I'll wait and watch as a flower blooms
The flower that blooms on the cactus in the middle of a desert
As it slowly opens up into something so beautiful
I'll ***** my fingers on the thorns just for the simple taste of beauty within the flower

I know plenty of things.
like how 1+1= 2
I also know that  people don't really care when your happy
But
I'm not happy I'm in love
I have this love that goes so deep inside its like my imaginary friend i had in first grade
My love is always there for me
He always has my back and pushes my chest down when I need to return back to earth
My love helps me think about my problems
My love keeps me awake at night in deep conversation that would be too complex for anyone else to understand
My love is always there and never leaves my side even when I ask him to
My love rushes me to the hospital when I feel like I can't breathe
But my love is the cause of all that.
My love pushes me down when I am happy
My love keeps my mind in dark places exploring dark universes and even darker galaxies that I don't want to be in
My love doesn't leave my side when i ask it too it stays there to torture this soul
My love beats me ever day
My love sends me to the hospital because his hands around my throat block the air to my lungs leaving me breathless.
My love never allowed me to have friends so the imaginary ones that I had to make up was all I had.
And god forbid he find out about those
My love took my hand and dragged me down an gravel road to ensure that I had learned my lesson
My love left bruises on my skin and scars in my heart that people could and could not see
My love was always on top of making me know what I wasn't and what I was
And I was nothing
But I wasn't allowed to argue
My love broke my ribs and made me bleed
My love cut my skin with a sharper knife than his tongue
My love took my innocence
My love took my baby and her last breath
Why didn't he take mine?
Because he loved me
But I hated him
He took the last thing I wanted
My love destroyed me then destroyed himself and took his breath just to leave me here alone to take care of it
To live it all over and over in my nightmares
My nightmares can paint you a picture
My nightmares will paint art that no one will want to buy
My night mares show that just because you call it love doesnt mean its love
Because my love was my biggest nightmare
My love wrecked my entire life and my love stole my normal and replaced it with a jar of nightmares, flash backs, depression, and social anxiety
My love stole my normal gave me PTSD
My love is not my love my love is my nightmare that never ends
And my nightmare never ends

She has a story
She was once 300 pounds.
She was never worried until someone called her fat.
She brushed it off at first , but the comments kept coming and the people kept judging until she cried her self to sleep at night because no one took the time to know her and see her beauty within.
Instead they visualized her imperfect body onto a piece of paper to pass around the class.
She was so embarrassed,
She ran home from school that and never left her room.
She slept through the weekend
She began passing by mirrors so quickly she didn't want to see the drawing that was passed around and ridiculed by and abundance of people.
The scale became her best friend, but her worst enemy
The number on the scale dropped just as her body did each time she forced food from her body.
The mind that once was so beautiful became a math class for calories
You couldn't get a bigger number or the answer would be wrong
She consumed less and less each day
Hating the feeling
She hated feeling this way but she hated being laughed at more
She was congratulated on the drop of pants sizes
No one realized her drop food consumption.
The loss of weight became her addiction
The drawing wasn't being passed around anymore.
She wasn't a fat girl in huge clothes
She wasn't a walking diabetic waiting to be diagnosed
She wasn't a "muffin top" people would make fun of
But it didn't stop for her
The calculator in her head felt more familiar and more supportive than her family
Her sickness soon became all she had
She kept that drawing and replaced it for the food that would never touch her lips
But she never realized that her body didn't look like a giant marshmallow
It was a work of art that had way more beautiful detail.
She was just too busy counting to see the canvas where it all lied.

But **** me right? **** the fact that I shake so badly, scream so loudly, rocking myself back and forth so quickly
Crying so much that hopefully someone can understand that its not me its the pain.
I've said it once and ill say it again to be beaten
would be better than sitting here and dealing with the mental pain.
Hit me punch me kick me break me
Break my broken pieces and take them and shatter those too
Break me in a way that people would fear
Come on end me.
Break me down till those pieces turn into dust.
Let me free in the wind.
It would be better than this
Break me right now break me down into a pit of nothingness
Break me like you broke all your promises
"I'll never do it again" "I promise"
Break me down cut me open
Show the world and let them know
Let them know that I've been broken
A poem needs to rhyme, that's the rules
Where were the rules then ?
When i was being broken where were they?
It seems like there weren't any
There were no rules when it came to him breaking me
He had permission.
There was no evidence
My bruised skin wasn't enough
My busted lip and broken ribs weren't enough
I used to look out widows and watch the birds fly from tree to tree
I wanted to be free like the birds
To not have too worry about being broken or bruised
To fly above the clouds
But I was soon brought back to earth and I didn't know why
I didn't know why then but I do no.
I know now that i would win the fight and that my dust would mold into something so beautiful a creation so admirable
I fought and my broken pieces slowly magnetically pull it's selves back together again.
I soon became the birds that I admired so much
Free
I am free

I bet you don't know that you saved me
I bet you don't know that you make me feel better than I ever have before
I bet you don't know that your the reason I'm still here
As I sat looking through my messages to people to say goodbye to
I bet you don't know that going back and giving you my number was not what I expected to do
But I did and you made me smile and you helped me through the night I wasn't supposed to make it through
I bet you don't know that I woke up the next morning because for some reason something finally felt right
It felt like someone cared
I bet you don't know that when I say I love you
I truly mean it and you have no clue just how much my heart longs for  you
I bet you don't know just how much I would do to keep you in my life
Because I'd be beaten again
and broken again and hurt again
and shattered again and scared again
As long as the end result was the way I feel when I have you
When I talk to you
When I am held by you
I bet you don't know that you've helped me so much more that you could ever imagine
Because you care and I need that
Because you're funny and after everything I've been through I need that
My smile has recovered
Its back
I bet you don't know the impact you have on my life
But I know that I'm going to try my best to make yours amazing
I know you know I love you
But I bet you don't know how much
I bet a million on you

I've built a prison around me
Torture chambers no one can see
Inhaling mustard gas like oxygen
But not dying
Lying around seeing chains and metal bars
Inmates waiting to lunge at my throat
I am the prisoner in my own prison
Chained to the walls of my room that wont collapse
Chains that wont break
There's no mask here
I inhale every toxic fume slowly dying day by day
falling around stumbling on even grounds
This prison is my own
And I chain myself to these walls in the torture chamber inhaling the mustard gas while lying cold, scared, and soon to be murdered by the words in my head also known as my inmates.