I never thought I could get in trouble for staying quiet.

It was a form of self-protection, I suppose.
A coping mechanism, you can say.
Every time something that brought pain or confusion or any complicated feelings,

I just
left
my body.
I'd be there
but
not really.

You can always get in trouble for spilling too much, I thought.
So if you don't say anything at all, don't let anyone in, don't let anything out -
You'd be safe.
I was supposed to be safe.

But when I was threatened with the psych ward for staying silent
I realized
that wasn't true.

I'm not safe
I'm not safe
I'm not safe

I'm not
safe
here
real
okay.
This is supposed to fix me,
supposed to make me okay,
why am I not okay?

I am
dying
dying
dying,
drowning,
asphyxiating,
drowning,
drowning in

Lies.
Lie.
That's the only thing I can do now.
Now it's all just lies,
I'm a lie
I'm a lie
I'm a lie -

Hah.
Don't you wish you never asked?

You left me.
But you're still here.

How could that be?

How could you be so close,
But disappear every time I reach out?
Every time I need you -
Do you understand that I need you?

To everyone else you act so real
But when I am near you fade away like mist into nothingness -
Like a rainbow.
You're full of lies,
You intangible thing.

Do you understand how you lied?
Do you understand that you left me?
Do you understand that I love you?
I love you
I love you
I love you

Just say it back,
I love you too
or - at least an
I hate you.
Anything, anything to prove your existence,
Anything that gives me some sort of sign of what to do, what to think-

You can't just leave me like this.
Please.

Reach past barriers
Fingertips press like a tender kiss
Or like your body when it melts into the ocean.

Inpatient
Crashing
Straining
And never enough.

Love me hard
Love me so it hurts
Love me 'till you can't
Love me forever after

I am fine
Go ahead, Turn blind eyes
Ignore the signs

'Cause I am fine
Theres no mental decline
And its not like I hate this life of mine

I'm fine
Totally fine inside the mind

When I say "goodbye"
For the last time
Don't gasp and cry

Couldn't you see past the glass lies?
Couldn't you see that I wasn't truly "fine?"

Or were you willing to simply stand by
Only caring to care when I had already died.