For some
When the clock hits midnight
The new day has started
They're in their bed all cozy and asleep
And then they're people like me
Where the terrors have just begun

Now is the time to pay
For the work you have procrastinated from
And the feeling locked up

At midnight most of the world resembles my thoughts----
Dark
Which never helps much

12:00 the clock reads
My head messes with the number as it always does
1+2=3
Three is a bad number
But twelve can be divided by six
And equal two
Two is a good number
Obviously

I hate math
But my head does this with times such as midnight
And generally bittersweet things

Memories of walking around in circles during recess
12345678
12345678
I repeated until it was over

Midnight feels unreal
But too real at the same time

Midnight
I wish I was asleep
But I'm kind of afraid to be
How can I be so tired, but not sleepy?

Midnight
You confuse me

It's already late
Still hours worth of work to do
I fear I won't sleep

Lying in bed
It's morning now
I don't remember falling asleep
I never do
I just have to believed it happened

Yesterday is gone
Like my rest
But my dog is still lying next to me
Warm
And comforting

Ba-doom
Ba-doom
Her heartbeat is constant
It reminds me that I too am alive
Can she hear mine?

Tired
Forgot to shut off my alarm
My eyes are closing once again
I am being taken over by sleep
Slowly
And then all at once
I remember a book that once compared it to love

Next thing I know it I am awake again
Don't remember falling asleep
It very well could have been millions of years and my memory could have been erased
Whatever though

I look to the right to my mirror
My hair is a mess
More than the usual curly bird's-nest

Lying in bed
But this time
Calmly
Not crying
Or wishing for sleep
Of course my head still overflowing
It always is

But I
I stare at the ceiling
...
Peace

Moths are beautiful
But their life is one of unfairness and tragedy

They are drawn to are lamps and houses
They think they are the sun
They are met with a hard surface
Over and over again

They have the wings
The patterns
The shape
But they are not what we call “pretty”
So we **** them
And let them slowly **** themselves
Which we would never do to butterflies

They are only supposed to come out at night
When it’s dark
But unfortunately
They like the light

I want to cry
But instead I write poems
And sob through them

I lie in the darkness of my bedroom
Silence
Except for my mind
Peace
Except for my heart
I listen to the silence
Let the peace spread
And wish to sleep
Though it may take hours of this

.

      My                            I’m
   Cat is                         Lucky
  My baby.                   To have
And I will                 Such a good
Always love him a, loving, adorable,
Comforting, and amazing cat. He
  has been there for me ever since
    I remember. I am dreading the
     Day he dies. He was there to
         Comfort me for the death
           Of my two dogs. Love
                  Him endlessly.
                 Yes, he’s crazy

             Yes, he's steals food

           Yes, he scratches his skin

         Yes, he stinks up the house    

    But honestly it doesn't matter to me

None of that matters to me at all because

He realizes I’m crying and comes to make
  Sure I’m okay

    He brings me very  suspicious presents

        He makes me laugh on bad days

                      He is my friend

                               He is my
                               Crazy,
                              Amiable,
                   ­             Cute,
                                Bright,
      ­                          Loyal,
  Cat                         Lively,
  Brave                  Witty,
     And              Charm-
         Caring,       Ing,
                  Loving,

My cat is
Purring
Sitting on any available laps
Meowing
Loving everyone
Eating everything
Going on any shoulders that he pleases
Rubbing against people

And then there's me
Taking a break and hiding in the bathroom
Sitting in silence
Fake smiling
Picking skin
Laughing when I see everyone else laugh
Avoiding going out
Or talking to people

Humans are supposed to be social
And cats are supposed to be independent
Yet
It seems that my cat is more social than me

Whenever I want to keep a straight face
I silently sob in my head
"My dog is dead
My dog is dead
My dog is dead..."

I went up to a squirrel
Such a stressed creature
I asked
"What's wrong?"
For some reason he didn't answer me

My eyes are wide
From every terrible thought that comes to mind

My eyes are filled with tears
From holding them in

My eyes are red
From barely any sleep

And my eyes are tired
Because they have to make it through the day and again

I'm glad it's dark
So no one can see them

He is a light
With no dimmer

He's either on
Very, very bright
Almost blinding

Or off
Depressed, out of control
Spreading his darkness wherever he goes

I long to install the dimmer
To have a sweet spot in the middle
But he's simply not built like that
Or maybe
He's too broken for it
And he can't be fixed

I have this friend
And boy, her life is hard
Compared to her mom
My dad is normal
Her dad died
About two years ago
And she has autism
What a life

I invited her over today
To play some board games with friends
And then sleepover
And she said yes
She also said that tomorrow was her birthday

I want to be a good friend
But I don't know what to do
Talking to her is hard for me
I want to ask her about her life
But I don't want to make her uncomfortable
I want to laugh
But I don't know what about

I want to make it fun for her
She deserves it, after all
But how?

I will do my best
It's all I can do
But I'm still stressed
Though I don't want to

"I don't deserve anything"
She says
Tears pouring down her cheeks
Like little pieces of her soul

Were they claustrophobic
Or is there a hole where they should be now?

"You deserve everything
That's just Fred"
I tell her while caressing her back
Trying desperately to soothe the pain

"What?"
She says with a break in her voice that hurts to hear
I wish I could all of her's

"Fred is that monster in your head that tells you exactly what you don't need to hear"

"I hate Fred
And I hate me"
She says
I hear the desperation in her voice

"You're my friend
And I love you
Which means that I have to love Fred too
Because he is a part of you

Fred is just pain
He's often forced into these small nooks and cranny's in your mind
But it's dark and scary in there
He thinks he's helping you
And feels he has to come out sometimes

He's just bruised and broken
And that's fine
We all are
I still love you"

She says that she doesn't
She says she wants to die
I know how the world looks right now in her eyes
And it's not beautiful

I tell her that I'm there for her always
And that she's wonderful
That the world is awful and ugly
But also stunning

I tell her that those people don't know her
And that those words in that letter might have hurt her
But do not define her
And that some other ones might even comfort her

And after many more tears,
A coconut ice cream,
Some comfort food with a comfort show,
And a warm embrace,
Fred finally held her hand
And maybe,
She hated him a bit less
By the end

It's hard to believe
That such a strong person
Is starting to deteriorate

They say that she's okay
She says that she's okay
Because it's too scary for her not to be

The short
Strong
Curly-haired
feminist
Who loves
And cares

She's my mother's mother

She can't stop existing
She can't leave
And the earth can't keep spinning if she does

It pains me
Hurts me
To think of her last breath

The person
Who once held me
Outside in backyard
And sang to the night sky with me

The person
Who raised my mother

The person
Who was once a little girl
With dreams and hopes

She can't leave...

I am here on earth
Technically

I am in my mind though constantly
And that's the reality

Unfortunately
Being in your head
When it clearly hates you
Is exhausting

The overthinking
Doubting
Repeating that same words over and over again
Guilt for things you didn't do
Morbid thoughts about someone killing your family
Intrusive thoughts about stepping on to the road

"They're not realistic"
You tell yourself
But still inside believe that they could be



It's like if you always were eating the same food
Everyday
Every second
And you don't like it
It makes you feel sick

I feel sick
All
The
Time

Both mentally
And physically

Please release me from my head
My hands hurt from trying to break the bars
But don't do it like I do
Where I end up kind of not feeling anything at all

"Is this because you are a part of me?"
I wonder
Maybe
Maybe not

My mother holds her head in her hands
I think it's because of me
My mental health
Is not what she wishes it to be

"I'm sorry"
I say in tears
"Okay"
She responds
I'm missing the "it's"

"I'm sorry"
I try again
..
She ignores it

My head explodes of thoughts of guilt
I can't handle it

"What do you want to do?"
She asks after a while
I think to myself
"Die"
But change it quickly
How dare I think that way

I stay silent


My mother is shaking her knee
She's upset
Stressed
She doesn't know what to do with me
I don't either

"I'm sorry"
I sob
"Why?
Why are you sorry, Liana?"
She asks exasperated
Like apologizing was a crime

I don't answer
I don't want to make things worse

I just cry

My mother sighs
I don't know what to do
She's my sane parent
The best thing I have
How dare I hurt her in any way

I want to say sorry
But I am sorry for saying sorry

My head is going to collapse

It turns out that
My room
Or what used to be my room
Still smells of me and my mom painting it on a Saturday afternoon
Even if it's empty

The spot on the wall
"Happiness: an endless chase"
I wrote at 11
Still lives hidden in the corner

A question
I get a kick out of asking people is
What would you do, if you found out that this is all a simulation?
Most people answer
That they would do whatever they want,
Go crazy!
Honestly
Id just keep going along
Maybe with some more experiments
But that's it
Because repercussions are still a thing
And I'm stuck there anyway
Everything remains the same
There is nothing I would know as real
Except what is fake

You don't deserve my tears
But I deserve to let myself cry

I saw my tree today
The one in the big open field

It was raining
My socks were wet
My legs tired from the walk
But it was perfect

I placed my hand on the textured bark
I felt so whole
And infinite

I was home

Walking around it in circles
My hand stroking it as I do
Just like I had done
What seems like forever ago

Memories come
Flow in
Like a peaceful stream

It's just like the tree next to it
And the one next to that
But this one was mine

Not because I planted it
But because I felt it pull me in
Even when I was a little girl
Even then
I felt we were one

The intense urge
To tell you what you've done to me
And how terrible you are
Yet
I just bite my tongue

I remember one night
As clear as day

It all started when I watched a movie
The dog has died
And it reminded me of mine

I let myself sob
I knew my mom would only come back late
And my dad wasn't truly there

So I cried and cried
Distracted myself by watching more
And cried again

When she got back
She came with me in bed
As I sobbed


Soon enough
She said "it's time to sleep!"
And that's when I realized
I couldn't stop to weep
And it wasn't just that
I couldn't breath
I was shaking
I realized
It was a full blown panic attack

Unable to stop
Already 3am
My mom not knowing what to do anymore
She said "If you don't stop
I'll have to take you to the hospital"

A nightmare

Scared out of my mind
Knowing that's the last thing I wanted
I went to the bathroom
And took a cold shower

It was cold
And miserable
I hated it so
But after collecting myself a bit
I was able to sleep
A terrible sleep though


I've had nights
Feeling so physically ill
But I know
Nothing will ever
Compare to that night

I was only like 9
But I'm telling you
I was so ready to just crumble up
And die

So many downsides to knowing him
Being his daughter
But one thing I can say
It's that it's never boring
Because it's always something
A complication of sorts
Never nothing

.    
         I                                    
            Love                              
              Stars,                  
                   They
                     Are so
                      Far, but
                       Feel so
                        Near. I love
                        The moon ,        
                         How it's    
                        Always
                        Changing
­                     But I hate
                  How
               I can't
          Sleep
      Ever

Have you ever had a recurring nightmare?

Every time I appear in a forest
And walk through the door
I know I will not be able to come back out from
I don't want to go in
But I'm not in control
It's a dream
So it happens
And I have to face my doom

Nightmares can be so realistic
I believe
They can also be real

Is that what life is?
Just a really
Really
Realistic nightmare?
We'll never know
And that's the problem with such dreams
We can hope only
That our suffering will end soon

Cold and tired
But I'm covered and can't sleep
Sad and angry
But I won't let myself scream or weep

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

What?

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

No...there isn't

It is, trust me it's there!

I know what's in my closet, what you're doing isn't fair

He's crying out for help, he's there, he's there!

I will not doubt myself
I saw there was nothing to be seen

But please...

Why do you care?

Because I made a mess in there...

I see
Please go far far away from me

I hate when people say
"No one asked"
It makes whoever it is said to
Just feel so bad
For trying to share whatever they wanted to share
To the world
Why are people so cold?

I hate when people say
"No one cares"
How is it a thing
Said so casually in conversation?
What if it's someone's greatest fear?
And then they get told that
For talking
Like that helps anything
Or anyone
Ever

So if anyone says this
I'll just give them a glare
And I'll say to the victim
"They should speak for themselves because I'm listening
And I care"

All my life
I had strived to be normal

Once I finally move to this new school
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I style my hair differently
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I join this club
I will be normal
...I wasn't

I never was
No matter the rules I made
The clothes I wore
The school I went to

No matter how many how many YouTube videos on how to make friends I watched
The techniques I tried
And the books I read

Now
Only now
Do I finally accept
And take pride in
The fact that I am weird


Now
I try to find
Other weirdos like me
And make them my friends
Instead of the copy pasted people

I am weird
But I am weird
In a good way

One of my friends asked me
"Do you think I'm a good person"
My first instinct was to tell her
"Yes, of course!"
But then I remembered
There's no such thing
I explained to her that I believed
In bad actions
Bad intentions
But not bad people
Because who knows who they would have been if raised even slightly differently
And if it's not because of that
And they're simply born that way
It isn't their fault they are like that
Just bad luck

I say that her intentions are usually good
And so because of that
She should feel that way too

I refuse to be nonchalant
I will be that person who's smile gets wider when they see you
Starts jumping up and down
I will be that person who cries every time a dog in a movie died
If something funny happens
Why wouldn't I let myself laugh?
If I see that the sunset looks especially pretty one night
I'll say it randomly in conversation
And I'll dance with my friends while listening to music on our way to buy random things from Walgreens at 11:00pm
If the sounds are too overwhelming
I'll go to hide in the bathroom
And yeah, if I see you cry
I'll probably cry too

A car broke down
And some pieces remain on the street;
Broken
And feeling missing

So as I walk,
I pick some up
And decided to make them part of something again
Where they will thrive
And feel full again

They shall not be "broken" anymore
Nor "trash" or "useless"
Simply because I decided so

I have a much better name for them;
"Art"

Right now
I am lying in bed
It's one AM
And things are haunting me
Making sure that I can't sleep

He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all these nowhere promises
To somebody

He's as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man
Can you see me at all?

You shouldn't wait for someone to lend you a hand
You awful
Awful
Nowhere man

I guess the medication worked
I don’t feel depressed

I don’t feel anything anymore

In class
When someone spots my bleeding thumb
Before saying anything to me
Thinking anything
They raise their hand
And say
"Mrs. S! Mrs. S! She's bleeding!

My head screams
"No no no no no"
As I walk to the nurse
What will she say?
What will she do?
Will she ask me questions?
Luckily she didn't
She barely glanced at me
And told me where the bandaids were
Phew!

I wonder what would happen if she saw how bad it looked though...

Of course you feel alone
People don't show when they feel bad
Scrolling on your social media
No one shows imperfection
Or the reality of the world

Of course you feel alone
There is no question in
"Are you okay?"
But a cue to say
"Yes"

Of course you feel alone
Because people cover up their scars
Are wear their masks all day
It's not just you
7 billion at least

Of course you feel alone
We're told
"Don't cry"

Of course you feel alone
If everyone is scared to be honest
Because we have a different opinion
We all might end up lying
Just like the other day
When someone told me
That they actually liked the book we read in class
As if it was a crime
And she was the only one
...
Three other people told me that

Of course you feel alone
And even in that
You're not
I'm right there with you
And so are billions of others
At some point in their lives

It's okay
Its okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
You're okay
You're okay
Everything will be okay
Okay?
You're okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
Breathe and everything will be okay


I feel like I'll never be okay...

One lonely night
Unable to sleep
Thoughts taking over
Exploding my brain
I wrote a poem for the first time
For me

One lonely night
When I discovered what writing did to me
Didn't sleep a wink
I just wrote and wrote
A sewer to the anxiety flooding me

One lonely night
I wanted to feel less alone

One lonely night
I wanted to read a poem
From the average person
Like me
Just trying to make though it each day

One lonely night
I came across Hello Poetry
And for fun
I submitted a poem
Not knowing
How this website would change me

Smile-
form one's features into a pleased, kind, or amused expression, typically with the corners of the mouth turned up and the front teeth exposed.

But it is so much more. Imagine this:

You're waiting in line for lunch at school
you've had a really bad day
Your friends aren't talking to you
You failed a major test
your dad just left

The thoughts in your brain are taking over
You search the room for something to make it better
On the left is someone talking
On the right is someone talking
You look behind you, someone talking
But when you look at this person they do something different
They look at you kindly
And they smile

A smile is pointless if only polite
But this smile was beautiful, mouth open wide
How could she knows that you needed it so much?
Such a small action made your heart touched
But she didn't know
She just did it because she could
So you smile back
Somehow brighter than hers?
And suddenly your sadness has been cured

So you go to your table at lunch after getting the food
Feeling lighter and more than cured
You are happy, somehow
It doesn't last long
But now you can remember the kindness of one

The rest of your classes go by easier
After school you go out with a friend instead of eating food from the freezer
You get an okay night sleep
And this time you don't weep

More days go by, still feeling lighter
You don't even remember the smile
But now you have these habits from the days before
And you like your life more

It's crazy what one smile can do it's so easy but impactful if it's true

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

Ouch
It's so **** painful

I don't know what to do
With the pain

I don't know what to do
With the knowledge that I did it to myself

My thumbs bleeding
Throbbing as if my heart was right in there
Yelling at me
Judging me for what I did

The worst part
Is the next time I'll see a bump
I'll just do it all over again
Until it scars my heart and my body forever

I feel guilty
But I know it's mostly his fault
I got it from him
He gave it to me
I know he doesn't notice
Or worse
He doesn't care how he impacts me

But all I can feel now is
Ouch
Outside and in

I remember
Standing outside in the cold
I was only nine years old
But even then
I knew I shouldn’t go inside

Without a coat
In my new little dress
And flat little dress shoes
That I wore to a choir concert

My mom couldn’t make it
She was working
So it was just him

He didn’t watch it
Or tell me I was good after
In fact
I somehow made him mad

I didn’t want to get in the car
On the way back
I knew when he was angry
We shouldn’t be driving
But there was a loudness in his eyes
It was scary
And I could not ignore it
It told me I had no choice but to get in

He was
Reckless
Missing turns
Short stops
Yelling at drivers
Especially if they have white cars
Because as he says
“Anyone with a white car is an idiot”
Because that makes sense?

What was supposed to be a 10 minute drive
But it became at least 30 minutes

So when we got back
I decided to stay outside

I paced back and forth
Wanting it be warm
And to feel safe

Even then I knew
That is was best to stay away

Running
Back
And forth
Reach the line

I'm not that bad out of shape
But still struggling

Throat burning
Head pounding as if there's someone trying to bang their way out
And lungs desperately fighting for air

I give up...

I sit down when I reach the line
And try to catch my breathe
Instead of running back

Chest rising and falling
With each gasp for air

Oxygen
Why do you hate me?
Lungs,
Why aren't you working?

Coughs hurt my throat
And make me weak

I take my inhaler
But it isn't working
It's just making me shaky

Panic rising inside me

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

I take another puff
And wait
1
2
3
4
5
...
Breathe out
And couch violently

I'm going to die
I'm going to die
I'm going to die

No one notices

He ran into the street
The light was red
He made a car swerve

"You could die"
I scream at him from the sidewalk;
Eyes red and full of tears

"I want to,
And you want me to
So it wouldn't be that bad!"
He screams back
I just suggested upping the phone volume...

Everything is loud and out of control
Sounds of city surrounding me

So I just stand there
11 years old and alone
I don't know what to say
So I say nothing at all

He makes it to the other side
I don't know how to feel
He feels far away yet still too close
And I know I'll have to go closer

Let me present to you
The beginning of my birthday evening

Loud music
The bass shaking the ground and my mind
Loads of people dancing around
Shouting "ay, ay, ay!"
Bright lights spinning
Dizziness

The music is too loud
Too many people crowded around
Lights moving too fast
Everything seems like it is closing in on me
And collapsing

Depressed and angry at the world
I put a pencil between my teeth
My last resort
I hope with all I have
It will make me feel better

They're your friends
Until you need them
They want to make a meense
But not admit they are wrong
They'll help you
Until you need help
They claim they're all equal
But they discriminate
They say that they’re fine
But they are far from it
They can love you
But still hurt you
They can earn your trust
Just to steal from you
They can say that they discipline you
When they are harming you
They can say that they love themselves
When the love pours down their arms
They can look confident
But cry at their reflection
They can be your friend
And lie to you
They can claim they want peace
But start to **** one another
They can try to help each other
But hurt each other in the end

They are terrible
beautiful
confusing
complex
Loving
and hating

They are people