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Alexander Apr 2019
"Why am I always so happy ", they ask," why am I always so positive" they asked. To be honest, I'm not happy, but I am positive.
If I wasn't I wouldn't be me.
If I wasn't I wouldn't be who they know.
I killed that part of me ,I had thought, but it's clear to me he dwells nearer to the surface then I thought.
I was once the personification, incarnation, incorporation, realization, manifestation, expression, representation, actualization, concretization, the very embodiment of pain and suffering. I lived it.
I spent years in pain, days without tears because I couldn't figure out what to feel worse about.
Then came the realization of the illusion I had for so long, I could have saved them I could have saved them all. Then the doubts, not only could I do nothing but watch in horrendous disbelief and dismayed as I looked around at the disarray, no fear, as shots rang out on the other side of the wall, only rage, pain and regret.
Even prior to that my life was an entanglement of people hurting people and me, but I never mattered in my eyes, not in comparison to what happened to them. To all I had to bare witenes to, all I couldn't save.
The understanding that life dosnt let you feel the way you want unless you force your self to.
So I replaced my sad face with a smile.
And replaced my sadness with an idea.
And I told myself I was okay.
But I'm in pain. I hurt. I exist to bring joy to life and life another chance.
I should feel proud and I do. But I don't have anything that exists for me. As I bare witness to all this pain destruction death sadness anguish. I can only imagine a better day. I can only force this smile, this smile that seems to fool them oh so we'll, as long as I am in plain sight nobody will see me for what I feel.
And nobody will understand my sunny disposition is a different type of depression. It's when you know you should be happy you can't feel like you deserve to be. When you smile but you feel sad for wearing it. When you laugh but wanted to scream instead.
I was destroyed. All that's left now is a mask. And that mask is mentioned for the worlds joy while my body is for the worlds pain. Give it all to me and I will bare this sin, this pain.
Call me insane but I'll come back to live again.
All I truly fear is myself.
I love everyone that disappointed me
And I remember all I failed.
May your life be better then this.
May you understand I love you all.
And my pain will grow so your smiles never fade.
My heart is with you.
My mind is gone.
My body all that remains.
This mask all that they will see.
Until I am no more.
Alexander Apr 2019
What can I say it's easy to love alot about you. It's easy to like everything about you. Ask me what I don't like you'll get a shorter answer.
Because I can't figure out a problem with you. I want you, I don't.
I care about you, I care more. I want to kiss you, then I'm over it.
I want to look at your lips, then I don't.
I like you. And the only thing I don't like is how much.
Like love care compassion want
Alexander Mar 2019
Here I am just hoping.
Hopefully, thinking about you.
Thinking about one solid day.
Thinking about what I have planned.
The toys, the blindfold, the cuffs.
Thinking of teeth and hands.
Lips and tongue.
Thinking of how cute you'll be, waiting to see what I do,
Waiting to feel what Ill do.
Blindfolded and ready for me.
On your knees.
On your back.
Feeling every inch of you.
Knowing I want you.
But no ideas as to what's in store.
Hopefully I get that day.
I'll be hopping for it.
Craving it.
Alexander Mar 2019
Right now in this moment.
I can't ******* stand it.
I can't fathom the things I plan to do with you.
Right now in this moment.
I keep thinking of my blindfold.
My cuffs.
My toys.
I want you to feel it all
The rush the thrill the want the excitement the lust the passion the care.
Right now in this moment
I want my hand around your neck
Your lips to mine.
Your hands on me.
Right now in this moment.
Tomorrow will be new and I won't feel the same way.
I never do.
So right now I want you.
So badly I'm insane
Right now in this moment.
I can't handle it.
Alexander Mar 2019
I won't say it no point.
I won't announce it.
I won't prep you for it.
No need.
I'm taking you here and now.
I'm going to taste what I crave.
Hear the sound I want.
And feel you move beneath me.
Alexander Mar 2019
My dungeon, my toys, my way.
She walks in the room, in heals , tied at the wrists, blindfolded.
She walks in nervous, but ready.
She's here to learn how I'll take care of her.
She's here to experience my ways.
"Im excited for you my good girl",
I tell her her first stance, " inspection" using my crop whip, whipping each body part until she's in her proper position. Legs spread shoulders width apart, fingers locked behind your head, eyes straight, chin up.
Examining her body, making sure she's fine, no bruises, cuts , or scratches, she's perfect her body is something to cherish.
Making sure she loves every moment, every touch.
I take my step back, watching her as she waits nervously for my next decision, her body twitching with anticipation.
I lean forward into her ear, a whisper," wall stance", she gives me her hands as I guide her to the wall," hands over one another in an x, legs spread shoulder width apart , *** up." , She follows her command, to the letter.
My hands pull her hair back as I lean forward to taste her neck.
She let's out a whimper, "are you excited?" She groans with a smile ,"yes, very much so Sir".
So I continue.
I run my fingers down her back, before the flogger , I let it drag down her skin gently for her to feel the cold leather, after that, the sting of the flogger. She let's out a moan after moan again and again as it strikes her," It's time to slow down".

I get my crop ready for her beautiful ****. I run my hands over it, spreading her,  as I examine where to strike my crop first.
I pull my hand away an strike, She loves it. She let's out a moan with each sting . I can see her now, so wet her thighs are dripping, it's time to start.

Again I take my step back from her, I take a moment to see her beautiful body.
Back stripped with swollen streaks of skin, from the toys she chose, so sensitive a breath alone warrants a moan.
Her *** paddled red and ready sensitive to the touch, just a graze of the skin and she lifts for me, Asif ready for more, ready for all I can do.
I step away rummaging through a box in the corner ,she stands resolute beautiful wet sensitive and ready, waiting.
I come back with a few objects. I place a toy on the floor and look at her, " next position ,table". I bring her to her knees, hands on the floor extended past your head legs spread , back straight.

I adjusted the toy into position, my hands on her hips I guided her down and onto the toy. I helped her, thrusting her hips up n down on it until she kept going on her own.
I looked down at her with a smile," good girl you *** for me now", as he began to ****** her knees went weak ant the toy pops out. " Not yet" your not done yet" I push her head down, " cross your arms", "lift your ***" grabbing a different toy I slide it into her, one hand gripping her *** as my thumb rubs her *******. "More?" I ask as I go slow with the toy to start, teasing her to speak up, "I'll give you what you want, if your a good girl and tell me", pushing the toy deeper she almost came again from excitement, I pulled it out and waited,,"yes,Sir", " yes , what,  baby",I waited, " I want to *** for you, sir", I continue using the toy until she's shaking for me her *** running down to the floor puddling around her knees.
Exactly what she asked for.
Alexander Mar 2019
Every single discussion with you is insulting and angering.
Every date becomes a new problem and way to micromanage.
Every moment we could be laughing your acting disrespectful.
And I know you really don't understand.
I know you can't stop with your violent outburst.
I know you can't help but insult me when your not happy.
I know you have your own problems I am not included in.
But they are destroying everything we can save.
They are tearing apart everything we could've built.
Sorry is past us but I thank you and cherish you for it.
Making up was year one.
Getting over it and seeing past your flaws as they make you ,you.
Yet none of that matters after year 4
Now your a bully, an I the kid to scared to tell anyone what you do.
You who points the finger, instead of accepting faults.
I'm done

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