Nine years later
I still feel everything.
Potent ****** reaction.
Guilt has caused
Riverbed cheeks.

This single image
That I've kept buried
In an attempt to leave behind
Is seared into my mind.

It plays out:
My mother is there;
up against the wall.
Pig-tailed braids
And slender in overalls.

Cowering
In hyperventilation
And sobs
Looking so child-like,
Cornered
By 3 betrayals in human form.

Voices raised in accusation
Ripping into her
In my bedroom.

Feeling ill and lost
I lie face down on the bed,
Covering my ears,
Screaming.

Blocking out
The family fight
Chaotic and ferocious,
Like worlds end
Crumbling my foundation

Only feet away
Words like daggers
Slathered in anger,
Hate, and distrust.

I couldn't handle
Seeing my mom like that;
Bullied, scared,
And broken down.

Hated and attacked
By a husband
Who vowed to love and protect her;
By a son-in-law
Who was meant to respect her;
By my sister
Who was first-born to her.

All because a misunderstanding,
A rumor,
A lie.

And I,
Too young to understand
What this meant,
But who knew the truth,
Didn't come to her rescue.

And now she
Is outcasted and alone
And I
Can't wash myself
Of this searing recollection.

21 years old
I still find myself
Lying face down,
Covering my ears,
Screaming.

Little unforgivable creature now.
Grime of the Scottsdale mellow.
I never belonged here;
not in this magnificent, foreign place
where they grew;
not in the calm and relaxation
their family, wealth, and happiness offered.
Not me.
Family history: poor and dysfunctional.
Personal background: self-destructive and anxious.
Still I was offered an opportunity
to become someone better,
a step up from the wasteland I knew,
and most importantly,
a new home without memories.
I clung to this safe haven
and hid myself away.
thinking I was clean,
I built walls in my pretty new refuge
to keep the tarnish away.
I wasn't clean then.
I'm not now.
I brought this filth with me,
under my nails and in my clothes,
in my memories and between my toes.
It festered and multiplied,
perfecting this chaos in time.
Now again, I seek escape,
from all these mistakes
that were made along the way,
to any foreign world...
or sanctum without a cage.
I thought I was better than this!
...And yet like a snail,
I have left a trail of slime
all while mistakenly thinking
I was leaving it behind.
.

Blood work. Glucose tolerance tests.
Appointment following appointment.
Cat Scans and MRI's. Radioactive liquids to ingest and fainting spells.

An awful rendition of some woeful soap opera is playing day by day updates on what is ailing my seemingly healthy shell.

Maybe it's hypoglycemia? Maybe it's not. Maybe the oxygen that my brain is writhing for isn't being delivered because options A,B, & C are the direct result of head trauma age 14. Or was it 18? Forgive me; I can't recall information lately.

I'm not even surprised that somewhere within my cells the ATCG format to my beautiful helix strands aren't aligned. I suspected.

Instead I go through  phases of crashing emotions. Each wave more dizzying than the last. Maybe that's my blood pressure plummetting again?

In any case, the most consistent emotional response I experience is not questioning what, but considering the maybe. Maybe I deserve this? Yes. This may be what I deserve.

Adrenaline gripping me
Desperation settling
Aftershock recollection
Magnificent desolation
I plead with myself
Don't think about the crash,
The broken memories need rest,
Or the rush
Like a roller coaster ride
Yet I'm still alive
In wonder
I have briefly touched the edges of Hell
Yet I survived
I've bottomed out and crashed
Welcomed death with blurry whiplash
Yet my lungs are still contracting
Twice in three days
I have uttered my last words
Yet I'm still breathing
I'm still alive
I survived
I have cheated death
So for now I am happy to lie and rest
Honestly, I am to happy just to breathe
For surely
(In the future)
Death will want revenge on me.

In that moment

Mouth agape.
Teeth grazing.
Nails raking.
I swore oaths into your flesh.
Not of bows wrapped around "forever"
But
Shamefule secrets
Coy eyes revealing disguise after disguise
Pinky promises of infedelity
Avenues of a jaded mind
Alcohol induced cynical soul
Lemon twists and paper cuts
Hardened by every excruciating ***** up
And yet
In that moment
I found a second of redemption
A moments peace
And that was more than enough for me

In that moment
I truly felt you for the first time.
Your breath rolling over my neck,
your hands grasping my waist,
I wanted to keep that still-frame forever.
It felt invigorating,
as if you were bringing life to the dead.
You offered pulsating veins
and hyperactive breathing
in contrast to a world
that only desires
to watch its victims suffocate.
I stole and absorbed every moment,
like oxygen to spasming lungs.
I became a maddened catalyst
with an insatiable craving,
driven by my new found ability
to feel this breathless seduction.
I tried memorizing
every pore on your skin
while I took you in.
Inhaling as deeply as I could;
I held you there
in my lungs.
But now that the end has arrived
I only feel distance
and empty space
the product of reality,
and carbon dioxide flooded veins
Too afraid to breathe out
in fear the air
will have disappeared once again.
Possibly forever.


You are ******* unforgettable.

I wish to cancel my subscription please
this simply isn't working for me.
Pill regiments and appointments
I stand firm yet am frightened.
Cancerous lesions wreak havoc.
Completely unexpected.
An endless myriad of questions,
Vague answers in poker face expressions.
Once healthy cells are disfigured.
Now thick walls with spiked exterior
Latching to its next cellular host to fall.
Aftermath exponential...
Sharp, shooting pain and exhaustion,
Observe my internal destruction.
I wish to cancel my subscription please
This simply doesn't work for me

In moments such as these
My skin aches with recollection
Of how it was when passions ran high
And silence was filled with devious, knowing eyes

In moments such as these
My mind strains to find a masterpiece
Anything that will gather your attention
From the mundane distractions its lost within

In moments such as these
My questions begin in endless ovals
Pushing adrenaline and anxiety as I wonder,
"Is this really what I'm resigning my youth to?"

In moment such as these
I lie in silence searching for a revival
But now the quiet crushes me
And any eye contact is dull, disappointed, and droopy

Distant revelations of bitter refuel
A great friendship torn by disappointment
Jealousy has come from hiding
Driven out motivation in its confiding
I feel like running away now
Starting over new
Which is what I thought I was doing
When I started this with you
Tucked in my pretty new hiding place
Only to find my problems staring me straight in the face
Its sick how everything is not what it seems
A land of calm devotion is tearing at the seams

My whole life
I lived amidst chaos,
emotional roller coasters,
and confusion.
I lived in silent grudges,
violent outbursts,
and self mutilation.
I lived in motion,
never calm,
always packing.
I lived in two homes
each broken
always conflicted and lonely.
I pleaded with my sanity,
begged for release,
and drank for a moments ease.
I submitted to labels...
like victim...
unfortunate...
suicidal...
I fought nightmares,
hatred,
and sick obsession.
But now....

I'm older now...
I live with a yapping dog
and two annoying cats.
I have chores
that don't seem so daunting
and bills I am almost elated to pay
I sit in silence now,
stretching for yoga
and meditating.
I find my greatest stresses
are finally things like
finals week
and cold tea.
I could cry daily,
in silent testimony,
and sometimes violently,
FOR JOY,
not darkness.
I can breathe easily
and sleep dreamlessly.
I have never been so happy.
I have never been so at peace.
I have never been so able
just to be.

I've spent my day lying in bed
Attempting to find peace for my soul.
Run thin by anxiety,
Tattered by endless hours,
Repetitive thoughts and fears
Chewing at the fabrics of my calm demeanor.
Making an unwaivering decision was never my strength.
Monumental moments...
Life altering in every aspect...
And all i can think about is the aftermath.
Yet a choice must be made
because in all honesty,
I don't think I can take this anymore.

Solemnly watching the days pass
In bitter, half-asssed attempt at resolution.
Twisting hair and magical despair.
The high was enough to get me here.

Now the peak has long since plummetted
Silence symbolizing the drawn out mistakes.
Friendships faded into hate.
Begrudgingly facing lonely spite
These decisions cant be hidden with another lie

Between all the photo uploads
That scream with ostentatious desperation,
"Hey! Look at how many people love me!"  
"I'm so happy!"
I check my social media sites frequently.
Almost as if thinking,
"maybe in the last ten minutes
Something drastic will have happened...
And just maybe this happening
will suddenly give my life meaning once again."
But when I see that Facebook has not, in fact,
thrown me miracles,
I scroll through these uploads and tags mindlessly.
They seem to mock me!
Almost as if screaming,
"You're drowning your youth in ***** and loneliness
behind a charade of shallow interactions."
It makes me sick.
Because as I stare at these faces,
Smiling and chipper,
With their hugs and their memories...
I have never felt so utterly alone.

Falling ashes from a smokey sky
Reveal memories of a younger life
Hopes I dreamed whither and fall away
I agonize for one more day
Then his eyes invade my deepest thoughts
Tensing with the remnants of shattered trust
Brutal replay better left forgotten
I rendered a scarred heart, forced to toughen
Nightmares seeking safe release
This is what his warm embrace promised me
When his kiss sunk beneath my very soul
I let go and finally became whole
Through the beat that pulsates in his very chest
One shaking breath more,
one fleeting beat less.

Residing within
Habitual barricades
I try my best to shy away
Hyperactive mind
Seeking serotonin highs
Constantly craving
Wandering whimsy
Beyond lulls of the mundane
I'm still hiding from the strain
In shadows and lies
Constantly alone inside
But this fortress is my home
And I have nowhere else to go
So I keep my head down and hold the peace
For one way or another, I will find release

Officially replaced.
4.0 version ready with sarcasm and wit
Honesty and nerd culture backing her smile
Self-assurance is such a beautiful tool to utilize
I wish I had known that then
I wish a lot of things though...

I'm sorry I was never like the lot of you

Ive neglected you.
Hiding soul from ashed excitement
having once been a fierce blaze.
But now I'm here...
finding that highs are evanescent;
a fugacious, dalliance.
And i,
the common denominator holding
all these riddles where they lie,
am simply trying to grasp this intangible
beauty by strength of hand.
Yet it is in fact something like fine sand.

If you burn it too hot, it transforms into glass.
Sharp
Edgy
**Glass

I'm angry in your absence.
You who offered me new views and fortitude
But who took his leave
Your laugh still resonates within my skull
Still frame images swim endlessly
Your words are all I have now
And the Sound waves make my ears ache
When my eyes close tight,
Its like hitting replay
Reverberating from synapse to synapse
Forever there within my thoughts.
Only there is no rewind or pause
Because this is real life...

It only feels like its a movie...

There it is
The most beautiful human I've ever had the pleasure of meeting
And he is all mine
How cruel
This will be the most painful reality check karma has ever offered a a dishonest wreck like me

I thought heartbreak came in the end...
No.
This is a different poison;
A long and drawn out trick.
I know there will be an end.
One which I deserved long ago
and that ...
That is the truest heartbreak.

He is attempting to recall
the happy times...
Somewhere in the trenches
of his mind,
he sifts;
seeking the lust for adventure
he once once harnessed.
Because somewhere along the way...
Through two bitter divorces
and years of living paycheck to paycheck,
and working two jobs,
trying to provide for three girls,
he lost his youth.

I spend many hours away from you,
breathing deep flavored tobacco
amidst a sea of humorous conversations.
-  The ones I always wanted with you  -
I admit I am guilty of neglect.
But to be honest,
I seek you out in surrounding faces.
Maybe there I will find the carelessness
you paraded as youthful exuberance.
And maybe then, I won't know them well enough
to understand how destructive their actions
truly are.
Or maybe I will just pretend I don't notice this time...
Because to be honest with you,
in all of our space,
I never truly stop thinking of you.

I wish I could remember the finer details.

Like the way his face would hold his smile as if it were more natural than frowning. The way his smile would brighten his already dancing eyes.
The humorous play on words his mind would offer.

I wish I could remember the finer details.

Like the way he walked up to me as if he were on a mission.
The way he didn't doubt the words springing forth from his smile.
The way he made me spin from dreary to feeling like the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen.

I wish I could remember the finer details

I wish I could remember his face

I wish I could remember the finer details

Bright eyes
What a lovely surprise
Sugary Sweet
Just you and me
Emotions run deep
Child-like trust
Shown through love
Shown through lust
Just like a dream
Together forever it seems
Ocean tide rhythm
In sync
Trust me
I'll be there for you
If you'll be there for me

I am freeing myself of your cruel talks
no longer a captive to your opinions or flock
Finally independent of the chaos we spawned

But there is a twist in the truth of the surface beyond;
you are the catalyst for my actions somehow.
Like when i find *** appealing, its for the reassurance now.

i allowed you to desecrate my self-image
Never again. I'm transforming our wreckage.
But the irony in the truth is thereupon

youre what my motivation is based on.
only this time i find what you hated,
trump it for him, and trust me when i say, he loves what ive recreated.

1.) Squishing fluffy flakes beneath boots on snowy grounds
2.) Curling into warm open arms for sleep or to lounge
3.) Hot breath on the back of the neck
4.) An excited dog bounding into your chest
5.) Exhausting hikes worth every heave once the summit view has been reached
6.) Frightening free falls from 13000 feet
7.) Showers. Showers. Showers.
8.) TV show marathons
9.) Comfort beyond what has ever been known
10.) A sense of normality and peace of mind
11.) Pushing to reach that top rock in time
12.) Aiming to fire for the T-Box or 10
13.) Coming home to you again
14.) Learning the geometry of pool
15.) Dancing renditions and keeping cool

I have so many reasons why I'm thankful for you.

.

I am accepting your absence
A void within my bed
The chill within my hands
A gnawing loneliness in my head

It's clear to see
in dull, daily repetition
Ive grown stir crazy
eyes only seeking expedition

Adventure awaits
on the horizon and in the sky
Yet I'm home in my cage
sighing as life ticks by

I used to believe
your presence was my anchor
but lately I've come to see
that I'm the common denominator

I found a new rush
falling from 13,000 feet in the air
My first time on a plane
free-falling after a soul
whose passion for life
proved to be as invigorating as the dive
falling from 13,000 feet in the air
I found a new rush

I hope you find what you were looking for:
In grand conversations held in my absence
& all of her extravance.
I hope you find what you were looking for:
Who can offer you her support & honesty;
I know you didn't have that from me.
I hope you find what you were looking for.
Romance and adventure;
The stuff we failed at together.
I hope you find what you were looking for:
Personal growth & confidence
With belly deep laughter and happiness.
I hope you find what you were looking for.

I wonder
when he says I would look beautiful
with darker hair
if hes thinking of
any of his previous lovers