You say "I know" when I tell you in the beginning that as much as I hope this lasts I don't think it will. I laugh because I dont think you do. Do you understand?
We are watching TV together on the couch and suddenly I get up and leave and I don't talk to you or see you much for a while. Do you understand?
It is 2 weeks after I left you on the couch and you watch the words fall out of my mouth as I tell your our relationship is over. Before I can even finish the first sentence you interrupt me and apologize for whatever you did wrong and I try to convince you that you didn't do anything wrong. Do you understand?
After we broke up we didn't talk for a while. Over the summer we become friends again and as the days get hotter and more humid I watch you fall in love with me all over again. We are sitting in your car in a near empty parking lot and I am watching you try to form the words into a sentence. I make rambling small talk about things neither of us care about because I know if I give you the chance to talk you are going to ruin it. Do you understand?
The air is starting to cool and school is around the corner and summer is coming to an end. And suddenly you are ruining it because there is no more small things for me to ramble in about so I have to finally give you the chance to speak. We are outside of my house standing on the stoop. Well, you are standing and I am sitting. I am sitting because I have known for a while now that you are going to ruin it so when you text me that you are coming over I take 4 shots of tequila and wait for you to knock on the door. Do you understand?
You know that I've always wanted a Venus fly trap so you buy me one for my birthday. It dies before you can give it to me. Do you understand?
I am drunk at a party with my friends and you are drunk at a different party with your friends. They are calling me to tell me that you love me, they are calling me to ask why I don't love you. You are calling me to ask if I love someone else. I am laughing and then suddenly you are calling me a stupid ***** and telling me that I should feel lucky because I'm not your type and you hate everything I believe in and fight for but you love me anyways. And I think back to the beginning and how ironic it is that you were the one saying "I know" but out of the two of us I was the one who knew how this was going to end. Do you understand?

I miss writing and I miss photography but my insides are so ******* sad I can't breathe properly anymore. I have lost the love that made me able to do the things I was good at, I don't believe in it anymore so everything and everyone has stopped believing in me too.
I used to drink 3 cups of coffee every morning before school and my hands would shake and I would research space and go on long rants about it to everybody even though nobody cared but it didn't matter because I thought it was beautiful anyways
I was innocent and 14 years old and desperate for somebody to love me and I created beautiful things and beautiful art. I absorbed everything. I learned so much on my own. I was resilient.
Me and my manager were joking around and I went to say the word "chauffeur". I messed up and pronounced it 2 different ways, I asked him which one was correct. When he replied he jokingly asked if I could spell it, expecting me not to be able to. I did. He laughed and said "you know how to spell it but not how to say it?" I wanted to say I am used to knowing words but I am not used to being allowed to speak. I am used to knowing how to be quiet when people ask me to. I am used to knowing how to always be silent because I know somebody is eventually going to ask me to.
I am 18 years old and I don't know how to hug people. I do not believe in love so I do not need someone to love me. I do not create things or make art. The only things I absorb anymore are things that make me sad and they stay in me and I don't know how to get them out. I learn everyday how to be more quiet than the day before. I do not know how to write beautifully anymore and nothing inspires me. I do not bounceback after bad things happen to me anymore, I just find new ways to suppress them.
I don't know if any of this makes sense I know it just seems like random scenes juxtaposed together.
What my point is, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose your love. Don't lose your passion, your innocence, your ability to see the beauty in things. You will feel the ache every day, it is not something you can willfully, blissfully, ignore. It demands to be felt and the feelings that are gone will probably never come back to you.
Do not lose your love. Please, promise me. Do not lose your love.