I listen to these songs
one after the other
playing on my playlist
But each of these songs
hold tags of memories
The memories I live everyday through them
Well, there is a memory of a boy
Not a man
whom I liked
Not loved
And that one song looks like him
The song I played
As I passed through those corridors
to get a glimpse of him
But here I am humming ' Heather '
As I see his girl
laughing by his side
I never imagined myself at 'her' place
But he looked beautiful from a distance
It gave that restless heart a kiss
It felt good...
So now I don't look at the boy I liked
But his lover
What 'she' wears
How 'she' talks
Her demeanor, that attracted him
I am not jealous
But 'she' makes me curious
And I feel like learning about 'her'
Turns out, Khaab was better than her
But still not in 'her' place...
I can't get jealous
I never had that right
Because I liked him
from a distance
He is not my moon
But he looked charming
'She' loves him
And sees his flaws
They love each other everyday...
And that can not be me
As loving is tiring
I do not love everyday
But I do hate this flesh everyday
How could I be 'her'?
When I don't love myself

And I get back to those songs
Where I feel like the protagonist
The unloved one
The one, some call ' The villain'.

I don't know what I am these days...
I lay in the dark room these evenings...
Trying to understand...
If it's the rain outside...
or the sound of my dream...?
But I know one thing...
I saw last night in the mirror...
There is a mask I wear...
There is a secret I hide....
But for how long?
For how long...will they stay in a mirage?
Will they care, once they know about it?
I don't know....
Or will I become a genius at hiding?
And this secret will burn away with me...
These days I tell myself...
That may be I am not an ocean
but a puddle on the street...
I am in a maze...trying to find
the purpose of this life...
It is annoying...
Why can't I go with the flow?
Why are these thoughts questioning everything?
These days I am living more through the dreams
Like walking around that empty library...
with wooden tables and shelves...
And listening to that unknown Korean song...
Hearing voices and not moving
as I sleep in the dream...
It has been weird lately...

Is there a meaning behind everything?
Or am I just squandered?

I remember being surrounded by those kids...
who had that shine of future in their eyes...
The eyes which looked like leaves holding raindrops...
They had a vibe of progress...
Their words had some unrealistic terms...
I never understood...and may be I still do not...
I remember how hard I tried to fit in...
among those futuristic kids...
But how could I?
When my eyes always carried a flame of past in them...
The past I would never want to leave behind...
There is always something in that basket...
It holds for me...something new...
I never think about me growing old...
I think the world would end by then...
But this past...
feels like that lost treasure in sand...
The mysteries of life have been solved...
at the stations of past...
where answers have waited for me...
to pick them up...
I have a past...a precious past...
There is something I can never leave behind.

Please be kind to me...
I am learning...
learning to suffocate the voice of my feelings...
I am learning ******* them slowly and steadily...
I had dug the first grave last night...
And today morning...I put them in the coffin...
My eyes were empty...as tears laughed at me...
I was told," expectations hurt..."
But why does it feel like this everytime?
I am there...always there...
prepared with my shoulders...
the shoulders, whom I have been teaching
that they are here just for others...
The shoulders I am trying to make stronger
with each coming day...
I want them to be so firm...
that no matter how heavy the head is...
they don't break down...
Then, where did I go wrong?
May be it's my tounge...who is to be blamed...
The words laying on it...may be hurt them...
But why can't they...for once...
understand the intentions of my soul
A soul which not tired...living behind this bark skeleton
This is where it is...
How can I even expect this ?
May be...I am the one to blame...
So...Please be kind to me
Because I am still learning...
learning to make the grounds of heart fertile...
Because a forest holding secrets is supposed
to grow there in the future.

I met a man like moonflower...
The air was filled with his vintage aroma
But the petals bloomed fresh....
I looked at him in an awe.
As I had a history of meeting sunflowers...
I told him with a smile...
I had never seen one like him before.
There were questions in my head for his town's soil
With some painful happiness in his eyes...
A satisfaction in his heart...
and a smile on his lips...
He said," We grew like wild vines...
My gardener forgot my location..."
Through his hazel eyes...I saw his seed soul...
standing all strong...
"How you turned out so well then?"
I asked him.
"I didn't have the sun, but the moon
never left me alone..."

The wind had begun to whisper...
As I saw his white petals bloom
under the moonlight.

The ones you love the most...
will hurt you the most...
A stranger holds no power...
to even make you rethink...
But...now I am tired...
tired of waiting...for this winter
inside me to end...
I don't want to get hurt anymore...
I will make it till the end all alone...
But...this pain...I want this to leave...
Expectations hurt the most...
And I know myself...
A loser who daydreams...
spending days writing useless poems...
People like me...have no value in the real world...
So...I live in a world of my own...
I am tired of putting on playlists...
of all those songs...
to fill this vacuum...
But...I can't understand if it's inside me
or this place?
Something...in my throat...chokes me
I feel like puking...to get rid of it...
A pain underneath my heart...
A lot of my verses hold it's account...
They ask me to write something new...
But...this pain never ends...
I ask them with tears in my eyes...
"What should I do?"
I have no answers...to any question...
I am a useless being in this world of
brilliancy
Oh...I just realised...
I am lonely again.