Note: again, this poem was inspired by a quote. However, it is all mine and in no way did I steal the quote.

Maybe I’m not hot

Maybe I don’t act like the other girls

I am smart ~ But I don’t pass my classes

I like to have fun ~ not that I get out much

I don’t party ~ because I’m never invited

I like being with my man ~ he’s my un-moving rock

I have my own back ~ because I can’t trust anyone

I don’t like to admit that I need anybody’s help

I try to learn something new everyday ~ if I can

I live my life to the fullest ~ the best I can

I don’t like to live with regrets ~ yet I regret a lot

I have my good and bad days ~ mostly bad

I fight with everybody ~ even if they don’t deserve it

Some people don’t like my attitude ~ to well

I refuse to waste my time with those who look down on me

I have a ***** mind ~ what teenager doesn’t?

I have my friends ~ if you don’t like them to bad

Don’t ask me to change ~ because I won’t

Take me or leave me ~ this is the way I am

When I think about all we’ve been through

I can’t help but smile at the memories I have of you

Like a movie in my head

Where our friendship plays

Beginning to end

Sometimes the movie goes dark

Re-playing all the times we drifted apart.

one* I am a writer
two I am a submissive
three Life has handed me tons of lemons and I just don't know what the hell to do with them
four I do not know everything no matter how hard I try to seem like I do
five I hate yellow cheese, I don't know why but I hate it
six I love dogs. All dogs.
seven My relationship is more or less complicated as hell
eight I will never be a size 00 again.
nine My job *****.
ten I am not ready to be an adult.

There, those are ten things I know to be true. Do they make sense? Not really. Do they tell a story? No, I guess they don't. But are they all true? Yes.

It's dark tonight
I jolt awake
The sound of your voice startles me
Low and angry
It's a too familiar sound
I'm afraid now
In my mind I'm telling myself
It'll be okay
You can fight him off
I can barely finish my thought
Before your hands are around my wrists
Pulling me up out of my bed roughly
I can feel my shirt trying to adjust
From how it was while I was asleep
Your grip around me is so tight that I don't dare move
You drag me to the stairs
Even if I did dare to move I'm to frighten to
I'm frozen to the spot
Are you going to throw me or drag me
You choose to drag me
Making sure each step hurt just as much as the last
We get near the bottom I can make out the lights in the kitchen
I don't want to be in the light
I don't want to see the anger in your eyes
The dark soulless look you give me
You loosen your grip
I pray you're going to let me go
Instead you grab at me until you find the perfect spot
The perfect spot to put all your force into
You throw me across the living room
I skid to a stop in the kitchen
You walk over to me
I know it's not over
I scream for help but nobody's there
I know I have to wait until he's done
I'll slowly and painfully climb back up those same stairs
Mentally imaging the bruises that each one left
I crawl into bed again
Hoping I'll be safe for the rest of the night
I can't close my eyes
Behind them I see his
Dark and angry
I'll never forget tonight

When I look out my window

All I see is the sun dwindle

Life my life it’s passing by

It doesn’t stop to say goodbye

Even when I close my eyes

I still feel time flying by

I want to stop it in its tracks

But my life is like a fast moving train

Where most things are done in vain

I know this doesn’t make much sense

But that’s because it will be past tense

Tomorrow when I look out my window

I won’t see the sun dwindle

I will see the moon shine bright

Because it will be the dead of night

I didn't mean to love you it was never in the plans
You were meant to be a remedy to ease my growing pains
Rebound from leaving home, a solace in my time of need
I found love in your little flaws and familiarity in your pain
A storm in my heart cleared and you were a bright sunny day
One year, nine months and twenty-seven days have passed since our first "together" day
It's hard to think that soon I'll be counting the days we've been apart
Time will heal your pains just as they will for mine
Please believe me when I say that I loved you with all my heart and soul
Yet somewhere along the way things fell apart faster then I could repair them
The love slowly got swept away in the frustration, tears and break ups
Love is all about giving and taking, equality and trust
I'm sorry I just have nothing else to give right now and you need more than that
You deserve somebody who has more to give then they need to take
Our time together will never be forgotten and I'll treasure your love forever
It's time now for me to go even if it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Goodbye my love, be safe and be good I'll always watch over you.

I’ll remember today

Sun shining

Light breeze

School boring as always

Typical Wednesday

Only today..

I finally let you go

No more holding on

To the friendship

I thought we had

When I passed you in the hall

Not once did I feel a pang of regret

Because now I know

That I didn’t ruin this

All of these months

I never understood

What I did wrong

Now I understand

I allowed myself

To believe in what wasn’t there

I ignored the change in you

I forced myself to hold on to the hope

That I could be good enough

When all along

I was good enough

If you didn’t see it

That’s not my fault

Today I’m finally letting go

I’m moving on

You were never my “best friend”

Best friends don’t abandon each other

They don’t pull away

When things go wrong

To my son.
This is me, apologizing.....
I apologize for all the bumps in the road. For the nights when I stayed up rocking you unsure of where we would sleep tomorrow.
I apologize that your daddy couldn't be there for your birth, he was there with me until I left for the hospital. Know that he is a good man who got caught up in the wrong woman.
I apologize for all of the times I lost my temper, I never wanted to be a screaming parent and I hope that when you read this you look back and think "but you rarely yelled".
I apologize for never feeling that I was a good mother, I hope that the way I felt about myself never affected your views of self worth.
Lastly I apologize for being just a kid myself trying to raise a better child, if I ever make you feel disappointed, disrespected, angry, or resentful I apologize. I love you with everything that I have... I am trying little bug.... Mommy is trying.

God where to start.
You single handedly made me feel like I was worthless. As if knocking me up was the biggest mistake of your life. You were quick to say he wasn't yours and yeah while there may have been some doubts they were all silenced when he came out a beautiful mixed little boy with your nose, chin and smile.  Every day since his birth you have stressed me out. Made me angry. Made me resentful. You've never once acknowledged how I feel just brushed it under the rug with what I've done to you. However. I want to thank you. Because our child is the most beautiful thing I have ever done.

I feel trapped inside my body

Like a voice that can not speak

While life goes on around me

I’m forced to keep discreet

When people talk to me

I wish to say the words

To let them know

I’m alive deep inside this body

But my screams can not be heard

Somebody hear me please

Lift this curse and set me free

Yet, every night turns into another day

In which I’m trapped inside this dying body

It’s almost here
Christmas time once more
This year it’s different
I’ll be 18 in 24 days
Officially an adult
Expected to act like one
It’s almost as if people think
This day magically makes you mature
That’s not the case
I’m still hung up on things
Things that I was promised
Things I was told
Things that have yet to happen
And things I did in the past
I’m not ready to be an adult yet
I can barely keep my temper at work
Never mind adding on bills and college
Part of me wants to go back in time
Be 10 years old again
But then I remember
When I was ten all I wanted was to be 18
To be treated like an adult
To have people ask me when they don’t know things
Instead of being the clueless kid
At least I know I’ll always be his babygirl
His little girl, his princess, his whole world
That when being an adult gets too hard
All I have to do is ask for some little time
I can go back to being a kid again
******* my thumb, eating spaghetti O’s
Just relaxing without worries.
So as my 18th birthday approaches
I remind myself that it is just another day
There is no rule book for the day you turn 18
Nor is there a manual to life
So I’ll just enjoy the feeling it’ll give me.

sometimes its hard

sometimes its easy

it doesn’t matter

i’ll always understand

one way or another

my mind is open

I don’t judge

I just help

I understand

I involve myself

I stay

I don’t run

I don’t hide

I don’t push you away

I understand

I pull you close

Its funny that up until this very moment I was too sober to focus on my emotions.

Up until this very moment I didn't realize that I resemble falling snow, my current emotions resemble to ache in your side after trembling for too long.

Up until this very moment I was too afraid to admit that I'm only with the man of my dreams because I have faith that one day we will together feel the love we felt so long ago... ****.. I'm high...

Long ago I dragged myself away from the edge
No longer felt the urge to jump & finally be free from this world of pain
Yet this day hits me like a boulder that I watched roll towards me & can not remove myself from its path.
It knocks me over the edge leaving me hanging on my my fingertips. Knowing that if I just hold on I will pull myself back up..
But that wait seems like forever while the minutes creep past me & I can't help but to let the thought cross my mind.
How easy it would be to let go
How it would feel to no longer feel at all
It would be over quickly & I would he free
I shake my head and take a deep breath
I will be alright. I will come back from the edge. I will pull myself back up & recover. I always do...

It'll be over soon
That's what they all try to say
Once he's put away it'll be over
No it won't be.
It will never be over..
I will still cope with this
He will still be the reason
For this endless insomnia
For the realest nightmares
For the way I cringe when touched
He took my normal from me
But yea..sure...
Once he's in jail it'll be over..

I sit here with what's left of my life before me.
I sit here with the decisions that will change my life heavy in my heart.
I sit here wondering if you are wrong about me.
Puzzled by that notion I sit here some more.

Until I am **** sick of sitting here.
Until I am ready to capture my own dreams.
Until I come to the realization my life has been an awful awful life...
A little less than surprised I have found myself out of untils.

For all I have is this very moment.
For all I have is the rest of my life in front of me.

Now I know I have to think my own way and embark on my own adventure..

When I look into your eyes
I see the galaxies that lay inside
When you lay happily drunk in my arms
I see joy radiating through your life
When I look up to find you already staring
Its the simplest form of happiness
This is when the sun shines bright for you
When you're upset with the world
I see how small you feel
I swear to always comfort you
Try to help you see the dim flickering light
That lays at the end of the tunnel
When all is lost in the middle of the night
I'll stay by you and be the kindling
For you to use to begin again and again.
I'm here for it all babe

Here I sit with bile in my throat and music fading in my ears.
Once again trying to find the right words to make it better
This time I'm afraid there's no way to make it better only to explain
I'm slipping away, becoming who I left behind years ago
It's like a drug, watching the world turn into blurry chaos.
Just this morning I'd ****** up beyond belief before six am.
Passing out drunk on my front porch, waking up to my keys in hand.
Wondering how I got from across town to here and how long it'd been.
Climbed into my bed and faded away to longing thoughts of you.
I wake up to a pounding in my head and fuzzy memories of the night before
I remember taking my first shot of fire water and the burn it left in my throat.
One shot turning into a couple, my four loko getting lighter and grabbing her *** outside
Doing more shots of fire water and jack daniels, eating nachos so I could drink a little more
She went to bed and he took me outside, he kissed me against the car
My protest falling silent against his slightly sweet lips, bittersweet lips
Stumbling out back, trying to clear my head and his hand hovering to catch me if I fell
Asking if he liked getting hit by her, if he liked the way she treated him, what made her so special
His answer hot and hungry against my lips, I remember wishing you had the same passion
The guys laughing from inside the garage, laughing at us, his sigh in my ear
Dropping the doobie, looking for it and finding myself face first in the dirt laughing
Walking off trying to get away before I drank anymore, walking down the street
His voice, calling me back to the house, his hand grabbing mine and telling me I was safe
Telling him I wasn't that I wanted to go to the park, that Daddy would meet me at the park
Him saying Daddy would meet me at my house on friday but that I had to come back inside
The last thing I remember is hearing her sobbing, saying that I'm her best friend, that I was too drunk
Then I woke up on my porch, cold and holding my keys for dear life, he must have dropped them off.
All I can remember now is how much I love you, how much I want us to work, how much you care
You are my rock, my drug, my sense to this world. Without you I just mess it up.

You know that saying that everything happens for a reason?

What’s the reason….

I was born a beautiful daughter

Not knowing each day alive would be another struggle

Left at a babysitters longer than expected

Little tiny baby no longer protected

Bounced around from town to town

Biological parents no where to be found?

Sick with illness, shadowed by fear

Why is this poor child destined to be here?

Skip ahead a few years

Baby is now a toddler

Pat and Lisa are mother and father

Growing everyday

Her faith getting a little stronger

Don’t be fooled

Her past did scar her

She’ll find this out later

From toddler to teen

Slipping deeper into trouble

Pre-K all the way up through

Smart as hell

Yet, fall behind

Defiant, rebellious, stubborn

Outsiders say oh she’s a typical teen

They don’t know she’s out of control

So lost, no where to go

Ups and downs

Can’t believe the little she’s told

She won’t reach out for a hand to hold

What’s ahead?

Nobody knows

Teen to adult

Avoiding the cult

Will she make it?

What about her past

How will she take it?

Can she bury it fast?

Might the truth

Ultimately scar her?

I don’t know what to believe

Your words or my thoughts

Who’s right

In this vast sea of distrust

Words hurt

More then our wounds

I’ve forgotten who we wwere

In the mist of what we’ve done

How can we trust each other

If we’re both just waiting

For the other to walk over

To say another lie

Life a slap in the face

No more laughter

Not a trace

Angry words

Empty hearts

Turning away

Until we sort it out

Both hoping the lies would end

So we could go back

To how it was

It’s like being trapped

Behind glass

Both seeing each other

Yet, can’t see our own faces

So mixed up in what

We wish we could be

As if there’s something we could do

So we could be exactly who and what

The other wishes and hopes

One day we might be.

Not understanding

That on the other side of the glass

We’re each thinking the same thing

That we just want to tell the other

‘You’re ******* perfect’

Maybe someday…

Do I give up when

When my room is my only safe spot?

When that last friend turns and walks away?

When my eyes can’t see past the wall of tears?

When I just can’t feel anymore?

When I’m only laughing because I’m finally dying?

When no light shines into my life?

Somebody…Please tell me when I’m supposed to give up

It’s hard when you’re always around

Every time you say my name

It’s the most beautiful sound

I try to forget the things we could have had

I attempt to move on, not be sad

After all

I have a new guy

I’m as happy as can be

Then you do the most unexpected thing

You gently hold my hands

Bend down and kiss my lips

I can hardly register what just happened

Until I push you away with tears in my eyes

I shake my head and look to the sky

Hoping you can’t see the tears

I choke out “I can’t”

While my heart screams in protest

I just wish relationships could be less complicated

Nothing would have stopped the old me

From kissing you back

However,

The new me has something I’ve never had before

Happiness and love

I can’t give that up

Now I just have to face you

Knowing what you did

Wishing I could turn back the clock

To the time when I did want you

The time when we could have been

I wish this had happened back then, not now

But even as these thoughts run in my head

I know I have an amazing guy

Who’s kiss is more loving even through the computer screen

Who’s hug is more giving

His voice more soothing

Then yours could EVER be.

Where would we be
Without each other
I'm pretty sure
We'd be six feet under

Me without you
You without me
What we've become
Would just be a dream

Life since you smiled at me
Has been such a joy
It should be easy to see
Just how happy you make me

Shall there come a day
When we're ever apart
I hope not a second goes by
When I'm not in your heart

You're my whole world
My boyfriend
My best friend
My protector
My true love

Forever and for always
Has new meaning everyday
Because without you
There would be no me

Look in the mirror

Who is this girl?

She has my muddy hazel eyes

Only hers hide many lies

Falling around her shoulder

Is my rust colored waves

Hers a little less tame

Freckles sprinkled just like mine

Skin so pale as if the sun never shines

She has to practice my smile

Pretending like she’s fine

Locked away in self-denial

She’s stolen my clothes

Taken my name

I was lost

Beneath all this pain

Sick of all the judgement and the rumors

If you want the truth about my life

Come and find me

Don’t go to the ******* facebook

With it’s lies and gossip

Each of the lies will cause somebody pain

Because none of it’s true!

Who the hell are you

To call me the wannabe?

Personally I think that title belongs to you

No list of differences

Between two people

Should be able to ruin a friendship

Best friends shouldn’t turn away

You abandoned me

Turned your back

When I needed you most

You walked away

I blamed myself

Slipped into a depression

Convinced myself

That I could become somebody else

Next year I could be the “perfect girl”

Then it hit me

Why was I so determined

To change for you?

If you couldn’t accept me for me

Do you deserve me at all?

Today I’m not going to look back

I’ll smile at you in the hall

However, not one word

Shall pass my lips

I’ll always remember today

Today I’m the one who walks away

I honestly don't understand exactly why I did this.
No exact way to easily & simply tell you
I left my entire life behind to do this
I guess I just felt like I had to
Back home it felt like I was drowning
The worst part was it was me causing it
I held myself back never took a chance
To venture off truly on my own
I was scared that I would fail that too
Focusing so much on my fear of failure
That I lost my own dreams and inspirations
I forgot what it was like to believe in myself
Believe that even if I make a mistake
I can always find a way to get back on the right path
Finally I'm living again instead of just existing
So I guess that's why I did this.
Because I had lost sight of myself
Losing with it everything I ever wanted for myself
To travel, to spend time with people I love
To experience everything my life has to offer
Without being afraid of it all
So does that answer your question?

Life is hard

Without you here

Painful words

Countless letters

All begging for forgiveness

Hoping life might get better

Don’t you understand?

Don’t you see?

I need my brother

My best friend

I need you now

I’ll need you forever

Would it be worth it

To lose my family

The guy who says I’m his world

Daily hugs and smiles

Being told I’m amazing

All for the long wait

To truly be with you?

It would be 364 days until

My first true hug from you

Or five days until I’m in his arms again

I realize it’s not worth it

I love being somebody’s world

I rely on those daily hugs and smiles

I don’t need to wait to be with him

I don’t WANT to wait

I have what I need now

Why throw it all away?

*written for k.d.s

Your words cut deeper than my knife

Those five hate filled words

“I really couldn’t care less”

Made it one of the worst days of my life

No emotion in your eyes

I softly whisper my goodbyes

Nothing in this universe could make me more depressed

I’ve lost my BEST friend in the world

Now I just watch from afar

The whole sky opens like a tightly sealed jar

Pouring rain, bringing more pain.

They say you've loved before
To which I thought the answer was
No, I never truly love them
Now I can understand the real answer is Yes, I loved them once upon a time
Before the pain and heartache
I loved them with all I had
To them I gave my broken pieces
In exchange for cutting myself on theirs
We swapped our darkest scars and heaviest tears
Held on until there was nothing left
I walked away with pieces of them Embedded into my fair skin
Prayed to never be forgotten
Yet prayed harder to be able to forget
I endured every broken heart
Held myself together with my belief in fate Allowed myself to fall apart once I felt I could no longer find love to give.
Gave in time and time again
Too the fear that I was unworthy
Of the simplest things in life
Unworthy of respect love or loyalty.
I lay in a bed I made upon my own failures. Keeping myself sheltered from the world Unable to see that it is because I've loved before
That I shall one day find love again.
When I did find love again every scar
That tattooed my heart burned so deeply Screaming to run away as fast as I could Yet those threads of hope smiled calmly for fate had found me once more.
So yes I've loved many before him
Had butterflies before I knew him
I've thought about forever with those
I once believed in as much as I believe in love.
That however does not make my love for him
Any less real or any less powerful.
It just means I can explore more deeply love openly and passionately.
Learn from my past mistakes
So I can see a clear future.
Believing I am completely worthy
Of his respect, love and loyalty.
We may not last forever that I know, Someday I may find myself walking away. I pray now that, that never happens.
It is because of him that I can say
Yes. I loved them and now I've found love again.

I hate myself

I  hate my life but have no real reason to

That makes me hate myself more

I wish I didn’t give a **** about the rumors

I cry myself to sleep a lot

I can’t stand my family

Even though they don’t deserve my hate

Just that face seems to make me a terrible person

I’m doing terribly in school, not that I care

I don’t know what I want in life

Or even if I want my life

I tend to push everybody away

Even my so called “friends”

I’m afraid of life after college

I hate living here for various reasons

I don’t have any real skills

The skills I do have will get me no where in life

I cry when I’m angry

Which makes me even more angry

So I cry some more

I don’t trust myself

I complain too much

I’m petrified of change

My biggest fear besides change?

Being alone and losing everything

So how’s that?

Does that basically cover who I am?