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JustHayy Jul 2020
Silly how you can pack 8 years into 30 boxes
Move them away and pack them into a closet
Like it never happened.
Out of sight of mind.
Silly that you think I can do the same
When I wake up everyday
And see three faces.
Both of your daughters.
And my own blurred in the mirror.
The ones you left behind.
With nothing left from 8 years
Just 30 boxes in a closet of remorse.
JustHayy Oct 2018
every poem i write
is about you.
every last one of them.
no matter how hard i try
to fight it.
every single letter.
has traces of you
pressed right under the ink.
JustHayy Sep 2018

I heard you say

My name

I looked up

Expecting to meet your gaze

But they weren’t eyes.

They were oceans.

Salty Blues

Seaweed greens

A pale hint of sand

Cracking through the seams

Oh and the waves.

Pushing and pulling

Flooding my soul

Suffocating me

Stealing my breath

I didn’t even gasp for air

I just let go.





Floating through the abyss.

Waiting to be

Still forever

Finding rest

On the ocean floor.
JustHayy Dec 2021
You used to be every breath
Deep inside of me
You’re now reason for the ash tray
Overflowing on my bed side table
JustHayy Jul 2020
Sad but I feel like nothing
Still but I am sick at the sea
waves inside my stomach swaying
washing away from you and me
Taking me to the bottom of the ocean
Sinking through our used to bes.
JustHayy Sep 2018
Dear brother

I don’t know
what it’s like to carry
the weight
of your world.

But on my shoulders
The weight of my world
is near paralyzing.

And the freedom
I felt
After the baggage
Was lifted off of
My crippled being,
Was indescribable.

I only wish you too
Would feel the burdens

That you can
Once more,
With out your knees buckling
Your lifeless corpse.

That you would
Your head,
to the sky and taste the freedom
Of fresh air
Filling your vacant lungs.

Oh brother,
Rock bottom,
Is just a beautiful  place
In which you find
Once more.

JustHayy Mar 15
How do you prefer your hearts?
On the sleeve?
Or over ice?
JustHayy Sep 2018

It was cold today.

       It is always cold.

Not outside
But in my soul.

I am the cold.

Frozen. Barren. Winter.

   For icy glaciers
   to warm up and melt away
        All the pale parts of me.

   For little flowers
   to sprout up and peek out
        From my hungry bones.

I am cold.

I’m winter and waiting.

Longing for spring.

Longing for being.

In my frigid corpse.

JustHayy Mar 15
I can’t unsee
The glass pipes
The creatures crawling
And creeping that night.
The screams or the violence
A crystal rock glimpse
In to that life the lost kind
Demons at playtime.
The clocks on the walls
Don’t tell time
The sun and the moon
Always aligned conjoining entities
Can’t tell the difference
Between the night or the daylight
Conjuring up curses
As the crystal ball turns
Smoke swirls Irresistible Urges
reminding all the sinners
All the masses
Of the souls lost and tortured
Can’t see a future in a dark room
Can’t make crucial conversion
in a cracked house
Cluttered with corruption
and cast away corpses
When your soul is captured
Controlled by the creatures
Always lurking and lying
Turn life in to the lifeless
Saints chained as slaves Shackled
to the sinister king satan
We’ll know as the master mind
Behind the existence
Of this crystal Infestation
JustHayy Jun 2020
He reminds me I wasn't enough
ill never be anything
He reminds me that I'm ungrateful
Silly girl you should follow your orders
He reminds how little I've accomplished
All hes done for me.
He reminds me im lazy, unmotivated, useless
He reminds me what ill lose if i leave
He dangles it there over my head
Along with all the empty promises
He reminds me that im crazy,
And No one listens to the crazy.
He reminds me that bones can break, and joints snaps
He reminds me how I bruise easy
And my heart has scars words reopen
He reminds me he loves me.
All this is just him loving me.
Its hard to love me, he reminds me.
I asked for this, I loved him, I picked him, he could have picked anyone but
He picked me
I'm so lucky, he reminds me
I signed up and stuck around.
But oh how hard it is to leave when he reminds me...
JustHayy Oct 2021
I will add you to the list
names I’ve carved into my skins
The names I’ve crossed out
I traced yours to add to the collection
Knowing I’d never have the chance to inscribe it before I was gone.  had I waited for it to be signed to me. You were the epilogue. Wrapped up a few loose ends while I hoped and prepared for hints of a sequel.
I knew I liked the way it ended better than the way the story started. The contents were gruesome bland and disappointing. I wasn’t even sure why I kept turning the pages. Looking for more but not hopeful to find it. And I’m not sure if it’s because all the others were never you. Or if it’s because I knew yours would be the last and I’d never survive it. It’s like you were the sentence and I couldn’t find words to write it
Whatever the reason I put you there knowing you never wanted to be accepted. Knowing you didn’t even know I existed. The first time I saw you your eyes looked like home. Never Feeling home this had to be the closest. guess for you I didn’t mind to love and to die never knowing the warmth of real belonging. I stare at the stares and make wasted wishes knowing you’d never look up at the same time as me. It’s sad really but the kind of sad that makes you feel stillness and stagnant. And isn’t it weird how the stillness is so silent that it screams all the lines of all the pages you hated to create them. Like a record reminding you exactly how many times you weren’t enough. And how many times you would never amount to anything. It’s black and white and you’ll never see it brought to color. I knew I set myself up and the fault belongs to me. I told you I adored you more than you realized. I gave you a chunk of not only my worldly flesh but of my soul knowing you could want it nor could you keep it. I couldn’t have it because with out you It wouldn’t keep beating . I ripped it out and dropped it in you ice cold hands and wanted nothing from you in return. I said nothing and I ran. I found my place of safety in secret.
I rolled up my sleeve whispered your name as I retraced. it looked so beautiful in blood red I almost wanted to wait in the moment just to save it. Taste one last flavor of hope before i crossed  off and erased it. I made sure to reach  deep into the bones engraving you there so when there nothing left of me, but rot and decay, death herself can still read your name. And I was only hoping you’d know that I was willing to have you in nothing more than breaks and bruises and stitched shut scar tissue. maybe you’d be able to see just a glimpse of how I see you. I hoped it would help you see that even if my love could only be buried 6 feet I would take it. I would dig it straight to the underworld. Burning as I faced all my demons. somewhere somehow someone knew you should have a plot next to right next to mine. And I may never no the reason. And if no one ever visits. I wouldn’t really mind. I would wait patiently for you in the after. I had no guarantee for you to show up the choice was never mine it was; just like me; always yours to do with as you please, but if you never find a better place in your life. Ill keep one open for you, in case you decide if you want to meet up where the spirits meet the bones just past the borderline of the passing seasons. When you stop at the cross roads take a left  and then a right. Go all down the stair way it’s a pretty steep flight. Isle thirteen row seven I think that’s your favorite.  If you kid me at all walk just a few places. Find the set of stones marked “two lost souls that only death could bring together.”

It’s not meant for this world but is the a chance in another?
JustHayy Oct 2021
outsider useless concerns
prevent anything from feeling
his fiery venom
exchanges between souls
i am merely human
but his analytical mind
further plants passionate desire
deep within the marrow of my bones
the path blackened methods
ink sewn habits embroidered
at the cross of the roads

would you agree to such an offer
destruction of every rule.
or would rather stay stagnant
denying your own longing
dark veiled reality is already yours
what good is immortality
watching your only warmth aging cold
as the embers are invincible
not weathering certain storms
as the reaper is drawing nearer
he urges what it is you choose
run from the ones pointing fingers
or leave me lifeless draped from the noose
JustHayy Oct 2018
I sat watching out the window.
Like a child on a rainy day.
Waiting for the storm
To give the sun back.
As if it had been stolen
From the sky
JustHayy Oct 2020
I wonder, what do you think about..
As those empty walls surround you,
Do they feel like they are closing in.
Do you ever glance through the metal bars eager to see me whispering by...
Do I ever cross your mind when you stare up at your ceiling
Or am I just wasting wishes,
staring at mine.
JustHayy Jan 2020
I find it inconvenient that I am unable to tell you
what silly little thoughts dance inside my head
I dont want to mention how everytime i think of you
my blood flows fast like a rushing river current
flooding through my body
I leave out the part where heart pulses through my ribs cage
how when the cage opens by just the sound of your voice, it sets free
a galaxy of butterflies
I've never collected butterflies but I wish i could
pluck every last one from my insides and save them all
Or maybe
if I was brave id give them all to you
I dont mention these things
I'm not brave im just scared and inevitably falling
Isnt it silly how three whole years have passed but I can still feel your teeth graze across my neck
when I think about it my smile cracks at the seams
unfortunate it is that you'll never know about this or these wild fires you started
I've tried and tried I swear I gave it my all
they couldnt be extinguished
they burned until everything was clear and new and waiting.
Oh what you've done to me.
now theres a garden blooming from my bones.
I dont know if you care much for rushing waters butterflies or flower blooms
I have an opening if you have a green thumb.
An invite I'd probably never speak aloud. maybe you can hear it in the silences, and the pauses between
one breath and the next
If only instead of peeking through the keyhole
id open the door for you
Do please come inside and see for yourself.
JustHayy Mar 15
In a list of all things
I never wanna be
I don’t wanna be
A repeating page
in the history of me.
JustHayy Oct 2018
funny how
your words
to her
once belonged
to me
same empty
same bleak

JustHayy Mar 15
The fire inside was dwindling as the cold hopelessness was freezing my soul to sleep.
Everything was chilling like a bitter winter breeze. I’m thankful for the blizzard that brought our beings together. The timing didn’t seem perfect until the ice was melting puddles around our feet.
JustHayy Oct 2018
He had a face designed for happiness
But he was blue
From all the life the cold world stole
From his body
His eyes once bright
Hang like the do not disturb sign
On the worn motel room door
His smile once animate
Is nothing but a fine line
Like the edge between regret
and suffering
Yet something about him clutched attention
Like the vacancy sign
Flashing off the exit of the interstate
I tried to keep driving
But I felt propelled
As if I was the guest of honor
Attending his invite only
Party for two

JustHayy Nov 2018
Flash backs
And memories
In my skin

Where you
{used to be}
Burning emptiness

It wasn’t you
It was me

I have always been alone
Yet I have never felt
Such an isolation
As missing your being
Longing for you existence
As if it was my own.
JustHayy Oct 2018

If my arms aren’t
Reaching for you
What am I grabbing for

          I am tormented
          Ready to be saved.

If my lips aren’t
Whispering your name
What am I calling for

          I am empty
          Ready to be full.

If I am not
Falling down for you
What am I kneeling for

          I am broken
          Ready to be Yours.
JustHayy Sep 2018
lies i tell myself while pretending i’m not thinking about you...

“i’m okay in this skin”

i tried to convince myself
flash backs
and memories
in my skin
where you
used to be
fiery emptiness
hollow to the core

“i’m better off without you”

i can barely mutter out loud
without you..
as if it would be
for my being to
with out yours

“i don’t need you”

i started to say
to the wind
going through reruns
spinning endless
in my head
as if there has been
anything more
for my survival
than having you

“i don’t want you”

as if I haven’t spent
eight hundred and ninety-two days
the taste of your lips
against my neck
just once more
not counting the days
before i called you
before i entangled
in your webs

“it’ll get easier”

i remind my so flatly
i’ll never believe that
as if the longing
has even started
to ease up or loosen
the chains between
my soul and yours.
as if i will ever be set free
from the captivity
of your clutch
as if the gravity will ever
cease to pull me
into you

“i’m okay in this skin”

i spoke so sadly
when i first spoke
those words
i almost for
one moment
believed that the
was real
in my skin
deep in my bones
i almost believed you.
JustHayy Oct 2018
she with pastel pink hair
like cotton candy waves
falling from her head and
foggy white skin
like a porcelain doll
adorned with gingered
freckle specks
sat on a park bench
warm creamy coffee
quietly steaming in her hand
just watching the commotion
the rush of the world spinning
right before her amber eyes
they say
get your head  
out of the sky girl
come back down to earth
but don’t they know
she was born there
in the marshmallow clouds
and she can hear them
calling her home again
JustHayy Sep 2020
There's the high,
And there's the low
Oh, but the numbness in the middle,
Feels most like home to me.
JustHayy Oct 2021
Maybe She was only three or six or eight somewhere in between. tell your version, vindicate it She was more grown up and hard to deal with. She was at least thirteen and hard to keep in. Rewind the film then repeat it. Talk of how she was a little princess you were devout devoted. You built her strong hold on your own. Worked until your hands were bruised and bleeding. You constructed her an entire kingdom. But didn’t make the time to upkeep it. Maybe when She was seventeen a mom to be. But still in need of life lesson plans, a little guidance on what she was seeking, leaving the nest she just wanted teaching on how to make a haven her daughters could feel safe in.
Your intentions were deceiving. You held the blueprints that she needed. And your bitterness or pride made you hold that deep inside. No warning sign no goodbye. Not a word or a single sign. Abandonment without closure. left them all behind.  Tell me why? Give me a reason?

my threshold fell crashed around me. Shook the ground and the whole earth felt the reverberations. Consequence for choices I didn’t get a chance to choose myself.  Every crease and cave and canyon could feel the anguish. The only exception being her father he was blind to loving. And opposed emotion. Loathed the thought of being open, he’d rather leave then give an explanation. Turn a blind eye shut the blinds and close the door tight.
every time you’d go the echoes screamed and cried give me a reason. How could you leave me. I just needed something to believe in
That something was some what of a hoax
Turns out dads are actually ghost. They haunt you with their silence.

It’s My turn to wear that invisible cloak raging wars running down the hallways Ripping the pictures off the wall frames. Breaking windows till the breath runs out of me can you feel the breeze screaming through the curtains and crevices of this so called homestead.

I’m there to haunt you. You couldn’t give a reason. Let you reminisce and regret all the photographs and reruns you dented and depleted.  I set them on fire as I poured the gasoline around me and everything else I wasn’t supposed to be. A lonely witch disguised as princess day dreams. Bound by the lies the outside couldn’t see. It was a lot more like a nightmare to me. What’s the reason? Now everything that once was. Is nothing more than ashes and tar black *******.

Now I close my eyes lusterless as I rest in the undercoft of holy weakness. Dry bones draped in graceful garnments pearls and pleating. Now you can fall to your knees. Asking what’s the reason with every passing of the season. when the night air is as cold as my being. tears dropping crash down like your freezing flakes of treason. Your betrayal was arbitrary but I still believed it. I was so much more than my destiny by design. but I was bleeding from a battle that had no meaning. I was cursed before I was breathing. I couldn’t live while I was grieving.
Doomed until I befriended all my demons.   Conjured and crafted a sanctuary in all the darkness.
Extracted from the ribs of a fortress once defeated. I sang life into my corpse. crowned myself queen of my own curse. I used the chains that were meant to hold me to connect all my reasons. I use them as the leashes for my guard dogs to my keep my creations safe in.
A place some call my imagination. But in all actuality it’s a place of authenticity. A home that my princesses are safe and sound, not caged in a castle but free to roam and dance around. They know their magic, and they can control it. They are creators, and confident in their own skin. Mamas proud and they always know it. I took my own life to give them a chance to live in an existence they could feel complete and whole in. A life that they don’t need nor notice any vacancies. Here we don’t have a use for any unwanted unnecessary ghosts.
JustHayy Dec 2018
he is so unaware
so lost in his impressions
he doesn’t have a clue
about the gravity
the captivation
the tension
pulsing and pulling
between his universe
and mine
JustHayy Jan 2021
With every kiss pressed against my neck
It’s as if you’re stealing the air out of my lungs
Or maybe if passion had enough power
You’re breathing life back into my empty bones.
There’s something so innocent and so dark, I just want to taste a little bit more.
See how long I can hold my breath
Before I’m suffocating underneath you.
JustHayy Sep 2018
One day
when the time is
just perfect
you will feel the sun
strike your cheeks
and warm your soul
and you will know that
rock bottom
was just the pit in which you were
remolding yourself into
the new you
built again to with stand this world
you can run
until your feet are raw
and throw fists at the sky in rage
you can scream
as if the fire will burst from your lungs
but when your done being angry
here I am
welcoming you back home.
home is where your heart is
and I will hold the pieces of yours
until I make something
out of the very crumbs of your existence
I pinky promise
until  the day I die
I will continue to stay
just long enough to see you
JustHayy Mar 15
I ran what little of my life
He left behind
straight Into the dirt
several feet under
In just shy of a year that
I cant remember most of

How much of it was love
And how much more of it
Can we chalk up to
Nothing more than two addicts
Together in reactive addiction

Didn’t think twice
He Just up and left me with it
Now I’m on the other side
Trying to piece together
A puzzle of fragments missing
the minute hand keeps ticking
Every memory I’m forgetting.

Wasting the pretty moments
a whole garden you’ve planted full
Wilting away
while you water withering roses.
Just Chemical reactions,
and the imbalances
of a ******* psychosis
I lost my grip on reality
caught up in the mixture of
finding and losing both of us in it

Hard pills to swallow
Loving the right one
for just a little too long
Praying you don’t wake up
To see another tomorrow

Infinity at a stand still
Stuck in toxic stasis.
We were in sync even in our error codes
But our timeline was borrowed.
It’s just bits and pieces I haven’t really fixed it yet can decide how I like it I’ve wrote many versions similar closest I’ve come, I think.
JustHayy Sep 2018
I am
Entirely certain
My very existence
Was to ensure
He would never be
For one moment
In his life.
JustHayy Oct 2018
Even the most
Of the spirits
And lost souls
Know deep in their
Dark core
Your light won’t be
In this life
Nor the after.
JustHayy Nov 2020
I’m so sick
over and over
The thoughts
Of what could have been
in reality
It doesn’t matter
Because you and I
We are nothing
I’m so tired
Over and over
Rerun scenarios
Of what happened
It doesn’t matter
But you and I
Used to be everything
JustHayy Sep 2018
let’s write poems
tell each other

stay up all night
it’s the only way
to keep it

let’s scrap book
glue in
all the pieces



the trials
and errors

The nows
and nevers

Let’s write poems
of life without
JustHayy Oct 2018
if the freckles
decorating my skin
were like the stars
dancing in the night sky
would you come near me
orbit around me
just long enough
to trace all the lines
to map out constellations
drift through galaxies
lose yourself
in space and time
if the scars
decorating my skin
were like the stars
dancing in the night sky
would you press close to me
fill the space between us
play connect the dots
just long enough
  to see the sunshine
in my atmosphere
JustHayy Nov 2020
He, being the sun,
He stole the blue sky.
He left me nothing but
the storm clouds

And storm clouds cry.
JustHayy Sep 2018
She didn't
the weight she carried
in her heavy
until the moment
she felt the freedom
rush in,
and fill her tar black lungs
with life.
JustHayy Oct 2018
My heart isn’t broken.
It’s rotting inside.
It’s blackened to the core
My veins mucked with lies.

I’ve locked them deep
Secrets hidden in my center.
Now they’ve grown roots
And flourished
Like ever green forests
Thriving in cold weather.

You took my skin
So yours wouldn’t show.

You robbed me my voice
To feel less alone.

You stole thoughts from my brain
To drowned out your own.

How does it feel
To live under my bones?

My soul hasn’t shattered
It’s always been vacant
I was just a child
I was supposed to be
JustHayy Mar 15
I loved you for six months
******* psychosis
Wasting pretty moments
Watering withering roses
JustHayy Sep 2018
In my chest
Tiny capsules
Heavy shadows
Thickset fog
Sharp crisp air

Cutting my
Weighing me
Blurring my
Altering this reality
I won’t think of you
JustHayy Jun 2020
I dont know when and I dont know how,
But the day will come when you say i am happy and you are certain you mean because you feel at peace deep within the core of your being, where the world stands still for just a moment, as your face lights up and cracks at the seams. Oh how I have missed that smile. The day will come where the boulder heaviness that made residency between your ribs, will fly away like birds let loose from the cages. The day will come when the disturbance you have come to know as love, will no longer be an interruption of your accord but be revealed as stability as your eyes open to the worth you hold. The cacophony inside your head will hush down into a calming stillness. And you will be still. And in all this the day will come where you are no longer a prison inside your own jail of bones, but the queen inside her vessel graced with unfailing warmth and contentment. I dont know when and i dont know how. But I can promise, the day will come, your flame will reignite and your wild fire will burn the whole world of worries, and pains away.
JustHayy Jun 2020
Ive drifted through many troubled waters.
I couldn't count the miles traveled
nor the oceans passed.
Where I am isn't where I was.
Its still okay to not be okay.
Just as the waves
Inevitably I will reach the shore.
JustHayy Dec 2020
Didn’t even know your name
But our souls tangled by fate
your hand one touch and there was actual sparks. Setting off fire alarms in my brain.
Your eyes one glance and love at first sight exists
I’m not sure how I saw past the flags though, let myself believe for just a minute anyone would choose me
It’s just she looks a lot prettier, talks a lot louder
Than the conversations my heart whispered to yours.
I was just to closed off on the outside.
But inside I knew without you I’d be lower than you found me.  Love where it was never supposed to be. If only timing and fate always worked together like the hands on a clock. You’d be here and I wouldn’t be lost.
JustHayy Jun 2020
Just when I think I am fine.
You come in to shoot me down.
Like lightning striking on a cloudless day.
Sudden, unexpected, and terrifying.
At least at first.
But now I sit waiting for it.
Staring down the barrel.
Just hoping you'll pull the trigger.
Blast this life to pieces and let it go up in flames.
JustHayy Mar 15
I’ve never believed in past lives
Or reincarnation
Now I find myself projecting and reciting incantations
just waiting for the time to align
so I can run right through the ghost of you.
Trace our existence through the star lines
And hope our story book gets brought back to life
Time after time
JustHayy Jun 2020
Oh, but being invincible comes at what cost?
Covenants at a crossroads accrue from a loss. 🖤
JustHayy Oct 2021
I’m just a ghost
Waging wars of rage
Running through hallways

Impulsively picking
At the paper And the plaster

Fractured and fragmented

Just like your wall frames

Broken and battered

Just like the empty promises

Can you hear me yet? Can you feel the screaming?

Carrying through the curtains and crevices
Uncovering truths, and unspoken emotions

They say old houses can be coarse and creaky
Regrets and memories are raspy and rusty

You’re a hostage at home now.
However, I am the haunting.
JustHayy Jan 2
His eyes were deep like wooden Forrests but he didn’t realize that those evergreens are the closest thing to a sheltered home for the wolves that run through them.  just singing to the moon, the only one who has ever heard them and felt their pain. And shown them light through the darkest and coldest winters. Guiding them through the changing seasons. The only one who saw through their wild demeanor, and understood the law and order, and Security the wolf pack had come to call structure was just an illusion of protection created with in the shade to keep them covered from the eyes of the unknown beings that cast them away or hunt them. Just as the moon had heard them cry again they met him. With the snap of branch and rustle from the brush the saw him for who he truly was. He wasn’t one of them. half wolf half man.  He had walked amongst the humans but he was misunderstood by judging eyes and too felt at home feeling his soul share secrets with the creatures and the land. Taking in the crisp pine air in with every breath he hadn’t realized he’d been hold in so many years. But when he howled, even the sun couldn’t help but come out of hiding giving the wolves and the moon time to take a rest.
JustHayy Jun 2020
Why don't you
save it.
I'm so tried.
Halfway apologies
Half answered prayers.
Its always
one sided.
Bittersweet conversations
Vacant blank stares
I wish i could
save it.
Why don't you?
JustHayy Oct 2018
just like that
there you are
you cut me
w i d e
open again.
i can’t even
invalid domain
error code.
am i supposed to
sit here
and guess what
it is you want
from me.
or is this you
just checking to see
if i still bleed out
every time
your name
pops up
on my screen

— The End —