Everyone pulling, ripping, tearing trying to lift themselves above water
While suffocating others in the process
But look around
The waters shallow
just stand up
Pick your friend up and walk on

What is okay?
Is it really a thing?
Are we ever really okay
Or are we just distracting ourselves from our hurt
There's something not okay with you and there's something not okay with me
But that's okay
I think
Maybe if we focus on others hurts
We can forget about ours for a while
Maybe i can smile for a while
Maybe i'm not doing okay

It's so much easier to say okay
Than to explain everything
Which maybe is nothing to explain at all i comparison I other peoples 'unokeyness'
Maybe it's just a bad day
Maybe I am okay

I hope you think of me like a 5000 piece puzzle,
Hope you feel like a detective when you talk to me,
Or when you hear about me,
Or when you think about me,
I hope you romanticize me into something more than just a human body,

I hope when we kiss your lungs expand,
Hope you think more than just lungs,
Hope when every inch of your body fills with energy
you think the chemical reaction,
I hope you think of me more than just a chemical reaction,
I hope i can fool you into believeing that
I am way more than what i say,

I hope you write about me,
Hope you can't get your mind off it because
you just need an answer,
i hope you find your answer,

I hope you figure out things about me
in the way i do my makeup,
Hope you try and find symbolism in it,
I hope you think me into a work of art,
Hope you finish with a blank canvas
because there is so much beauty in the unknown.

I hope you dream of dissecting me,
Hope you wake up with scars on your finger tips,
I hope i make you nervous,
Hope you think precisely of what to say when you're around me,
Hope you ask every question critically,
I hope you think i know exactly what you're up to,
Hope you hide nothing,

I hope you play word games with me
to try and piece together how my mind works,
I hope after all that time
you still cant grasp it,
Hope im always close enough to touch
but not close enough to get a firm grip on,
I hope you dig yourself a whole from walking in circles,
Hope you never say my name in fear of the tone being incorrect,
Hope you know ill always be here if you need me,

I hope you have no idea what any of this means,
I hope this has given your mind 3 different mining routes,
I hope you know i am buried treasure,
I hope you never hit gold,
I hope you never understand me.

today's my birthday,
but i don't want presents
today's my birthday,
but i don't want wishes
today's my birthday,
but i don't want to be older
today's my birthday,
but i don't want a party
today's my birthday,
but i already have everything i want

they told me that my mom loved birthdays
they told me she'd stay up all night
baking cakes and cookies and pies
they told me she planned parties months in advance
they told me she loved to sing happy birthday
and that she had perfect pitch too

they told me she made me her
famous almond dream cake
for my first birthday
smothered in coconut frosting
with one little palm tree
precariously placed on top

they told me that she
learned to knit
just for me
to make me a soft blanket
adorned with the words,
my little angel, cara

today's my birthday,
but i don't want it to be

today's my birthday,
but i don't want to remember my mother