The last time I wrote poetry was the last time I felt love
Now I just find it hard to write at all
when all I think about is the people
Who constantly change
And I stay still

I just don’t feel right
I let things get the better of me

These past five months I’ve changed into a person I’ve never met before
And I’m constantly searching for the past me hoping he’s still there
He felt the most
Cared the most
He made me feel wanted and loved

Time does get the best of us all doesn’t it

I’m brought back to this version of me from 10 years ago
And I feel scared and sympathize with him
Over the loss of control
And having to change everything and start from the top again either it be relations ships
Or friendships
It’s always been hard for me

I try to convince myself that I’m no longer that person and that I’ve changed
But when I’m put in a situation where I have to begin again
I give in and become small again
And wait to grow back
Like a flower having to curl up as the moon sets in place
And very slowly start to open up, slowly as the sun rises up


I’m happy to have met everyone that I love, hate, long, and despise
Thank you for such an experience I’ll never forget to the day I can’t walk no more and have brittle hands and a bedridden body
...
With a big heart

After four years of not speaking
Hearing
Listening
Feeling
Looking
For you
I saw you today and wondered for a bit
How this long road stretched farther after that
How my breathing got heavier
How my eyes started to dampen
How my hair began to undo it self
How the light kept getting into my eyes
How I kept tripping on my way home
My shoulders started to weigh more
My head heavy
My sorrow more
I sit on the other side of the front door for minutes, hours, maybe even days not noticing  time move
Always feeling the same way I was when I was next to you
I whisper to myself
“You don’t know how lucky you are”

I prayed to forget all about you
Leave you
And to never comeback
All these things happened but,
I can’t stress this enough...that was love...true love

I went to go withdraw today from school
As I left and headed to my car
I heard a “hey Oliver”
I knew it was you, the masculine tone of your voice when you held me when I cried in your arms
I just held a peace sign and left
For the first time I heard you speak and my heart didn’t ache
Now I truly know, I’m free


(I’m leaving this suburban town, never coming back)

It’s weird...
Now that I’m no longer in love with you, I have no reason to write poetry
I don’t feel the nerve anymore,
I was in a trance

I wish to understand people
That when I have the chance to...
I don’t know.


I can’t get in your head
I can’t honestly see how you feel
But I can’t necessarily talk to you at the moment

Now as he mourns over the only man who would ever love him
He wipes his tears
With his hands now wet
He dips them to the ocean
He whispers, “As the water my bed and I tired, may I rest. Take me away. Let me be whole. Let me, let me.”
I wish to understand why he did what he did
But in the end...it was all he ever knew
Love, oh love
It can ****

To every girl you meet eyes with
I felt you’d love her for that  brief moment
But whenever it came to me
It was just a stare to you
Noting but a stare
And I question it every time

You don’t need to cry, or smile and show it off anymore
You can go if you want to
You can be what you say
If you want to be someone new
Change your car, your phone, your name
That’s all I’m saying for me

I linger for that smooth touch on my cheeks
From you
But I’ve grown from this too much to learn that I don’t love you anymore
And that’s it

When you **** a man in the name of law
You alone, have killed a man

“ I feel I can do it”
Is much more stronger than
“I think I can do it”
But knowing is much more harder to obtain, it’s the best out of them all

The sweet feeling of release
As we poured more lighter fluid.  
The more it would glaze into the thick air of spring.
We are young.
We are helpless to feeling powerful,
As the fire

8:58 pm
As I look up to the sky
In this endless void of something
I find nothing
And as the wind rages on
I see the clouds moving to reveal stars
I fee everything being pushed by this force
Even my love for you
I see it now
There’s always gonna be something than nothing
And when you feel it
It just keeps on coming
Like stars
Oh the stars

Today I’ll be happy
Today I’ll be happy
Today I’ll be happy
Today I’ll be happy

With or without me
I know definitely, you’d still be happy
And I need to learn it and count it for me aswell
In the end you’d always be my Angle
And to you, a friend

Angle, thank you so much for all the little things you do that you never know have helped me. I’m grateful to have have met you, I learned such a powerful lesson. Your by far one of the best things that could ever have happened to me. I hope you realize your own self worth and how much your loved not just by me but by your friends and everyone else who’s willing to give so much for you. I hope I can stop giving myself so much stress over this one little conversation I had with you, it meant so much thank you. I hope you do find that one person and be happy. I wish to you only the best and hope you see that too. Thanks for being there and listening to my ugly crying and sobbing. You mean so much to me and others. Don’t change yourself for anyone.
After all of this and everything I hope you see that you’ve helped me out too even in the slightest. And I hope our friendship relationship won’t change either

Watch,
As my crumbs collect back together.
Watch me,
As I change into the person I want to be.
Watch me,
As I do the things I love.
Watch me,
Grow into a better person.
Watch me,
Learn to accept love from others.
Watch me,
Learn to love myself.
Watch me,
Change not just my life but the world.
Watch me,
Dissolve into the soil.
Watch me.
Watch me.

I feel desperate enough to give somebody my mental being
Just so that I can feel equally returned love
Even for a minute

I get it,
I don’t need him.
I get it,
He’s not worth it.
I get it,
He shouldn’t stop me.
I get it,
I shouldn’t worry about him.
I get it,
He never loved me.
I get it,
I get it.

A hug from you after you say “sorry”
Is like a gift
But I need more than a simple gift right now

I want to wait for you
I really do
But it’s hurts me so bad
I don’t think I can take it

The best people
Hate, love, laugh, cry, learn, experience

It’s the epitome of what it is to be human

your yet to realize
we all go through something similar
we can understand each other more than you think

We must learn to understand the simple things
To really acknowledge the mesmerizing impact of everything that comes our way
Till then can you get a clear understanding that even the uneventful moments are equally to learn from

Though we were young, he placed a ring on my hand and said
“Alan, promise me this. When we’re both old and go our separate ways into life, know I will always love you no matter what. If we ever find eachother again somewhere in California promise me we’ll both fall in love again.
And know that you will be the only man I’ll ever love. Keep this to remember me by.”
I say, “I will always love you. No matter where we are no matter how far, I will always have you in my heart. Don’t forget about me. I will always love you.”

The day he left, we swore to never forget
Who and what we were to eachother
And although we never got the chance to marry
I ended up changing my last name to his

(Alan Oliver)
I’ll never forget that smile
And all he made me feel
It brings me solitude

We are the complete inverse of eachother
Yet I was still willing to love and fall for you


And I did
Knowing you wouldn’t do the same

I subclude myself from all
When I think to myself
I get lost in the moment of reverie
It might sound lonely and it might feel as if that
But that’s all I’ve ever really known
And I’ve come to call it home
The effect raised me well

You will never really know what you truly do to me
(Sorry, I’m sad)

There’s so many reasons to cry
The same way, there’s beautiful reasons to smile

I’ve never felt so lonely
I’ve never felt more alive

It was my second time falling in the tub desperate for an answer to come from you. It’s already been two months, but my mind makes me feel like it’s been years. I just shrug trying to hold onto the walls for support. I yearned for a hug, a meaningful one. The truth is I don’t feel loved. I don’t know why but I just do. What hurts me more is seeing you be happy and smile with her and knowing that I’ll never be able to make you happy like that. I want to be there. I want to be a lover. I want to make sure you know your loved. But you wouldn’t do that for me. While I’m on all four crying in the bathroom floor I scream “get up! In a way to tell myself that I need to move on. You were the one to say “I’ll take to you later”, that was two months ago. The last thing I can remember so far is the smiley face you wrote on my hand. I saved it on paper so that I can remember it and to one day burn it. Now that’s how I’ll remember you. Your hurt me and I took it. I knew what would happen and I did it. That’s how much I love you. My mental health is nothing compared to my love for you. But I’ll come to mind and heart and realize your toxic and leave. (I got up from the floor)

I’ve always been told to be a poster child
Now that I’ve become somewhat of it
I know the effects it has on a person
I’m now feeling the need to revel against the night streets
And no longer wait for it

It’s the complete opposite
And I’ll follow it

That’s the need
I tell myself to have and to be

I now have no reason to write another love letter
Its time to move on
Fragility is a *****, but i'm a bigger one
I deserve to be happy and smile
I don't deserve anything below that
You showed me that you weren't a lover
And I did what I did anyways
Now I have nothing to do but move on - Alan

I find myself in the pits of mediation whenever
I see tranquility in the scenery
In the same way to commit pacification with myself
It’s very liberating
But it just shows how fragility works for me

Only on these days can I feel sane
In a sense of a complete labyrinth
I’m surrounded by many things, people, and thoughts
I somehow forget about all of the people I’ve meet and felt for, and end up finding myself gathered at the grass viewing the sky
Saying to myself “One day, I’ll see it”

Me and a close friend of mine came to school early
And walked on the bleachers
Watching the morning sun burn through the thick wall of clouds
As we watch it
We both take turns screaming out our pleads and prayers
Hoping for something to change and happen

“Love hurts, the more you give.

(But that’s the thing, you need to give)

“Another’s perspective”

Dear beloved,

If only things went the way I had imagined them in my head
We would have fallen for something much greater than hate
We wouldn’t be ignoring everything except eachother

We wouldn’t be feeling the need to find love because were lonely
We had eachother but the distance between us was the size of a planet
“One day you’ll feel as if your unloveable, hated, and miss judged. Know that I loved you. Understand it and know that it’s not subjective it’s right there.”
I hope you get this and realize...something.

     To my dearest beloved

-Alan

I can’t even cry anymore
What was I thinking
It keeps happening
I’m too used to it now
Where did I go wrong

I hope you get exactly what your waiting for
I do
And I know it’s not me

“It’s a bad day, not a bad life”

As you force my head to the bottom of the bathtub
The waters already over me entirely
What do you expect
It’s been about 10 years
And it still effects

They used to think I was crazy
The would give me pills to “fix” me
I wasn’t crazy I just didn’t understand things
I was young!
But still I think it over and over that maybe I am
My own therapist quit his job
I remember just siting there with my head down listening to the words coming from your mouth
“It’s like he couldn’t help him”
I was young!
But maybe it was you that was crazy
You shouldn’t have to put anybody
Not even a kid through that
It messes with them

I wonder how many people got feelings for me
I don’t know anybody who would find myself  interesting
It would feel nice to know I impacted someone so dearly
But alas I would never know because I too am scared to tell

“I kissed enough bathroom sinks to
Make up for the lovers that never loved me”

Note to self:

Work on communication

In the end of the day
Somewhere in Arizona
The moment was just perfect
And framed like a picture
That now lays between papers and crayola markers
Waiting for me to one day look back
Smile
Laugh
Cry
And wish to be back

(Though I’ll never really know and understand why)

I don’t know what came upon me
I out of nowhere griped my body
As if I were holding on for dear life
Maybe it was because of the cold
Or because I feel somewhat morose

“our fingers are touching, you fake like you're blushing
cause laughing is easier than saying you love me
and maybe you don't but i think that you do”