I miss writing
Or rather, i yearn for it
Like I would for
My own pair of wings
A wish to be granted
A relief in pain

The book I hold
In my dreams is complete
Unlike myself
Every word crafted
Perfectly on the altar
Of the typing keyboard

And when winter passes
The dream will disperse
Like smoke in the wind
Blown out candle
Rotten fruit
Unrequited love

Maybe in a different world
I am braver than I am now

I can fill the silence with words
That I’d never dare to speak out loud

And what comes next would
Just be a distant cry of a crow

Maybe in a different world
we’re just like the rest of the crowd

And on the porch of our house
A ladybug reflects the sunset’s light

I preferred apathy
A quiet release
Of tension in my shoulders

I chose kindness
Accepting the guilt
It inevitably comes with

I mixed and matched
My mind, my soul, my heart
In a flurry of greys

I basked, unbothered
In a meaninglessness
Of my own creation

Take a step forward
The air is cold
And the grass soft to touch

It’s early morning
I wake up; the dreams and nightmares alike are lifted from my eyes
And the promises I made in vain keep following me around
The birds that were supposed to fly south keep changing their mind
I consider for a moment whether to point them in the right direction
But I have guests;
The Death knocks on my door just as the water boils
And I make tea, cut some cake, make them welcome in my home
It is the not the first time that we’ve met and probably not the last
They tell me all about their work and how it’s tiring them out
Then we play a game of cards
In a stroke of luck I win an absolution from my sins
I feel the pain inside my chest lessen just a tiny bit;
They shake my hand, pat me on my back and stand up
I can’t help but notice that their scythe has a trail of rust
Waving goodbye, I close the door
I clean things up, wash the dishes, put them all away
Waste another day

I wake up
The perfect imbalance waiting for me
                                          The judge speaks
“Did you love?”
                  Yes, but not how you wanted me to love
                   Not in a way that would make them happy
                  In a way that was mine- and only mine
                  And though I wanted to scream I never made a sound
“Did you hate?”
                  Oh, with all my heart,
                   But never for long and I would
                   Forgive and forget and forgive and forget
                   And I would direct the hate inwards above all
                   Untamed and with no remorse
“Do you pray?”
                   Occasionaly, though not to a god, for they never listen
                   Not even to the saints or the holy spirit.
                    I learned my lesson a long time ago. I pray nevertheless.
“Do you deserve to be saved?”
                    I don’t know
                    To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t save myself
                    But some would give up anything to save me
                    And I can’t omit that

I wake up.

As if a music box
I feel the melody coming to an end
And the dancers continue because nothing had happened
With a spring in their step, joyful and beautiful
Has Time cursed me or them? I wonder
Nothing will remain, except for
A paper plate
An empty seat

I dance
On the altars of shattered faith
Bow to the self-made gods
In the place I call home

(there is a distinct lack of feeling
apathy, they say
without even trying to
explain color)