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This journey
has awakened
something deep
inside me
for the first time
in my life
my heart is full
thawed
from the cold
with love
for myself
and the scars
that mark
my soul
will not
go untold
but instead of
ripping me apart
they’ll be let go
reclaiming my divinity
my tarnished spirit
is forever whole.
I can feel her pulsing
through my veins
she’s a silver sun
without a name
her love is like
a fire untamed
a burning breath
of summer rain
she bound my heart
with a silken chain
and held my soul
as she stole my pain
her loving light
hides no shame
between our gaze
there is no blame.
**
Entry ~
You were the first man that ever broke my heart. It was the day I was born. You held me in your arms and made me a promise that would rip us both apart. You promised to love me unconditionally from the start. But time passed and over the years those words faded from your heart. In the presence of a war when you had one foot out the door. There are vacancies in my memories where a father should have played a part. Like teaching me to drive a car, or telling me don't believe boys that say I love you from the start. Instead, I looked at every boy with tears in my eyes and willingly accepted every single lie, thinking maybe if I part my thighs they'll learn to love how broken I am inside, but they never do. Just like you they leave without a single clue and I'm left alone, used, wishing my daddy would have loved me too. And I'm not writing this to blame you, or break you, or tell you I hate you. I've made mistakes too. Ones deeply rooted in my relationship with you. And I get that maybe you didn't have a clue that your daughter was struggling in the world without you. But I relied on you to set the standard for boys I would let into my heart. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like a tortured piece of art. I learned to love myself of course. Over the years of ripping myself apart I learned to chart the darkness in my own heart. I don't blame you anymore for my broken parts. I'm healed from being angry at you. I'm writing this to tell you I'm sorry for failing you, and I'm sorry you failed me too.
The apple never does fall too far from the tree.
**

— The End —