i hope you find someone better to love

Alex said she couldn't wait to grow up
Alex said every thought in her head
Alex didn't leave home without a smile everyone who knew said she was a "happy girl"
Alex went away for a few days and was different afterwards
Alex screamed about demons in her head
Alex arms started having scars
Alex once said she couldn't wait to grow up
So why did Alex **** herself

If I were an angel
You’d cut my wings
Pin them on you wall
Say they’re Magnificent things
But you should of seen me fly
Oh you should of seen them in the sunlight or when there dipped in moonlight
If only you didn’t
Cut my wings
You could of seen them be beautiful things

maybe it's my own uncertainty
that makes me second guess
tells me in whispers that you've changed
but am i just over thinking
about the future i can't see
second guessing
even your love for me
or is it my fear
that everything isn't what it seems

its hard trying to find a job when all i can do is try and write poems
its not something in demand right now and even if it is i can find how to apply
i don't know how to do anything
maybe it's because i stay up to 2am and forget to eat
or im turning 17 in about 4 weeks?
maybe it's trying to find effort to go to school every morning
for teachers who say im whats called a "problem child"
i can't push my problems away or use excuses like "they didn't help" or "it's not my fault" because i know my problem
i can't get a job

She kept falling in love
Falling for strangers on the street just to feel loved
Because she was born with a heart to big to fit
And tears to small to see
So she smile like a song
Never really falling in love
Not with anyone

and all the lovers i'll never have
caress their lovers in bed sheets
that hold their hearts with
smiles i'll never see
and sometimes i
wonder if i was them would i feel complete
their souls skinny dipping in the gold heat
of the oven light as the open bay window
shows a galaxy
with a thousand stars baring their hearts that
makes me wonder
if i enough will my dreams come true

I think about leaving
A lot more than I should
I know I love you so much
That’d it’d break my heart
If only I could stay
But three more months
Is my limit
And I feel like
I’ve started counting down days
I enjoy being with you
But there’s more flaws than I can handle
And I know we’d have tough times
But
I didn’t know I’d be alone though them
Because when I need you most you seem to become a blank screen
A video game is all you see
And you say you love me but honestly I don’t know what you mean
You show it when it’s meant to but do you ever want to text me
I love you ?
Because the conversation only starts if I talk
Otherwise it’d be silence and nothing more
And maybe I’m looking at this wrong maybe it’s my anxiety and I’m staring at a mirror that only shows my flaws
I’m reading the book backwards
And knew the ending from the start

She danced in my dreams
like a ghost she faded from memories
And i know it's been a year now
but i still hear her heartbeat
Caressing me in bed and
Her smile destroys me because the last words she said
With the smile that shone like a jewel i’d never find
“ g
      o
          o
             d
                 b
                     y
                          e”

i want to watch movies
have sleepover and buy silly things
i want to have friends
i just don't think i can trust
another person again

Was i only air to you
A passing faze gone like the wind
I Loved you…
I loved you
And you don’t care
You left me.
And i vanished like the wind

You may be your fathers kin but you are not your fathers sin
And you are not becoming a monster just when you look in the mirror you see one
The alcoholic mother who couldn’t kiss you goodbye and the father who seeped in toughness always telling you to be a man I’m sorry
Sorry he hit you because you wanted a doll that was to girly or had your nails painted to the boys who got called names and home life’s weren’t to great do not become that man or woman in your life don’t see them in your reflection because I know you don’t like bullying the nerdy kids I know you miss the life in your photo that hides in your bookshelf the one where your mum was shining and your dad still a hero in your eyes
I’m sorry you grew up to quickly and can’t cry to your friends that boys are tough is a saying because showing your pain shouldn’t make it worse I’m sorry our society couldn’t save you

If this bed is to be my burial ground
I will lay in it anyway

i know i should be doing my work
but my mind wanders to far and
i don't want to stop the journey we're on
i end up getting entangled in thorns
and before i know it the bell rings
telling me i did nothing

Somedays I wanted to curl up inside myself and hope ill be born anew
I want to cut myself apart and build myself back up like LEGO blocks
And most days I feel like it can’t get worse that crying becomes painfully when chocking on my tears
My bed is a fortress and I am the princess locked inside or maybe I’m a bird in a cage a prisoner with a ball and chain
I want to die
I won’t sugar coat this saying depression is like falling in love
Or you only hate apart of yourself
I can’t look in my mirror anymore
I hate whatever I wear so I don’t leave the house that way I don’t need to Change
I eat to survive not to taste
I live for another day not my tomorrow
I smile for them not myself
but I’m still here
I’m still here

You came back and I was happy
Hoping this was our second chance
I loved you more than I ever did
Because you came back
Maybe that’s a selfish way to put it
But I was glad
To be able to love you again
But we Fought so you left
And I don’t want you back
Finding out why you came back
Hurts the most
Using me because I loved you
Hurts
One week
And everything you said meant nothing
Everything we did meant nothing
And that ***** with my head

Love sold in stores
Carefully hand picked
A bouquet of hearts tied with string
A two for one deal
Almost for free
Lust sold on the corner of every
Broken heart
Laced with pain and unwanted love
Sold in the drink the bartender mixed
Someone drugged with heartbreak
We fall out of love and subcum to lust
So go buy your hearts and give them away
Two for one
Mixed with heartbreak

Death is boring
A dark void of nothingness
Some people choose death
Others accept
But life
Life is feeling a soft breeze though your window
It’s listen to the crickets at night
Life is children’s laughter and....false hope
It’s the chance to breathe underwater
And death is knowing you’ll suffocate

Do you know why I ask everyday
Because I’m lost
I’m confused
I just don’t get it
You liked me so much and now your unsure
Your the one deciding everything
And me like a fool wait for every word you say
Maybe when you put the necklaces away
You were already having second thoughts
Maybe I was blind
Sure I was unhappy sure I got mad
But I still liked you
And now I’m here crying like an idiot
Because you said on thing
But you don’t love me anymore and I’m waiting for when you do

Like a fool

Will you look at me like that again?
Will you love me again?
Or do I have to continue walking without you

I don’t like cigarettes
But I need a new addiction
Something else that can
slowly **** me
torture me like
Loving you did
Because without you
What am I supposed to do
To stop my itch?

I think I still love you but even about this I’m unsure maybe I’m just hooked on what we once were maybe I just miss being in love or I’m stuck in the past looking at memories that I wish were moments we still had

I want to date for the fun of it
Wake up in someone’s bed because I can
But I keep scattering my heart about in hopes someone will see me
Choose me
And stay

Some days I miss you
I tell myself I still need you
But it isn’t you I want
I want what we use to be
I want the love back
And the reason I’m crying now
Isn’t because your not around
It’s because we can’t go back
And what we had won’t be again
So my I love yous are for the past you that you who said it back

My phone is my therapist
It’s who I talk to when I’m sad
It doesn’t ask me how I feel
Nor does it say “are you ok?”
It silently waits for me to say
I’m not
It doesn’t offer advice I’ve tried
Doesn’t get mad that it can’t help me
And doesn’t leave when I become to much
My phone is my therapist
And that’s enough

I saw beauty in sin
The heat between bed sheets
The lust in their fingertips
The romance
The music that came from their lips
I saw beauty in sin
With strangers id met
Who kissed me like tomorrow would never come
And loved me enough to make me forget
What heartbreak was

Don’t write me a love song about heart break
Sing the sadness you felt late at night
Breathe you pain to create
Show me the broken pieces of your heart you
Locked away
Sleep beside the ghost of the lover who
Left you years ago but you can’t seem to get over
Remenice by the fire of all the couple photos
And make me feel like i can love again
Make me forget i was the one who got hurt

The days get shorter and nights are longer
Friends have disappeared
Or maybe I just left
Some days I don’t leave my bed
Other days just pass me by
I forget what it’s like to have fun
To be needed by someone
Do you ever get like that
Where you wait for a week to shower and can’t remember if you ate anything
The days where you’ve worn the same clothes because you’ve haven’t washed anything you own
Where you can’t tell if your lazy or depressed and then the sadness swallows you up again and all you want to do is not exist
So you slowly **** yourself
Along with your existence

days get shorter and nights are longer
Friends have disappeared
Or maybe I just left
Some days I don’t leave my bed
Other days just pass me by
I forget what it’s like to have fun
To be needed by someone
Do you ever get like that
Where you wait for a week to shower and can’t remember if you ate anything
The days where you’ve worn the same clothes because you’ve haven’t washed anything you own
Where you can’t tell if your lazy or depressed and then the sadness swallows you up again and all you want to do is not exist
So you slowly **** yourself
Along with your existence

maybe the reason we love from the heart
is that we can't live without it
maybe thats why
i can't live without
you.

Like a siren she lured him in
a blissful melody took him to the deep
as she played her song
he believed the lyrics she sung
and fell in love
he didn't realizei he couldn't breathe
so he fell asleep to her voice

paper makes the world go round
while oxygen goes straight into the ground

i wish i could move on
faster than my heart allows
smile at you, without breaking down
i should be use to pretending but
why when it's you
my facade falls down

He was a lost love from the start
And i know i don’t love him
Not anymore but sometimes
I just want him to see what he missed out on
And sometimes i just wish he did like me
And sometimes i just wanted him to say i love you once
But i love who i’m with it’s just sometimes i imagine it's him
But the person i love makes up for it
Because he is beautifully charming and doesn't mind me saying
Stupid things at 3am and my bad habits the one i love isn’t perfect
But there's a beauty in his imperfection

Depression is the demon in my bed that keeps me warm
It becomes my only friend when I push everyone else away
It knows my fears and wishes
Depression walks with me at night we talk to the stars and whisper with the trees
Depression nodded along when I told my father I’m suicidal depression hugged me in the backseat when he didn’t reply
Depression has kept me company when no one else did it shows me how beautiful the world can be because I know I will miss it
I will miss life but I don’t with to be living maybe my ghost will wonder the world and if that will be the case maybe happiness will come along

We didn’t even date and yet you get angry like you have a claim to my person
We didn’t even date and yet you try and change my choices
We didn’t even date

I’m scared of living to late
That I’ll miss the best chance of feeling alive
Because I can’t take failure
I’m tired of spending days trying to feel okay again
And one day I know I will need to fail
To go through the feelings of being alive
I don’t know if I can handle that

I am worried about my future
Everyone says it's fine
That i can take it slow
I’m young i don't need to know what i
Want to do
But I am lost in a backstreet road that i have never walked down
A forgotten town that i don’t know the streets too
I am lost and everyone says it's fine
Without knowing the way or the destination
They tell me too keep going but what if the places I find
Are not what i wanted
What have i wanted
Were am i wanted