window it is something new
a couple of drops here and there
a slight drizzle which wets the hair and the tips of our noses
progresses to aggressive heavy rain that makes its presence known by constantly tapping on glass windows and slapping the pavement
from there its chaos
something out a movie
heavy wind
grey skies
mad sprays of water everywhere
you can only pray that you have on the right shoes and don't slip
don't become victim to the mess of ***** colored leaves flying about and attacking those shoes
All this rain
isn't good for my joints
every ache and pain translates to words that I have long become accustomed to
this bad weather has me becoming nastier by the hour
All I can feel right now are hot waves of crushing anger
the type of rage that warms up the body
makes it impossible to look at you with kind eyes
every word that comes out my mouth feels like bullets
one after the other
there is no compassion in my voice today
there is no time to catch my breath either
just a flurry of words
no tears
then complete silence
what you have been wanting
for the longest time
there is no coming back from this
so watch your step

I keep missing you
sometimes by a few miserable seconds
then a day
to a week
many months
and what seems like an eternity
Am I the one who is too afraid to get stung, burnt, and then slowly forgotten
I do not know what is worse
to forgot or too completely abandon
What comes first?
I suppose we sometimes do not have the choice to choose where we end up at times
So I will wait
because there is always the possibility that you will come back
maybe not today
tomorrow
or the day after
but soon

Know what I hate the most about myself after a big fight
a heated discussion
a nasty row
The fact that I cant remain calm
The fact that I cant sit still
The fact that I cant keep quiet when all I really want is to blurt something out something negative
Something hurtful
Something stabby
Something that will make me feel better for a split second and hurt him for days
Its not always possible to be the bigger person
Its not always easy to take the high road
Is this what happens when you have kept quiet for way to long?
Act nice to those who you really don’t like just out of good manners and cultural norms?
Look the other way just to keep the peace?
Nobody likes living in a house filled with angry words that scar up the walls
Nasty looks that stain glass
Resentment that lingers everywhere
From room to room
Like worst smell you can think off
Bitterness that is so strong that concrete and brick weigh nothing
I am tired
I wish I could get lost
Forget my way home and throw the key away in the nearest bit of water
let it rust away like the memory of my first night with you
It would still be the same ugly house
Even if someone has cleaned up the insides the old fashioned away with a bucket mop sponge and toothbrush
Fix up all the doors and windows
Slap on a glossy coat of paint
Make the bathroom squeak
Make the kitchen smell like freshly baked cookies
Place a new welcome mat