Sure my dad says it outright
He wishes I were different
But what hurts the most
Is my own mother, lined with
Silent disapproval in her eyes
The frown lines on her face
What a beautiful woman
With a deep, hidden disgust
For her own daughter,
That's struggling to make her see
That she is suffering deeply
From the glares and stares,
From blank, emotionless faces

I would spend a thousand days alone if regret dismissed my company
I would return a thousand romantic nights for one with solace
I would take back all my kisses not to have your taste linger in my mouth
I would tell you all my secrets for your truths
I would let you hold me if you would show me how to let you go
I would give you back your empty promises for the hope I filled them with.
I would not want back my love for you, *have mine even if I don't have yours

December came on bitter winds,
I sat with frosty breath and frozen fingers
         along the banks of the Clinton River
in the dead of winter stuttering with shivers
     thinking how much I love this cold.
Drank from my flask a bitter searched the white
    horizon for the signal that you were still awaiting me
as I shriveled coldly, doubting, the wind
       could ever cease, or bitter
cold would ever warm or
     flasks would fill
and lied down.

I don't see a future me.
A me with kids,
A me getting married,
Me as a lawyer, like I used to want.
I'm not even sure
I'll get through this year.
It's hard to envision a future
when you don't have hope.

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,
and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground.
Dig them up, dig them up
…
"Wonderful part of the mess that we made"
"We see that we need them to be who we are."

I do not know you,
But this is for you,
Look at your friends
Their love is true
They cannot bear to see you cry
As they pray you do not die
As I look around
I see so many you have touched
You are loved beyond what you may know
So please Andy do not go