Ghosts of my past, like looking at old photographs.
Ghosts of who I used to be
And who I could have been.
Ghost of a person I will never become.

I see the ghosts of the places I came from
And the ones where I belong.
Ghosts of the wars I’ve waged around me
And against myself.
Ghosts of the things I’ve said and done
Wishing I could take some back.
Ghosts of the things I couldn’t say
Wishing I had found the courage to speak them into existence.

I see the ghosts of a life I dreamed up, like a film strip.
Ghosts of a life that will never be mine.
Ghosts of all the people I’ve loved,
Ghosts of all the somewheres my finger tips have touched.

Ghost comparable to sand.
Ghosts like grains of time
Slipping through the cracks of my hands
Blowing away with the wind that moves me.

I should have known I couldn’t hold on to this collection.
Clinging to all these things that used to be.
Just lingering in my past lives.
Ghosts of the should have been, would have beens.
Ghosts of what could have been
And the ghosts of what was.
Ghosts of all the things I’ve searched for, and never found.
Ghosts of all the things i did find, but lost again.
Ghosts of the life that I created, but never lived.
Ghosts of the lives I did live that were not my own.

All I see are ghosts.
Even still nothing haunts me like the tethering of you

Hayy

The fire inside was dwindling as the cold hopelessness was freezing my soul to sleep.
Everything was chilling like a bitter winter breeze. I’m thankful for the blizzard that brought our beings together. The timing didn’t seem perfect until the ice was melting puddles around our feet.

I can’t unsee
The glass pipes
The creatures crawling
And creeping that night.
The screams or the violence
A crystal rock glimpse
In to that life the lost kind
Divination
Demons at playtime.
The clocks on the walls
Don’t tell time
The sun and the moon
Always aligned conjoining entities
Can’t tell the difference
Between the night or the daylight
Conjuring up curses
As the crystal ball turns
Smoke swirls Irresistible Urges
reminding all the sinners
All the masses
Of the souls lost and tortured
Can’t see a future in a dark room
Can’t make crucial conversion
in a cracked house
Cluttered with corruption
and cast away corpses
Purgatory
When your soul is captured
Controlled by the creatures
Always lurking and lying
Turn life in to the lifeless
Saints chained as slaves Shackled
to the sinister king satan
We’ll know as the master mind
Behind the existence
Of this crystal Infestation

How do you prefer your hearts?
On the sleeve?
Or over ice?

I’ve never believed in past lives
Or reincarnation
Now I find myself projecting and reciting incantations
just waiting for the time to align
so I can run right through the ghost of you.
Trace our existence through the star lines
And hope our story book gets brought back to life
Time after time

In a list of all things
I never wanna be
I don’t wanna be
A repeating page
in the history of me.

I loved you for six months
******* psychosis
Wasting pretty moments
Watering withering roses

I ran what little of my life
He left behind
straight Into the dirt
several feet under
In just shy of a year that
I cant remember most of

How much of it was love
And how much more of it
Can we chalk up to
Nothing more than two addicts
Together in reactive addiction

Didn’t think twice
He Just up and left me with it
Now I’m on the other side
Trying to piece together
A puzzle of fragments missing
the minute hand keeps ticking
Every memory I’m forgetting.

Wasting the pretty moments
a whole garden you’ve planted full
Wilting away
while you water withering roses.
Just Chemical reactions,
and the imbalances
of a ******* psychosis
I lost my grip on reality
caught up in the mixture of
finding and losing both of us in it


Hard pills to swallow
Loving the right one
for just a little too long
Praying you don’t wake up
To see another tomorrow

Infinity at a stand still
Stuck in toxic stasis.
We were in sync even in our error codes
But our timeline was borrowed.

His eyes were deep like wooden Forrests but he didn’t realize that those evergreens are the closest thing to a sheltered home for the wolves that run through them.  just singing to the moon, the only one who has ever heard them and felt their pain. And shown them light through the darkest and coldest winters. Guiding them through the changing seasons. The only one who saw through their wild demeanor, and understood the law and order, and Security the wolf pack had come to call structure was just an illusion of protection created with in the shade to keep them covered from the eyes of the unknown beings that cast them away or hunt them. Just as the moon had heard them cry again they met him. With the snap of branch and rustle from the brush the saw him for who he truly was. He wasn’t one of them. half wolf half man.  He had walked amongst the humans but he was misunderstood by judging eyes and too felt at home feeling his soul share secrets with the creatures and the land. Taking in the crisp pine air in with every breath he hadn’t realized he’d been hold in so many years. But when he howled, even the sun couldn’t help but come out of hiding giving the wolves and the moon time to take a rest.

You used to be every breath
Deep inside of me
You’re now reason for the ash tray
Overflowing on my bed side table

I’m just a ghost
Waging wars of rage
Running through hallways

Impulsively picking
At the paper And the plaster

Fractured and fragmented

Just like your wall frames

Broken and battered

Just like the empty promises

Can you hear me yet? Can you feel the screaming?

Carrying through the curtains and crevices
Uncovering truths, and unspoken emotions

They say old houses can be coarse and creaky
Regrets and memories are raspy and rusty

You’re a hostage at home now.
However, I am the haunting.

outsider useless concerns
prevent anything from feeling
his fiery venom
exchanges between souls
i am merely human
but his analytical mind
further plants passionate desire
deep within the marrow of my bones
the path blackened methods
ink sewn habits embroidered
at the cross of the roads

would you agree to such an offer
destruction of every rule.
or would rather stay stagnant
denying your own longing
dark veiled reality is already yours
what good is immortality
watching your only warmth aging cold
as the embers are invincible
not weathering certain storms
as the reaper is drawing nearer
he urges what it is you choose
run from the ones pointing fingers
or leave me lifeless draped from the noose

With every kiss pressed against my neck
It’s as if you’re stealing the air out of my lungs
Or maybe if passion had enough power
You’re breathing life back into my empty bones.
There’s something so innocent and so dark, I just want to taste a little bit more.
See how long I can hold my breath
Before I’m suffocating underneath you.

Didn’t even know your name
But our souls tangled by fate
your hand one touch and there was actual sparks. Setting off fire alarms in my brain.
Your eyes one glance and love at first sight exists
I’m not sure how I saw past the flags though, let myself believe for just a minute anyone would choose me
It’s just she looks a lot prettier, talks a lot louder
Than the conversations my heart whispered to yours.
I was just to closed off on the outside.
But inside I knew without you I’d be lower than you found me.  Love where it was never supposed to be. If only timing and fate always worked together like the hands on a clock. You’d be here and I wouldn’t be lost.

He, being the sun,
He stole the blue sky.
He left me nothing but
the storm clouds

And storm clouds cry.

I’m so sick
Obsessing
over and over
The thoughts
Of what could have been
in reality
It doesn’t matter
Because you and I
We are nothing
I’m so tired
Confessing
Over and over
Rerun scenarios
Of what happened
It doesn’t matter
But you and I
Used to be everything

I wonder, what do you think about..
As those empty walls surround you,
Do they feel like they are closing in.
Do you ever glance through the metal bars eager to see me whispering by...
Do I ever cross your mind when you stare up at your ceiling
Or am I just wasting wishes,
staring at mine.

There's the high,
And there's the low
Oh, but the numbness in the middle,
Feels most like home to me.

Silly how you can pack 8 years into 30 boxes
Move them away and pack them into a closet
Like it never happened.
Out of sight of mind.
Silly that you think I can do the same
When I wake up everyday
And see three faces.
Both of your daughters.
And my own blurred in the mirror.
The ones you left behind.
With nothing left from 8 years
Just 30 boxes in a closet of remorse.

Sad but I feel like nothing
Still but I am sick at the sea
waves inside my stomach swaying
washing away from you and me
Taking me to the bottom of the ocean
Sinking through our used to bes.

Why don't you
save it.
I'm so tried.
Halfway apologies
Half answered prayers.
Its always
one sided.
Bittersweet conversations
Vacant blank stares
I wish i could
save it.
Why don't you?

He reminds me I wasn't enough
ill never be anything
He reminds me that I'm ungrateful
Silly girl you should follow your orders
He reminds how little I've accomplished
All hes done for me.
He reminds me im lazy, unmotivated, useless
He reminds me what ill lose if i leave
He dangles it there over my head
Along with all the empty promises
He reminds me that im crazy,
And No one listens to the crazy.
He reminds me that bones can break, and joints snaps
He reminds me how I bruise easy
And my heart has scars words reopen
He reminds me he loves me.
All this is just him loving me.
Its hard to love me, he reminds me.
I asked for this, I loved him, I picked him, he could have picked anyone but
He picked me
I'm so lucky, he reminds me
I signed up and stuck around.
But oh how hard it is to leave when he reminds me...
Please.

I dont know when and I dont know how,
But the day will come when you say i am happy and you are certain you mean because you feel at peace deep within the core of your being, where the world stands still for just a moment, as your face lights up and cracks at the seams. Oh how I have missed that smile. The day will come where the boulder heaviness that made residency between your ribs, will fly away like birds let loose from the cages. The day will come when the disturbance you have come to know as love, will no longer be an interruption of your accord but be revealed as stability as your eyes open to the worth you hold. The cacophony inside your head will hush down into a calming stillness. And you will be still. And in all this the day will come where you are no longer a prison inside your own jail of bones, but the queen inside her vessel graced with unfailing warmth and contentment. I dont know when and i dont know how. But I can promise, the day will come, your flame will reignite and your wild fire will burn the whole world of worries, and pains away.

Just when I think I am fine.
You come in to shoot me down.
Like lightning striking on a cloudless day.
Sudden, unexpected, and terrifying.
At least at first.
But now I sit waiting for it.
Staring down the barrel.
Just hoping you'll pull the trigger.
Blast this life to pieces and let it go up in flames.

Ive drifted through many troubled waters.
I couldn't count the miles traveled
nor the oceans passed.
Where I am isn't where I was.
Its still okay to not be okay.
Just as the waves
Inevitably I will reach the shore.

Oh, but being invincible comes at what cost?
Covenants at a crossroads accrue from a loss. 🖤

I find it inconvenient that I am unable to tell you
what silly little thoughts dance inside my head
I dont want to mention how everytime i think of you
my blood flows fast like a rushing river current
flooding through my body
I leave out the part where heart pulses through my ribs cage
how when the cage opens by just the sound of your voice, it sets free
a galaxy of butterflies
I've never collected butterflies but I wish i could
pluck every last one from my insides and save them all
Or maybe
if I was brave id give them all to you
I dont mention these things
I'm not brave im just scared and inevitably falling
Isnt it silly how three whole years have passed but I can still feel your teeth graze across my neck
when I think about it my smile cracks at the seams
unfortunate it is that you'll never know about this or these wild fires you started
I've tried and tried I swear I gave it my all
they couldnt be extinguished
they burned until everything was clear and new and waiting.
Oh what you've done to me.
now theres a garden blooming from my bones.
I dont know if you care much for rushing waters butterflies or flower blooms
I have an opening if you have a green thumb.
An invite I'd probably never speak aloud. maybe you can hear it in the silences, and the pauses between
one breath and the next
If only instead of peeking through the keyhole
id open the door for you
Welcome.
Do please come inside and see for yourself.

he is so unaware
so lost in his impressions
he doesn’t have a clue
about the gravity
the captivation
the tension
pulsing and pulling
between his universe
and mine

Flash backs
And memories
Screaming
In my skin

Where you
{used to be}
Burning emptiness

It wasn’t you
It was me


I have always been alone
Yet I have never felt
Such an isolation
As missing your being
Longing for you existence
As if it was my own.

every poem i write
is about you.
every last one of them.
no matter how hard i try
to fight it.
every single letter.
has traces of you
pressed right under the ink.

she with pastel pink hair
like cotton candy waves
falling from her head and
foggy white skin
like a porcelain doll
adorned with gingered
freckle specks
sat on a park bench
warm creamy coffee
quietly steaming in her hand
just watching the commotion
the rush of the world spinning
right before her amber eyes
they say
get your head  
out of the sky girl
come back down to earth
but don’t they know
she was born there
in the marshmallow clouds
and she can hear them
calling her home again

King.

If my arms aren’t
Reaching for you
What am I grabbing for

          I am tormented
          Ready to be saved.

If my lips aren’t
Whispering your name
What am I calling for

          I am empty
          Ready to be full.

If I am not
Falling down for you
What am I kneeling for

          I am broken
          Ready to be Yours.

Even the most
Unclean
Of the spirits
And lost souls
Know deep in their
Dark core
Your light won’t be
Extinguished
In this life
Nor the after.

I am
Entirely certain
My very existence
Was to ensure
He would never be
Alone
For one moment
In his life.

Dear brother

I don’t know
what it’s like to carry
the weight
of your world.

But on my shoulders
The weight of my world
is near paralyzing.

And the freedom
I felt
After the baggage
Was lifted off of
My crippled being,
Was indescribable.

I only wish you too
Would feel the burdens
Released;

That you can
Stand
Once more,
With out your knees buckling
Underneath
Your lifeless corpse.

That you would
Lift
Your head,
to the sky and taste the freedom
Of fresh air
Filling your vacant lungs.

Oh brother,
Rock bottom,
Is just a beautiful  place
In which you find
Yourself,
Once more.

-JustHayy

She didn't
understand
the weight she carried
in her heavy
heart,
until the moment
she felt the freedom
rush in,
and fill her tar black lungs
with life.

Abyss.

I heard you say

My name

I looked up

Expecting to meet your gaze

But they weren’t eyes.

They were oceans.

Salty Blues

Seaweed greens

A pale hint of sand

Cracking through the seams

Oh and the waves.

Pushing and pulling

Flooding my soul

Suffocating me

Stealing my breath

I didn’t even gasp for air

I just let go.

Drowning

Sinking

Dancing

Weightlessly

Floating through the abyss.

Waiting to be

Still forever

Finding rest

On the ocean floor.

let’s write poems
together
tell each other
secrets

stay up all night
it’s the only way
to keep it

let’s scrap book
forever
glue in
all the pieces

photograph
memories

rough-draft
remedies

the trials
and errors

The nows
and nevers

Let’s write poems
together
of life without
regrets

Cold.

It was cold today.

       It is always cold.

Not outside
      
But in my soul.

I am the cold.

Frozen. Barren. Winter.


Waiting,
   For icy glaciers
   to warm up and melt away
        All the pale parts of me.

Waiting
   For little flowers
   to sprout up and peek out
        From my hungry bones.

I am cold.

I’m winter and waiting.

Longing for spring.

Longing for being.

In my frigid corpse.
                  

-JustHayy