She says " I want to die"
many people question why
she can't help to think about suicide
she feels like that's the only escape
her love ones say it gets better
so she waits
she says if she leaves it can take away the pain
and she will be walking with God down a golden lane
she tries to take the meds
but then she thinks about what would happen and taking her pain away by suicide
Then she realizes if she kills herself it wont go away
it will spread, to her love ones
it hit her
she collapse and cries
knowing she can't take her life
she won't get to experience life
and knowing its not a fairy tale
she doesn't live twice
she wont be able to see the good that actually exists
knowing she will never escape
that she will never be in a better place
knowing she can't sin
knowing she can't lie
knowing she can't commit suicide
shes just stuck in this world
she starts to become more sick

Its been ten years
shedding old tears
no one cant help her
she's already sober
she is just sitting in the chair
looking out her window waiting for this to be over

I miss the "we" we were before there was just me

I.miss.us

I ask you
"are you trying to fall out of love with me?"
You said
"no I'm not trying to fall out of love with you"
Then I asked you
"wait do you want to?"
Then you said
"no I don't to, I'm just living life as it does and seeing what happens."
Finally I said
"but maybe during that time you might stop
He stood speechless

I.  am.

told

that i come off as

a...
        sarcastic



                        *******

It's just that...
i.
have a sense of

humor...

Every year it's like I'm someone new because i keep breaking off peices of myself and putting them in the places i can never return.

I gave him a small chunk of the stone behind the cage we call ribs and he threw it to the ocean because keeping it in his pocket weighed him down

I've cut peices of my brain away. I whispered my thoughts to papers with ink laced words and everytime something new would form old bricks would break to make room for new ones

My emotions were stolen by shadows who said if you are anorexic you have to be underweight and depression isn't real we all just happen to be very dramatic. My hands shake not from this lack of food

STARVATION
But the anxiety that always leaves me hungry and worried about things i can't control. Like weather getting lost on the way to greet me and if these pants will fit today

The truth is im afraid to grow old. I feel myself slipping and i don't want to lose the me i am now. I already miss who i was and im afraid of what ill become because not being able to remember who you were makes me feel so hollow and full of grief that it rolls out my eyes and down my cheeks