Lies
          After
                      Lies
           ­                            & as much as I wanted to
                                         Believe  You
                                               ­                                                              **I couldn't

P is for pulse
racing pulse, pounding pulse
like the first time we laid in the grass
noses pressed together
a comfortable silence
and an awkward tangle of our hands
because we don't quite know how we fit together yet

Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.

2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes

3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss

4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.

5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.

Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.

you're the one with the psychology degree:
yet you refuse, stubbornly, to get any sort of counseling.
we cannot help you.
god cannot help you.
you are broken and you will not fix yourself.

you need to face reality:
your husband is dead
your son married a jew
one daughter is an addict,
driven to drugs because of you.
your family is splintered
because you tried so hard
to force them to be your perfect ideal.


but today is the end.
today we say "no more."

today, we turn our backs on toxicity
for good.

and i will not take another ativan because of you,
and i will not lose another night's sleep because of you,
and i will not eat another box of chocolate because of you.

i will not be civil to you again.
i will not apologize to you again.

and i will not
see you
ever
again.

she's got a gold gold cup of poison
all these words waterfalling from her mouth
she wants to anoint me, sister
she wants to make me one of hers

i'm a little rodent,
she says, she says
running, piercing my feet
on a star of david wheel

jesus gotta save me
heavenly father gonna save me

and i told you i don't believe in that man
no divinity
no star of bethlehem


there's one God for me, lady,
one God,
Adonai's my salvation
he blesses me just fine
don't need no holy son, lady,
Adonai's just fine

and i ain't gonna drink your sacrament water
there's no cross for me

Adonai's my salvation
Adonai's just fine

I remember waking up very early the next morning,
maybe three hours after I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I tiptoed through the house, careful not to wake anybody up,
even the guy who kept telling you to drink
even though you very kindly asked him to stop.

I'm not sure if you ended up drinking,
I forgot most of what happened that night,
but I remember shouting from the tire swing
that I loved you and that I loved you
and that I loved you.

I found where you were sleeping,
relieved to find no body next to yours,
and calmly placed a hand on your forehead.
You stirred, before gently grabbing my hand as it pulled away.

Eyes still closed,
you asked me how I felt.

I feel okay, nothing appears to be broken.

You said nothing and went back to sleep.
I said nothing and sat there for a long while.
I watched your chest rise and fall with each breathe,
and I loved you and I loved you and I loved you.

After a time I stepped outside to smoke a thought,
and the thought I smoked was not of you or of the night before
but of my mother.
She told me,
after I brought home my first date, two months into my freshmen year of high school,
that just because I desire somebody's love,
does not mean I deserve it.

I loved you and I loved you and I loved you
but I did not deserve your love.