I'm not sure if he knows
that often, my eyes are without mascara
and lack the soft sweep of a muted brown

Does he realise
my limbs are not long and slender
and definitely not as lean as they once were

Is he aware
that my stomach is no longer flat
or even slightly firm but rounded and fleshy

Does he know all this
because each day
he looks at me as if I am beautiful

~

I felt such a wrenching pain
leaving you behind

How can someone die slowly inside
but go on living anyway?

The ache and torturous
tearing of my heart
deepened at the thought of you alone

Tiny traces of tears
still trapped between my lashes
mirror your face, your eyes
and reflected my bleeding heart

~

The Sun
gently warms my skin
caressing my shoulder
A warmth you once left

Will you ever be by my side again?

I wonder
at the stars
while the stillness surrounds me
Twinkling lights blinking
in tune to my hearts rhythm

Do ours still beat in tune
as they once did?

Alone,
in the shadow of the moon
I imagine the light upon your face
wherever you are
You are wondering too.

But is it about me?

◇

Seeing you on the other side of yesterday
you softly gazed at me
a memory I had forgotten
a sight I'd never thought I'd see

Hearing you on a silence from the future
you sounded like a different kind of man
I won't know what it is that you said
until that future is part of the plan

Tasting a sadness that reminds me
of a time that is still to come
I wash away the sweetness
that lingers upon my tongue

Inhaling an aroma of what was
I let it settle, closing my eyes
A scent of Springtime and longing
once upon a sunrise

Feeling you softly upon my soul
sending my heart straight back to you
my body is now yearning
my mind, so easily fooled

◇

A little twinkle of light
so deep now in her eyes
In her own little world
just staring toward the sky

Not knowing you are there
or worrying because you left
Slipping in and out of slumber
a tiny whisp, on a padded bed

Holding out her hand
towards a spirit from the past
Although I cannot see it
she confirms it within her laugh

Someone is there to watch her
offering comfort and love
People she has known
that left this world so long ago

They lift her towards heaven
for some respite from this place
Not taking her for too long
always keeping her safe

When He decides it is time
she'll go to the place she's already seen
leaving behind the tiny whisp of her
and I'll know she's been set free

~

Walking into the night
she hoped to find her way
with the moon as her guide
her past, mere footsteps away

She held her head high
the unknown future in sight
moving towards the new day
while disappearing into the night

So small, in this big world,
a girl,  with room to grow
turning footsteps into strides
within her eyes, a new glow

pieces of her she'll leave behind
never again to look back
Looking to a future she was meant for
she vanishes into the night so black

~

◇

Please don't wrap your words around her
direct them straight to her heart
point them in her direction
bounce them off each shining star

She'll beg you not to mention
words of longing or of lust
enticing her to look your way
words wrapped in cotton wool and trust

Never write words for a woman
as she'll take them to her soul
breathing them in like air
not noticing she's about to fall

Her heart is so very fragile
feelings, just ready to explode
fraying quickly around the edges
when she reads your first 'Hello'

◇

I've read, that through each
difficulty in our lives
we should learn a lesson

I'm not sure that I always have
but this
dear family
you have made easy

Your coldness, harsh words and ignorance
enabled me to understand finally
how life really works

and I know
that you do not understand my behavior
How could you having never asked!

So if my actions are misconstrued
(which they often are)
What a wonderful tale to tell
to all that will listen

However, when I get it right
a certain 'hush' falls around each
and every one of us.
I now no longer hear my name!

I  know it's not like in the films,
where in the end you'll find out the truth
Life, just isn't like that
That is hard to realise,  but I have

I hope to also learn
not to feel anger and frustration
towards you,
accepting that to a point
it's human nature

It is all so much clearer to me now
so I can allow myself a freedom
within me
that I was unable to access before

I have a beautiful space around me
giving me room
to spread my wings further
smile much wider
inhale more deeply
and see a beautiful horizon

I have truly learned
to appreciate those around me
who know who I am
I am trusted,
loved,
accepted,
flaws and all

Thank you for teaching me this
if nothing else

◇

Bleed your ink onto the page
bleed your pain on even lines
come back to me often
return, time after time

I am with you through each step
I am with you through the tears
follow me 'til the end
together for a thousand years

I watch you face your doubts
I watch you pen your troubled life
take me on your journey
where we'll reach for the beautiful sky

◇

I'm still unable to see your view of me
from your ocean blue eyes
you say it's a sight to see forever
your love, never disguised

I stumble in confusion
as to why you see me the way you do
It breaks my heart and mends me
to feel this love between me and you

You're the only one to love me this way
forever keep me in your sights
never let us lose this love we share
that I see deep in your ocean blue eyes

The darkness surrounded her
She found such comfort in it
comfort in the elements
so raw and enriching

The breeze cooled her warm skin
and brushed through each curl,
carelessly
How freeing the sensation

With bare feet
her delicate impressions
visible
for only moments
as the moist sand
recovered its composure

Sitting reflectively
at the closest point
to the waves,
they kissed each toe
Nothing could ever feel
this natural to her,
a welcoming and wonderful calm
Isolated, yet surrounded,
by so much

The eyes that show the scene
a scene of long ago
forgotten times
and distant memories.

A short story
told,
shown,
in black and white
imagining details
within our minds

but what of  the eyes
that show the scene
that made the moment

the eyes behind the camera
what of their story?

There's so much to be said
so much inside to say
each time the words begin to leave
I'm quiet, withdraw and pray

There's so much I could voice
many things you should know
each time the words begin to leave
I whisper that I should go

There's so much I could pen
all the wrong, no one ever put right
each time the words begin to leave
they disappear into the night

There's so much I should share
but is this really the place
each time you hear the lies
just see the truth upon my face

Even when I dont think I'm searching
I'm listening,
listening for a whisper of my name
upon the wind
A whisper that might have left your lips
lips that once felt my kiss

Even though I forget about you often
I'm remembering,
remembering that you're no longer here
your return is not in our fate
This, I accept, though I wonder if you know

Will you remember, not to forget
that I so loved you once
never twice
never again

You came to me in a dream
no dialogue exchanged, all the words has been said
I absorbed the way you looked
knowing I may never see you again

I gazed at a familiar face nearly forgotten
slowly, falling under your spell 
You could always see into my soul
and tell me every tale I had to tell

The seconds were passing too quickly
and knowing once more we'd have to part
I tried to view you through salty tears
once again my insides were torn apart

(Paul Weller inspired)

You do something to me
yet my ignorance is bliss
grasping this wonderful feeling
floating in a warm and scented mist

You do something wonderful
that stops my heavy heart ache
Look a little closer
to see my winding path to fate

You do something to me
I'm hoping there will be a time
to become a little closer
I'll wait here for a sign

You do something wonderful**
and 'take me there' with you
wanting so badly to fall deeper
heart and soul, through and through

□

It
is
possible
that
I'm
standing
a
little
taller
in
this
world
that
makes
me
feel
so
small

□

◇

I've already lived what was before
survived the reality of the past

Why would I choose to return to fear
(so close by my side, as it always is)

I've lived and cried the hurt and dread
It has sat in every single pore of me

Deciding on a future not yet experienced,
I'll head toward my 'once tainted' dreams

Carrying only, a reminder of my former self
and eyes that see hope and promise

◇

There's a path I've been walking
it's the same path
heading in the same direction ..

always.

It's brought me to here
this place
where I find another route
is now available to me

I'm pausing
not because I doubt,
but because I'm finally here
and it's been a long time coming

To be honest
I was never really sure that I'd get here
and didn't realise
that this path was here at all

This is only the beginning
I know,
to perfect this new way of thinking
I'm not even close

I know it's there though
and surely that's a start
a little closer to perfecting
with each new step

A few back
I may take
that's inevitable
but I'm still heading
in the right direction

Maybe I'll need to sit here
just for a while
and that's okay

You are the warm sun
upon my face

the gentle breeze
that caresses my curls

the reflection in my eyes
mapping out the entire world

You are the wondrous whispers
gently calling my name

the memories that linger,
I wish to delve into you once again

You are not here
it, now, I,
am not the same

◇

The waves don't seem to wash away the hurt
Scars of my past are ingrained in the sand for all to see
Salty water, desperately trying to heal the open wounds
but the sun is determined to reflect them back somehow. 
Maybe the past can never really be forgotten
I still hope with each returning tide, eventually,  
only the memories will be washed up
and not me

◇

She used to be a poet
always with a notebook and pen
the words slipped away from her though
she wasn't sure how, or when!

She used to sit alone
enjoying the freedom in her mind
but the pen no longer writes
the notebook,  just a blanket of white.

She used to pour her heart out
blood oozing across even lines
Her soul laid out bare
no need to hide behind a disguise

She used to think it would last forever
day after day,  line after line.
Is it just a sweet fantasy
or have the words run out of time.

I thought I saw a glimpse
of what could have been
a little flicker of light
in the years of darkness

The past, clouded,
it still mattered
but I'm supposed to forgive
aren't I?

Things are different
in a good and bad way
I thought I'd been given chance
to have some sort of closure
a peace, that could settle within me.

I foolishly thought
that maybe I'd deserved it.
I  could be left with memories,
of the pleasant kind
not like I had before

Her illness can create an ugly side,
I  know,
but I can't help but wonder,
is it just the part of her
that she so often tried to hide?
Now the Dementia
causes her to forget
to conceal the deceit

It's just too hard
it's too close
too familiar.
Emotionally
it costs me too much
I tried
but I think I'm done.

•

I'm still here
knowing I've never forgotten
you

Your still there
forgetting to remember
me

Do you ever
remind yourself to recall,
us?

I forget sometimes
to leave thoughts of you
behind

This time
I'll remember to
forget.

•

◇

Her name was Autumn
she held many exquisite colours
within her oval eyes

Ruby red flashes
as they caught the light
creating the illusion of fire

A glorious gold
in a soft shimmer
offering glimpses of forever

As you peered deeper
they enticed memories forgotten
Of her eyes you'd never tire

'alone'

That word

   'stands'

all alone

so small

yet its meaning

so enormous!

It's one of the biggest
feelings that I know.

The smallest word
   that shoots
  the fiercest pain ..
                        
  to our hearts

He knows what he's doing
a cruel manipulative mind
An almost 'split personality'
greatly disturbed I find

I thought I was free
as one situation disappears
but now another has arrived
tapping into all of my fears

It has all the same ingredients
but now served by a different spoon
my strength and sanity tainted
a different person singing the same tune

Playing evil mind games
telling ***** lies
witholding information.
He's like a devil in disguise!

This to me is so much worse
than someone yelling in my face
It's without a resolution
so I sit here alone, and wait

I fear vulnerability
it's been a dangerous place for me
his actions take me back there
then through the fog I cannot see

The control is no longer mine
I've never even been close
I can be toyed with anytime
by a wolf in sheeps clothes

So how can I protect myself
when I'm once again a vulnerable girl
disabling rational thinking
causing my mind and head to swirl

Others around me don't sense the threat
He doesn't look a menacing case
but he's repeating abusive behaviour
deceit is written all over his face

It's a lonely,  frightening situation
I can't yet see a way out
I need protection from a loved one
who can be the one to stand up and shout

How can I explain
that this idiot really frightens me?
I'm feeling so insecure
I just want to be held you see

I want you to tell me he can't hurt me
you wouldn't let him so
just hold me a little closer
as I'm not sure that I can cope.

◇

I miss you but I don't know who you are
Want to touch you but you're just so very far

You visit my dreams but we've never even met
It's where I always tell you how much we could have meant

Imagining your scent I close my eyes and slowly inhale
Fantasising of the sunset into which we could sail

The taste of your lips is a memory I'm waiting to have
Yet all the time wishing it's one I'd already had

Will your embrace, I wonder, ever be mine to steal?
Feeling your warmth, mending this heart that needs to heal

I'll hold this dream in my mind so tight and so very close
One day maybe you'll come true! I'll pray, and who knows?


~


Something is missing from deep inside but will I ever know?
Tell me where you are and to this place I will surely go

Within my dreams there's a place that feels so very real
A gentle voice in the beautiful distance mirrors the way I feel

The scent of Jasmine reminds me of a face I've never met
My heart remains loyal and my mind is already set

Full lips, I imagine, leaving 'lust' as a subtle taste
I reach out to caress you but lose the memory of your face

It's like you've already held me but left the imprint on my heart
I would readily begin searching if I knew just where to start

This fantasy, visiting only at night, will stay with me 'til death
and when I leave this earth, your name will fall upon my fragile breath

□
Why did I fight so hard
and for so long
to escape
from 'their' prison
when I've found myself
creating my own
and without realising it.

Negative emotions arrive
and I welcome them in.

I must break down my own walls,
stand taller,
walk right through
these self designed
captive thoughts.

They hold me
tie me up,
weigh me down.
I've allowed myself
to be confined
once more.

What was the point
in fighting so hard
for so long?
□

◇

I want to take away the hurt
from your face,
the struggle
that you're feeling
right now.
I am here
I'll hold you
so softly
and so tight
at the same time.
I'm offering my body
just to warm
and comfort you,
show you
that you are wrapped
in love.
I can make it better.
Feel the love
that I have for you,
only you.
It can make you stronger,
just
with love.

◇

▪▪

The warmth from your body
is no longer here.
It cooled so quickly
after you left

The flavour of you
on my lips
I can no longer taste
since you've been gone

Your scent lingers
but only in a memory,
so distant
now you're not here

Your voice,
I only hear in a far off place,
in tormented dreams
why did you leave me,  wanting?

▪

●

Who fancies coming to a party
as a pirate?
Please?!!!!!

•

~

My nakedness
you cannot see.
Immersed in cool water
lapping, curling and kissing me
with soft, salty lips.
The most gentle
of caresses,
soothing
from the outside,  in.
I am bare
but the ocean is  protecting me.
I'm baring my soul,
wanting,
needing
to give it all,
but the current
carries it back to me
to where it belongs.
I am naked,
vulnerable
yet have never felt such comfort.

~

I think I've lost a friend,
a feeling,
a thought,
a moment.
What ever it was
it came and went,
lingered, and then left.
I'm not even sure what it was
maybe it was a part of me
something that felt like a friend
one of those people
you know is just passing through.
So, I accept it,
I suppose
it's life
and these things
'happen'.

I just feel a little 'less'
of a person now
but didn't I always?

What will it take
to complete the 'whole'

Maybe I won't be the same again
Do I want to be?
I'm no different
just a little more
of who I wasn't.
But aren't we all?'

~

Vague thoughts of you
leave a lingering taste
on my tongue

Thoughts of you
'there',
memories of you
'somewhere far away'

They merge
so delicately
and with such
a tenderness,
yet are still laced
with a sadness
that lingers on my tongue also

Unable now, to remember
the exact moments
I'm trying to forget

Someday
I'll recall them
but will I want to,
will I need to
when all I have here
is the 'now'
a place
where the past will never be.

~

Isn't it so wonderful
that we have humour.
During difficult times or events,
it sees us through.

I attended my best friends,  mother's
funeral today.
Sue is her name.
It was harder than I expected
even though I've known her
for over 30 years.

As I arrived
my friend made me laugh
straight away.
(She has a weird humour,  
which is why I love her)

People joked about Sue's
stubbornness and
her opinionated ways.

I caught up with people
I hadn't seen in a while
and didn't realise they
knew her too.

And we laughed.

Thank god for humour.

God bless you Sue
x

◇

So you want my story
the story of my life
the secrets I have kept,
the many I've tried to hide

You don't want to know
the story or the tale
let's just not mention it
the past, on its ship did sail

I'm continuing to let go
of the past and the hurt
I'm a woman that's still growing
leaving behind the bruised little girl

One day I will be healed
and maybe sleep at night
hopefully before I've completed
the story of my life

◇

I count the grains of sand between my toes
Each represents small details in my life
Over time,  they've slipped through my fingertips
landing at my feet
The roughness reminds me of all that I have learnt
yet the coolness of them combined,
flowing through my inquisitive fingers reflects the moments,
like this,  that I'll treasure.

○●○

She desperately tries to fight
against the tide
knowing she's never been
strong.
The waves are overpowering.
Ignoring her struggle
they continue,  battering her
physically,
emotionally.
She is losing her fight
to get to where she needs to be.
Tempted to submit,
let go,
give in,
she relaxes her exhausted
muscles,
her exhausted self.
Holding her breath
and letting the current control her
she resigns,
just for today
and let's the tide decide
that it will take her
back to the shore.
Maybe she'll begin
to end it all again tomorrow.

○●○

◇◇◇

She loved a poet
who loved to write,
about her.

He scribbled,
took notes,
created stanzas
and perfected poems,
about her.

He wrote
about her sorrowful eyes
the way the moon
lit up the darkness
within her,
the way her hair
curled lovingly around his fingers
as if it was meant to be.

He wrote about the angle of her curvy hips
sloping gently from her waist,
the perfect fit for his hands.

He continued to write
during the days
her tears began to fall,
even as she left
for the last time.
He, sadly,
let her slip through his fingers
and continued to write.

◇◇

◇

When he saw her
for the first time
did he know
that he would break her heart?

Did he know
that the beautiful brightness
in her eyes,
that drew him to her,
would slowly dwindle,
fade?

As the lies grew,
the light died.
He really didn't
give her a chance.

Did he know?

◇

~

Pretty, soft scarves
are my 'shoes'.

I love to wear them
with every outfit
and have many
in different colours
and designs.

They just seem to
'add something'
to what I wear
and they feel
such a comfort
around my neck,
offering a warmth
that I need.

On Summer evenings
when it is just too warm,
very occasionally,
I'll wear nothing
but
a scarf

~

~


She saw him in the distance,
mistook him
for a man
she hoped he would be

As he stood before her
she still saw him
as he was in the distance

She didn't notice
all the tell tale signs
of a man
she hoped
he wouldn't be

She continued
ignoring the flaws
or was it just
'loving him'?

She may never know
until it's too late

~

My eyes were open

you saw me,  told me I was beautiful
and you'd never stop admiring me

My arms were open

you held me,  so gently but so tight
and swore you'd never let me go

My mouth was open

you kissed it so beautifully hard
I lost my breath, and mind, over you

My heart was open

you loved it, caressed it, stole it
saying you'd treasure it always


◆



My eyes are closed

they always are now
yet I still see visions of you

My arms are now closed

I hold myself together
until I decide to fall apart

My mouth is closed

the only words that can leave it
are 'I love you' but you're not here

My heart is closed,

I imagine, as I have not seen it
and I'm sure I never will again