What Can I say
I don't relate to most
when i see on tik tok
or in real life
when they talk about mental health
and say well yeah
I had a tough 6 months
or a tough year or two or a few
I wish I could relate
Instead I just think
yes I am healing
and I am proud of my progress
but I wish that I didn't feel sucidal all the time
for pretty much my whole life
when the only relief i got was maybe a few days or a few weeks
on and off
where I am afraid to eat
where my mind races like crazy
where I am tired
but then awake
where things trigger me so much
and I sit there and cry so much
and If i was really present
it would probably be much more than that
where in the past 6 months
since my 26 birthday
I've had to cut off my brothers
"friends" and so many places
because they were so bad for me and
my mental health
while I am proud of me
I wish I didn't have to do all this
I wish more people would understand
I wish I didn't have to feel this lonlieness
so deep
that I have noone to talk
to but the cats and trees
who don't really respond back or care anyways
all I have is myself
and while I am learning to love me abit more
it is still oh so hard.
so yes
the fear aches so bad
it aches in my ribs
and I sit there and I feel it all
healing is feeling
and feeling can be really hard.

The walls echo
My cries
I used to be afraid to feel it all
Used to bottle it all up inside me
For the longest time ,
Now it seems all I do is cry
And feel really intense feelings
My face looks red from crying at times
But it also glows
From the joy of realization
And healing
Although healing is hard
It's priceless.

The day of yom kippur this past year
has been so very traumatic
that I never even wanted to touch on it
not in therapies not in my writing
but it keeps on ebbing and flowing throughout my mind
every day or two or so
and that when I met you again three weeks ago
you brought it up
how that was the last time you saw me
in my bikini
after one of the many ****** assaults
that happened that day publicly
had occured
you told me
you had watched me  go to  the pool
and watched me while I meditated
you remarked
how I have been wanting to tell you
how much I admire you
that even after something so horrible had occured
you went to the pool to meditate and sit with yourself  
how I learned  english
to be able to talk to you
how much I wanted to talk to you
for you are bisexual like me
and you understand...
I do understand your  soul and heart
so similar to mine
that you saw me at my darkest hour
and still saw my beauty
I wished I could tell you how much
that meant to me
how when I see you
even in my darkest moments
you light me up
I feel so happy
I feel like you actually understand me
I feel safe with you
for I haven't felt this way with any man
in the longest time
how all I want to do
is to take care of you
to laugh with you
to make sure your okay
how when we talked
it seems how we have many similar life experiences
how it seems from the moment I met you two years ago
you lit up a place in my heart
that hasn't touched me in a very long time
for my heart and soul has been mired from the extreme abuse
I have been through
how you saw my abuse and made sure
I was okay .
How you are so very sorry.
I just wanted to say you were the light
in my deep darkness
on such a horrible day like that was.

Ariella
Ariella
Ariella
I hear myself calling  out my own name
wandering
who it is
that I am
who is this beautiful person
behind those beautiful
deep intense eyes
I wander back
I am not sure I know
for my whole life
has tested me
pushed me so very hard
I never got a chance to discover this
who am I ?


I think I am discovering who I am
slowly
the more I heal from trauma
I see the bits and pieces
form together
the more I sit with my inner child
and teach her what true unconditonal love is
the more I learn how to be my own mother
to hold myself as I cry
to tell myself that I will always be okay
that our tears are valid
that when she shows me the horrors
that we lived through
that I forgot so long ago
that I forgive her
that I love her
that I feel the anger about my oppressors
that I allow myself to be human
and not just a painting to be looked at
jeered at mocked at
or wanted,

for I am human
and I am a being
and I am a little girl
a women
a person who has a huge heart
a person who sees the stray cats and wants to take them all home
who's soul is poetry who loves art
who loves men ,women the ocean the nature
the words from my soul
that want to be written all day
a person who wants to give the goodness to the world
but has learnt that most people aren't worthy of it.
I think I am amazing
its taken a long way
but you can get there
so when I hear my name
I know I am worthy
even if many others
don't think so
or see so ..
or don't understand the deep soul
that I am
for I am an old soul
and its okay
if they can't see
because I see .

my whole life
i was taught
that i must be someone
important impressive
that I must get amazing grades
that i must always look perfect
that I must get married young
and birth many children
to stay silent
while putting up with abuse
to stay silent
while the cult of religion
fed me lies
to not ask questions
to shut up
to not look at pain in the face
and  instead to numb myself
to punish myself
to force myself to be on a crazy healthy diet
to drown myself
to protect myself from my pain
that I can't ever be authentic
because noone wants to hear my voice
that I shouldn't talk because I stutter
that I shouldn't bother asking questions about the meaning of life
because nothing matters anyways
that I should cover my knees my legs my collarbone
my elbows
that a man shouldn't look at me
and sin
and that I am the source of sins.
My whole life I was fed lies about what it meant to be a women
which was mostly opression
I was taught forced opression
so its no wonder I mostly didn't want to be one.
Now I realize as hard as it might be
I don't owe anyone or anything any of this
and I can be a women
without needing to wear makeup shave or be submissive
or I can when I choose to be
I can choose to be my full self
even if others reject me
even if others try to shame me or dim my light
for still my whole life as recent as even last night
women have rejected me
ignored me and shamed me
and men have as well
maybe the lesson  is to love ourselves
so much  so that what they say or think
doesn't have to matter
that knowing ourselves
loving ourselves
and being kind to ourselves
is the greatest gift
we can give ourselves
for we come into this world alone
and we die and will be buried alone
for its okay to be average
in a beautiful way
as long as our life has meaning to us.

Today
AS I walked
I felt the pain
the tears
from years of self hatred
of feeling the pressure to conform
to change my body
my looks all the time
to gain the approval of society
of the "men" around me .
Of hearing my  mother's voice
shouting at me
that I shouldn't eat
so I won't be fat
of forcing myself my whole life
to wear clothing that was uncomftarble
to wear shoes that hurt
so I can be the perfect pallate
for the male gaze
so I could get married off
at a younger age
Today
I looked in the mirror
last night I looked in the mirror
and really saw myself
as a human being
so worthy of love
without needing to always wear makeup
dress up fancy
or cater myself to others wants needs or desires
that I am worthy of love always
that I am so much more
than my good looks
my whole life my looks have been so feteshized
I thought who I was
was how I looked
now it seems
the less I care
the more loved and beautiful I feel
for true beauty
is knowing our worth
and knowing that we are so much more than our looks
So I went out in a bikini yesterday
and I felt the water and the sun on my face
and I felt beautiful
for my body gets to live this beautiful life
no matter if its skinny
or not
I am worthy
no matter what .
What if we decided
that our acne was beautiful
our spider veins are marks of beauty
our freckles and our curls
are like marks of a rainbow
a beautiful one
left on our body
by a creator
to make us look unique
and in love with life
what if we all stopped trying so hard
to look like an instagram page
and started living our life
from our own unique grace talents and love?!
What If?