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 Apr 2014 Hayleigh
paige v
You told me you liked to get lost
in things you loved
but then you stopped loving
and never found your way back.
I miss you
Where I see hip-bones and ribs, you see my
fragile heart calling for you. I see three numbers
on the scale- 1, 2 and 6. You see the graceful body of
a free spirit that only you can bring back to earth.
You see unused spoons and forks and unopened
packages of macaroni and cheese, but I only see my
reflection in the silverware and how much thinner my
face is since seeing a 4 on the scale this morning.
I see dark circles under my eyes, nothing that
can't be fixed, but you see a girl waking up
at 3 in the morning and wanting nothing
more than to have you in bed with her.

You picked the wrong girl, babe. You're so right for me
but I want more than you can give
but who knows? Maybe you can give me
everything I need and more.
You promised to love me forever and someday
we'll run away together. We'll get on a bus or a train
with a little money and each other. You'll be wearing
jeans because I love the way they look on you
and I'll be wearing jeans because they're baggy
and you can't see how thin I've gotten.

I see us on our own, a little apartment just for us.
A sanctuary. Where we can run away from it all and
we won't buy a scale because
I won't care anymore. I'll look into your eyes
and finally see myself as you see me.
Because where I see a girl that needs to be saved you see a girl who could be strong enough to save herself
It is 9:23 AM and I'm not doing my homework.
Instead I'm writing poetry, wearing your sweatshirt.
You just washed it, so it shouldn't smell like you but it does.
It doesn't smell like dryer sheets, it smells like mint. It smells vaguely earthy, like tea and coffee and nutmeg and all the other smells that I've come to associate with you.

It is 9:04 AM and two teachers come walking through the door. You hold out your hand, and I take it. I could kiss you, but instead we are cuddling with my head on your shoulder and your head on my head and our right hands clasped in a grip of love and your left hand in my hair and your lips against my head whispering 'i love you, grace' and I whisper it back, my lips barely moving because it doesn't take much effort to love you, so why should it take effort to tell you? Our hearts beat as one and we breathe together and it's so much more intimate than anything I've ever experienced. I gave up my purity years ago, and it wasn't even close to the intimacy of sitting here with you.

It is 8:50 AM and you tell me to lean on your shoulder. At first you're tense and unsure, but then you let yourself relax into me.

It is 8:45 and I walk towards you in the hallway. You turn me right around and whisper that we should go to the couch in the corner, where no one will find us.

It is 9:30 and I'm still wearing your sweatshirt and I could've gotten things done but I'm so lovestruck that all I can do is write run-on sentences that refuse to turn into prose.

It is 9:31 and I'm really bad at endings, so let's just never say goodbye.
I'd really like feedback on this.
You slowly sink into my arms
and we are finally comfortable.
I absentmindedly play with your hair
and run my finger along the edge of your ear.
I kiss your forehead, and you kiss my lips.
You hold my hands and
our tongues get to know each other
more forcefully than ever before.
You start to play with my hair
and you pull me towards you
so that our lips meet again.
And then we are alone.
We struggle to be comfortable,
but then
I lie down on the couch
with my head on the armrest
and you slowly let yourself
lie on top of me.
You kiss me sweetly
and I tug on the hem of my shirt
to let your hands in.
They slide up my back
and I pull away.
you can do whatever you want
I whisper
are you sure?
yes
and so you take your hands
and let them wander to the other side.
You take your time,
but eventually you get there.
You hesitate
but I haven't changed my mind.
I can't focus on what your hands are doing
because I feel like I'm going to explode
I am a puppet.
I arch my back,
invisible strings pulling my hips to meet yours.
feedback? I don't know how to end this
You hardly ever say
I love you
instead of
I love you too
My lips are almost chapped even though I use chapstick more often than I eat. They are in limbo, halfway between being soft and kissable and being dry and raw. I don't kiss you as often as I'd like, even though I kiss you several times every day. Kissing you feels so good, because your mouth is warm and soft and moves perfectly with mine. The touch of your lips is tender and sweet, except when it's not. Except when it's deeper and more urgent and your body tenses up and presses itself against me and your arms pull me closer. Except when I can tell you want more, more, MORE. Except when I want that too.
            2. My chest is small and pale and I might be allergic to something because I've got a rash. My chest is always covered by some brightly-colored piece of fabric. It's only bare when I'm in the shower and to be honest that's where I think about you the most. With the water running through my hair and across my skin I think about your eyes and your shy smile and your hands and your laugh. My chest is what you'd call 'petite' but I love it because it lets me pretend I'm a size XS.
            3. My arms are skinny but strong. They're pure muscle and when I move them around, miracle of miracles, they don't jiggle. They're pale too, but that's ok. I'll get tan this summer. It'll probably be a farmer's tan. My arms have about a million nerve endings and I never knew that up until a few weeks ago when you decided to discover what drives me insane. And guess what? You found it. I love it when you move your hands around because your touch makes me light up but the light dies down after a while if you don't keep reminding me that you're there.
             4. My back is the only part of me that got tan. I was wearing a one-piece swimsuit all of last summer and there was a hole in the back. My spine has a 17% curve and I have a few blackheads here and there because I work out so often. I can feel your arm slipping around my waist before it gets to where it wants to stay and that makes me crazy. It makes me want to lie on my back someplace where we can be alone and let your hands go other places (like to the zipper of your jeans or the scar on my ear)
               5. My stomach is the most important part of me. I like to keep it pink and clean and empty. I'd like it to be pure muscle and curves because skinny is good but I don't know if I have the strength to make that happen. Whenever you touch my waist (or anywhere, everywhere), something stirs deep inside of me. I wonder if you feel it too, if you feel it in your stomach or somewhere else or everywhere else.
                6. My inner thighs are probably the only part of me I haven't let you explore yet. Don't worry baby, I promise I won't hold back forever. It's just that my thighs are covered in stretch marks and memories of scars and I don't want you seeing that because I don't want to hurt you. But sometimes it feels like you're holding back too because you don't want to hurt me. I'll let you in on a little secret though- nothing can hurt me. I have armor made of titanium and nothing can pierce it except for words meant only for me and little touches that no one else can see. But here's another secret - there's a pretty little gap between my thighs that measures almost an inch if I lean forward a little bit. When I stand normally it measures only half an inch but that doesn't matter because I promise that I'll make room for you when the time comes, whether it's tomorrow or next week or next year. I promise there's room for you between my thighs.
                  7. My calves are muscled and look hot when I wear high heels. They are strong and that's really helpful when I kiss you because you're kind of tall and sometimes I have to stand on tip-toe. Sometimes one of my legs accidentally goes between yours and then you have to hold me up and I give up and melt into your embrace.
                  8. My feet are always cold. I don't like people seeing them because my toes are weird and so I always wear socks. Except when I don't, but that's only when it's summer and I'm too classy to wear socks with sandals. I wear cute socks though. Flamingos and whales and polka-dots and owls and squirrels. I paint my toes with colorful polish. Right now they're teal, like my eyes.
                  9. My eyes are ever-changing, but always beautiful. They're almost translucent sometimes in the sunlight. Sometimes they're angry and cold and emotionless, and that's when I scare people. Occasionally they're the color of jade, a light green that you could lose yourself in. Sometimes they're dark green, the color of moss and the top of the forest. Sometimes they're light blue, reminiscent of the sky on a cloudless day. And once in a blue moon, they're stony gray and I use them to pierce through the facade. Sometimes they're dark blue, the color of the ocean and I let the boys drown in them. But not you, baby. I'll keep you afloat.
                 10. My body was never a temple. But you can worship me if you want.
if you read all of this, thanks :)
Even when I no longer exist,
when I am nothing but stardust,
I will still love you
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