I'll never be okay

Broken crayons still write but broken dreams remain shattered.

Sometimes your heart needs to be broken
So you can see what's underneath,
To the flicker and flame of your soul
That you've always been destined to meet.

Sometimes your spirit shines brighter
Through the glimmering light of your tears,
And when you arrive at the end of it all
Love will outshine the darkest of years

When did I lose my
innocence?
Was it when I let
the tab melt and
dissolve on my tongue
as my face went
numb?

Was it when I let
the water bubble
pulled out the bowl
and inhaled?

Or was it when
I rolled up my
first dollar bill?

It might've been you.
When you held me
down and ignored
my no's.

What ever it
is, I still smiled
when I met
you.

Now with alcohol
staining my tongue
and nicotine
rotting in my
teeth, your name
still lives perfectly
in my mouth.
I don't know
what's doing the
worst damage.
You?
Or all these drugs?

All of your toxicity
burning my lips.
Pills churning my stomach.
You are still there.

No matter
what stranger
I kiss
you are
still there.

I've begun to
think, you've
taken my all
and still
unsatisfied
you had to poison
my body.
burn and
monitor my
mouth. watching
to see if I'd
sell you out
for what
you've done
to me.

There is anger
vibrating through your bones.
There are explosions
bottled inside of you.
when will you feel whole?

I feel like me being loud mouthed
and wide minded
sets you off.
And in a matter of seconds
I'm the target of your fire.

I'm in love with a bomb.
There is no way out
with hatred.
There is no way out
with anger.
There is no way out
with fire.

When he is angry
it is his hand
on your hip. Squeezing.
When he is angry
it is his hand
in yours gripping.
Air-tight. There is no getting away
from a nuclear bomb.

Studies show
that a woman
will look for a man most like her father.
Which explains your temper.
Which explains why I can't look away
when you go off and pop like a firework.

I am in love with a bomb.
And I sat down
and locked arms with it.
When I decided that I wanted to love you forever.
When you went off
you obliterated me.
and gave me eternal youth.
Taking away every strip of innocence
clothing
and skin.
You set my world on fire.
Made me feel alive
while dying.
And I have no way to thank you for that.
I don't even know if
I should
thank you.

but here I am on my knees
begging for your forgiveness
for something so stupid.
For something so pathetic.
While you continue to belittle me.

I am in love with a bomb.
And when he went off
he engraved so many words into my mind
and "I don't love you"
were only some of them.