I constantly need to check myself
Make sure I'm not turning in to him
I need to be more self aware
Then he'll ever be

I never want to make anyone feel
Anything close to the way he did to me

Why can't I seem to enjoy things?
Why is my stupid brain always getting in the way?
I need it to shut up for once
Please
Please
Give me a break

Stop freaking out
These are just people
You are like them
Except not normal
I say to myself

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I repeat
Over
And over
I can't stop

I say it
Standing in my own house
On what are now my floors

Why does everything have to stress me out?
Why can't I just live?
It isn't that big of a deal

Mind filling
Flooding
Often for just living

Hatred at self
For picking
picking
My skin
And causing my own pain

I need a break from my head
It seems to hate me

Go away

IwishIcouldhugthemallofthepeoplewhoeverhadtofeelthisawfulawfulfee­lingoflonelinessandunwillingnesstomoveortalkoropentheireyes Iwanttotellthemthatit'sokaythey'reokaythey'renotalonetheyaren'tth­eonlypersonhavingapanicattackinthebathroomtheyweren'tthe onlyoneswhofeelthisbadandIwanttoheartheir storiesandIwantthemtohearmineIwishwecouldallgotoafarawaylandawayf­arfromtheruinersoflivesandthethingsthatmakeyouwanttocommitsuicide­Iwanttotellthemthey'renottheonlyoneswhofeelthekeyboardintheirmind­isglitchingmakingnopunctuationorspaceforabreakfromthought

Airports are so interesting
Everyone is going somewhere

But some are going to funerals
Some baby showers

Some to visit their families for a couple days
And some forever

Some waiting for them is only their dog
Some a whole big family just waiting to give them a hug

Some get picked up or dropped off by strangers
Because they have no family left

Some get picked up by their parents
Which some love a lot
Or love less

Probably
Someone will die in their trip

Probably
Someone will have their baby
And maybe they'll be good parents
Or maybe not

Is it just me,
that finds this fascinating?

I come at unexpected moments
I bring fear and anxiety
I whisper morbid thoughts about your family and society

My favorite times are 3 am and always
My favorite topics are death and pain
I like to make sure that you scream silently in vain

I take you out of reality
Launch you in to space
I planet for the people you may ****
And a star for the ones you won't save

Short and quick
I can ruin your day in the snap of my finger
The what if’s taking over your brain and I promise they will linger

I also serve a purpose which I admit a often fail
To protect from the things that can put you in jail
I know it makes you crazy and so I'm sorry to say
That 's the only thing I know and I'll do it until the end of always.

I could like whatever I wanted to like

My dad got upset as he always did
Usually something unpleasant for me
Until I decided that it was simply funny
And that I got a kick out of it
And though this was not true
It helped a bit


It was raining and I was walking home from school
Soaked and miserable
Until I decided I liked to walk in the rain
And the rest of the walk went by
---no pain!


I had tripped and fell
Bleeding and trying not to cry
Until I decided that people just decided that pain was a bad thing
So I told myself that I enjoyed it
And it helped a bit

Focus harder!
If I could I-
Try harder!
If I could I-
Start talking to people more!
If I could I-
Stop crying!
If I could I-
Stop doing that!
If I could I-
Be more productive!
If I could I-
Stop picking your skin
I really wish I could but-

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

Let me ask you a question:

If a room is dark
And you turn on a light
Is the room still dark?

Everyone I ask
Tells me it's now light
But they're assuming
That lightness
Overweighs the darkness

What if the darkness
Is just too strong?
What if the light
Is too dim?
A nightlight of sorts
In a big forest

Or maybe
Both answers are right
And it just depends where you draw the line

I don't like things to end

Today I met up with some friends
We had a good time
Playing board games and laughing
It was fun
And soon
It was over
It would be another week
Until I'd see them again
But in the meantime
I'd feel like I had no friends
So I left their house
With a heavy heart
Going back in time to when I was a little girl
Begging my mother in tears
"Just five more minutes, please!"
But now I just had to deal
It was over
And that was it
Sadness eating me
I wished I enjoyed it more when it happened

At the store
When I tried on clothes
I felt like I wanted to cry
Not because I really was ugly
(Just a moment ago I was told I was beautiful)
But because
The mirror I looked at
And the lights surrounding it
Made me think that way

You're not ugly
Your mirror is tricking you

You're not stupid
You're a beautiful bird asked to swim in a swamp

You're not unlovable
The people around you are just toxic and don't know how good you are

I want to cry
sob
And scream

But I'll have to wait until morning
To do those things
Because people can hear me now

I want a kind person to see me struggling
Not by me showing them
But by simply observing
And care
And ask if they can help
Sometimes they can
And sometimes they can't
But that itself
Is enough for my heart

I cannot seem to be able
To unwrap the vines of pain from me
After all
It's in my name

I would do anything
Give anything
To make this bad
Heavy feeling
Be lifted

I would call a plane
And a crane
To get it off my heart
If that's what it takes

I want to feel better already

The time is moving too slow
And too fast
All at once
Who is messing with the clock?
Is it a monster living in the walls
Or is it living in my head?

The vines get tighter
The more I want them to loosen

Are they the problem
Or is it me?
What's the difference
I can't see

It doesn't matter
Get them off of me

I want to feel better already

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already

Up in the attic
With my paints
And my rage
I was the canvas
Filled with color

Splats of red
I needed to
How else could I symbolize you?

Blue and orange
And purple and green
All trying you make sense of me

Little hints of yellow
For even then
When I could forget
I could experience momentary joy

I was that canvas
Because yes,
My head is overwhelming
And crazy
And angry
But it can also be beautiful

I was that canvas,
Abstract
And messy
Which some say isn't even art
And some say is wonderful

I was was that canvas

But wait
...
Wasn't I also the painter?

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's peace
I just need to find someone
Any kind person
To take the journey with me

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

I see a girl at the party
She's just sitting there alone
Staring into nothing
So I feel the intense urge to go up
And ask her
"Are you okay?"
To which she responds
"Yeah, this is just me"

I go back
And start dancing again
Waving my hands the way everyone else does
But I know it's not me

I dance alone
In the shower, in my bedroom or in my backyard in the rain
While listening to old music
And genuinely smiling

So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Language was created
So we could better understand eachother

And 5,500 years later
thats what we're still trying to do

I feel betrayed
I thought we were a group
We would stick together
Forever
And we would see eachother every week
As long as we wanted to
How dare you leave
I didn't agree
I feel betrayed
I heard it from my mother
You didn't even bother to tell me

I feel less than
For I am a number
Or maybe an object
For seven hours a day

I feel less than
For I am different
And you are under people
If you aren't the same

I feel less than
Because I can't make my own decisions
And the people who do
Don't understand what it's like
To be in my head

I feel less than
For even my own haunted mind
Seems to rule over me

They don't understand
The reason I'm not crying
Not sobbing
And not yelling
Is because I am writing
"Liana, go to sleep!"
They tell me harshly
But it's what keeps me sane
Let me write
It doesn't hurt anyone
It's the only thing
That can calm me down

I'm not hurt
Because of what you did

I'm hurt
Because you didn't tell me

You’ve probably heard the saying “life is short”
I don't think so
It is the longest thing you will ever
experience
It just passes quickly
If you're lucky enough
Life is
Sad
Happy
And long
I just hope mine is all of those

You’ve probably heard the saying “life is short”
I don't think so
It is the longest thing you will ever experience
If you're lucky enough
Life is
Sad
Happy
And long
I just hope mine is all of those

I am shivering
I am not cold

I am in the bathroom
I don't need it

I can't breathe
It isn't my asthma

I am exhausted
I can not sleep

I am lonely
But I won't text anyone

I am crying
I don't know why

I fear I will die
Nothing real is killing me

My stomach is grumbling
I won't eat

Right now
Life kind of *****

Life is a mess
That sometimes can't be cleaned

People can be soap
Or a rag
Or a towel
You wipe up life with them
And it helps a bit

Unfortunately
Some of them were *****
And spread it all over
Instead of cleaning it up
Like they said they would

If the world
Lost it's poetry, art, music, dance, stories, books, and performing
I think
The population would be cut in half
And those 4 billion people left
Would be miserable

I image life without them
As unlivable

When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

The stars are beautiful
They always are

It's just
Sometimes
The light pollution gets in the way
And we can't see them anymore

But who knows
Maybe
Tomorrow you'll see them really clear

Even the moon changes,
Develops,
After time,
becomes whole
So why can't you?

I mean,
you kind of do
But like the moon you
always go back
It's just not as gradual

I think of you both at night
Except with you
It makes me unable to sleep

At least the moon is up there in the sky
Just looking pretty
And following my car
Catching my eye
Making me smile
Not making me cry

I love the moon
But that's weird because
Is it's similar to you

Little girl wondering and wandering
This beautiful and treacherous world
Learning
And observing

She's a sponge
Unfortunately
The water was polluted
By the careless
And manipulative
By her own blood

Is that why she picks her skin off now?
To see him come out of her?
Trying to squeeze out
Little by little
Her pain?

She knows better ways too
For she walks
Dances in to the night
And reaches out for the stars
They heal her

She cries
She needs to release


I think she has wings
Will she notice?
And when she does
Will she dare to fly?
Where will she go?

I hope she wont fly alone...

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record
Or someone to love it

Is like looking
And seeing many people around you
But gazing into the mirror of your life
And just seeing you
Alone
And maybe
the monster in your head

Loneliness is a door
You're to afraid to open
You want what's on the other side
But the handle might burn you

It is a picture of you
With friends
Wearing fake smiles
And wanting to be in that moment again
More than anything
Or never again
For what is actually nothing

Loneliness can be felt
Alone a bathroom stall
Trying to breathe
And stay calm

In an auditorium
Filled with hundreds
When there is no one
Who notices you

You also feel it
When they do

While trying to push through
The crowded hallways
That are loud
And try to swallow you

Loneliness can be felt everywhere
And can be anything
If you're anything like me

Yfxycfugcuctucgmyohvihcihvheadihvgugubjbnibisuhhvuvuvninikookaugt­cvyjimessugvuvghivofihvihvihvthoughtsihvigvigvihvivgeh

I've decided
That I will always look up
Because people stare down at their feet all time
And they don't get to see the trees, the leaves, and the sky
And the first time I tried it out
It left me with no doubt
Because I saw an apple tree
The birds soaring
The squirrels in all of their stress
The stars
And it made wonder
Why I ever looked down
When it was so easy to look up
And see the beauties of the world

Everyone looks at their feet
Looks down
It's what we're used to now

But just for a second
If you dare to glance up
It might flip your world around

I love him
Because I have known him forever
And because I can't help it
He's my father

But don't get me wrong
I don't like him
Not as a person
Or as a parent
Or as a human

I want kids to stop needing to raise their parents
People say that would take magic
So people have to step up
Because even 5 year old me knew magic isn't real

Why can't I just go about my day
Without these terrible memories
Randomly flooding my brain?

Eyes widen
I try to blink the thoughts out of my head
A wave of anxiety passes over me
Makes my stomach hurt
As well as my brain

I don't need to remember
Not now...
I need to calm down

I want to go to the corner
And sit alone for a second
But I risk being asked
If I'm okay
By a teacher
Or a kid who pretends that they're concerned
I'm afraid I'll lose it
If they do

The sound of your yelling and sobbing
Echo in my head
Ring in my ear
But my eyes are too busy for it
Because they are seeing my mom lock herself in the bathroom
To escape you
I see you you going on your knees
Screaming in the middle of the of where everyone can see
Putting the little girl that was me
In a place where she didn't know what to do
Over and over again

I can't breathe
And I need to snap out of it
...
But I can't

I need it to be quiet
Outside and inside my head

For some
When the clock hits midnight
The new day has started
They're in their bed all cozy and asleep
And then they're people like me
Where the terrors have just begun

Now is the time to pay
For the work you have procrastinated from
And the feeling locked up

At midnight most of the world resembles my thoughts----
Dark
Which never helps much

12:00 the clock reads
My head messes with the number as it always does
1+2=3
Three is a bad number
But twelve can be divided by six
And equal two
Two is a good number
Obviously

I hate math
But my head does this with times such as midnight
And generally bittersweet things

Memories of walking around in circles during recess
12345678
12345678
I repeated until it was over

Midnight feels unreal
But too real at the same time

Midnight
I wish I was asleep
But I'm kind of afraid to be
How can I be so tired, but not sleepy?

Midnight
You confuse me

It's already late
Still hours worth of work to do
I fear I won't sleep

Lying in bed
It's morning now
I don't remember falling asleep
I never do
I just have to believed it happened

Yesterday is gone
Like my rest
But my dog is still lying next to me
Warm
And comforting

Ba-doom
Ba-doom
Her heartbeat is constant
It reminds me that I too am alive
Can she hear mine?

Tired
Forgot to shut off my alarm
My eyes are closing once again
I am being taken over by sleep
Slowly
And then all at once
I remember a book that once compared it to love

Next thing I know it I am awake again
Don't remember falling asleep
It very well could have been millions of years and my memory could have been erased
Whatever though

I look to the right to my mirror
My hair is a mess
More than the usual curly bird's-nest

Lying in bed
But this time
Calmly
Not crying
Or wishing for sleep
Of course my head still overflowing
It always is

But I
I stare at the ceiling
...
Peace

Moths are beautiful
But their life is one of unfairness and tragedy

They are drawn to are lamps and houses
They think they are the sun
They are met with a hard surface
Over and over again

They have the wings
The patterns
The shape
But they are not what we call “pretty”
So we **** them
And let them slowly **** themselves
Which we would never do to butterflies

They are only supposed to come out at night
When it’s dark
But unfortunately
They like the light

I want to cry
But instead I write poems
And sob through them

I lie in the darkness of my bedroom
Silence
Except for my mind
Peace
Except for my heart
I listen to the silence
Let the peace spread
And wish to sleep
Though it may take hours of this