◆

I knew I was so very lost
consistently trying to find my way
knowing if I'd turned a blind eye
I wouldn't have known I couldn't stay

The journey was very confusing
so I just headed towards the sun
Ignoring my changing direction
not realising I had come undone

Trudging further into chaos
praying I'd be set on the right path
I know I'm always running away
and never getting ahead of my past

Collapsing from the path
my spirit seemed to quit on me
or had I chosen to forget it
amidst my temporary insanity

It didn't seem to matter though
I'd reached a particular state of mind
top of the rocks at the bottom
without friend, mate or guide

You raised your face and held out a hand
I could see you clearly, at last and so near
your eyes spoke of our younger love
so many days ago, so many years

Hope was lit up inside of me
a certainty once again
I thought you had already left me once
but really you were always there
my husband, my friend

x

♡
If you were the last thing
that I ever saw
before my eyes
I would know
that I was loved
♡

I thought I saw a glimpse
of what could have been
a little flicker of light
in the years of darkness

The past, clouded,
it still mattered
but I'm supposed to forgive
aren't I?

Things are different
in a good and bad way
I thought I'd been given chance
to have some sort of closure
a peace, that could settle within me.

I foolishly thought
that maybe I'd deserved it.
I  could be left with memories,
of the pleasant kind
not like I had before

Her illness can create an ugly side,
I  know,
but I can't help but wonder,
is it just the part of her
that she so often tried to hide?
Now the Dementia
causes her to forget
to conceal the deceit

It's just too hard
it's too close
too familiar.
Emotionally
it costs me too much
I tried
but I think I'm done.

~~~

My eyes are Green
yet I see Blue
Grey/Blue like the ocean
when I think of you
~
My eyes can seem dark
yet I see a light
twinkling reflections upon the sea
when I think of you tonight
~
My eyes fill with tears
yet I see you clearly still
I'm crying for you to take my hand
I need to come to you,  tell you how I feel
~
My eyes softly close
but I hold your face so dear
clinging with so much love
I'll never see you again I fear
~
My eyes reflect the moon
it's a moon that we share
please walk with me under the stars
I'm leaving now to meet you there

~~

◆

I think I'll take my heart
and wrap it up
put it in storage
and wish it luck
◇
It needs to stay dormant
and on it's own for a while
the type of love it's receiving
is just not its style
◇
I'm really not capable
at this moment in time
to get the love it needs
or release it to fly
◇
It needs to stay put
for some time yet
there's others to think of,
their needs to be met
◇
So I'll carry on writing
about romance and love
keep dreaming about it
and smile and laugh
◇
I'll fetch it down when I'm ready
when I feel it's time
but I'll leave it safe
on that shelf up high
◇
I'll take my heavy heart
and wrap it up tight
let it rest through the day
and get a good sleep at night

◆

My heart is still there
but it doesn't beat anymore

◇

So you want my story
the story of my life
the secrets I have kept,
the many I've tried to hide

You don't want to know
the story or the tale
let's just not mention it
the past, on its ship did sail

I'm continuing to let go
of the past and the hurt
I'm a woman that's still growing
leaving behind the bruised little girl

One day I will be healed
and maybe sleep at night
hopefully before I've completed
the story of my life

◇

~

My nakedness
you cannot see.
Immersed in cool water
lapping, curling and kissing me
with soft, salty lips.
The most gentle
of caresses,
soothing
from the outside,  in.
I am bare
but the ocean is  protecting me.
I'm baring my soul,
wanting,
needing
to give it all,
but the current
carries it back to me
to where it belongs.
I am naked,
vulnerable
yet have never felt such comfort.

~

I struggled through a desert
a bare and unforgiving land
constantly feeling though
I had no one to hold my hand

Many, just weren't there
never offering to show me the way
so I quickly stopped asking
and got used to being afraid

Many years were spent
advancing painfully through the sand
trying to make it on my own
finding ways to understand

I couldn't help but take the long way
making it harder on myself
I truly believed I was lost
and refused to ask for help

Rejection is a cruel emotion
that I know will never leave
it grips from inside out
making it so hard to breathe

I may have found my oasis
really it's been here longer than I thought
but it's hard to recognise a safe haven
when rejection is all you've been taught

I'm still unable to see your view of me
from your ocean blue eyes
you say it's a sight to see forever
your love, never disguised

I stumble in confusion
as to why you see me the way you do
It breaks my heart and mends me
to feel this love between me and you

You're the only one to love me this way
forever keep me in your sights
never let us lose this love we share
that I see deep in your ocean blue eyes

◇

Seeing you on the other side of yesterday
you softly gazed at me
a memory I had forgotten
a sight I'd never thought I'd see

Hearing you on a silence from the future
you sounded like a different kind of man
I won't know what it is that you said
until that future is part of the plan

Tasting a sadness that reminds me
of a time that is still to come
I wash away the sweetness
that lingers upon my tongue

Inhaling an aroma of what was
I let it settle, closing my eyes
A scent of Springtime and longing
once upon a sunrise

Feeling you softly upon my soul
sending my heart straight back to you
my body is now yearning
my mind, so easily fooled

◇

My eyes were open

you saw me,  told me I was beautiful
and you'd never stop admiring me

My arms were open

you held me,  so gently but so tight
and swore you'd never let me go

My mouth was open

you kissed it so beautifully hard
I lost my breath, and mind, over you

My heart was open

you loved it, caressed it, stole it
saying you'd treasure it always


◆



My eyes are closed

they always are now
yet I still see visions of you

My arms are now closed

I hold myself together
until I decide to fall apart

My mouth is closed

the only words that can leave it
are 'I love you' but you're not here

My heart is closed,

I imagine, as I have not seen it
and I'm sure I never will again

◇◇


Place this gentle hand of yours
upon my heart so full
open your eyes,  I ask you
to see a longing you may recall

Stand as close as a whisper
let me inhale your seductive scent
as I look deep into those eyes
I'll know my dreams of you were meant

Touch my cheek so tenderly
upon it I'll feel your breath
I have longed for this forever
for 'our moment' I have always dreamt


◇

All of me is in this book
all I know, is in this book
my feelings, laid out and bare
with doubts, fears and cares

Everything inside of me
that I need to set free
overflow from this book

page after page ...

The beautiful loves in my life
that cared, just not enough
are here

The ones that I loved
yet don't even know
they'll never know
because it's too late

page after page ...

The way I want to be loved
how I show my love

Feelings of lust
the way I need to be touched

urgent
******
passion

begging when I need to be taken

shown and shared ..

It's all here

pockets of my life

each and every sordid stage

page after page ...

.....

This pain it has been written
so many times before
The frost now may be over
and I'm being warmed by this thaw

Can I pour my heart out
if everything's okay?
Will I find inspiration
if I've nothing left to say?

Is this beautiful creative past time
that's simply just for me
only permitted
if it's darkness I see?

...

He knows what he's doing
a cruel manipulative mind
An almost 'split personality'
greatly disturbed I find

I thought I was free
as one situation disappears
but now another has arrived
tapping into all of my fears

It has all the same ingredients
but now served by a different spoon
my strength and sanity tainted
a different person singing the same tune

Playing evil mind games
telling ***** lies
witholding information.
He's like a devil in disguise!

This to me is so much worse
than someone yelling in my face
It's without a resolution
so I sit here alone, and wait

I fear vulnerability
it's been a dangerous place for me
his actions take me back there
then through the fog I cannot see

The control is no longer mine
I've never even been close
I can be toyed with anytime
by a wolf in sheeps clothes

So how can I protect myself
when I'm once again a vulnerable girl
disabling rational thinking
causing my mind and head to swirl

Others around me don't sense the threat
He doesn't look a menacing case
but he's repeating abusive behaviour
deceit is written all over his face

It's a lonely,  frightening situation
I can't yet see a way out
I need protection from a loved one
who can be the one to stand up and shout

How can I explain
that this idiot really frightens me?
I'm feeling so insecure
I just want to be held you see

I want you to tell me he can't hurt me
you wouldn't let him so
just hold me a little closer
as I'm not sure that I can cope.

§

Men
shouldn't be allowed
to turn down ***!
Should they?

§

I'm taking a lovely trip
to the historical Roman Baths
there's hot springs and Roman temples
I'll be following the Romans' path

A mystical work of the gods (they thought)
built between 60 - 70 AD
illuminated by torchlight
An evening tour maybe?!

I'll pop to the house of Jane Austen
she wrote of romance and love
And 18th century style gardens
where we'll take afternoon tea 'til we're stuffed

The darkness surrounded her
She found such comfort in it
comfort in the elements
so raw and enriching

The breeze cooled her warm skin
and brushed through each curl,
carelessly
How freeing the sensation

With bare feet
her delicate impressions
visible
for only moments
as the moist sand
recovered its composure

Sitting reflectively
at the closest point
to the waves,
they kissed each toe
Nothing could ever feel
this natural to her,
a welcoming and wonderful calm
Isolated, yet surrounded,
by so much

◇

The waves don't seem to wash away the hurt
Scars of my past are ingrained in the sand for all to see
Salty water, desperately trying to heal the open wounds
but the sun is determined to reflect them back somehow. 
Maybe the past can never really be forgotten
I still hope with each returning tide, eventually,  
only the memories will be washed up
and not me

◇

We felt so young
never knew what would become
I'll never forget, I'll always remember

Seasons came and went
passionate nights we spent
never saw the daylight of December

So many memories we'll share
through life's journey without a care
You, my love, I'll always remember

Never did I think for a moment
my heaving heart you would torment
when you vanished in September

☆

She heard whispers upon the wind
and soft words upon a breeze
inhaled a fragrance on the moonlight
called out your name among floating leaves
~
She ran along the sensual sand
compelled by the crashing waves
fleeing from something so familiar
yet her fear was to leave this place
~
Eventually halted by the stars
as they lit up the life in her eyes
she remained motionless,  like the blackness
reading between the clusters and all they implied
~
The moonlight fell upon her tender face
a harmony of waves filled her ears
the sand between her toes would forever remain
as she clung to hope as a souvenir

☆

She used to be a poet
always with a notebook and pen
the words slipped away from her though
she wasn't sure how, or when!

She used to sit alone
enjoying the freedom in her mind
but the pen no longer writes
the notebook,  just a blanket of white.

She used to pour her heart out
blood oozing across even lines
Her soul laid out bare
no need to hide behind a disguise

She used to think it would last forever
day after day,  line after line.
Is it just a sweet fantasy
or have the words run out of time.